CHAPTER TEN

I collapsed onto my bed, bone-tired and aching all over.

I could hear Magnus settling down in the hallway just outside my bedroom door. My mother had returned to her own house in the nudist colony earlier (after Magnus’s insistence that the two of them couldn’t sleep in the hallway), but she promised to come back in the morning. I told her the only way I’d allow her to step foot through my door was if she showed up fully dressed—and I made sure to add that no BDSM attire would be allowed.

As I lay in my bed now, staring at the ceiling with the moonlight streaming through my windows, my thoughts drifted back to Valerian, who was still restrained against the dining room wall. As usual, where he was concerned, there was a huge question mark in my mind. It was pretty clear that he’d been returned to his former horrible self and as far as I could tell, there was nothing of Gray that remained within him. Even so, Luke still didn’t know what to do with him, and that frustrated me. It seemed like there was something in this puzzle that we were missing. I mean, why in the world would Artemis have gone to the trouble she had to hide Valerian all this time, forcing him to wander a dream garden for decades, with the express purpose of changing him? And yet, as soon as Artemis instructed me to tell Luke to return Valerian’s memories, Valerian turned out to be the same jerk he always was? What was the whole point of it? Unless Artemis had made a mistake? Maybe she’d believed the jerk could change but he hadn’t? Maybe the essence of being an asshole ran much deeper than she’d thought? Ugh, the whole thing was too frustrating for words.

And to make matters worse, I hadn’t made any headway in finding the key to unlock the room of The Star either. So, that meant my next lesson was on hold until I did. Which also meant whatever new power I was waiting to uncover was also on hold.

“Ugh,” I muttered under my breath.

Earlier in the day, I’d searched high and low for that damned key. Aunt Artemis’s letter had said the card of The Star was related to the card of Strength, so I’d inspected every representation of Strength that I could find in the house—from paintings, to a statue, to a bird bath outside. But I’d still come up empty-handed.

So, now what? It seemed like I was stuck, unable to move forward with this particular part of my journey. I needed to unlock the room of The Star, but how could I do that without the freaking key?

I sighed, sinking deeper into my pillows. No, I wasn’t going to give up, but for tonight, sleep seemed like the best solution. Maybe tomorrow would bring new insights, fresh ideas... and hopefully, modest clothes for my mother.

The only good news I’d had was a text from Janice, my publisher, that she’d received the full book and was now reviewing it and that she’d get back to me soon with edits. So on that front, I had some time.

I closed my eyes and surrendered to the pull of sleep, hoping that in my dreams, I might find some clarity or inspiration regarding next steps in learning more about The Star card. No sooner had I drifted off, than I found myself back in my bed, the room bathed in the soft light of the moon. I sat up, and just like on previous occasions, I glanced down to find my sleeping body beneath me. So, I was now in a lucid dream—something I was growing more and more accustomed to.

The card of The Star is related to the card of Strength, I thought to myself and then I said aloud, “so where in the heck do I find Strength?”

“Perhaps it is better to ask: what is the ultimate embodiment of strength?” Valerian’s voice responded in a whisper, his message creating flutters in my abdomen. I immediately searched my bedroom, but I couldn’t see any sign of him. However, figuring I’d play along, I answered .

“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?”

He chuckled and the sound rippled through the darkness, sounding so close—as if he were standing just beside me. But there was nothing and no one there.

“The vampire,” he responded in a low and deep tone, his voice still sounding incredibly close—as if he were right next to me, leaning down to whisper in my ear. I snapped my head to the side, and there he was, standing at the window—much further away than his voice would have made me believe.

“What are you doing in my bedroom?”

He shrugged and from where I was sitting, it appeared as if he were part of the shadows themselves. He was dressed in them, and the darkness clung to him like a second skin. I knew I was asleep, yet this dream felt as real as any of those I’d shared with Gray in his garden, when we’d met in the realm of the dreamworld.

“Answer me, Valerian,” I demanded, my anger flaring inside me when he refused to respond.

That annoying chuckle again. “Remind me of the question, love?”

“What are you doing here?”

He shrugged nonchalantly, not bothering to face me. Instead, he just continued staring outside the window. “I came here to help you.”

“Help me?” I scoffed, my heart pounding as a flame of anger within me flared up. “You’re my enemy! And I’m not stupid enough to forget that any time soon.”

“Am I your enemy, Catherine?” he countered, his expression unreadable when he turned to face me. As I watched him, his eyes burned red, like two rubies in the darkness.

“Of course you’re my enemy.”

“Or is my being your enemy simply what’s easiest for you to imagine?”

“Stop playing games,” I snapped.

“I am not playing games.” He stepped out of the darkness then, but the shadows seemed to trail behind him, keeping all but his face obscured.

“You disappointed me,” I admitted and didn’t mean to sound so sad, but there it was.

“How did I disappoint you, love?”

“I thought there was more to you than just…” I waved a hand in his general direction. “This.”

“Catherine,” he started but he was cut short when I glared at him.

“Don’t call me ‘Catherine’ because it’s not my name. ”

“I admit I do not care to call you ‘Kate’,” he said as he cocked his head to the side.

“And why the hell is that?”

“Perhaps it’s owing to the fact that the wizard calls you by that moniker.”

“Magician,” I corrected him with a frown.

“Regardless,” he continued as he waved me away with a dismissive hand. “I shall call you by another name, one I wholly own .”

“And what name is that?” I asked, frowning. Frankly, I was tired of his games—whether those games occurred in real life or the dream world. They were just tedious to me now. And even though this was the dream world, I was convinced that it wasn’t just a conjuration of Valerian by my subconscious mind. No, somehow he’d discovered the ability to invade my dreams and I believed he was doing exactly that now.

“Give me more time,” he answered. “And the proper appellation will come to me.”

“Well, why don’t you ponder that downstairs, while you’re pinned against the wall, and leave me to my sleep?”

He chuckled at hearing that. “Do you really believe I can be imprisoned so easily, love?”

“It looks like you’re doing a damned good simulation of it currently. ”

He chuckled again and came closer to the bed, almost appearing as if he were gliding on the air. There were no sounds of footsteps.

“As to our previous conversation,” he continued, “I apologize if I’ve let you down,” he finished, and his tone of voice was low and sincere.

“You don’t give a rat’s ass about that or me or anyone else but yourself.”

He shook his head. “That is entirely untrue.” Then he cocked his head to the side as he studied me and shrugged. “But I was merely being myself. If that disappoints you, then it disappoints you.”

“Fine,” I said, gritting my teeth.

“But I should like to ask what about me exactly is disappointing you?”

I looked at him with my eyes blazing. “Really? You’re really asking me that?”

“I am.”

“It’s not already obvious?”

“I should like to hear the words directly from your mouth.”

“Okay,” I answered, figuring I would play his stupid game. “What disappoints me is this: I have no idea what happened to Gray and he was the only part of you I liked.” I swallowed hard as I thought about it, and in a much softer voice, asked, “where is he?”

Valerian came closer and his grin was broad. “Gray is as much a part of me as I am of him, love,” he replied, his eyes filled with unnerving intensity. “We are one and the same, just as we always have been.”

“Bullshit,” I answered, my frustration mounting. “I don’t have time for your stupid riddles and half-truths.”

That mysterious smile still remained on his full lips. “Sometimes the answers we seek are right in front of us, hidden in plain sight.”

“Sure,” I muttered, rolling my eyes. Then I started to get impatient, because I did need to get some sleep if I wanted to brave tomorrow. Every time this jerkwad met me in the dreamworld, it always exhausted me. “Was that all you wanted to say, Valerian? If so, you can go now, because you’re of no use to me.”

“Would you like me to be of use to you?”

I frowned at him. “No, I’d like it if you wasted even more of my time and didn’t allow me to get a good night’s sleep so I can be totally useless tomorrow.”

He chuckled at that and came close enough that he stepped out of the shadows and took a seat on my bed. Even though he was no longer ensconced in the darkness, he also wasn’t wearing my pink robe. Instead, the shadows still obscured him beneath his neck, and it was difficult to ascertain just what he was wearing—his clothing was that dark.

“Starling,” he whispered as he gazed down at me, his usual deep greenish-blue eyes still glowing red.

“What?” I asked, frowning.

“When I was in the garden,” he started and immediately reminded me of Gray—something I forced out of my mind because it wasn’t welcome any longer. This wasn’t Gray and he never would be again. Gray was lost to me. He was dead. He was a relic of the past. “The only thing that brought me any comfort, the only thing I could take any relief in was a little bird—the starling.”

“Great.”

“Do you know what starlings are renowned for?”

“No.”

“They are talented mimics, capable of imitating a wide range of sounds, including other bird calls, mechanical noises, and even human speech.” He paused and gazed at the far end of the room, a nostalgic and wistful expression enhancing his unusually handsome face. “When I would walk those never-ending paths, I would speak to the starling and it would simply echo the sounds I made—and quite often, I felt as if I were conversing with a real person.” He shook his head and laughed then, as if he were silly for thinking such a thing. Then he turned to face me and smiled. I hated myself for leaning into his story and appearing so eager to hear it. “Sometimes the starling would sing in a bird song and other times, it would make strange sounds I couldn’t place. But all the while, it was the only presence that brought me any joy or relief.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know that I wish for you to say anything, love.” Then he paused and studied me, no, he stared at me really. “You shall be known to me as ‘starling’ from this moment forward.”

“Okay,” I answered, shaking my head. “I still don’t know what you want me to say.”

He didn’t respond for a while but continued to watch me. “I know you don’t trust me any longer.”

“Trust you?” I laughed, shaking my head. “No, I definitely don’t.”

“And yet,” he continued, his eyes narrowing on mine.

“And yet… what? ”

“And yet, little starling, you are still absolutely caught in my thrall.”

“Caught in your thrall?” I laughed again, but this time, the sound was even more acidic. “More like I want to knee you in the balls.” He chuckled, like he thought I was being cute. “No, I’m not kidding—I really do want to knee you in the balls—get a good kick right in your gonadicles, as Magnus calls them.”

“And why should you wish to cause me bodily harm?”

I breathed in deeply. “Because you deserve it… and then some.”

“While that might be so—”

“—there’s no ‘might’ about it—”

“—the real question is whether your attraction to me is something I’m causing with my vampiric abilities or whether you simply lust after me of your own accord?”

My cheeks flushed at his boldness, and I felt a growing discomfort as he leaned closer.

“W-why would that be the question?” I stammered.

But rather than answering, he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. When he opened his eyes again, they were no longer red, but glowing white. “Yes, it’s just as I imagined.”

“What’s as you imagined? ”

“I can scent your need, your desire for me.”

“The only thing you can scent is my need and desire to give you a hard and swift kick to the ass,” I answered.

He drew back and then grinned. “Why so much hostility towards me, starling?”

“Because! I believed in you! I trusted you! I thought you were a changed man and discovered you weren’t at all! You’re still the narcissistic, self-centered, psychotic asshole you always were! And now I’m the one who looks like a dumbass for trusting you in the first place!”

“Is that what you truly believe?”

“Yes, that’s what I truly believe! Because it’s the truth!”

He shook his head. “You truly do not know me then, starling.”

“I don’t know you at all! Nor do I want to!”

He was quiet for a moment and then he shook his head. “We both know that is a lie.” Then the shadows that clothed him melted away, leaving him sitting there, completely naked! I tried not to look at him, because the whole thing was totally embarrassing, but my eyes went AWOL and immediately dropped to behold his arousal, which was, ahem… sizable .

“What are you doing?” I demanded.

“I am not doing anything,” he answered with a shrug.

I cleared my throat. “No—why are you… why are you naked?”

“Oh, that,” he responded as he waved at himself. “I admit, I am rather tired of your silly dressing gown.” Then he chuckled, and although my own embarrassment seemed to be seeping out of every pore, there was none in him. Instead, he appeared as cool and calm as a cucumber, the jerkoff! “What is more, I am showing you exactly what you wish to see.”

“I don’t want to see that ,” I answered as I forced my attention up to the ceiling. I waved away his raging hard-on like I was an entitled lady from Bridgerton who was tired of all the finger sandwiches.

“Look at me, starling.”

“No.”

I clenched my eyes shut tightly.

“Look at me… love.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Look at me… Kate.”

At the sound of my voice on his tongue, a shiver of desire mingled with fear ran down my spine. “I… still don’t want to.”

“We both know that’s a lie. ”

Right. Well, it was a lie, but sometimes, you have to make choices based on your pride, rather than the throbbing demon between your legs.

Before I knew what was happening, the dickhead was leaning over me on the bed, his breath hot against my neck.

“Look at me,” he said.

“No,” I answered as I continued craning my neck in an unnatural angle. I cringed when I realized it would probably give me a terrible migraine later. Well, so be it.

“Your body is an altar upon which I should love to pay homage.”

“What?” I asked, very eloquently, as I glanced down at myself and discovered, to my shock, that I was just as naked as he was.

Come on, subconscious mind! What the hell was I doing to myself? Wake up, Kate! Wake up!

Meanwhile, Valerian’s hand found my breast, and he began to outline the sensitive flesh of my nipple, which only made the damned thing stand up like it was saluting a drill sergeant. I wanted to tell him to stop, I really did, but the words died in my throat.

He must have sensed my inner struggle because he chuckled darkly. “Fight me if you don’t want this, Kate, my starling,” he whispered, his words both a challenge and a temptation.

“I seriously hate you,” I managed to reply.

But even if I hated him, I couldn’t tell him to stop. And that sucked the big one. But there was clearly something about this undead asshole that did something to me. Maybe it was owing to the fact that I hadn’t had sex in way too long. Or maybe it was whatever vampire glamour he was able to conjure with his eyes—right! That had been the warning Luke had given me about not looking directly at him. Well, now that advice was in the process of flying right out the window.

“The key is under your nose,” he whispered. I wanted to ask what he meant, but his lips were already moving down my throat, kissing every inch of me as he descended. And, yes, I could feel the points of his fangs—something which only made my demon, lady parts even wetter.

“The key?” I finally managed to say.

“Remember what I told you about Strength,” he responded, his voice a seductive whisper as he pulled away from my throat, meeting my gaze before he reached down and pushed my thighs apart .

“Um… what did you tell me about Strength?” I didn’t mean to sound like such an idiot, but it seemed there was no getting around it.

“There is nothing as strong as the vampire,” he answered and I tried to focus only on his words, I really did, but as soon as I felt his fingers pushing inside me, my thoughts scattered like mist in the warm light of the sun.

“Th-this isn’t supposed to happen,” I stammered, bucking against him.

“Isn’t it?” he countered with a sly grin. “This is exactly how it was meant to be, because it’s what you want, and it’s also what I want.”

“No, you’re my enemy.”

His dark eyes bored into mine, daring me to admit the truth. But I clenched my lips shut tightly, refusing to allow him to own me so completely.

“Tell me, starling,” he whispered and in his eyes I glimpsed a victory he hadn’t yet won. I shook my head, which caused him to push his fingers inside me even deeper and I almost orgasmed right there.

“Tell me what you want, Kate,” he continued.

I fought the urge to say the words, longing to confess my desire for him. But in the end, they tumbled from my lips, just like the backstabbing bitches they were. “I want you inside me.”

As soon as the words left my lips, I felt him enter me. I wasn’t sure if it was just the dreamworld, which allowed for things the real world didn’t; or if he’d just been perched there, ready to plant himself as soon as I gave him the go-ahead. Regardless, at the feel of him stretching me, waves of pleasure erupted within me like a supernova, ricocheting throughout my body.

I woke up with a gasp, my body still quivering from the intensity of the orgasm.