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Chapter 18

DUNVEGAN CASTLE - JULY 15, 1385

F ifty men dead. Because of her.

For ten days the horrible truth filled her every thought. Lord, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

A bìrlinn waited at the end of the dock, a distinctive axe couched between the branches painted upon its hull.

Hector. Here for no other reason but to punish her. When Iain docked the boat he put his hand down for her. She did not take it. He bumped a knuckle off her chin in a playful manner. Come now, Birdy.

I cannot face him.

Iain crouched down in front of her, light from the torch bouncing off his short red hair. His eyes, the color of violets, were full of concern.

Hector will discipline you, but he'll be fair.

She nodded and got to her feet, following him up the boat slip and into the castle. There was no use putting it off any longer.

Dunvegan was unlike any home she'd ever seen. Rich tapestries hung from every wall, furniture was plentiful in every room, skins covered every floor, candles glowed in every corner. A cheerful young woman entered the front hall, her eyes the same violet color as Iain's, her hair the color of yellow-pink strawberries.

How. Nice. Meet. You .

Despite the heaviness in her soul, Moira was touched. The girl had learned a few signs in order to greet her.

She spoke in a careful voice. "Did I do it right? Nice to meet you?"

Moira nodded.

"I am Eilidh, Iain's twin sister. I am so pleased to meet you, Moira. Iain's never brought a woman to us, you must be a very special person, indeed."

Special person as in…his woman? Moira's eyes went wide and she gawped at Iain, ten years her junior.

Iain huffed. "I told ye Eilidh, it's no' like tha'. I feel aboot Moira like I feel aboot ye. She's like a sesster. The friend who knows Léo MacKinnon." Moira nodded in agreement and pointed to Iain, sticking her tongue out in disgust. Iain prickled. "Oi. Tha' was no' necessary."

Eilidh crossed her arms. "Oh. I tho' maybe he was denyin' it cos he cared for ye." No longer trying to make a favorable impression, Eilidh's voice slipped into an accent as thick as Iain's.

Iain made a sound of annoyance. "I do care for her."

Eilidh squared up to her brother more than a foot taller than she, arguing in language that was only barely understandable to even her native Hebridean ears. "No' like ye care for Fenella MacAndie. She doesnae like ye, Iain. S'cuse me, Moira. I go' me hopes up tha' maybe he was interested in someone who wasnae a detestable coo."

Iain stomped down the hall. "Och! I canny talk tae ye. Come, Moira."

Moira followed, stifling an urge to laugh.

Eilidh put two hands to her mouth and called after him. "Fine bah may! Yer bum's oot the windae!"

They crossed through the front hall and up a short set of stairs, then down another wide hallway. Trepidation began to build in her chest.

They paused outside a broad door and Iain gave her arm a squeeze. "This's my private solar. No one will disturb ye here."

She nodded and he opened the door, closing it behind her once she entered. The room was beautifully adorned with rich blues and reds, colorfully painted walls with roses and thistles, and racks of antlers. The stark contrast of the elegance of the MacLeod solar to the dark brutality of the MacKinnon solar was striking .

In front of a wall of glass windows, the distinctive towering figure of Hector lingered, blowing on a cup of steaming drink. He turned and looked at her, and there in his eyes she saw what she hoped she wouldn't—disappointment.

The dam of her tears burst apart and she rushed forward, throwing her arms around his middle. Words would not come to her throat. Unexplainable need to find safety in him overpowered her, and she threw herself at his mercy.

His arms tightened around her shoulders, and he said nothing.

Tears became her food as the past two years of loss scoured her soul. Maw's eyes full of peace as they pushed her over the cliff and into the ocean. Father punching the man who dared harm his daughter and being killed for it. Léo's judgement and his rejection. The knowledge that without her mother and father, and without Léo, she belonged to no one. She cried for her disobedience and impatience, and the difficult choice she had made. For the flames that destroyed the siege engine and protected her, but that claimed the lives of men as well. When she had released every hurt she pushed away from his soaked chest and held up shaking hands.

I am sorry, H-E-C-T-O-R. I am so, so sorry.

His big hands stilled hers.

"What sign do you use to say forgive?"

She snorted through her blocked nose and dusted her palms together. Forgive.

He signed. I forgive you.

A fresh wave of tears hit her. Why?

There was something in his piercing eyes that told her he understood her pain. Because Jesus didn't wait until I deserved it to forgive me. If he did I would still be unforgiven.

His hands created her signs with an unexpected gracefulness and ease, and his brow crinkled with sorrow. I am disappointed, Birdy. Why did you not wait?

She wiped her cheeks. I kept asking, but you kept saying no.

Yes. Because these things must be carefully planned. We would have destroyed the trebuchet, but with a team of people, when the time was right.

She shook her head. But I was running out of time. Her eyes refilled with tears. Niall cannot be put off much longer. Destroying the trebuchet got him off Skye.

A hand came to her shoulder and he spoke in a clear, firm voice. "You chose to go back to Dun Ringill. You wanted to get information, and in that you have succeeded. Because of you my brother and his family are safe and well. Because of you we have been a more effective fighting unit. But you chose to accept certain risks. If you are so reckless that you will act on your own and not heed my orders, you will return with me to Lochbuie right now."

He was right. She'd insisted that she live at Dun Ringill and use her position to gather information, and known the risks—believing she could handle them.

His hands signed as he spoke. "You have done well, Moira. Léo is out of prison because you were able to sway Niall to go to him. That is great power, and that is why I know you are capable of following orders and finding ways to keep yourself safe. And it is my expectation that if you're in danger, you leave immediately."

She nodded and looked at her shoes.

"What's wrong? There's something more weighing on you."

I will be punished.

Hector copied her motion, sweeping his finger across his arm. "What does that mean?"

P-U-N-I-S-H.

"What do you mean, punished? I've told you I forgive you, and my expectations going forward."

God will punish me, and I'm afraid.

"Of God?"

Yes.

"What do you think he will do?"

Moira blew out a breath, and considered sharing her story with him. Out of loyalty to Father, she bit her lip and collapsed into a plush chair beside the fire. I don't know. When I was a small child he took my voice because I didn't heed my family. He took my mother because I didn't pray hard enough for her when she went to Dun Ringill. He took my father because I… I kissed Léo. It took all her self-control not to cover her face in embarrassment .

Hector looked amused and he chuckled. "You kissed Léo?"

She nodded. He kissed me…twice. Well three times. Maybe more. I lost count.

Hector's face looked doubtful. "And you think God allowed your father to die because…Léo kissed you?"

When he said it with that tone he made it sound ridiculous. We were alone. It wasn't right. Father thought I was taking care of Léo and I betrayed his trust in me.

"It was lust?"

No.

"It was love?"

She began to sign no, then stopped, the truth dawning on her.

"Moira?"

She signed to herself as much as Hector. I'm in love with Léo.

"All this happened in prison?"

Yes. In a few visits. We kissed the first time we met. I believed I was merely infatuated with him.

"The first time? Well…he has always had that effect on women. Even when he was seventeen."

No. I told you, he kissed me. He was out of his head with fever. He called me Théa. The second time we met he insulted me and couldn't remember my name. Called me M-O-R-A-G.

Hector laughed and then stifled it, noticing the seriousness of her expression.

The third time, he smelled me and gave me the message for you.

Hector's face screwed up. "He smelled you?"

She rolled her eyes. It sounds strange I know, but it was tender. He talked of his son, and his memory of every detail of his boy's face… and I knew he was a good man. And then he put this around my neck. She pulled out the chain. And… smelled.

"That's why you fought so hard to deliver the message. You love him."

She nodded with wonder. She did. When I returned, he looked awful. He'd wasted down to skin and bones. They'd moved him up to the tower but he looked …empty. I thought he may be near death. He seemed to have no will to fight .

"That isn't like Léo. Not at all. He could pick a fight with a nun."

I thought the same. He wasn't the man who came to Cràdh and insulted me. I gave him the messages from Mull and then he began speaking French. I didn't know what it meant. And he told me.

Hector leaned forward. "What did it mean?"

" Your heart is more precious than gold." Then he told me to wear this necklace as his chosen, and he said, "Give me your heart."

"Donne-moi ton c?ur."

Yes. And then…we kissed some more. She blushed. A lot. I stopped it before we crossed a line. And then he apologized. As if he regretted kissing me at all. And then the guards came. They took us to Niall. Niall seized me and Léo was forced to the ground—too weak to fight back. Father attacked Niall and I knew he would die. And that is the last I remember. If I hadn't been there Father would still be alive.

"And you think that what you do, or don't do, informs the very nature of God?"

She stilled, unsure how to respond. Yes…no…who can tell God what to do? But my actions…they led to punishment.

"Moira, I'll be honest with you. I don't believe God took your father because you kissed the man you love, and who loves you. Or because you were there that day trying to help Léo."

She shook her head. Léo doesn't love me.

" I think he might, Moira. The man is good looking, and och he knows it. Always has. Used it to flirt with and charm women, but never did he kiss or touch a woman. I lived with him for seven years and I'm telling you he would never. Not until he met Théa. Not until he loved, and even then, he married her."

She shook her head in disagreement, thinking of Ardis.

"You can shake your head all you want, but I know him. Moira, your father was killed because Niall is an evil man. Your mother was killed because Niall is an evil man. Your voice was lost because you got sick as a girl. And look at the extraordinary things God has given you. You can fly through trees and tumble around like a butterfly. You can see the detail and beauty in creation and sketch the movement in a baby's mouth while he dreams. And you are bold. The boldest woman I've ever met. "

His words touched a painful rip, and she wondered if he was right.

"You should've waited for us to take care of the siege engine, but you did it, Moira. You destroyed the siege engine all by yourself. Something that I was going to put every man on—made a bit of a mess. Unintentionally eliminated some of the enemy force…but make no mistake, they are enemies. Opposed to the King of the Isles, instigators of violence and cruelty, which is why Calum and Iain were so angry you went by yourself and took such risk with your life and safety. We've engaged them in battle, seen the destruction in the villages across the Islands and Scotland. They're brutal men. What did Léo say?"

He doesn't know I am part of the Shield. He doesn't know about the tunnel. He doesn't know what I can do. He thinks me only Niall's leman. And he's angry with me because of it, he says I've hurt him. He avoids me and castigates me.

"Did word never reach him through Mowbray about your actions?"

I don't believe so. He's angry I act the way I do with Niall. Then he was almost sent back to prison because of the destruction of the siege engine. Niall thought he destroyed it. But he was able to account for his time in his room that night.

"How?"

A maid confirmed that they were together all night.

Hector's mouth dropped open. "Oh."

Hurt seared her heart. It's over, Hector. He's finished with me. I cannot bear the thought of him knowing what I did to those men. That because of me he was almost thrown back in Cràdh. I don't know how to begin to explain . Tears stung her eyes and Hector wiped them away.

"Now don't start cryin' again. You must tell him, Moira. If Léo knows that you work with the Shield he will protect you. And if things go wrong he can help you get away. And something tells me if he knew what you were up to and what you've done to save us, and him, all would be forgiven."

Perhaps. But things would never be the same.

"Are you willing to go back to Dun Ringill? Do you wish to continue? If you've had enough I would understand. I will take you home with me right now."

Her love for Léo strengthened her heart. No matter what he thought, she had committed herself to him as his chosen. Yes. I cannot leave Léo there. And when Niall returns from Scotland there may be more information to be gleaned about the Wolf's plans. I must go back.

"I was hoping you would say that… because I have a mission for you. There's been a terrible attack on Islay. We think the Wolf can travel great distances around the Isles with fewer breaks, because of a large store of supplies near Breacais…"

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