33. Nelly

Chapter 33

Nelly

T hat fucking family photo.

I couldn’t stop staring at it as I hung Matty’s latest masterpiece—a man walking his dog that he’d seen out the window. He’d drawn that one of the three of us the first week I was here, so sure already that he wanted me to stay in his life. It hurt to look at it again, gnawing at my chest uncomfortably, and all I could do was look at it, feel it, hurt myself with it.

I had to protect myself, and by extension, I had to protect Matty.

And I knew what that meant. I knew what I needed to do for myself and for him to right the hundreds of wrongs I’d done.

As much as I wanted to believe I was wrong, I wasn’t in any place to handle a relationship, clearly. If I was right, if Seb was sleeping with someone else and lying to me about it, then I’d be saving myself a shit ton of heartbreak. And if I was wrong… then he and Matty didn’t need to deal with the stress of my paranoia. It wasn’t fair for them to have to deal wi th an unhealed version of me, as much as I wanted to think I was over it all.

But I would be smart this time. I wouldn’t disappear without warning. I wouldn’t put everyone else through hell for me. I could wait until after playoffs to make sure that Seb wasn’t destroying their chances because of me. I could wait until then for Matty, too, since he’d be out of school, and it wouldn’t affect that. And if I waited, Seb could handle the changeover since his schedule wouldn’t be as hectic, and he’d have time to find someone else to watch Matty.

I slipped out the back door and fought the burn in the back of my eyes that hadn’t fully gone away since last night. Rosie needed to know, at least, so she could start looking for something else full-time for me again — with a start date after the playoffs ended.

“Again?” Rosie asked, the worry in her tone more than evident. “What’s happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I steeled my jaw to keep from crying again. “Just, keep me open for that time. I can switch then with minimal issues and it shouldn’t come back to bite the business in the ass.”

“Nelly,” Rosie pushed.

“Please.”

“We should talk about this before I put it down in the books,” she insisted. “I’m worried you’re making a mistake again. You forgave him, I don’t understand what’s changed.”

“I just can’t keep doing this with him, okay?” I said, my voice cracking as my facade began to slip. I hastily put it back together as quickly as I could, the worry of Matty coming around the corner and seeing me as a mess again too much to fathom. “Please. I’ve got to look after Matty and I can’t be a sobbing wreck right now. ”

She sighed. “Okay,” she said. “But you need to tell me what’s happening sooner rather than later. I’ll put you back in the diary.”

“Thank you.”

I hung up without a second thought.

Taking a moment to calm myself, I breathed deeply, forcing the burning to go away and my lower lip to stop wobbling. I could handle this. I had to handle this.

But if I was being honest with myself, I wanted to believe him, and I wanted the time between now and the last game to fix myself. I wanted him to prove me wrong. I wanted him to show me that I could trust him and trust myself to handle these things.

I wanted him.

I wanted him, and Matty, and everything that would mean if we did it for real. I didn’t want to walk away. But I couldn’t stay if I was right.

I didn’t know what the fuck to do anymore.