Chapter 51

51

Lena

Mine. Mine Mine. His words ricochet around in my head. My belly flutters. Why does this possessive streak in him turn me on so? And the fact that he not only allowed me to use my body to console his son, but also joined us? Why does that feel so forbidden, yet so erotic? And he doesn't want me to sleep with Isaac again. It's a one-time thing. That's good, right? I don't want to sleep with Isaac again, either. I only reached out to him because I felt sorry for him. It wasn't a pity fuck, though I did want him to feel included. Didn't want him to feel lonely. Wanted to, somehow, bridge the gap between him and his father, and JJ had caught onto that. He understood what I was trying to do even before I did. And then he got on board, to the point where he directed the proceedings. It's why he's decided that he's the one who allowed me to sleep with Isaac and him at the same time.

Only, I don't agree with that. He may have caught on quickly, but really, it was my choice to fuck both of them. And if I want to, I can do it again. Do I want to fuck both of them at the same time again? Not really. But the very fact he implied it was him in charge and he can tell me what to do is both exciting, and also frustrating, and so typically JJ. His dominance is what I love about him. His self-assuredness is also what I hate about him. It attracts me, yet threatens to overwhelm me.

I've always thought of myself as confident and knowing what I want. But meeting him has shown me there are depths to my personality I haven't yet plumbed. That deep inside, when it comes to sex, I want a man who can take charge, who will treat my body like it's his, who'll tell me what to do, and use my body, and fuck me so hard I see stars. Who'll demand things of me I've never dreamed of submitting to. Who I'll love to challenge, simply because I love the war of wills that follows, and the physical act of him making me submit to him is both an agony and a relief. A chance to finally give myself up, not think, not have to make choices. To allow myself to yield to him and let him have his way with me is such sweet sorrow and tingling joy. My toes curl. My scalp tingles. Pinpricks of electricity shoot through my veins. I'm aroused just thinking about it. I find myself leaning in close to him. Inhaling his scent. Drawing the heat from his body around me like a shield.

"Eat." JJ points at the still-full plate in front of me.

"And if I refuse?"

His eyes gleam. "I'll take great pleasure in feeding you, baby. You can count on it."

Isaac clears his throat. "I think I need to get going." He glances between us. "You're going to be fine, Lena."

We'll see.

"This is the right decision for all of us." He jerks his chin in JJ's direction. "I'll be out and about for the next few days, shooting. Then I'll hire a studio in Soho to develop the photographs, and decide which ones I'm going to use to inspire my next set of paintings." It'll give you the privacy you need to figure things out. He doesn't say that aloud, but he may as well have. Then he walks out the door.

The silence stretches. I don't sit down, don't eat, don't look at JJ. I really need to figure out what I want. It's not like I have feelings for Isaac. Despite the fact that I slept with him, I regard him more as a friend. As for JJ? What I feel for him is so much more complex. "I need a little time apart."

"Excuse me?" He seems taken aback, like he can't imagine anyone ever saying those words to him.

"I need to figure out my thoughts, JJ."

"It's Jack."

Blood rushes to my cheeks. Somehow calling him Jack feels very intimate. Like we're back in bed. Somehow, it feels right only in bed. "That's what I mean. You're constantly ordering me around, insisting it was your idea when I do certain things?—"

"If you're alluding to the fact that we had a threesome with my son?—"

I wince. When he puts it like that, it sounds so scandalous. Also, "That was my idea."

"It was my idea," he says at the same time.

I scowl.

He frowns.

"Not that it matters, I suppose. We were both a part of it, and we agree it was the right thing to do."

"And that's what I like about you." He reaches for my hand, and I let him take it. "Anyone else might have been scandalized by what happened. In fact, they'd probably never have taken a step in Isaac's direction in the sauna."

"I felt like I had to include him, you know?"

"I understand."

I shake my head. "And that's what's so annoying. You do get it. You get me … Mostly. It's just that your personality is too overpowering."

"It's what you find attractive."

"And I need to have my head examined for it. How can someone being such a jerkass be so?—"

"Charismatic?"

"I was going to go for cringe-inducing," I mutter.

He reels me in toward him, and I should protest, but JJ in a black T-shirt and jeans is over-the-top-panty-melting. I manage to flatten my palms again his chest to stop his progress.

"JJ, stop."

"It's Jack."

"I can't call you Jack. You're my boss."

"And your lover."

I search his features. "Is that what we are?"

"Isn't that what we are?" he counters.

I draw in a breath and—mistake—it's JJ-scented. My ovaries seem to swell.

"Do you want kids?"

"What?" He stares.

"Children, JJ. You're what, fifty?"

"I'm forty-nine," he snaps.

"Do you want kids?"

He releases me. Aha! Apparently, I found something that puts him off. Typical male behavior. Talk about the real stuff, and they get all lily-livered.

"That phase of my life is behind me, girl."

"Oh, so now it's girl." I snort.

"You're my girl." His lips curl.

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Smirk like an alphahole and go all possessive on me."

He opens his mouth, but I shoot up my hand.

"And yes, I find it hot and it turns me on, but it's not the solution."

"Told you, baby, sex is the solution to everything." His smirk deepens.

"It's sex that got me into this situation."

"What situation?"

"You know—being attracted to you, then actually sleeping with both of you—" I drag my fingers through my hair. "I don't regret it but, seriously, a threesome. With my boyfriend?—"

"Your ex-boyfriend."

"Technically, he was still my boyfriend then. So, technically, I cheated on him with his father, then slept with both of them." I hunch my shoulders. "That really does sound bad."

"You don't have to feel bad. We did it because it was the only way for us to move forward. And things are so much better now."

"Maybe for you and Isaac, but I'm not sure where that leaves me. I don't regret doing it?—"

"So you keep saying."

"But I also wonder what it says about me, you know? Am I so self-centered that I allowed my desires to overpower me?"

"You're being too harsh on yourself. Isaac himself says he understands why you did it. He holds no ill will toward you. If anything, he's grateful to you."

I wrap my arms around my waist. "Maybe so, but I need to figure things out for myself. I need to understand why I did what I did."

He blows out a breath. "I understand what you're saying."

"Do you?"

He nods. "No sex until you work things out for yourself."

"I think I need to move out?—"

"No, absolutely not."

"It'd only be until I sort things through."

"I'm not letting you out of my sight," he growls.

"You're not my keeper, JJ. I can do whatever I want."

"Not in this instance. I've only just found you. I, too, am trying to figure out what I want to do about whatever it is between the two of us. I can't just let you walk away."

"I'm not walking away."

"You said you want time apart. I may not be a millennial?—"

"I'm Gen Z, actually," I murmur.

"Thanks for pointing that out." His scowl deepens. "Either way, I'm not letting you leave. I need to see you every day."

"And I don't want to see you. At least, not outside of work. I need a chance to just be normal."

"Not happening." He folds his arms across his chest, mirroring my stance.

"If we want to go anywhere with whatever it is that's happening between us, then you need to learn to give a little."

"I'm too—" He firms his lips.

"You were saying."

"You can stay in a different room. You don't have to move into my bedroom," he says through gritted teeth.

I scoff. "And see you at every turn, and sneak peeks while you show off your sculpted physique while you swim every night?"

His eyebrows rise. "You spied on me swimming?"

"You know I did. So no, I can't stay here under your roof. It's too much."

"You mean you find me irresistible?" He smirks again.

"Oh, my god! Do you always need to have your ego stroked?"

A full-fledged smile lights up his face. He looks so much younger, so carefree, for just that moment. Is this how he'd come across if he were relaxed? More laid-back. More approachable. More fun?

"You do find me irresistible," he says in a satisfied tone.

"You know I do. And you know, even though it was you and Isaac fucking me, I couldn't take my eyes off you. Isaac was nothing more than an extension of you to me. You were the leader through and through when the three of us made love."

His gaze heats. Silver and gold flecks flash in the depths of his eyes. The heat from his body seems to dial up. The air between us heats.

"This is what I mean." I clear my throat. "We spend any length of time together, and invariably, things turn steamy."

"Nothing wrong with that."

"That's true, and it's exactly what I want to avoid right now."

"I can't let you leave, Lena." His tone turns serious. "I can't."

"You can, JJ."

He shakes his head.

"You have to, JJ. If you have any hope for the two of us getting together, then let me go."