Chapter 19

nineteen

"Regan, this is the best fucking cookie I've ever had in my life ! I'm going to enter this recipe in the Primrose Grove baking contest," Phoebe announced. "Let's see if Marcia Weatherby and her little chocolate chunks can beat these ," she huffed.

Bea knocked her shoulder against Phoebe's, rolling her eyes up at Regan from across the counter. "This recipe belongs to Regan; if anyone is going to enter it in the contest, it should be Sherry. Regan's dating her granddaughter."

Everyone turned their attention to Sherry, who offered a heavy shrug. "Oh, no. I'm not taking responsibility for any baking competitions. Phoebe, the recipe is yours… especially if it'll help you beat Marcia," she muttered.

Delighted by the assisted living home gossip, Regan beamed. "I'll allow anyone in our quad here to use the recipe, and I'll be so freaking pumped if we win!"

"Regan, you have the right kind of spirit!" Phoebe nodded at her in approval.

Regan grinned back, before the clock on the wall behind Phoebe caught her attention, and her mouth fell open on a gasp. "Oh! It's five!"

"Got a hot date?" Phoebe asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

Bea nudged her, shaking her head… only to then turn her attention to Regan as well. "Bad manners aside – you got a date?"

"Um…" Regan dug her teeth into her bottom lip, unsure of exactly how to answer.

The reality was that she did not have a date, and she knew that.

But the reality was also that she hadn't been able to actually talk to Emma since yesterday afternoon at Everly's birthday party. Since her big confession.

After the cake cutting, Regan had wound up in conversation after conversation with a multitude of parents complimenting her baked goods and asking for her business card. These people believed Regan had business cards!

Even though she'd been flattered and awed that so many people had enjoyed her desserts, she'd desperately wanted to talk to Emma. But she'd made herself linger and chat with the PTA parents, because she was trying to give Emma some time to take in everything Regan had told her. She knew Emma really well, now, and she knew Emma needed to process.

By the time she had some actual breathing room, over an hour had passed and the party had been winding down.

Unfortunately, Sherry hadn't been feeling too well after several hours out in the heat and humidity, and Emma had approached Regan to let her know she was going to bring her gram home.

Regan had stayed for a while longer – mostly because she had to collect some of the fancy food storage containers she'd brought the desserts in, and return them to Topped Off. Once she'd gotten home that evening, though, Emma had texted her to let her know that she was going to stay at her gram's for a while to make sure she was doing okay.

Regan had fallen asleep by the time Emma had gotten home, and – unfortunately for Regan – she'd had to get to Topped Off by six this morning.

She was waiting on tenterhooks to actually see and speak to Emma again. It was making her so… anxious? Exhilarated? Energized? All of the above? That even though Regan had gotten off of her shift four hours ago, she hadn't been able to sit around by herself at home, waiting for Emma.

So, would she say that she had a hot date ?! Not exactly. She had to talk to a hot woman about the potential ramifications of her feelings declaration.

But, with Emma's grandmother sitting right here, she couldn't really say that.

"Something like that," she settled on. "I want to get home for when Emma is out of work."

There, that was the truth at least.

Bea nodded with excitement. "That could count."

"Depending on what you're doing at home," Phoebe added with an exaggeratedly lascivious wink.

Regan wished . God, her body throbbed at how much she wished for that to be the case.

Regan had been through dry spells before, months without sex. Which was fine; she had a vibrator and all. What wasn't fine was that she'd never lived with a source of constant temptation, before!

She had to hold in her wistful sigh.

"Ah, I'm going to cut you two off right there. I don't need any more details," Sherry asserted, pushing herself up from the chair she'd been sitting in. "I'll walk you out."

Regan rushed forward, shaking her head. "No, seriously, you don't need to go to any trouble. I know the way… and if I don't, I'm sure I'll run into someone, eventually, to help me."

Sherry cut her a look. "When you're my age, the heat might very well get to you, too. But I'm perfectly fine."

Phoebe scoffed. "Preach."

Regan held up her hands in surrender. "All right. It was really great to hang out with you two again."

"Come back for another bingo night!" Bea encouraged.

"Or the baking contest, so you can see your cookie recipe wipe the floor with Marcia," Phoebe gleefully added.

Laughing, Regan reached out to shake her hand. "Deal."

"Hurry back, Sherry. I'm going to hold you to that offer to teach us Omaha," Bea called.

"And to bitch about Marcia!"

"I'll only be a minute," Sherry affirmed. "Get the cards."

Amused, Regan looked around them to guarantee that they were alone in the hallway they were walking down before she asked, "What's up with Marcia Weatherby?"

Sherry pursed her lips. "Oh, she's always bragging about her grandson, trying to one-up anyone that will listen. She's always got to be the best at everything. Incredibly obnoxious; we're all here in the same place." She shook her head. "I rarely even venture out to join in on group activities, and I've witnessed it a number of times."

"Bitch," Regan muttered, delighted. "This place really is like a dorm!"

Sherry laughed, patting Regan's arm as they approached the lobby. "I really appreciate you coming by today. You didn't have to check on me, though; I'm really fine. Just overdid it yesterday."

Regan shrugged as she tugged the strap of her backpack over her shoulder. "I know I didn't have to. I wanted to."

Which was the truth. Not only because Emma had clearly been concerned for her gram, but because Regan really liked Sherry.

"Honestly, it was a good time. I don't really know anyone else who's available for a hangout in the middle of the day on a Monday, so this was great timing for me. Plus, you said yesterday that you'd always wanted to learn how to bake, so it all worked perfectly."

Also the truth.

"And you wanting to bake the cookies in the community kitchen instead of in my suite?" Sherry arched a knowing eyebrow at her.

Guilelessly, Regan shrugged. "I like a bigger kitchen to work in."

"Yes, either that or you have the voice of my Emma in your ear telling you that she's worried about me making friends here."

Holding her hands up, Regan confessed, "All right, that thought crossed my mind. But… I'd say it worked out?" She ventured, hopefully.

Phoebe and Bea had come across them two hours ago, just as they'd started unpacking the ingredients Regan had brought along. They'd paused, recognizing her from bingo, and had seamlessly invited themselves to join in.

Sure, Regan had come here for a multitude of reasons, and aiming to get Sherry more comfortable with her peers was a part of her halfcocked plan. But she'd had a genuinely fun afternoon, and had found that she'd been able to distract herself from the Emma, Emma, Emma loop playing in her head. Ironic, since she'd been with Emma's grandmother.

"It did work out," Sherry agreed, a small smile curling at the edges of her mouth. "And… I appreciate it. I appreciate you coming all the way up here to bake with me, too. I–" She cleared her throat, her expression growing more serious. "I'll be honest with you. While Emma worries about me, I also worry about her. Emma is so… closed-off. Perhaps that is pot calling the kettle black, coming from me," she admitted, ruefully. "I know where she gets it from."

"I love how focused and hardworking Emma is; I've always been so proud of that. After her breakup with Felicity, though, it was almost like having any semblance of a personal life wasn't something she was willing to do, again. Even though she didn't want to discuss it with me – and I know, I wasn't the friendliest to Felicity, so that was my fault – I was concerned."

Regan was utterly riveted . Because – true to Sherry's word – Emma so rarely discussed her romantic life, at all. Even though she knew some minimal details about Felicity, she wanted to hear everything. She wanted every crumb of knowledge she could possibly get about Emma, wanted to soak it in.

Sherry breathed out a quiet laugh, waving her hand slightly. "I know she'd hate that we're having this discussion, too. So, all I'll say is – I really like you, Regan. I think you're good for Emma. A little louder, more outspoken. You've been supporting her through Kimberly's reappearance in her life – and she's been letting you. That says…" Sherry pursed her lips, shaking her head slightly. "That says everything to me. Plus, she never has anything but wonderful things to say about you."

"Really?" Regan found herself asking, her stomach fluttering with the revelation.

She needed to hang out with Sherry more – first, with how she'd told Regan about Emma's past crush on her, and now this?!

"She texts me all of the time about the updates about the shows you watch together and what an amazing cook you are, or the things you say that make her laugh. It's… well, it's really wonderful to see, that's all."

"It's wonderful to hear." As if the full-watt smile on Regan's face didn't reveal that! Her cheeks hurt from how wide this smile was.

Even if Emma didn't reciprocate her feelings, Emma liked her as a person. As a human being. Enough that her gram could see it, and, yeah, Regan wanted more . But this? It felt like a pretty big deal to her.

"Anyway, I should get back. Get home safe, and tell Emma I'm absolutely fine ," Sherry stressed.

Regan saluted her. "Done. Go kick ass at cards."

"Done."

As Sherry turned to go, Regan felt her phone vibrate in her back pocket. Excitement sparked through her as she realized – Emma was officially out of work! This could very well be her!

Quickly, she walked out of the building and hustled toward the subway, as she looked down at her phone.

Only for the excitement inside of her to completely deflate.

Emma – 5:03PM

Hey, so I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to grab some dinner with Brynn tonight

Regan halted to a stop, her stomach clenching uncomfortably. Since when did Emma go out for dinner with Brynn?!

Regan – 5:03PM

Cool cool cool. So… this has nothing to do with me telling you that I have feelings for you, right??

Because, if you really think about it, me telling you that I have feelings for you actually doesn't change the fact that I've HAD the feelings for longer than you know

Longer than Regan, herself, even knew!

Regan – 5:04PM

I'm just saying that I don't want to make it weird between us. I told you so that things WOULDN'T get weird, you know?

She watched, more gripped than she was during a reality show finale, as those three little dots appeared.

And then disappeared.

And then appeared again.

Emma – 5:04PM

No. It has nothing to do with yesterday. I'm just having dinner with Brynn

Regan knew she should let it go. Really, she did. Logically, that was what she should do…

Regan – 5:05PM

You have to admit the timing is a little weird. Especially since you and I haven't really been able to actually talk since I told you how I'd love to be your girlfriend (real). But if you tell me it's coincidence, then I'll be forced to believe you

Again, with those little dots appearing and then disappearing, appearing, disappearing, appear–

Emma – 5:06PM

Yes, I will admit that it's strange timing. But… like you said, you were only telling me so that things weren't weird, right? Following your own logic…

Not a single cell in Regan's body believed her, and she heaved a stressed sigh.

Regan – 5:06PM

All right-i-o. Then, I'll see you at home (sometime)

Emma – 5:06PM

Seems pretty likely since we both live there, and we share such a small bathroom

Okay, so that seemed normal? Maybe a little teasing tone, if Regan was interpreting correctly. Maybe she was reading into things.

When her phone started buzzing in her hand, her heart leapt in her chest, making her feel like she was coming back to life. Maybe it was Emma! Maybe –

"Hey, hi, hello?" She breathed, entirely too excited to sound even remotely normal.

A few seconds of silence beat by before she was greeted with, "Are you on anything this particular evening?"

Recognizing the voice, Regan dropped her head back in disappointment. "Charlotte. Hey." A moment later, she perked back up when the realization dawned on her. " Charlotte ? Hey?"

"Regan," Charlotte shortly returned, cautiously. "Are you… doing well?"

Frowning, Regan answered, "Um – well. You know, I've been better, and been worse. So, I suppose it all evens out."

And that was true.

She was living with Emma, whom she'd befriended, developed feelings for, kissed, and was now uncertain of their status. She saw Emma in various states of dress and undress. Got to hear her laughter, watch the way she stared down so intently at her laptop when she was working that Regan felt like she could see the way her mind was moving.

Torturous bliss.

"Weirdest thing that's happened to me all day is that you're calling." She had no problem admitting that.

Charlotte scoffed. "How is that so odd? We've been communicating regularly for over a month. You text me multiple times a week and I always answer. You've even been inside of my home."

"And I'm sure for you that counts for a deeply personal friendship," Regan sort-of joked. Not really; she knew enough about Charlotte to know that she wasn't totally wrong. "But the reality is that I'm the one that's initiated all of our past communications. So, you have to give this to me – you calling me out of the blue? A little strange."

"I'm calling to ask if you'd like to have dinner with me tonight. A dinner party I was supposed to go to was unexpectedly canceled, and I have some free time. If you'd rather not, then–"

Even though Regan stood by what she'd said, and she was still confused as hell, she quickly cut Charlotte off before she could rescind the random offer. "No! Dinner sounds great. Where?"

Especially because Regan's preferred dinner companion was going out to dinner with Brynn .

"I'll drop you a pin to the restaurant."

"Be warned – I'm in Astoria, so it'll probably take me a bit to get there."

"And I'm in Midtown traffic, so there's a good chance you'll arrive before me."

Regan did beat Charlotte to the ritzy Greek place Charlotte had sent her to, but only by a few minutes.

She'd barely gotten settled – still no new texts from Emma. What was that about? – when she spotted Charlotte strutting through to the back of the restaurant to join her at the private table she'd been seated at as soon as she'd dropped Charlotte's name.

She tilted her head, watching Charlotte glide toward her. It was a very specific walk she had, determined and smooth, all in one.

"Why don't I feel any attraction to you?" She demanded to know, as soon as Charlotte reached the table.

Charlotte slowly lifted her sunglasses off of her face, staring down at Regan with exasperation. "Please, not this conversation again."

Regan tapped her palms restlessly against the tabletop. "I just don't get it! I'm into women – confirmed. In a big way. You're super-hot. What's that about?"

Charlotte pursed her lips, gripping the back of her chair as if she wasn't sure she wanted to sit in it or slide it back into the table and leave. "Attraction is an interesting thing. If we were attracted to every person that was stereotypically super-hot , we'd have a very boring society, wouldn't we? Besides, it's not just looks that we're drawn to."

Regan knew Charlotte was right, of course.

Maybe that was also what tripped her up about how deeply she was into Emma. Regan had never been that into any man, not even ones she'd been dating. The physical connection had always been there, but she'd never wanted more with them. She'd never wanted to make them laugh or hoped they found her smart and interesting or stayed up late at night wondering if they were thinking about her the way she was thinking about them.

She did that with Emma. A lot. Wondering what she was doing or what was on her mind, right across the hall.

"We're not going to have a repeat conversation about attraction," she confirmed, mostly so Charlotte would sit down, already.

When she did, Regan leaned in, intently. "What I do still want to know – now that we're already here, no take-backs – is why you called me and invited me to dinner."

Charlotte crossed her arms over her chest and straightened her spine, and – wow , she really could look seriously intimidating! Regan wanted to learn how to mimic that. "We're here tonight because I have a girlfriend that is very concerned about her best friend. Why isn't Regan talkative lately ? Do you think Regan's okay ? Do you think Regan is upset with me for coming to Rome ? Do you think everything really is all right between Regan and Emma ?" She parroted words that clearly belonged to Sutton, with no small amount of dissatisfaction at the situation.

Surprised, Regan's stomach knotted with guilt, and she pressed her hands there, trying to quell it. "Oh, fuck. I was hoping that she was so busy with her internship that she wouldn't have noticed."

"You think Sutton wouldn't notice that something major is going on with you, from even across the ocean?" Charlotte asked, dubiously. "I'm insulted on her behalf."

Regan's mouth fell open in shock. "Here you are, shaming me for not treating Sutton with the highest respect. How the turns have tabled."

Even as she joked, Regan felt awful .

"I haven't told her about what you're experiencing, because I don't feel right outing you even if it's to your best friend," Charlotte informed her, imperiously. "But you better believe, Regan Gallagher, that I am not happy. I want this situation resolved as soon as possible. Do you understand?"

Snapping straight to attention, Regan nodded. Even without Charlotte's intimidation, she was more than suitably chastised. "I'll talk to Sutton as soon as possible, I promise. You can take that to the bank."

In fact…

Regan – 6:11PM

My beautiful English Rose living in a Roman summer! I'm so proud of you, and I want you to know that even though I've been a little off lately, it has nothing to do with you. I have a ton to tell you, but don't stress – everything really is completely fine with me. Just been reallllll busy

Emotionally, she was the busiest she'd ever been in her life!

Given the time difference, she didn't expect Sutton to answer right away. Yet –

Sutton, the One and Only – 6:11PM

Something tells me that this has to do with my chat earlier with Charlotte. Either way, I'm happy and relieved to hear it. I love you and can't wait for the updates

Regan – 6:12PM

I love you, too!!! Now, get some beauty rest!

She waggled her phone at Charlotte, who'd been watching her every move. "Already working on it."

Charlotte nodded with obvious approval. "Good."

Their waiter approached with perfect timing. And, after Regan ordered, she stared across the table at Charlotte. Even though she hadn't planned to have this opportunity, it couldn't hurt to have her lesbian guru here, right?

"I love this place–" Charlotte started to say, as their waiter left.

Unfortunately for her, Regan had been counting down the seconds until she could unleash her words. "Yeah, we totally have to get back to how you discovered this place, later. But right now, I need to know – what would you do if you kissed a woman, and she reciprocated… but then ended the kiss, and said it couldn't ever happen again? Also, let's say you told this woman that you were super attracted to her and that you think about that attraction all of the time, but said it was only platonic? And then , imagine some time passed, and you realized that wasn't strictly true. So, imagine that you took back that declaration of platonic feelings and let her know that you have a raging crush on her, so that everything could be above board. How would you proceed?"

Propping her elbow on the table, then her chin in her elbow, Regan stared across at Charlotte expectantly. God, it felt good to actually say this to someone!

"Hypothetically," she tacked on.

For several long moments, Charlotte only stared back. Not uttering a single word. Just… staring, her tawny eyes wide.

Finally, she blinked and asked, "Is that all?" Before she took a healthy sip of her wine.

Tapping on her chin with her index finger, Regan slowly shook her head. "Uhhh, no. What if the woman then didn't talk to you for twenty-four hours after that? But , you aren't sure if it's because she really was busy at her little sister's birthday party – not the best place for a feelings confession, but it was what I had at the time? – and is genuinely going out to dinner with her coworker for the first time ever… or if it's because she really is avoiding you, because you finally made things weird?"

Charlotte choked on the wine, quickly putting her napkin over her mouth as she coughed and stared over the napkin with watering eyes.

"It's Emma ?" She finally managed to say, once her choking subsided. "The woman you've been talking to me about all summer is Emma?"

Regan reeled back, her heart starting to hammer in her chest in panic. "What?! I didn't say her name!"

"You said her little sister's birthday party , and you posted on your social media yesterday about the cake you made for Emma's sister," Charlotte pointed out, incredulously.

"Well, I didn't think you had enough time or care to be creeping on my socials!" Regan shot back, as her cheeks burned.

God damn it! She'd been so good! So careful!

Charlotte closed her eyes, steeping her fingers to her forehead to take a moment to gather herself. "The woman that you realized you were attracted to – the woman you have apparently kissed and confessed having feelings for – is Emma? Your roommate? Sutton's friend? Emma Bordeaux, that Emma?"

"She's my friend, too," Regan defended, weakly. "Now."

Wait – she didn't have to defend herself!

"I didn't do anything wrong," she quickly added, bolstering herself up. "It's not wrong to like Emma, that way."

"It's… not," Charlotte cautiously agreed, still looking at Regan as if she'd been dropped into an alternate dimension. "I just didn't anticipate this."

"Me, neither! We're in the same boat, there!"

"Well, you've had time to process this, and I have not."

Fair. But, also, "You barely even know Emma!"

"I know enough. I know she and Sutton are close. I know… wait. Is that why you don't want Sutton to know?" Charlotte pieced together, a dawning gleam in her eyes. "Because as far as I knew, Emma wasn't queer. Which means, as far as Sutton knows…"

Oh, damn . Regan dropped her whole head into her hands, so, so disappointed with herself. "Yes," she whispered, dismally. "That's why I couldn't talk to Sutton, and that's why I haven't been as chatty with her, lately. Because I know that when I talk to Sutton, I'm going to want to tell her all about the way I feel for Emma and how I love the way she smells and the way her lips felt and the night we cuddled and I can't , because Emma is so freaking private, that she hasn't come out to Sutton yet!"

Again, though, it felt so insanely great to be able to say it all aloud! Even if she shouldn't be.

"The tangled webs we weave," Charlotte muttered, toying with the bottom of her wine glass with her fingertips, obviously deep in thought.

"I know," she commiserated. "I've really tried to respect Emma in this, and I totally just blew it. I know you don't want to keep secrets from Sutton, but…"

Regan never tried to complicate things, but complications always seemed to find her.

Minutely shaking her head, Charlotte heaved a long sigh. "No. But, as someone who lived with my sexuality under wraps, I promise that I won't take it upon myself to discuss Emma's sexuality, even with Sutton." She drew in a deep breath, her considering and critical gaze dragging up and down Regan's face. "To your credit, I never expected that you would have been able to keep such a big secret like this from Sutton in order to preserve Emma's privacy."

"I should be offended." Regan attempted to glare, but it fell apart in seconds. "But I'm surprised even by myself."

"I think it speaks volumes about how highly you truly regard Emma," Charlotte surmised, sounding utterly fascinated.

Ridiculously, Regan felt her cheeks heat. "I mean… yeah. I guess that's true."

Even though she'd never thought about it like that, Charlotte wasn't wrong.

"Anyway, enough about that." She waved her hand, as if waving the conversation away. "What I need to know is – what do I do, now?"

"You're well aware that I am truly not an expert on relationships," Charlotte pointed out. "Much as it pains me to admit my own gaps in knowledge."

"Eh, you have your moments." After all, it had been Charlotte's idea to sweep Sutton off of her feet at Oliver's wedding. "But, yes, I know. Honestly, you're the best person to talk to right now, because I don't need relationship advice. I need advice on what to do moving forward. Single, and unexpectedly sapphic."

"And… you're positive that Emma doesn't have any feelings for you, as well?" Charlotte asked.

Regan's heart skipped at the very thought. Slowly, though, she shook her head, as the reality quickly dampened that hypothetical excitement. "She doesn't. Shouldn't come as a surprise."

She really, really had been trying not to dwell on that. Because if Regan let herself dive too far into the fact that the only person she'd ever felt so much for didn't feel the same way in return… well, it didn't feel good, that was for sure.

In fact, it made her stomach cramp, and the backs of her throat feel a little tight.

Instead, she'd been really, really trying to focus on the future, and the actual possibilities it could hold for her.

Charlotte scoffed. "Your entire experience this summer comes as quite the surprise. Emma seems to have let you in to a degree to which she hasn't even let Sutton in, after years of friendship. You've kissed. You've met all of her family – you quite literally made her sister a birthday cake. Something has shifted enough that you've apparently cuddled through the night – don't think I missed that – and you felt comfortable enough to confess your feelings to her. I think it's a fair question to ask if she reciprocates these feelings."

When Regan heard it stated back to her like that , it made her want to reconsider her own certainty. To look over all of their interactions with a fine-toothed comb.

Quickly, though, she dismissed those thoughts.

The faster she could figure out how to move on from this, how to make it so that her body didn't tingle every time she and Emma touched, how to get to a place where she wasn't giddy at the prospect of spending time with Emma, the faster life could feel normal, again. The faster she could feel comfortable in her own home, again. The faster she and Emma could dive into building an actually platonic relationship.

Also, the faster Regan could not get her heart crushed by continuously having to remind herself that Emma didn't feel this way about her.

"No, she doesn't. We're just… friends." Regan nodded in finality with the word. "We're friends, and I'm happy with that."

And she was !

"I just need to figure out the best way to view Emma as only a friend, so that we can all just – move on. So, what would you do?" She asked again, trying to push away Emma from her thoughts and focus on Charlotte and only Charlotte.

Charlotte continued to stare at her, lightly drumming her fingertips on the table. Finally, she answered, "Prior to Sutton, as I know you know, I'd never dealt with having feelings for someone. When I was stressed – or, I imagine, if I'd been in your shoes and wanted to further explore my sexuality – I'd try to find someone on a dating app to have a bit of… exploratory fun with."

Leaning back, Regan took in those words with shock. A sapphic dating app honestly hadn't even occurred to her.

"If I were you, I'd likely create a profile on SapphicSpark. But, that's just me."

Could that even work ? Was trying to explore this with a different woman the possible answer?

Like, maybe Regan had never experienced an emotional attraction to a man, but… but maybe if there was another woman out there that caught her eye – maybe she could start there?

Cautiously, she eyed Charlotte. "Maybe you are a good guide…"