Chapter Twenty-Six

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Kieran

If this were a normal day, a day where Ellie hadn't ghosted me, you couldn't have paid me to get on BART. It was over ninety degrees outside, and a slick of sweat greased my grip on the train pole. Bleached September light flooded the train car as we surfaced in West Oakland, and the inside air felt hot enough to bake potatoes. But an icy shard of fear kept me from falling asleep on my feet.

It had been over a week since Tad had found me tangled up with Ellie in the hallway, and she hadn't called, hadn't texted, nothing. Maybe I'd cursed myself all those months ago, not answering her messages full of big words and cool politeness.

It wasn't like this hadn't happened to me before. I'd both ghosted and been ghosted. But it hadn't mattered before, either. I'd never even been able to think this far ahead before her. But now I could see eating breakfast together, not just protein bars. I could see coming back after service to a home that she'd made all warm and cozy, finding her soft and naked in our bed, arms open for me.

All I could do was hold on to the bits of hope she'd given me. She'd called me "honey," not faking it this time. She'd said she wanted me. A sad little voice in my head suggested that maybe she would have said she loved me, since loving and wanting were so close together, if only she'd heard me say it first.

I'd known it was bad when I'd looked up and seen Tad's stern face. Seen the way her pink cheeks had gone pale, how her blue eyes widened and then found the floor. The wolf that had come out when Hank had lost Floyd had bared its teeth, and I'd just barely pushed that part of me down.

Now Ellie was nowhere, and I was lost. But one night I'd been flipping around between Netflix shows when I'd seen a serious-looking dad resting his hand on his son's shoulder, and all of a sudden I remembered: there was someone else who loved her, who would always look out for her.

So on my next day off, I'd put on the pants from Mr. Murphy's suit and a blue button-up shirt, shaved away my stubble, and made sure my hair looked neat. Now as we crept along the tracks to Berkeley, as I walked from BART up the hill to Ben's house, I silently recited what I'd say to him when he opened the door. He wasn't the kind of guy for fancy words. I could see him now, arms folded across his broad chest, listening intently.

Ben, I love her, and she got hurt because I love her, and I don't know how to make it right. Please tell me what to do.

If he told me to go, I would. Ellie came first, always, even if the thought of never being in her arms again made me want to sob.

But it wasn't over yet, I told myself as I reached the front door. The metal of the round bronze door knocker was hot to my touch as I tapped it three times. A dense pause, then the slip and slide of metal, an opening, then a narrowed eye just above my height looking through it. "Who is it?"

My heartfelt speech collapsed into nonsense. My carefully laid-out plan hadn't included Ellie's mother-in-law opening the door instead.

"Hi, Diane. I'm Kieran. Ellie's…" I stumbled. For fuck's sake, I should have nailed down that Ellie was so much more to me. "We met back in July." A nervous cough forced its way out of my throat. "I need to talk to Ben. Is he around?"

She opened the door a little wider. She didn't look like a ghost today, but she still seemed mostly made of frayed edges and cobwebs. "He's at his weekly training," she said. Her voice was soft and cool.

My eyes found my feet before I yanked them back up. "Do you know when he'll be back?" I asked tentatively.

"No," she said in that gray voice. "Why did you need to talk to him?"

I could go home and try again tomorrow. But I couldn't handle the thought of another twenty-four hours of silence. "It's about Ellie."

"What about her?" she said, still monotone.

Maybe she cared enough about Ellie that she could help me instead? "I need to know that she's all right."

She tilted her head. "She's out buying groceries. Why wouldn't she be all right?"

Great, now I sounded paranoid. "She's been quiet. It's not like her."

She folded her arms. "Ellie's been resting. Keeping off her phone." A shrug. "Not that it should matter to you. You're just her coworker, right? The reason she was looking so tired and sick." She sniffed. "Unless you were also the reason that she was gone all hours of the night for weeks? You need to leave her alone. She shouldn't be at your beck and call."

I fidgeted, suddenly guilty. Ellie had promised me that she could cope on not much sleep, but maybe she'd been hiding the toll it was taking. I could fix that. I would stay over in her bed now, be the one to slog back and forth across the Bay. I'd get up to feed Floyd every morning, bring her coffee and toast in bed.

"My son was good for her," Diane interrupted my thoughts. "You should have seen her when he first brought her by for dinner. Shy as anything, wide-eyed, in these battered old clothes. Coming from Nowheresville, with the sorriest excuse for parents I'd ever heard of. But Max saw what she could be, with time and attention. A loving wife, a daughter-in-law we could be proud of." Her dull gaze found mine. "Can you honestly tell me you're as good for her?"

I blinked as the question snuck inside my chest and pricked a hole in my heart. I knew Ellie was good for me . My bathroom was cleaner. I was more confident. I knew now that my talent wasn't the only good thing about me.

But what about her? I'd cooked her favorite things. I'd made her laugh and made her come. But was that enough? It suddenly didn't feel like enough. Had I been half-assing it this whole time?

"Max gave her a family, too," Diane continued. "He gave her a home with us."

Her words flipped a switch, and my uncertainty disappeared. Her Ellie was still Max's fragile kitten, not my ferocious lioness. I needed to make her see that. "She doesn't need it anymore," I said firmly. "She's getting her own home."

Diane froze. "What do you mean?"

How could she be so oblivious when she was Ellie's family? "She's been saving up for months to buy her own place! That's why she's been working so hard." I tried to gulp my anger down. "Ellie's so strong now. Definitely stronger than me, maybe stronger than all of us. And I think you should let her go."

Ellie

Berkeley Bowl had been full of aging hippies dithering over the produce I needed, and then I'd picked the wrong checkout line and waited behind three different people who wouldn't lift a finger to pack their own grocery bags. By the time I turned onto our street, I was ready to curl up on the sofa with Floyd and swear off the rest of humanity. Muttering to myself, I only noticed at the last second the two people standing in front of the house. Diane in her default black yoga pants and top, flour dusted across her chest, shaking her head. Kieran gesticulating avidly, a copper-haired prince dressed in blue. I pulled over to the curb and jammed my car into park.

"How could you?" Diane called as I got out and made my way to them, at the same time that Kieran asked, "Are you OK?"

I shook my head hard as their words collided. "I don't understand. What's going on?"

"This man, " Diane said, putting a steaming load of contempt into the word as she pointed at Kieran, "told me you want to leave us."

I immediately turned on him. "You told her that?" I snapped.

He put his hands up, incredulous. "You never said it was a secret!"

Diane's voice wobbled. "It's true, then."

I tried to shake off the shock and make my voice reassuring when I answered her. "I wasn't going to go too far away. I was looking for apartments around here. We can still spend time together."

"But why didn't you tell me?" she cried. "You used to tell me everything. I've always confided in you ."

I felt myself shrinking, bending, lowering my head. "I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Ema."

"I feel so silly now," she said angrily. "Were you only putting up with us for all this time? I thought you loved us."

"I do. Of course I do. You made my life so much better."

She sniffed. "Not better enough, that you would go off with him in secret."

The waves of shame were coming higher and higher up my body. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

She suddenly took my hands in hers, squeezed my fingers tight. "It'll be all right if you say you'll stay. Please stay with us. We love you so much."

A car door slammed. "What's going on here?" Ben called. "Why are the three of you outside in this heat?"

Diane's eyes didn't leave mine as he approached. "Ellie was thinking of leaving us. But she's not going to, right, sweetheart?"

I was the main character in this four-person play, Kieran and Ben and Diane looking to me for their cues. All I wanted was to sprint offstage and hide.

An easy truth found its way out of my mouth first. "I'm not leaving yet." I forced out the hard words. "But I don't want to live here forever. I want my own home someday."

Ben paused, then nodded.

"But Ellie," Diane whimpered.

"And I need you to respect my choice when the time comes." My voice broke as I rushed the words out. "Please, Ema."

"No," she immediately answered.

" Diane, " Ben growled.

She spun on him, dropping my hands. "Why can't she stay with us? Why can't things be how they used to?"

"Because Max is gone, " he said bluntly. "He died over three years ago. He isn't coming back."

For the first and only time in my Californian life, I wished for an earthquake. Something to split the ground open and drag me down into darkness.

"No, no, no." Diane's moan stabbed into my old scars.

"And Ellie's alive ."

"But as long as she's here, I can remember Max. If she goes, he'll disappear, too," she said too fast.

"Diane," he said, his voice turning into pity.

She shook her head hard, not hearing him. "We're her family. She needs us. She owes us."

I'd loved her son with all my heart, cared for her, made her endless meals, and I owed her? "I don't owe you!" exploded out of my mouth. "I love you, but I don't owe you anything."

Suddenly Diane turned to me, unrecognizable, all bitter rage. "How dare you! You were nothing before my son picked you."

"Enough!" Ben shouted.

Diane clamped her mouth shut.

Pain and guilt and grief surged in my stomach. I wasn't sure if I was going to vomit, cry, or faint. Maybe all three.

"Ellie?" Kieran whispered next to me. Callused fingers tangled gently with mine. "I'm here. I'm here if you need me."

I couldn't help myself, I turned around, buried my face in his shoulder. He smelled clean, felt safe, secure.

"That's it, love," he said softly, tucking me into him. "I have you."

I heard Ben say, "We'll talk inside. Good to see you again, Kieran." Then two sets of footsteps, the front door closing firmly. Immediately after, Diane's watery soprano, Ben's stony bass.

Kieran and I stood there for a minute, his hand trailing gently up and down my spine, me trying to find air, trying to find the courage to let him go, Tad's words and Diane's pain echoing in my head. Finally, I stepped back.

"Are you OK?" he asked gently. "That was a lot."

I couldn't hold back one wild yelp of a laugh. "Well, I clearly can't live here anymore."

"Come live with me," he blurted, then shook his head. "I mean, not in the studio. It's a shithole. We can rent somewhere together. With my prize money and what you saved up, we can get a really nice place around here."

For a second, I let myself into his vision. Somewhere warm and cozy for just the two of us. Battered pans and soft rugs, laughter and lovemaking. But a home with him would mean losing everything I had outside of it. "Kieran," I said, my voice strained. He was caramel sweet, and I was about to burn him.

He pressed his lips to my forehead, then said, "I love you, Ellie. All I want is to be with you."

I moved away from his warmth, his lips a benediction I didn't deserve. "I can't keep doing this. I'm sorry." The word was a dried-out husk by now, but it was all I had. "I'm so sorry, Kieran."

His mouth suddenly turned down. "Is it because I'm not good enough for you?"

My head jerked up. " No . Why would you say that?"

"If I were good enough for you," he said, speaking faster and faster, "like Max was, you'd want to move in with me right this second. Is that why you asked to keep it light? Because you didn't think I could handle more? That I would fuck it up, somehow?"

I couldn't listen to him attack himself. "You're good enough! You're wonderful and funny and sweet. It's me. I just can't."

His mouth opened, closed. Went thin. "You can't ? Or you won't ?"

Why was he acting like I had a choice? "Tad said that being with you would mean people would take me less seriously. I need my work, Kieran. I can't get distracted."

A black, bitter laugh. "So I'm a distraction now?"

His words made me feel like I was climbing up a cliff, and every handhold I reached for was crumbling. "Kieran, this thing," I started carefully.

"The thing where I worship you and want to marry you someday?" he snapped, the love and the anger clashing in his voice.

"It's so new," I blurted. "I had a whole life before you. I can't just rip everything up on a whim."

He pulled at his hair. "Honest to God, I don't know if being a distraction or a whim is worse." The words rushed out of him in a furious cascade. "Sorry to break it to you, Ellie Wasserman, but your life? It fucking sucks. But you like it that way, because at least it means you know what's going to happen. You'll keep writing books for Tad and he'll pat you on the head. Your in-laws will keep clinging to you like you're a fucking life raft. And you'll sit in this cute little place and never, ever leave."

I reached for my throat, like he was strangling me. "That's not true."

"It is. You want to be in control more than you want to be happy." He turned and stomped down the front path toward the sidewalk.

"Wait," I called, suddenly frantic. Neither of us was thinking clearly, and maybe there was a solution I couldn't see. "Can we take a breath? Maybe we can figure out something else?" Anything else that would mean I wouldn't lose sunlight and joy and all the other good things he brought me.

He threw his hands in the air. "Fuck breathing!" he yelled. "I'm not going to wait for you to come up with some kind of complicated solution that ties us both in knots. Either you love me, or you don't."

I gaped, words like stones in my throat, unsayable.

He shook his head and growled, "I'm going. Don't follow me."

I pressed my hand to my chest. "But you said you'd stay." The stones turned jagged, cutting me open, filling my voice with tears.

Kieran's voice was a cold wasteland. "Well, I guess you're not the only one who can't ."

Then he left me, and I was alone. Totally alone.