Chapter Twenty-Four

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Ellie

The next morning, I woke up to Kieran staring at me like I'd invented both sliced bread and strawberry ice cream. "Happy birthday," he whispered.

"Thanks. What time is it?" I said, reaching for my phone.

He leaned over and grabbed my hand. "Early enough that we have time to celebrate here before you have to go to Berkeley."

"You're not coming to the shoot?"

He shook his head. "Later. Cameron asked me to pick up some special olive oil."

That was strange, and he wasn't making eye contact, but OK. "So, what are we doing to celebrate?"

He grinned, and fuck, he was whatever the male equivalent of a siren was. "Well, I thought you could start the day with an orgasm. Then I was going to make you breakfast, and clean up afterward."

"What did I do to deserve you?" The question flew out of my mouth, and something flashed through his silver-green eyes. Something that couldn't have been yearning, because that wasn't an emotion he experienced.

Then his big smile came back. "Be the sexiest thirty-one-year-old I've ever seen." He brushed a kiss over my lips. "Stay here. Don't touch anything."

I CAME INTO the studio humming, my mood all sunshine and oxytocin. Part of me was still lying on Kieran's bed, his body stretched out along mine. He'd mouthed greedy kisses across my shoulders and chest while his fingers slipped and slid between my thighs. His praise at how hot and wet I'd been still echoed in my ears, and after I'd come, he'd shoved his fingers in his mouth and moaned, eyes closed. After that exquisitely horny display, what could I do except push him onto his back and return the favor?

At eleven, Nicole insisted on driving me all the way to San Leandro to buy coffee and donuts from her new favorite bakery. When we got back to the shoot, Kieran and Cameron's heads were down in the kitchen, with Kieran clearly in charge. I sniffed the air. Garlic, parsley, and white wine? "Which recipe is this?"

Kieran looked up and winked, and Nicole jumped up and down and waved her arms. "Don't look over there, look over here."

"I call shenanigans," I said.

She handed me a flute of cava that Rocío had poured. "Gold star for you. Now, go sit in the corner like a good birthday girl. Lunch will be ready soon."

I followed her orders, because goodness knows I didn't know how to be a birthday girl. I had some faint memories of a few candles burning on a marbled bundt cake, my Bubbie and Zayde singing. But when my parents moved me to LA, Mom declared, "Big kids don't need birthday parties." After years of my birthday being the day when she would hand me a desultory twenty-dollar bill, it felt silly to make a big deal out of it. Or any deal at all.

But I wasn't making a big deal out of it. Nicole and Kieran were, so maybe the best thing I could do was just be there with them. Maybe, just maybe, let myself enjoy it.

I leaned back in my chair, sipped my sparkling wine, and watched with a little bit of awe as Rocío and Nicole bustled around like the mice in Cinderella . A pristine light-blue tablecloth appeared on the table, and Rocío broke out a full set of gold-painted china and what looked like crystal glasses.

We sat down to my dream feast. Fat scarlet-and-white prawns swam in a sea of garlic, butter, and parsley, surrounded by thick slices of crisp sourdough toast. They'd made a huge tomato salad with soft herbs and chunks of avocado, and put out dishes of little green olives. Nicole poured glasses of lemony white wine like it was water.

"I think all the vampires in a ten-mile radius just keeled over," Nicole said after a bite of the scampi. "I hope no one was planning to kiss anyone today."

My eyes found Kieran's, and he wiggled his eyebrows at me. I coughed and said, "It's fantastic. Thank you, everyone."

Warmth filled every part of me, not just from the sunlight outside. As Tad let off a belly laugh at one of Cameron's jokes, and Kieran listened closely as Rocío told him a wild story about a shoot gone horribly wrong, I felt at peace. Good food, good people. What more could I need?

Tad stood up with his glass of sauvignon blanc, his cheeks flushed. "Here's to the most talented ghostwriter."

"Cowriter," Kieran chimed in.

"Hear, hear!" Cameron said.

Nicole got up and grabbed her camera. "I want to record this for posterity."

"But we're tipsy in the middle of the day, at work!" I said. "We shouldn't save evidence of this!"

"Come on, lady. I haven't seen you this relaxed in forever."

She wasn't wrong.

Kieran

I needed to get those photographs from Nicole, because my memory wasn't going to do Ellie justice. She was so pretty it hurt, with her flushed round cheeks and her blue eyes sparkling. And if I didn't find something else to do, I was going to kiss her in front of everyone, then push her out the door so we could repeat this morning. She was pure fire in my bed, and every time she snuck out before I woke up, winter came.

"Oh my God, there's dessert, too?" she said when I brought out the cake stand and Cameron lined up plates.

"Peanut butter cake with toasted crushed peanuts and salted caramel frosting," Rocío said.

"My favorites! How did you know?" Ellie asked me.

I nodded to Nicole. "People know you better than you think."

When Ellie took her first bite, she moaned softly, and I should just feed her all the time. But instead of getting turned on, I had to say something before Business Ellie came back online. I've been on TV in front of millions of people, and never felt so scared as when I stood up in front of this tiny audience.

I held up my glass of Sprite and said, "I've never done a toast before, so you'll need to bear with me."

Ellie flushed bright red, but Tad said, "Go ahead, Kieran."

"Six months ago, I thought Ellie was a special punishment sent down from whatever power that's up there. So organized. So efficient. I was like Animal from the Muppets in comparison."

My eyes flicked from face to face. Rocío's and Cameron's were open, listening. Nicole had a tiny Mona Lisa smile, while Tad's brow creased. Shit, maybe this wasn't such a hot idea, but too late now. "On my worst day," I said, "I thought she was basically a robot. But she's not." Ben's word flickered across my mind. "She's a queen."

Ellie's denim-blue eyes went big. She was fidgeting, but I needed her to know that I saw her, that she deserved to be seen.

"She's tough and demanding. But she's also warm, and passionate, and she wants everyone to have their best lives. I've never seen anyone care like that about other people. She makes you want to do the right thing, just to make her happy."

I felt my skin go red to match Ellie's, but I kept going.

"I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have her on my team. So here's to you, Queen Ellie. Thanks for putting up with my shenanigans. Happy birthday."

Ellie

Thirty seconds after Kieran finished his speech, my phone buzzed.

Did Kieran just declare his love in front of all of us? Nicole's text said.

He was talking about work, I typed.

Nicole shook her head. That's not the kind of speech you make to a coworker.

We're friends. Not that I knew what that meant anymore. Not when he'd learned everything I liked and made this beautiful meal. Not when I felt drawn to him whenever we were in the same room, seeking his laugh and his smile. Not when I missed his skin when I went to bed alone.

If this was friendship, I needed to rewrite the dictionary definition. Or I had to forget about it entirely, because he didn't do commitment. He'd said so.

"All good?" Kieran said quietly as he sat down next to me.

"Yes." I shoved my phone away. "Thank you for saying all of those nice things."

He smiled. "I wouldn't have said them if they weren't true."

Conversation continued around me, and my head was full of questions, and Nicole was staring at me like I'd just told her the sky was green and she was reconsidering my sanity. I needed to figure this out, now. When Kieran hopped up and excused himself, I counted to sixty and went through the studio doors after him.

The second he came out of the bathroom, I nudged him around the corner until his back was against the wall, out of sight of the studio. His mouth curled up. "Can't wait to have your wicked way with me?" he asked, his voice half-laugh and half-drawl.

"You just came up with that gorgeous meal with all my favorite things," I stated flatly.

The swagger disappeared and left a shy boy behind. He rubbed the back of his neck. "I mean, I had a lot of help. Nicole knows everything about you."

"But it was your idea," I insisted.

"Yup," he said finally.

"I think we can say at this point that making me a birthday lunch doesn't count as keeping it light?" I said in the understatement of the year.

He slumped. "I guess so." He blew out air, head shaking. "I would say I'm sorry for breaking your rule, but it wouldn't be true."

I was trying to solve the equation of Kieran's feelings and ending up with solutions that seemed like nonsense. But maybe I'd done the first step wrong and carried the error forward. "But you were the one who said you didn't do serious when we were talking about going to your parents,'" I said. "You were the one who went from zero to ‘We should have sex' on the beach in Ventura." My frustration killed my eloquence. "I don't get it," I blurted.

He rubbed a tiny wrinkle in the fabric on my shoulder and smiled a little. "I know you like everything to be tidy."

An urge came out of nowhere to crush my dress in my hands, create a topographic map of creases for him to smooth.

He took my hand. "I didn't get it either. It's messy, how I feel about you." As he spoke, he played with it, tugging gently on my fingers. I resisted the urge to close my eyes. I knew now he liked to do this, to rub my back while he looked at his phone or to trail his fingers up and down my arm when we lay around talking after sex. Touching me focused him, and being touched settled me.

"I wanted you so bad back on the beach," he said carefully. "I wanted to be as close to you as I could. But every other time I've wanted someone, it's just been physical. I couldn't name everything else I was feeling, so I tried to make it just about sex, and of course you shot me down."

"Maybe I was a little harsh."

He half-laughed. "Just a little bit. Only a few flesh wounds. But it gave me a chance to think about it. To sit with the wanting. And after three months I can finally say what wanting you really means." He paused. "I love strawberry ice cream."

I blinked, confused. "Yes, I saw you chugging your In-N-Out milkshakes like you'd spent forty days in the desert. But what does that have to do with feelings?"

He tugged my hand. "No, listen . I mean, I've always ordered it whenever I go to an ice cream store, because I know I like it, even the cheap kind that's like the Ghost of Strawberries Past. Until I met you, I was basically treating my life like strawberry ice cream. I'd found something that I was good at, that I knew worked for me, and just did that, day in, day out. I told myself that this was what it took to be successful, but deep down I was afraid of fucking up, just the same way my parents are terrified of fucking up. I was afraid if I got close to someone, I'd make a mess and disappoint them.

"But now, with you, I want to try the whole ice cream parlor. I want to order, like, a monster sundae with all the crazy flavors I can think of. Blueberry cheesecake and mocha almond fudge and mango sorbet."

It still wasn't adding up. "You want to try new things because of me?"

"I want to be brave, " he said earnestly. "To give my all to everything, even though it might not work out." He swallowed hard. "You're so strong, Ellie, and you believe in me. I want to be worthy of that. Worthy of your faith and your strength."

He went still, and I studied his face. No mischievous spark in his green eyes, no playful twist to his mouth. I heard his hard swallow, his breath finding a new, quicker pace.

I didn't know if I could trust myself right now. I'd been so careful for so long, but with those words, it was like he'd put a newborn chick in my hands.

Romantic love had always meant being the fragile one. That was the role I'd filled for eight years in the story that my husband and then Diane told. Shy, gentle, fair Ellie for powerful, charismatic, dark-eyed Max. I was soft for him and he was strong for me. We completed each other.

Kieran was telling me something different. That I was whole, and so was he, but that together we could create something more than the sum of our parts. A monster sundae, as he'd said in his extremely Kieranish way.

Was I ready for this new kind of love? The kind that demanded more of me?

"Ellie?" Kieran said tentatively from far away. "Is that OK?"

I wouldn't know unless I tried. Unless I took the risk with this sweet man. "Honey," I whispered, and pressed my mouth to his.

He sighed softly into my mouth and all the math I'd been doing disappeared for good. Was that one kiss? Ten? I didn't know anymore—it didn't matter. I pulled him closer until I didn't know where he ended and I began. Something in my chest was cracking open, flowing gold and molten toward him and mixing with his passion for me. "I want you, Kieran," I whispered.

His lips paused on my neck where he'd been tasting me. He put his mouth to my ear. "I want to be yours, Ellie. I want that so bad."

"I'm sorry to interrupt," Tad's not-at-all-sorry, actually-pretty-angry voice said.

Fuck. The flow I'd felt evaporated. There I was, doing exactly what he had told me not to do, like a grade-A sex-drunk idiot. "Tad," I started.

He put his hand up. "Not now. But you know we'll have to discuss this as soon as possible."

I felt myself shrinking to the size of a bug, Tad's admonishing hand about to crush me. "I'm sorry," I said, my voice miniscule.

Kieran looked between us, his face going red. "Don't get mad at her," he snapped at Tad. "Get mad at me. I'm the one who fell first. It was all my idea, right, Ellie?"

Fell first . That was what this felt like, plummeting through the air like I'd chosen to skydive without a parachute because I thought I could fly for some ridiculous reason, and now I was about to slam into cold, hard dirt.

I shook my head at Kieran. Thank God, he clamped his mouth closed, though his glare could have set Tad on fire.

Tad sighed. "I'm going back to the office now. I'll be in touch, Ellie." His footsteps down the stairs were a Morse code of condemnation, punctuated with the final heavy slam of the metal outside door.

"What the fuck was that?" Kieran exploded. "Who died and made him Darth Vader? We're consenting adults. He doesn't have the right."

My voice was dull rock against his fire. "Except he does."

Kieran's hands were suddenly heavy on my shoulders. "Ellie, I'm so sorry. I'll talk to him with you. I'll explain everything."

I shook my head. "I need to handle this on my own."

He squeezed. "But you don't have to. I want to help. I want to be there for you."

I hugged him, and his arms went tight around me. I needed this last little taste of warmth and comfort before going back out into the cold. "Thank you," I said finally. "I mean that. But this is between him and me."

"Are you sure?"

Absolutely not. But I had to pull away anyway, ignore the tenderness and the fear in his expression. "Yes. I'm sure," I said, lying as reassuringly as I could.