Chapter 18

T hree days had passed since waking up in the Arrowhead pack's home. I'd taken up residence in the heat house, and much to my relief, they worked out a schedule to only visit during mealtimes.

I'd initially assumed I could bounce back to work after healing but then realized I was still coping with the trauma of what happened. Any knock at the door startled me more than it should have.

I hated Noah for taking away my sense of security. Having him out of my life wasn't enough as long as he lived in my head. Salem's sleeping pills helped, but as Archer warned, they left an unpleasant aftertaste. I decided to skip them tonight, now that I was feeling settled in.

I didn't shut myself up in the heat house the entire three days. Sometimes I sat on the deck with the girls, watching the horse run in the field or listening to music while they harvested vegetables.

The rain was keeping me inside most of the day, and I'd never been so acutely aware of the passage of time as in a cabin with no clocks. Rain beat on the skylights, and I was happy to report back to Hope that there were no leaks. The temperature in the cabin stayed comfortable, depending on how I set the thermostat, but these weren't my things. These weren't my clothes. This wasn't my house.

A visitor rapped their knuckles on the door, and it wasn't even close to dinner.

"It's Archer," he said from outside. "I just wanted to check on you."

He was my first male visitor. I'd thought Tak or even Lakota might stop in to visit, but only the women had.

Upon opening the door, I greeted a very wet Archer. Droplets of water glistened on his hair, face, and lips. His white T-shirt was soaked through, and his sweats had raindrops dotting the heather-grey fabric.

"Hope I didn't scare you," he said.

"Come in. Hurry." Before I shut the door, I glanced up and realized the front door could use an overhang.

He kicked off his shoes. "Sorry to bother you, but I wanted to check in to see if you need anything."

I hurried to the bathroom and grabbed a towel from beneath the sink.

"This rain is something else," he said loudly.

Returning to the kitchen area, I handed him the towel to dry off.

"Thanks." He rubbed it over his wet hair first, messing it up before patting his neck and shirt.

"Here, let me." I took the towel and wiped his right arm.

"How's your wrist?"

I draped the wet towel over one of the chairs. "Better. I don't have the wrap on anymore."

"I noticed." He grabbed something on the counter and handed me a large canister filled with suckers. "I brought you these. Thought you might be getting tired of potato chips. "

"This is sweet. Literally." I accepted the suckers and set them on the table. "I can never get tired of chips. Do you want to sit?"

Archer pulled out a chair and sat across from me. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. "Better. Perhaps a little stir-crazy from the rain."

"You're welcome to come in the house anytime you want. You know that, right?"

"I guess I'm just not comfortable yet."

"At least come for dinner. Tak thinks you need to be left alone, and maybe he's right. But I feel weird sitting up there at dinner and thinking about you eating in here by yourself." He leaned back and stared at his lap. "You can even raid the fridge between meals if you want. Nobody cares."

"It's not my kitchen."

Archer glanced up at the wall to my right. "I see you've got another vision board going."

"The girls brought magazines," I said, cringing when I thought about the scraps littered on the sofa behind me. "They said it was okay for me to cut them up."

Archer smiled handsomely. "You don't have to explain anything to me. This is your space. Do whatever you want." He stared at the board. "I like seeing you dream again. It makes me wonder what I'm doing with my life."

Thunder rumbled overhead, and the rain beat down harder on the roof.

"I love the rain." Archer hooked his arm over the back of the chair, his white T-shirt saturated. "Everyone in the house is all boo-hoo that they're stuck inside, but rain makes people come together. They're playing board games and talking about setting up the game room with a pool table. Some of us are finishing side projects, and we even had a dance party you missed out on."

I laughed softly. "I can't dance."

"Sure you can. Everyone can dance. Except me." He raised his left upper shoulder. "I can't lead, and women sure as hell don't want to hold on to this." Archer looked around nervously. "Your hair looks pretty."

I felt the woven locks behind my head. "Thanks. Melody did it this morning during breakfast. Do you think it's better this way?"

"I like it however you want to wear it."

A maelstrom of emotions came over me when he said that, and I rested my elbows on the table so I could shield my face. "I used to wear it up a lot, but Noah always wanted me wearing it in a ponytail. I keep looking at pieces of my life, trying to figure out what's me and what's him."

Archer heaved a sigh and rested his arm on the table. "Milly said it wasn't the first time you'd seen her."

"No."

Archer rubbed his face, and I recognized anger, which made me ease back. When he caught my reaction, he leaned back too. "You said the first time he hit you was a couple of months ago. Is that what happened that night we met? I've been wondering why you were in his car and where you were going. You said you were just passing through."

I played with the drawstring on my sweatpants. "We had a fight about laundry, of all things. He came home drunk, and the clothes were still in the hamper. That time was different. I talked back to him, and he hit me. Not a punch, just a slap."

"Just." Archer scoffed.

"Normally I might have gone straight to bed or slept on the couch, but…"

He frowned and locked those honey-brown eyes on me. "But what?" Then he nodded. "It's because you were going into heat."

"It's not just that." I shook my head. "I can't say."

Archer extended his arm across the table. "You can trust me, Cici. I know it sounds crazy because we hardly know each other, but I swear you can trust me. Nothing you say will leave this room. I'm not forcing you to tell me. Maybe you can talk to Hope."

"No." I rested my chin in my palms. "I'm just scared to talk about it. Noah warned me that people will kidnap me if they find out."

He stared at his extended hand. "I'll never let any man hurt you again. I promise you that."

And for whatever reason, I trusted him. Maybe my spirit animal was awake in there and guiding me with her instincts, but Archer had never given me a reason not to trust him.

I drew in a breath. "If you breathe a word of this to anyone—if you betray me, I'll leave. You can't force me to stay here."

Archer retracted his hand. "On my honor, what little there is of it, I'll never break your trust. If I do, you can cut off my other arm."

I jerked back. "Don't say such a thing. I'd never wish anything so cruel."

Thunder rumbled, shaking the dishes in the overhead cabinets.

This was a leap of faith, so I crossed my fingers and hoped my instincts about Archer were better than with Noah. "The first year Noah and I were together, I went into heat. We had sex once, but since he didn't want kids, he avoided me until it was over. It's not a sure thing if you just do it once, so I didn't think anything when I didn't get pregnant. The next year when I went into heat, he couldn't control himself. He wanted me constantly, and I couldn't resist. You know how it is." I chewed my lip, feeling my cheeks heat with embarrassment. "I didn't get pregnant that time either. When we moved here, Noah took me to see Milly since she was the only female Relic in the area. She ran some tests and found out that I can't have children. I still go into heat, but the eggs aren't viable. She did some advanced testing that I didn't understand and said my condition wasn't common."

Archer got up and walked around the table. When he knelt, he touched my arm. "I'm so sorry," he said in earnest, his eyes on mine. "I'm sorry you can't have children."

My lip quivered unexpectedly. I'd come to accept the hard truth, but no one had ever offered me their condolences. All I could do was shrug.

He finally got up and entered the kitchen, but I caught him wiping his eye.

Probably just an eyelash or the rain , I thought.

Waving two packages, he said, "Aha. I found cocoa. Do you like cocoa?"

"Who doesn't?"

"Why don't you sit on the couch and I'll bring you a cup? Cocoa makes everything better."

The chair was killing my back anyhow, so I padded over to the grey sectional and curled up in the corner where they adjoined.

After a few beeps of the microwave, Archer returned with a cup and then sat across from me on the chaise sofa at the other end.

I sipped the hot drink, thinking how Noah had always crowded me and was in my face. At least until he decided to cut off his affections and ignore me. It was nice how Archer gave me space and hadn't talked over me when I was telling the story.

I set my mug in my lap. "The night you and I met, I felt my heat cycle coming on. That's when I took the keys to his car and sped off before he could pick up my scent. The plan was to leave him. I packed a small bag and imagined myself driving all the way to Vegas. But how far could no money and less than a quarter tank of gas get me? So I drove in circles and then parked for a while."

"Why didn't you go back home? "

"I was afraid… I was afraid that I would want him—that my body would want him—and I wouldn't be able to resist. That would have been unimaginable. For me to have sex with him after he hit me—that would betray my own feelings. Heat makes you do crazy things. That's the reason I left."

With his arm propped on the back pillow cushion and his head in his hand, Archer nodded, probably remembering the events of that night and putting the pieces together. "We were both drunk in different ways."

After sipping the cocoa, I said, "No mate will ever trust me after I tell him that story. He'll always be paranoid that I'll cheat because of my hormones, but that's not the only reason I slept with you." I waited until Archer looked into my eyes to finish. "I wanted to know what it would be like with another man. Noah drove me away that night, and I wondered if someone else could treat me better."

"Someone will," he said, inviting no argument.

"I went back to him because there was nowhere to go and because I loved him," I admitted. "But mostly because I'm afraid of all the terrible things that could happen if anyone finds out I can't get pregnant while in heat."

Archer leaned in like he was about to deliver bad news. "It's true. You need to keep that a secret. Some women have trouble carrying the pregnancy to term, but I've rarely heard of a Shifter being infertile and still going through heat. I'm not even sure I'd tell the girls, Cici. There are evil people out there who… well, I guess Noah probably scared you enough. I'm not using that to hold you here, though. Wherever you go in life, just guard yourself."

I nodded, appreciating his candor.

While rubbing his eye, he said, "I feel like a shithead."

"Why? "

"Because I should have sensed something was wrong that night. I should have asked if you were okay."

"We were strangers." My gaze lowered to the chocolate inside my cup. "It wouldn't have made a difference."

The room darkened, and he got up to switch on the corner lamp before glancing at my drink. "Do you want me to reheat that?"

"No, it's fine," I said, my hands cupped around the warm mug.

Then he cursed when he saw the wet spot he'd left on the sofa from his clothes. "Sorry."

"There's a T-shirt in the bedroom if you want to switch out. It's oversized, so it'll probably fit. Melody gave me one of Lakota's since I like to sleep in T-shirts."

When Archer disappeared into the bedroom, I finished the rest of my cocoa and listened to the rain beating against the roof. It felt good to clear the air about that night. I had always wondered what happened to Archer and couldn't believe the fates led me here.

Archer emerged from the bedroom, and as he swaggered across the room, a laugh burst out of my mouth.

"You don't like it?" He did a slow turn, showing off a pink shirt that said Girl Power on the front. The fabric hugged his body and was short enough to reveal his cut abs.

Still laughing, I said, "That's not the shirt I was talking about."

"Yeah, but I didn't want to take your sleep shirt. I left mine hanging on the shower rod, so I'll get it later. Or better yet, you can bring it inside tonight when you have dinner with us." He peeked into my cup and then held out his hand. "Want more?"

"No, I'm good. Thanks."

"Are you cold? I can get you a blanket while I'm up."

"You might need it more than me. "

He strode into the kitchen. "Ah. Sassing me, are you? I think I might wear this the rest of the day just to taunt Mel."

Still curled up, I clutched a pink pillow against my chest and watched Archer rinsing out the cup. The bruise on my eye was mostly gone thanks to being Breed. Had I been able to shift, I wouldn't have had to deal with the healing process. Perhaps it was better to see it—to be reminded that Noah would never change. You don't love with a fist.

The water cut off, and Archer returned. Instead of sitting next to me, he sat on the attached chaise cushion. "You said earlier that you didn't think any man would want you because you cheated. But you're not seeing the truth—Noah betrayed you first. Infidelity for sure, but the way he treated you, the way he hurt you—he walked away from the relationship long before you did."

Pain squeezed my heart like talons. "I'm lying in this heat house, staring up at the skylights and wondering what my life means." My voice quavered. "I don't have any skills, any natural talents, and I can't have children. What do I have to offer the world?" My breath hitched, and I wiped my nose on my shirt.

Archer got up and knelt before me. "That's not you talking; that's him. Don't you get it? He was trying to erase you. Can't you see how special you are? How you make people feel when they're around you?"

"My father spoiled me."

"Who told you that?" Archer shook his head. "Your father loved you. That's not the same thing. Spoiling is when you ruin something, and you are not ruined. If anyone's ruined in this scenario, it's me."

Sensing he was keeping his distance on purpose, I slid my hand toward him.

Archer touched my fingertips with tenderness and reverence. "There's something that's been bugging the hell out of me. When you and I were walking down Juniper Road, before Noah showed up, I wondered why you didn't ask me about my arm. Remember?"

I nodded, recalling the conversation with perfect clarity.

Still stroking my fingertips, he said, "You told me that wasn't the biggest question you had on your mind. What was?"

After a deep breath, I decided to hang my embarrassment up on the clothesline for everyone to see and just ask him a burning question that had been plaguing my thoughts.

Oh no. You're not going to ask him that question, are you? Don't you do it! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

I searched his beautiful eyes, the pale brown so captivating that I could easily get lost in them. "Was I any good?"

His jaw slackened.

"Compared to other women, I mean."

" Girl… "

"Tell me the truth. Noah always wanted me to just lie there, and… I never felt like myself. I never felt free to do or say what I wanted. I've never had any other partners. With you, it was the first time I felt like I wasn't doing it solely for another person. And maybe it was all wrong and not what men like—especially wolves—but I just want to know, without all the niceties, if you thought I was good."

Archer's cheeks flushed, and he let go of my fingers, eyes downcast as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, Cici. You were good. You were the best." He flicked his eyes up. "Of all the women. Ever. You were… everything I needed. And now that this conversation has skyrocketed all the way to awkward, I better leave so you can work on that vision board or watch TV." He stood and chuckled at the short length of his shirt. "I'll save you a seat at the dinner table."