Chapter 39

T he waters calmed as we sailed on into nightfall. The rowers took shifts, propelling the fleet forward. When the moon was at its zenith, the three remaining command ships rafted together and I summoned our council to the chartroom.

"We need to choose a ship to take Xenophron's command," I said, sitting at a small, dusty table. The air was damp and musty with the stench of seawater and open wounds. A bead of sweat dripped from my nose as I sat, taking in the reported damage from my council. Our glasses of whiskey clinked back and forth against the ballast tabletop, sliding side to side with each soft rocking of swells.

"My men can fill the position. Most are sharp with their bows," Lytos said from across the chartroom.

Aryx's eyes sharpened and he rose in dispute.

"Lytos, you can't be serious. You have a wife and child at home. I only agreed to bring you aboard in the promise that you'd remain in the second wave of our fleet. Now you're suggesting you join the front lines?! Absolutely not," he growled.

"It's not up for debate." Lytos, too, rose from his seat. "My unit has the highest marks in archery. I trained them myself. There's no one else."

"Do not make me say it again." The aura around the half-god grew as dark as the chill in his voice was cold.

Lytos's throat bobbed, unsure if he should push his brother further. "It's the right thing to do, brother. You know it is. There's no one better suited to lead a crew of archers."

"That's enough," I demanded, slamming my fist on the table to break the thickening tension. "Lytos, I can't ask that of you. Think of Margerie and Judas. If you were to be hurt, or worse, killed, how could Aryx or I face them again? Don't take a father away from his son. He needs you. I think we all can agree on that."

Aryx nodded at my resolution. Inhaling deeply, he returned to his seat, his palms twitching as the meeting carried on. For the rest of the meeting, Lytos paced the narrow hall between the chartroom and gangway, his mouth in a silent, thin line.

"My Queen, my unit has plenty of seasoned soldiers handy with a bow. We will take Xenophron's place," an aging general chimed in, her long greying braid trailed down the length of her spine.

"Thank you Hermia. Balakros can debrief you before you retire to your ship," I said, glancing at the silently weeping general.

"Yes, My Queen," he whispered through sobs. I looked into his eyes. They were dark and glazed from the hours of grieving since his brother's death.

An all too familiar pang of guilt struck at my chest, but I shoved it aside. I couldn't afford to fall apart in front of my people. They were expecting resilience. They needed stern, emotionless strength.

I stroked Arcturas's pelt as she slept beneath me. Her fur was cool against the sweltering, damp draft below decks.

"Now, Rah has told me we're about three days out from Elder's Island. I'm hoping it will be an easy passage, but we can't become complacent. Everyone has to be on high alert constantly. I don't trust the calmness of these waters."

"I'll collect a headcount of wounded or dead within our fleet," Aryx said from his seat beside me. "We'll have a better idea of what we're going into this with."

"Thank you. Send the report back to me when you're done." I stood from my seat, nearly toppling over as a large swell rocked the hull leeward.

We continued planning until the late hours of the morning. My council, yawning and exhausted, finally retired to their ships. The morning would arrive too soon, and with it, another day exposed to whatever lurked in these open waters.

The air was too hot, too sticky down below. I needed the fresh breeze to soothe my pounding head.

Quietly climbing topside, I stretched my sore muscles on the aft deck and threw the oarsman a quick greeting.

The stars above us speckled across the sky, and in the utter darkness of the open ocean, their light burned brightly upon my face.

I took a deep breath, inhaling the midnight air laced with salt. I thought about my father, and the secret love he fought so hard for. It must have been excruciating acting as king in the mortal realm, while your mind frequently drifted to the gossamer realm of the gods. He played his role so well, so carefully, I'd never even suspected he had been unfaithful to his queen. How I wished he could be here now, advising me in the games of war. I leaned against the railing, holding my head in my hands.

And what of my mother? Or should I say mothers? I knew Queen Signe wouldn't approve of my fight for freedom. She followed the rules, stuck to the protocol. Justice, for her, was plain as day. Putting full trust into the palm of the politician, she'd demand I return to my prison. Although, my home in the Northern City was equally a prison as that hundred story tower. It had been the chains that bound me. I hoped that maybe one day it would be the key that freed me.

And what of Polaris, with her wild black hair and ever flowing robes? She, the embodiment of night, accepted the freedom of the galaxies, the darkness of space, the lack thereof of light. She tamed the beasts that howled at a silvery moon, while not keeping them leashed.

I wished we had more time. I wanted to know her, to learn about myself. Something had always been missing, and I hadn't realized until now, standing beneath the stretch of endless stars, that it was her. Everything fit together in a puzzle of clarity when I accepted who I was.

Although a complete stranger, I wanted to make her proud. I wasn't so sure, given my recent choices, that she would be.

I threw my hands over the railing and stared at the dark navy swells gently rising and falling as we skimmed across the sea-surface. Overcome with nausea, I watched crashes of sea foam recede into the next wave, trying to soothe my tired mind.

"Are you okay?" Aryx asked from the shadows behind me.

"Oh…I thought you went back to your ship." I turned to face him.

Moonlight refracted in those golden eyes and washed over his face, illuminating the arches of his cheekbones. His hair, draped at his shoulders, was nearly iridescent in the star beams. This, I decided, was my favorite version of him.

"I wanted to see if you were alright after what happened today." He leaned beside me, watching the small swells lap against the waterline.

"I'm fine," I said, although, truly, I wasn't. I couldn't think of a time I was more not fine than now.

"It's okay if you're not around me. I know the others are looking to follow your lead, but you don't have to keep your walls up. Not with me."

"Aryx, I…" I brushed my pinky finger against his, craving the warmth of his skin. "I'm sorry."

"I know," he said.

"I thought I lost you today."

"You didn't. That's all that matters." His pinky returned the touch.

"I'm sorry… for everything," I croaked, suddenly overwhelmed by guilt. By pain. By hurt. The isolation was too much to bear. Its weight felt as if my ribs would fold in on themselves.

I couldn't stay afloat in the ever rising tide of this reality. If I held myself together for one more second, I would combust- imploding into the one thing I feared more than myself. The demon ran her claws down the back of my spine, begging for release.

"Me too. It was too much to expect from you. All your life you've been imprisoned. You've had your choices made for you. I just thought that maybe, in the end, you'd choose me." His voice trailed off.

We were quiet for a while, letting the ripple of water fill the silent void between us.

"I have to choose myself."

"I understand," he said, pulling his pinky away. "Well, it's late. You should get your rest. Gods know what tomorrow might bring." He started toward the wooden gangway between our ships.

The place where his hand had been grew cold. I didn't want him to go. More than that, I didn't want to be alone.

"Wait," I said, catching him before he took another step. "Stay."

His back straightened.

"Please don't go," I whispered, reaching for his hand.

"Ell…" He turned to face me with an expression like a blade through my chest.

Before he could argue, I lunged for him, my lips meeting his with a frantic need. Of everything in the world, all I wanted, all I needed, was to fall into him and escape for a while.

Even if only for a second.

Throwing my arms around his neck, I pressed myself closer. The space between us faded away. For a moment, I believed maybe we were okay. Maybe nothing had changed.

He responded with equal voracity, running his trembling hands up my arms, across my collarbones, tracing the curve of my body with his fingertips. The taste of salt was bitter on my tongue. Tears streamed from my eyes. For a glimpse, I let go.

With shaking hands, he unbuttoned my tunic, letting the fabric slide down my arms, raising the hair on the back of my neck.

"I missed you," he said, his words scattered between a trail of kisses. "I missed this."

"Please, stay. Stay with me." My voice wasn't my own, breathless and ragged.

He watched me watching him. I wanted to be the fabric against his body, draped over every inch of him. The thin material licked up his skin as he pulled it from his shoulders. In the night's paleness, his body was electric. Shadows painted around solid muscle, highlighting each solid crease and curve.

The second his tunic hit the deck, I pounced. My lips burned against his as the jolt of energy hummed between us. Our bodies buzzed with the power now flooding in. Aryx's hands made their way down the curve of my hips, leaving agonizing anticipation on their trail.

"Elpis, I need you to hear me," he whispered, his breath warm and sweet against my ear.

"Don't talk. Just be here with me," I murmured.

"Please, I-"

My touch cut him off. I knew what he was about to say, and I refused to unleash it into the world. It would change everything. This feeling, once a simple spark between two strangers in a tavern, had roared to life within me. I couldn't, and wouldn't, let it breathe the night air.

My hands trembled as I unlaced his trousers. Closing the space between us, he combed his hands through my hair, smoothing back the disheveled strands.

"Hear this. Please," he whispered, his eyes now smoldering infernos in the night.

"I don't want to," I cried, continuing with the leather lacing.

He reached for my hands, closing his palms around mine.

"Elpis. Look at me."

I couldn't. I knew that if I did, I'd surrender entirely to him.

"Elpis. Look at me," he said again, tipping my chin up.

Slowly, I raised my gaze, praying to the gods for strength. In this moment of total vulnerability, I'd need more than self will. He clenched his jaw and struggled to form the syllables on the back of his tongue. His internal battleground sketched vividly in each perfect line across his brow. I sucked in a breath, watching as the hardened facade of war faded from his features.

"I love you," he whispered, the words a delicate sound on the ocean breeze.

I froze. His words felt like tendrils of night wrapping around me, cracking my chest wide open. He'd acknowledged it, brought it into existence without my consent. How could he give me his heart? I would surely destroy- if I hadn't already.

"Say something," he begged.

"I-" I trailed off.

I couldn't admit what I'd known all along. When the time finally came for the truth of my bargain to surface, I hoped to the gods that I wouldn't be alive to see his heartbreak. He trusted me with everything, with love. I couldn't face that. I wouldn't. How could he do this to me?

Anger reared its ugly head. I couldn't contain the rage now boiling over. Feeling my fingernails dig into the tender flesh of my palms, I stepped back.

Aryx followed my step, pleading for a response. A cold sweat of panic glistened his brow as he watched me transform into the demon I tried so hard to subdue.

"Don't," I snipped, pushing him away.

"Elpis. You needed to know. At any second, either of us could be killed. I needed to tell you before I-" His voice cracked. A sharp contrast from the unwavering soldier he'd been merely hours earlier.

"Don't do that, Aryx. Please. I'm begging you," I cried, feeling the heat of my tears trickle off my chin.

"I love you. I know you love me too. We're fated to be together. I could feel it the moment I met you."

"No, we're not. We're not lovers, we're not friends. We are allies, working toward a common goal. Fighting a common enemy. That is all," I hissed, throwing his hands away from mine.

The softness in his eyes froze, leaving a shadowy darkness I'd seen only once before. I sucked in a breath. Maybe I'd let my rage get the better of me.

"Do you fuck all of your allies, then?" His voice was bitter, like a frigid whip through my chest.

"Forget it," he said, turning on his heels.

I watched him, my vision red with rage, as he unlatched the gangway. The shrieks of the pullies sent violent chills down my spine. The planks lowered, joining our two ships.

"I've done some terrible things in my life, Elpis. I've lied, betrayed, manipulated even, but nothing compares to what you've done. Maybe I was wrong about you." His voice was harsh, each consonant a bite from a vicious tongue.

"You are a monster, and there's nothing that will ever change that."

With those final words, he disappeared into the night, returning to his sleeping crew.

My legs felt as if they were bags of sand spilling their grains across the bleached pine decking. Aryx's words still echoed in my head, like a swarm of wasps stinging the gray matter of my brain over and over and over again .