Chapter Nineteen

March–April 2009

Mandy hated the smell of Theo's apartment. It wasn't that it was dirty—although it was always a mess—but whatever his cleaning person used, because yes, he had a cleaning person, the scent seemed to linger. It was sour and floral, and those just did not go together.

"I have so much stuff I have to get done today," Theo whispered in Mandy's ear as they snuggled in his bed. As he kissed Mandy's neck and ran his hand up her shirt, she tried not to focus on the smell. But trying not to focus on it made her focus on it even more, which made making out not as enjoyable.

"Yeah, totally, so do I," she said. It wasn't that he was bad at it; it was just that Mandy wasn't even sure she really liked him all that much, which made her feel guilty, but she was pretty sure Theo was using her too. He was Mandy's attempt at a one-night stand that had lasted a month already. She'd only wanted to let off some steam. To do something that wouldn't be as stressful as school or her internship. It was supposed to be a fun fling. But as the days went on, it became more and more work, and Mandy knew less and less how to end it with him. "Maybe we should put this on pause for another time," she encouraged.

"We totally should." But Theo didn't stop, and to be fair, Mandy wasn't sure she wanted him to. Theo was an escape from all the things she didn't want to think about or do.

In most regards, Theo was a catch. He played water polo and came from what her roommate called "a good family"—meaning his parents were rich—which explained why he had his own apartment and a cleaning person. He was good-looking in the traditional sense, with a sharp jaw and greenish-gray eyes that didn't seem natural but were.

But he liked horror movies, and Mandy liked rom-coms. He enjoyed the club, and Mandy preferred dinner and drinks. He liked to work out, and Mandy hated to sweat. Being with Theo was the first time Mandy didn't try the way she had in all her other relationships. She would steal fries from his plate, and poop in his bathroom, because when it all came down to it, she didn't really care. And yet for some reason, it was working. "I could skip washing my hair, though, you know?" she said.

"Mmmmmhhh," he hummed into her hair and softly bit her neck. "Clean hair is overrated."

She seemed to intrigue Theo more and more. He'd often tell her that he loved that she was different from the other girls he dated and that it was rad that she was so confident, and if Mandy were being completely honest, she started to like these compliments. It had been a long time since someone had said things like that to her. Nice things. Things that didn't make her second-guess herself. And despite the smell of the apartment, his sheets were so soft, and his shower had the best water pressure, and he had his own cappuccino machine in the kitchen. And he always tried to satisfy Mandy.

It wasn't that Mandy didn't like him, she just wasn't sure she was in like with him—which, yes, were totally different things.

Theo's hand slid down Mandy's stomach and then lower, and she melted into him. She did like how he took the lead. How he always wanted to make sure she felt good. And how he liked to make sure she orgasmed first—and often.

"I really do need to get going," he said, but again he didn't stop.

"Uh-huh." Mandy raked her nails gently across his six-pack. "Don't let me keep you." She leaned in and nibbled on his ear.

"Well, maybe I can be late."

"Sounds good to me."

And he kissed her again.

This was them. It was easy and maybe easy was exactly what Mandy needed right then. Maybe she deserved easy for once.

Mandy stood in the art studio, staring at one of the most important projects in her life, trying to decide why it sucked so bad. The scent of turpentine hung heavy in the air like a humid summer day. She had booked the time weeks ago thinking that if she needed the extra hours to put the final touches together, it would be nice, but she wasn't close to final at this point. She didn't even feel like she was halfway done.

If she'd spent more time working and less time at Theo's, she wouldn't be in this position. Not that he had forced her to be there, and not that she didn't want to be. The last couple of weeks had been great. She got him to ask his cleaning person to use a different brand of disinfectant, so his apartment didn't smell so terrible. He even started introducing her to his friends as his girlfriend, and honestly, it wasn't the worst thing in the world. When other girls gave her the what-does-he-see-in-her look, she inwardly celebrated. Because what wouldn't he see in her? Mandy was a great girlfriend. Attentive, loyal, caring. And while she wasn't as tall or as lean, or what society would call "beautiful," Mandy wasn't bad-looking either. She may have been vertically challenged, and her thighs rubbed together when she walked, but she liked herself and wasn't ashamed of her body, even if the beauty magazines told her she should be. She would think back to the thing Isa used to always say to her. "You have to love yourself first." And while Mandy wasn't sure she was there, she felt like she could be on her way, which was a huge leap for her.

But in the art studio now, there was no huge leap to be had. She stood back from the newest piece she was working on to try to get some perspective on it. Even though the room was large, it felt like the walls were closing in on her.

It was the yellow. It was too mustard and not enough canary. Or the green had too much yellow in it, and that was throwing the whole thing off.

She was ready to chuck her brush at the canvas just to see what would happen. Maybe it could help spark some sort of something to make it better. It couldn't possibly make it any worse.

And what's this purple smear down the center? her professor would ask her.

It's the culmination of anger and frustration trying to burst from the canvas, she could explain to him.

No way would that fly. She backed up farther and then walked to the right, then to the left, and back right again.

Thankfully her cell phone stopped her from another trip back and forth. She dropped her brush and picked up the call. "Save me," she muttered into the phone.

"Oh, come on, it can't be that bad," Isa said.

"No. You're right. It's worse," Mandy said. "Take me out of my misery, please."

"Would finalized dates for graduation cheer you up?"

Mandy perked up. "Yes." Isa's actual graduation date had been set for a little while, but the plans around celebrations were still up in the air. "What's going on?"

"So Mom and Abuela are flying in on Thursday the week before, but the party is going to be on Wednesday after the ceremony, not far from the graduation location." She paused. "But really, if you can't make it because of finals or whatever, it's fine."

"You can't get rid of me that easily. I'll be there." Mandy crossed her legs and sank to the floor crisscross-applesauce style. "Are you sure Tally is okay with me staying there? I don't want to—"

"She's totally cool with it. And even if she wasn't, it wouldn't matter. You're staying with us."

It had taken a while for things to get back to "normal" with Isa ever since what happened between the two of them, so hearing that Isa was ready to go to bat for Mandy made her heart swell. For so long she had missed her best friend, and this made Mandy feel like they had finally gotten back to that place they had been before—before Mandy had messed everything up. She could've asked her parents to help pay for a hotel, which they would've done without question, but Mandy was trying harder and harder to be independent. She didn't like going to them unless it was absolutely necessary.

"Well, I'll make dinner one night for us or something—as a way to say thank you."

"Um…that's not really—"

"I'm not my mom, promise. I won't poison you. And spaghetti isn't exactly hard, you know?"

Isa laughed—Mandy still loved that sound, and she relaxed back on her hands, cradling the cell with her shoulder. "Fine. I trust you. But after the ceremony, just in case."

"That's fair," Mandy said, then leaned down a little farther. "I gotta go. I think I figured out what I need to do."

"I knew you would. Chat later."

And they hung up.

If things were completely back to normal, they would tell each other I love you for real , before disconnecting, but Mandy couldn't dwell on that. They had come a long way even if things weren't exactly the same, and it was okay that things were different now, and it was fine to rush off the phone, since she really did see what she needed to do to make her project absolutely perfect.

The place wasn't exactly Mandy's scene, and it wasn't exactly Theo's either, but they had kind of met in the middle. Dinner and dancing were what Theo said to expect. The restaurant was nice, and the first course had been delicious, but Mandy and Theo were the youngest people in the room by at least two decades.

Theo's hand rested casually on Mandy's hip as he glided her around the floor, doing a simple foxtrot. Thank goodness for those dance classes in PE all those years ago, or Mandy would be in big trouble. Everyone in the room could dance circles around them, but no one seemed to mind that they were there—or that they weren't very good. One woman in the bathroom who had been touching up her much-too-pink lipstick had mentioned how it was nice to see young people interested in partner dancing.

Mandy stepped on Theo's foot again. "Sorry."

"You don't need to keep saying that."

"I'll need to buy you new shoes." She'd lost count of the number of times she had stomped on his feet that night. He walked in with shiny black oxfords, and who knew what they would look like when they finished for the evening.

Theo merely laughed. "You could just put your feet on mine and get it over with. I can do the work for the both of us."

Mandy pinched his neck—not too hard. "Very funny."

"Eyes this way, Richard," an adorable woman with gray-blue hair and a sparkling red dress said as she danced past with her partner.

"He's right, you know," Theo said. "You do look stunning tonight."

Heat flooded Mandy's cheeks. She hadn't been sure what to expect, so she played it careful in a simple black dress that showed off some of her better assets. She'd be lying if she said she didn't feel sexy in it, and the way that Theo looked at her made her feel even more so.

Theo had really been growing on Mandy. What they had was far from perfect, but none of her relationships had been, so what else was new? He had bought her a special pillow to hide behind when they watched scary movies, and he would very carefully describe the scene she was missing. He even started watching more rom-coms with her—admitting openly that they "weren't actually that bad." And then there were things like tonight. He had been trying more and more to find ways they could meet halfway—dinner and dancing was just that, regardless of the crowd that was there.

"There's something I'd been meaning to talk to you about," Theo said as he pressed his cheek against Mandy's, his stubble tickling her jaw. Her skin would turn red in protest, but other parts of her body responded positively to the sensation.

Mandy closed her eyes and leaned into him. "What is it?" It wasn't unusual for Theo to want to talk to Mandy about something. A guy on the water polo team. A big test coming up. A party he really wanted her to go to.

"My mom's coming into town, and I'd really like you to meet her."

She stomped on Theo's foot again. "Sorry."

He just laughed. "It's fine. I kind of threw you a curveball."

A curveball was an understatement.

"So, what do you think?" He tightened his grip on Mandy's lower back, pressing her body closer to his. Why did that always feel so good? "Just for lunch or something. Nothing big. She just wants to meet the girl I keep talking about."

He talked to his mom—about her? Had Mandy even mentioned Theo to Mom? Oh god, she felt like the biggest asshole. He pressed his cheek against hers again.

"Yeah. Sure. Of course," she said.

"Really?" His voice sounded so hopeful.

"Yes. If you want me to meet your mom, then I want to meet her."

Theo leaned back to gaze into Mandy's eyes. "What did I do to find a girl like you?"

"Just lucky, I guess." Did that sound as narcissistic as it did in her head?

"God, I love you."

The needle didn't slide across the record and make that screeching sound, but it did in Mandy's head. Sure, they were good together. Sure, they'd been having fun. And it was easy being with Theo. But love? Was Mandy there? And how could Theo sound so sure?

"I love you, too," Mandy said anyway, because what else was she supposed to do?