Chapter Sixteen

June 2005

The day had blown by in such a blur, captured by Mom's camera as soon as Mandy opened her eyes that morning. Hair styled. Cap and gown. Friends. Family. Speeches. Walking across the stage. Diploma. People screaming. Tears…so many tears.

As the sun faded, filling the sky with watercolors that ranged from rose to tangerine to periwinkle, Mandy and her fellow graduates loaded buses to head back to campus for Grad Nite, an evening arranged by the parents of all the seniors that year. It was a tradition at their school, and each year tried to outdo the last. Mandy's mom had been on the fundraising committee that started the summer before Mandy's senior year. Mom had been extra secretive about the whole affair—which for her was quite the feat. Keeping secrets was not her strong suit and why Mandy always knew what she was getting for Christmas well before the day arrived. A rush of excitement flooded Mandy's veins. Which felt a little silly since she now stood outside the school gymnasium.

How many times had Mandy been inside there for spirit rallies or gym class? The memory of Steve Gillespie throwing up after a robust game of chubby bunny, and the time she got floor burn sliding to save a rough ball during volleyball week in PE rushed through her head.

"This looks so cool," Ashanta de la Cruz turned and said to Mandy.

"So cool," Mandy repeated.

A tall set of stairs stood in front of them, and there was a slide feeding through one of the high windows of the gym.

A parent with a walkie-talkie stood at the top dressed as the Mad Hatter, directing the graduates one at a time.

Ashanta bounced from one foot to the other. "Where is it you're going to college again?"

"I'm not. Or not right away. I'm doing this program in Europe and going to spend a little time there before I commit to anything." Mandy had perfected this answer, having been asked it so many times over the last few months. "How about you?"

"UCLA. For econ." Economics made sense for Ashanta. She was the vice president of their school's environmental club, and she was really good at math.

They continued to chat as they slowly climbed. They may have gone to school with each other for years, but the pair had never said more than a dozen words to each other. But that night it didn't matter. That night every senior spoke to one another as though they were friends—because that night they were.

"I'm just excited to be going away to school, you know?" Ashanta said. "Even if it isn't very far."

"For sure." Mandy was excited about her forthcoming adventures as well. "But it's weird too, right? Like all of a sudden we're going to be on our own, when, I don't know about you, but I've never been on my own before."

"Oh my god. That's so true. And I've thought of that, but not really, you know? I have two younger brothers. It's going to be so weird without them fighting all the time." Ashanta laughed but she had a faraway look in her eye, like she was trying to capture a memory. "Europe will be fun though. I'm kind of jealous actually. I've never been there before."

"Oh, it's amazing." Mandy was lucky to be able to take such a trip, but it didn't make the nerves any less. "If you ever get the chance to go, you totally should."

Before they knew it, they had reached the top of the stairs, and Ashanta disappeared behind a large black cloth, her squeal echoing through the crisp night air, and then it was Mandy's turn. Butterflies filled her chest. She climbed onto the slide; the same black cloth that had made her classmate vanish a moment before hung in front of her, so she couldn't even get a glimpse of what was below.

And just like that, Mandy closed her eyes and let go. The black fabric rushed across her skin, and she was inside. Every inch of the gym—from ceiling to floor—had been transformed. Mandy couldn't help but think she was like Alice sliding into Wonderland. Even the usual smell of rubber and body odor was gone and replaced by the sugary scent of cotton candy. And was that funnel cake?

Her friend Nikki was at the bottom of the slide waiting for her when Mandy finally landed. "Can you believe this?" she asked Mandy as soon as a parent dressed as the White Rabbit ushered her out of the way for the next person to come down the slide.

Mandy shook her head. There was so much to take in.

"There's an artist here doing these caricatures that turn you into a Wonderland character. We so have to do that."

"I promised Isa I'd wait for her," Mandy said.

"Totally. We might have to come back for Sara though since it could be a while until she gets in, and I'm not sure how long I can wait. Laura already took off."

Mandy laughed. Since they all had been separated into the buses by last name, that was how they were released into the event. On one hand it made sure no one was left behind, but it also felt like it took forever for her friends to get inside—although it was probably only about twenty minutes.

"Someone said they were giving tattoos," Nikki said.

"Probably just the temporary kind," Mandy replied.

"Oh, that makes more sense." Nikki laughed.

Mandy shook her head. "I wonder what else there is though."

"I wish they would hurry up and get here." And just as the words left Nikki's lips, Isa slid into Wonderland. Mandy was glad she was there to see her face as she made her way down—head pivoting as though taking it all in. Mandy was sure she had looked similar—wide eyes, open mouth.

Isa stood once she got to the bottom and was ushered to them by the White Rabbit. "This is incredible."

"Right?" Nikki confirmed.

"Where's Laura?" Isa asked.

Nikki rolled her eyes. "She couldn't wait."

"Of course," Isa said.

As soon as Sara dropped in, Mandy looped her arm through Isa's, and then Isa's through Sara's, and then hers through Nikki's, and they all were off into the thick of things.

Their plan of all sticking together didn't last long once they realized how much there was to do—a fortune teller, henna, jugglers on stilts, cotton candy and funnel cakes, corn dogs and street tacos, carnival-style games, an arena where people could put on sumo suits and "wrestle," carnival rides outside, and so much more. Sara and Nikki ran off to get "tattoos"—temporary, of course—and it was just Mandy and Isa. Mandy's head swam with all their options, and she didn't know what she wanted to do first.

"I'm starving," Isa said. "Let's go get one of those sticks with meat."

"We probably should start snacking now, so we have time to try everything by the end of the night," Mandy agreed.

She was about to walk back outside, when Ishan Patel called to her from behind. "Mandy, ride the Ferris wheel with me." Like all the other graduates, he had changed out of his dress clothes into a Grad Nite shirt and jeans—but he filled his shirt out better than most. The sleeves strained against his biceps and across his broad chest, and his dark hair practically sparkled in the lights from all the rides.

If it had been any other night, Mandy would've jumped at the chance. Would've made out with him at the top just because she could—because this was their last night and there would be no questioning if it meant anything more than what it was. But this wasn't just any night. "Maybe later," she called back.

"I'll hold you to that," he responded as Mandy pulled Isa inside.

"Why didn't you go with him?" Isa asked as they headed toward the far corner of their own Wonderland.

"Because I'm hanging out with you. Duh." Mandy shook her head. "Come on." This had been their plan. They may not have known what would happen at Grad Nite, but Mandy and Isa decided long ago that they were going to spend it together no matter what. Mandy would be leaving for Europe before the summer was over, and by the time she got back, Isa would be off to college all the way across the country—so they planned to spend every minute they could together.

After they shared kebabs, and lumpia, and fries, Isa sat down to get a henna tattoo while Mandy got her fortune told—and after they would switch.

Madame Seer—who was just one of the parents dressed in bright scarves—had a small tent only big enough inside for a table and two chairs. It was draped with colorful fabric, and the potent scent of incense burned Mandy's nose.

"Amanda Dean"—Madame Seer stretched out her name like a long breath—"it's so good to see you tonight." Mandy had given the parent outside the tent her name when she "signed up" to see Madame Seer, which was pretty clever.

"Madame Seer." Mandy played along. "Did you foretell my arrival tonight?"

"That I did. Sit down." She gestured toward the chair opposite her, and Mandy obliged. Madame Seer ran her hands over the crystal ball in front of her. "I see you have a big trip coming up. A very important trip."

"I do." While this wasn't a secret, Mandy wasn't sure how Madame Seer knew about it.

"And you're feeling a little anxious."

Mandy nodded. As excited as she was about going to Europe, it would be the first time she'd be traveling alone. The first time her parents wouldn't be with her; and she'd be staying in a room (similar to a bed-and-breakfast-type thing without the breakfast part) where the woman who owned the place rented to all sorts of other people, although she assured Mandy and her parents it was mostly other students. Still, they would all be practically strangers. And aside from the Spanish she had picked up from school and hanging out with Isa, Mandy didn't speak any other language besides English fluently, and she wanted to see France and Germany and so many other places while she was there.

Madame Seer ran her hands over the glass orb. "You needn't worry. All will be well."

Even though Madame Seer wasn't magical, hearing her say those words lightened the heavy feeling Mandy had been carrying around in her chest. "Do you see anything in there…maybe about love?" She couldn't help thinking about Ishan and his proposition about riding the Ferris wheel.

"Oh yes." Madam Seer stared deep into the crystal ball. "It's right here. Love is on the horizon, but don't let it get in the way of your dreams."

Mandy bit back a grin. Such a mom thing to say. "I promise, I won't."

After her time with Madame Seer was over, the hours ticked by quickly as Mandy and Isa explored every inch of their Wonderland. Isa bested Mandy in a round of "sumo wrestling," but Mandy beat Isa to the top of the rock-climbing wall. They got their photos taken at least a dozen times in all the different photo booths set up, and they ate their way around the entire gym. Sometime around one in the morning, they wandered off arm in arm to take a break from the lights and sounds and all the people. Mandy would miss this—her school, her friends—but she needed to get away even just for a little while.

The rapid beat of feet scampering off sounded as Mandy and Isa rounded the corner to the back side of the library—better known as the farthest location away from the gym that had a low likelihood of discovery.

"I guess we aren't the only ones who needed a break," Isa said as she slid her back down the wall and sat with her legs stretched out in front of her. "Guess they thought we were narcs or something."

Mandy sniffed the air. "?‘Or something' is right." She bent down and picked up a joint.

"Is that—"

"Yep." Mandy plopped down and searched the area, finding a pack of matches not far away. "Their loss, our gain." She wiggled them at Isa.

"Do you really think we should?"

"Not like they can expel us now, and you already got your acceptance letter from Boston University." Mandy raised her eyebrows. "Come on. It'll be fun."

Isa twirled her hair around her finger as a mischievous grin pulled at her lips. "Let's do it."

Mandy scooted closer to Isa, put the joint in her mouth, and struck a match. She had smoked a couple of times at parties, so she knew the basics. The scent filled the air as Mandy held the flame to the end of the paper, taking a deep pull. Then, with the tip still lit, she handed it to Isa.

After about three drags each and a good coughing fit from both of them, they lay back on the cool cement and gazed up at the dark sky. Away from the carnival and without any lights on in the school, the stars seemed to shine brighter where they were.

"Serpens." Isa pointed. "Right there. Oh, and there's Hercules, and Lyra…"

Mandy tried to follow Isa's finger, and if she tried really hard, she could picture a centaur in the sky, but she was pretty sure it wasn't what Isa had been pointing to. "Awesome."

And it was.

With the shrieks of excitement muted by the passing breeze and the scent of damp earth swirling around them, time seemed to stand still. The chill in the air prickled Mandy's skin, all of her senses seeming to kick into overdrive.

"This reminds me of that one night under the trampoline," Isa said.

Mandy chuckled, the vibrations of which tickled her chest. "I can't believe we didn't get caught."

"We should've."

"We totally should've." Mandy hadn't thought about Brandon in a long time. What a complete ass he was. A month after she and Isa decorated the front of his house, Brandon was pulled from school and his family moved away. Something about his dad getting a new job, but Mandy wasn't sad to see him go. Actually, she hoped he was miserable wherever he went. The thought didn't make her petty, just committed to her feelings, she rationalized.

Isa reached over and squeezed Mandy's hand. "I wouldn't want to be here with anyone else right now."

"Are you sure that's not the weed talking?"

"I'm sure." Isa turned onto her side. "You're my favorite person."

"You're my favorite person, weirdo."

"I'm being serious."

Mandy turned onto her side too, to face Isa. "So am I."

"Mandy."

"Isa."

"There's something I need to tell you, and I don't know how to say it, or what you'll think, or feel about it, but I know I have to tell you. Because who knows if I'll ever have the courage to say it again…Or maybe I shouldn't…"

Mandy's brain may have been fuzzy, but the nerves running through Isa's words had Mandy hearing her loud and clear. "What's going on?"

"It's just…" Isa seemed to study everything about Mandy's face, her gaze sweeping across it looking for…well, Mandy wasn't sure what. "I'm gay."

"Okay."

"That's it?"

Mandy was really high. "Wait. What did I just say?"

"Oh my god, Mandy." Isa pushed Mandy's shoulder—not hard, but it made her roll onto her back anyway.

The world swooshed around Mandy like a wave. "What did you say?"

"I just told you I'm gay. I am so fucking gay, it hurts."

Mandy struggled to get back onto her side. "Yeah. I know. It's cool."

"What? How do you know? Oh my god. Who else knows? What did I—"

"No. Not like that." Mandy finally righted herself and propped her head on her hand. "It's just—I'm your best friend, and bi, and, well, you've never had a real boyfriend, and even though you've talked about boys and there was that time with you-know-who that we will not talk about. I don't know. I could tell you didn't really like any of them. I'm sure no one else knows. I just know you , is all." It was more than that though. Mandy had been "dragging" Isa to her LGBT and Allies club meetings for years, and in those moments with those people, Isa always seemed her most relaxed—like she could actually take a breath. But Mandy only saw it because she knew Isa like no one else did. Knew she chewed on the caps of her pens during really stressful tests. Knew she liked order in almost everything but rarely matched her socks. Knew that she could never eat just one cookie, because she didn't want it to be lonely in her stomach. Just like how Isa knew everything there was to know about Mandy. She was sure when Isa was ready, she would tell her, like how Mandy told Isa all those years ago in her bathroom. Hearing Mandy say all of this should've made Isa feel better about the whole thing, but Isa still looked like she was ready to puke. "Hold on. Did I say something wrong? I'm really stoned. So if I messed up—"

"No." Isa shook her head. "I'm the one who messed up." She looked as though she was on the verge of tears.

"Whatever it is, it'll be okay." Mandy tried to sound reassuring, but then it hit her. "Oh. You like someone."

Isa nodded.

"And we graduated. And everyone is about to go their own way."

Isa nodded again.

Mandy was feeling a little more sober now—or the brain fog wasn't as thick. "Well, let's go tell them."

Isa shook her head. "But what if it ruins everything?"

Mandy stood up. "You're leaving for Boston in a few months. So who cares?" She offered her hands to help Isa up, and Isa accepted. "I'll be right there with you. You can do it."

"I don't know if I can." Isa visibly trembled, so Mandy wrapped her arms around her.

"Come on. You're, like, the toughest girl I know." Mandy rubbed Isa's back. "Who took down Valerie Kellogg as debate team captain? And who stood up to Santiago Dominguez when he was being a total douche?"

"But this is different."

Mandy looked straight into Isa's eyes. "You are an amazing person. Any girl would be a fool if they didn't immediately kiss you after you told them you liked them. You can do this."

Isa slowly nodded.

"Good, let's—" Mandy tried to pull Isa forward, but she didn't move.

"It's you," Isa said. "The girl I'm hard-core crushing on is you."

Mandy heard the words coming out of Isa's mouth, but for a moment Mandy thought she had imagined them. She was really high, so it was possible she was hallucinating or daydreaming or something. But Isa—her Isa—stared at Mandy with those amazing dark brown eyes and kept a hold of her hand even though Mandy hadn't said anything yet. Isa's finger stroked Mandy's knuckles, sending tingles up her arm. If Mandy said she had never thought about this moment happening, she'd be a liar. She dreamed about it sometimes when she lay awake at night—a blissful fantasy she never shared with anyone, and now it was coming true.

Isa licked her lips. "Say some—"

Mandy's mouth crashed into Isa's.

Mandy was no fool.

As their lips met, it was like a million sensations all wrapped up in one. Fireworks, and first drops on roller coaster rides, and catching air on a ski jump, or riding your first wave. Mandy's heart beat faster than it ever had before. Or was that Isa's heart Mandy felt as they pressed against each other?

When they finally broke apart, nothing had changed around them, and yet everything was different. The air was more temperate, the stars were blazing, and the crickets practically cheered. Graduation meant the beginning of new things, and this was the best new thing that could ever have happened.

Mandy loved Isa—she always had—but that night it seemed to transform into something brighter, stronger, if that were even possible. "I love you for real."

Isa tucked a stray hair behind Mandy's ear. "I love you for real back."