Chapter 29

CHAPTER 29

A dam was not going to make the same mistake with his sisters twice.

He reached London, and he sent them both letters explaining his whereabouts. He considered sending one to Beth, but he did not wish to trouble her. She was with her family, as far as he knew, and that would be enough for her to handle without him telling her he was nearby. She had left him to be away from him, after all.

He, on the other hand, had gone there to be closer to her. He was still angry with her, but he would have been lying if he claimed he did not care for her. It hadn’t made any sense how quickly everything had fallen apart, but he was determined to give her time. If she came back, then that would be wonderful, but if not, he always had Scotland.

It was strange being alone. His London home was not his favorite, but at least when Beth was there there was warmth to it. In her absence, it felt empty. This was what he had planned for in the beginning, exactly what he had wanted, but now it was the last thing he needed.

“Adam?” He heard Diana call, “Are you in here?”

“Why do I even have a butler,” he muttered, going to the door.

In the hallway was Diana and Samantha, looking at him as if he were a ghost. Then again, he supposed that he was, in a way.

“What has happened to you?” Samantha asked, “Are you unwell?”

“I am perfectly fine.”

“You do not look it,” Diana sighed, “But at least you told us you were here this time, so that we can take care of you.”

“There is no need for any of that. I am not unwell, and I am simply here for Christmas so that I can see your families. I thought that you might like that, but it appears you are only here to pass judgment.”

He hoped that his comment would make them stop questioning him, but all they did was raise an eyebrow at him. They looked very similar when giving him a lecture.

“We are your sisters,” Samantha pressed, “And we know when something is amiss, so you might as well tell us now, rather than having us beg and plead with you.”

“Very well,” he sighed, “Come in, and I shall ask for a tea to be prepared.”

He didn’t touch anything when it came out, and his sisters took things tentatively.

“They are not poisoned, if that is what you are fearing.”

“Then why aren’t you eating anything?” Diana asked.

“I am not hungry.”

“You look it.”

“Again, I did not invite you here so that you could tell me what is wrong with me.”

“We are not here to tell you.” Samantha replied, “We are here to ask you. Adam, you are quite clearly not yourself. What is it?”

Adam did not want to tell them. He did not know what he would say. If he told them what had happened, they would think that he had abandoned his wife because she could not have children, but that was not the case. He had ended a trip with his wife because she had kept something so big from him. It could have been any condition, any secret of that size, and he would have been the same, but would they believe that?

“Adam,” Diana said gently, “Beth is not here. I understand that you do not celebrate Christmas, but you and I both know that you would have celebrated it with her, and she is not here. We are not children. We know when something is amiss.”

“Very well,” Adam nodded, “But you must let me tell you everything before you tell me what you think.”

His sisters looked at one another before nodding. Adam didn’t quite trust it; they would likely admonish him regardless, but he needed to tell someone. He needed to make everything make sense to himself.

And so he told them everything, watching them understand more and more as he went on. When he finished, Samantha stood up and sat beside him.

“That is… It must have been difficult to hear.”

“It was. It was so sudden, too. And the way she said it, as though she didn’t care how it made me feel, or as though it was this small thing that meant nothing.”

“I don’t think that was how she meant it,” Diana said, “I think this is something she has been dealing with for a long time, all her life, even, and to her it is just another small thing. Sometimes, that is. Other times, it is the worst thing that she can feel. I am not surprised at all that she told you the way that she did. I would have done the same thing if it meant I did not have to think about it.”

“But it wasn’t fair to me.”

“And you are being unfair to her.” She snapped, “I understand why you were hurt, Adam, but you must also think about your wife. She was married before, yes?”

“Yes, she was. For some time, too.”

“And her husband clearly knew of her condition. I assume he reminded her of it every single time he was unhappy with her. With each thing he considered a failure, he would mention her biggest failing of all.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because she didn’t miss him. When we visited, she did not mention the man once. Has she told you anything about him?”

“She has said he was unkind, but never what it was about, and…”

As usual, his sister knew the truth before he did.

“Very well,” he continued, “It is likely that he did. But that did not mean that I would do the same thing. She should have told me. I would have been different.”

“Well, she told you. It wasn’t what you wished to hear, nor how you wished to hear it, and what did you do? You took yourself into another room, and then returned her to her home.”

“You say that as though I had another choice.”

“You had many! You could have had your disagreement, talked things through, and then gone to bed. Had you thought to do that, you could have been in Scotland now, but instead you are in the place you hate most in the world because your wife is here and you cannot stand being away from her.”

The three fell silent before Samantha reached for her teacup, taking a sip and looking him directly in the eye.

“Why did you follow her here?” She asked.

“Because she is my wife.”

“That is not reason enough. It is as Diana said, and you did not proclaim otherwise, you cannot stand to be away from her. Why is that, Adam? Sure you know it would have been easier for you to return to Scotland.”

“It would have been, but I have a duty to the woman I married.”

“You do not. If this were a mere deal between the two of you, you could have left her in that lovely home that she has come to enjoy being in, and you could have gone to Scotland and stayed there, and both of you would have been happy. However, she has come here and you have followed, rather than running away like you did before. Why is that?”

Adam, of course, had not thought of it that way. He had come to London instinctively, not even knowing if she was there. He simply felt as though she was, and had allowed it to guide him. He did not think it was wise, nor did he see any point in it if all he would do was sit in his own lodgings, but Beth was there and so he was there because he…

“Because I love her.”

Diana gave him a knowing look.

“You ought to tell her.”

“She knows. She must have known. I thought I had made it clear to her, at least. Surely she knew?”

“Did you ever say it in so many words?”

“No, but I cared for her in a way I have never cared for anyone else.”

“Which she likely saw as you doing your duty as a husband, perhaps even as a friend.” Samantha explained, “Adam, there is no need for all of this difficulty. If you love her, you must tell her.”

“What would it solve? She clearly does not feel the same. Why else would she have left?”

“I imagine that if I loved someone and they behaved the way that you did, I would have wanted to leave too.”

Against his better judgment, he truly did want his sisters to be right about it all. He had never dared admit to himself that he loved his wife, for that had never been in their agreement, but he did. That was why he missed her so much, and that was why he had followed her when she left. They had argued, but it wasn’t something that couldn’t be fixed. He could fix everything, and they could return home together.

If she wanted to see him at all, that was.

“I suppose you are right,” he said at last, “But I cannot see her now. She clearly wishes for some time away, and the last thing that I want to do is anger her. It is something I have done enough.”

“But you will see her?” Diana asked.

“I will think about it. I promise you.”

“Very well,” Diana nodded, “Now, I know that you do not celebrate, but the thought of you being here alone makes me rather miserable, and so you should come and join us. We shall all be at my home, and there is nothing I want more as a gift than your presence.”

“Diana does not like to beg,” Samantha continued, “I have less pride than she does. Please come, Adam. The children would like to see you again. They have been talking about you since the dinner.”

Frankly, children were the last thing Adam wished to see. He did not need the reminder that his wife thought her inability to have them had hurt him so much that he would abandon her.

But if not with his family, he would spend a lot of time by himself, and he did not want that anymore. He had grown accustomed to living with another, passing his time in conversation rather than in his study in silence. It was a life that he had come to enjoy, and he hated that it had been ripped out from beneath him. If his family still wanted him, he could not leave them again. He had already made that mistake.

“Very well, I shall be there.”

Both sisters smiled warmly at him before leaving. Adam wondered if going with them then and there might have helped him, because whenever he was alone he was left with the same two thoughts.

The first was the way Beth had looked at him when he carried her to bed. She had looked so peaceful, and it didn’t make any sense to him because he had never brought anyone peace. He seemed to leave a trail of destruction in his wake wherever he went and not much more, but she had trusted him. She had been awake, and he knew that, and she could have opened her eyes, told him to put her down, and walked, but she did not. She wanted to stay in his arms, and he had wanted her to stay there himself.

The other thought was the first moments he realized she was gone. He had tried to maintain his composure, and so he had put all of his feelings to one side, but now that it was all over he realized that above all else, he had felt fear. He was not a man that was frightened easily, but the knowledge that she had disappeared, left without a trace, and he might not see her again, paralyzed him. He had not come to London, he realized, just to make sure she was safe.

He had come to London because there was nowhere he would have rather been, even Scotland, than with his wife. That would have been a wonderful thing to realize, had she wanted the same thing.

But she had left, and Adam had never felt more alone.