Chapter 11 - Lowyn

It takes me hours to stop thinking about Collin Creed and how he looked in his costume this morning. My God, why didn't I sleep with that man last night? Why?

He kind of explained himself, didn't he? I mean, I get it, don't I? Do I really need a formal explanation with a formal apology?

"Stop it."

I turn and look at Bryn, who has taken the day off at the inn so she can help out on opening day. There's no Revival on Fridays. It's just a look around. But all the booths are open, and the food venders are cooking up a storm, and the children's choir will be singing at least three times today.

There are also a few rides. Classic ones. A merry-go-round, a Ferris wheel, some bumper cars, and a helter-skelter slide. It's Good Friday and even though it's not a national holiday, here in these parts the kids don't have school. So most of the people are locals from the surrounding towns outside the Trinity.

Our booth is going crazy with customers, so Bryn is here for support. She's not required to be here every day we're open any more than I am, but you gotta be pretty much dying to get away with a no-show on opening day.

"Stop what?" I ask her.

"You're daydreaming. Did you sleep with him yet?"

"No. I'm still mad. He walked out on me twelve years ago. One does not just get over that in a week."

"He's living at your house, Lowyn."

"On the couch!"

"Please. Just sleep with him and get it over with. The two of you have been in love since he first saw you singing in the children choir and you first saw him holding the Good Book open for his daddy when you were back in kindergarten."

"How would you even know that? You weren't even there back in those days. You were in the play tent."

Bryn winks at me, then turns her back to help a customer.

She's right, though. Inside the Revival tent, the children's choir stands stage right and Collin was always seated stage left, so we were looking at each other all growing up. I used to imagine that he could pick my voice out of the chorus and I would sing extra loud to make sure that happened.

Did it work?

Maybe. Of course, he's almost two years older than me, and when you're five, that's a big deal. So maybe it didn't. Maybe he never saw me at all. Not until I was in high school, that is.

We started out as friends first. I was on the cheerleading squad at Trinity High my freshman year. I wasn't interested in cheering, I was there for Collin. That was it. And I did everything in my power to make him notice me. I'd do backflips across the field right in front of him. I'd decorate his locker on game days, even if I had been assigned some other player's locker. And I would leave him notes. Not signing my name, at first, but a little picture instead.

I wasn't an artist, but Clover was, and she and I were besties since first grade. She taught me how to doodle flowers when we were little. And this was what I drew for Collin. That was how I signed my name when I left him notes.

There was nothing scandalous in the notes. They said things like ‘good job' and ‘nice catch.' He was the receiver for the football team. But then, one night, after the game, I slipped a new note into his helmet that was lying on the bench. This was the last game of the season. They didn't go to state or anything. It was just a regular game. And in this note I asked him to meet me at the Revival tent at five a.m. And I signed it with my flower.

I didn't think he'd show up. I really didn't.

But he was there. Sitting on the top step of the stage.

There were a lot of people around. The Revival grounds never sleep when we're in season. And Collin's role in the whole affair was on that stage, so no one questioned why he was there, sittin' on that step.

When I came into the tent, he smiled at me and stood up, always the gentleman. "I knew it was you."

He said these words like they were no big deal.

But to me, they were the biggest deal ever.

And that was how we started.

I knew it was you.

The foot traffic is busy well past lunch, so when Collin Creed enters our booth with a dog and a funnel cake and asks me if I have time for a break, I just sigh at him like he's my hero.

We walk towards the river on the far side of the tent grounds where it's quiet and no visitors are allowed. There are a few dozen picnic tables, a couple self-service drink carts, and a dock.

Collin unclips the leash from his dog—who is called Mercy and belongs to Amon—and then he and I take that funnel cake over to the dock and sit down on the creaky benches that line one side. There's an awning over the end of the dock, so we get to sit in the shade.

"Did everyone love your costume?"

Collin smiles at me. "My men gave me the wrinkle-free award." Which makes me laugh. "Nah. I don't know what the deal is with all this security. Jim Bob is paranoid or something. Do you always have this much?"

"I've never paid much attention, to be honest. We've never had dogs before, that's for sure. But if they were dressed up in costume, I probably wouldn't have noticed. I'm not here all day, every day. I'll work this weekend because it's opening day and all, and I'll be there for all the big tent shows, but I've got a business."

"Yeah, you do. I was wondering about that. I see some booths where they combine the two. MaisieLee is selling fittings for custom clothes in her costume booth, and April Laver sells her own cookie recipe from the bakery in her booth."

"Yeah, but they like to share profits, and I don't."

"Ah. I knew there had to be a catch."

"If I sold McBooms stuff here, I'd have to give the town some profit. And to be quite honest, I don't need the business. I'm pretty busy all on my own."

"That's smart. To keep it all separate, ya know?"

"Mmm. Do I detect some cynicism?"

"No. I'm just saying. Legally speaking, you did a smart thing."

"Who got your hackles up?"

"Why do you presume my hackles are up?"

"Was it Simon?" I point at him. "It was Simon."

"I'm not saying I don't trust him. I'm just saying I don't know him." He pauses. "Well? Do you have an opinion?"

I just shrug. "No one likes him. There. I said it. But the reason no one likes him is because they're still loyal to your family. And even though it's been almost a decade now, they're still holding out hope that the Creeds will come back."

"And now that I'm here?"

I laugh. "Oh, Collin. Now that you're back, they're gonna push that man and his whole family right out of town."

"I hope not. There is no way in hell I will preach in that tent. Like hell will be freezing over before that happens. My daddy will come back and take that job before I ever will. Please relay this message to whomever it may concern, every chance you get."

I just shake my head. "Anyway. Aside from your suspicions and hesitations, how is your day going?"

He nods, looks out over the river, maybe concentrating on the cliff on the other side. The river that runs through Disciple runs deep. And by deep, I mean over the course of the life of this planet, this water has carved out a place between hills. There used to be a working bridge that went from one side to the other, one of those old-timey train bridges with intricate trusses. But that thing started falling apart decades ago and no one had the desire to put it all back together.

They've been talking about tearing that bridge down for a long time now, but again, no one really cares enough about the damn thing to get rid of it, either.

"It's the same and different."

I look over at Collin and find him looking back at me. "Of course it is," I tell him. "You've been gone a long time." He just smiles at me. For quite a few moments. Too many moments to not be awkward, actually. "What?"

"We're still on for bowling, right?"

"You spent all those moments being silent and awkward, and that's what's on your mind?"

"You're on my mind, Lowyn. Just you. The bowling alley is just a way to get more time."

"You're living at my house. Bryn thinks I should just sleep with you and get it over with."

He huffs out a laugh. "She's always been a genius."

We go quiet after that. Not for long, but long enough for us both to know that we're thinking about sleeping together and why I've turned him down so far.

"So… listen, Lowyn. I know I don't have any right to ask this—and, in fact, it could ruin things between us?—"

Oh, shit. Here we go.

"—but… I can't explain it."

"Can't explain what?" I know what he's talking about. I just have an urge to make him spell it out.

"Why I acted the way I did after… you know. After I killed that guy."

"You mean why you just… stopped talking to me? Then silently broke up with me? Then joined the Marines without telling me? Are those the things you can't explain?"

He sighs. "I'm a dick. I… don't deserve a second chance. And if you walk away, then…" He throws up his hands. "Then I guess that's how it was meant to be."

I scoff. We're gonna have a fight. He's been in town less than a week, he's staying at my house, and just a few minutes ago I was thinking about sleepin' with him and now we're gonna have a fight.

I take a deep breath. Collin Creed is the love of my life. I am twenty-nine years old and I've had plenty of chances to move on.

And I haven't.

I won't.

But I want him to know how I feel about this. So I turn a little and look him in the eye. "Collin, I love you, I have always loved you, and if you think I've been waiting around for you to come back, well"—I tip my chin up—"you'd be right. So I'm not even able to get up and walk out on you right now. I'm not capable of giving you an ultimatum the way you just handed one to me."

"Lowyn—"

"No." I put a hand up. "That's what that was. And fine. I agree. I won't ask any more questions about that night, or what happened in the weeks afterward, or why I wasn't important enough to you to even leave a note."

His face falls. That was the intention of my speech, so I'm pretty pleased with this reaction.

"But I want you to know that you did more than ruin me for other men, Collin. You crushed me. You ripped my soul into pieces. You… you… you made me sad."

He's still staring at me. And he swallows hard when this last word comes out of my mouth. I'm a quiet fighter. I do not scream, or throw things, or make threats.

When I fight, I just tell the truth.

It hurts Collin a lot more to hear these things I just said than it ever would if I had simply slapped him across the face.

"I'm sorry."

"I know. You've already said that."

He lets out a long breath. "I wish I could take it back."

"You can't. It's done."

"So what do we do now?"

"Well, I think you and I have a date tonight."

There is a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "We do."

"But I'm not in the mood for a date. Especially with your friends. I don't think I want to be on the bowling team. So I'm just gonna go home. In fact, I think I'm gonna work tonight."

"Work?"

"McBooms? I have to catalog a bunch of stuff, and…" I shrug and let it go. Stop trying. It's not a lie. At all. I do have to catalog that stuff. I don't have to do it on a Friday night, but I am.

"OK. Should I find another place to sleep?"

"Well…" I don't know what to say to this.

"I'll find another place to stay."

"I'm not…" I scoff. "I'm not even sure what to say here, because we're not even dating. But I want you to know that I'm not over you. I'm not done. I'm just…" I shake my head. "I don't know what I feel right now. Do I love you? Yes. That was my first point. I love you, Collin. I will never stop loving you. But you hurt me. And that scares me. I don't want to be a woman who hands out her unconditional love to a man who hurts her."

"Fuck, Lowyn." That cut him deep. It was meant to. He runs his fingers through his hair and then he scrubs his hands down his face.

I stand up. He stands up. "I'll see ya tomorrow. OK? We'll start over tomorrow."

He nods at me, his face long and somber. "OK. I'll see you tomorrow."

I turn my back and walk away. I don't want to. I want to ask him… where will he stay tonight? I want to ask him if he's OK. I want to take his hand, and take him home, and lock him up and never let him get away again.

But he's a grown man. It's none of my business where he sleeps. If he's not OK, that's not my fault. And locking him up and never letting him go is a felony.

So I keep walking.

I go back to my booth, and plaster on a smile, and chat happily with Bryn, and when six o'clock comes, I pack up my things, close down my booth, and walk over to McBooms.

It's dark in there.

And I don't turn on the light.

Because I want to have a good cry and I don't want anyone to see me do that.