Chapter 8
CHAPTER 8
Holden
Lala disappeared into the bathroom to talk to Warren in private, right after she’d ogled my morning wood, which didn’t help my predicament one single bit.
Why did it fucking piss me off that she was talking to her fiancé?
Was I pissed, or was I guilty? It was probably both. I didn’t feel guilty because of him. I felt guilty because I knew I’d put her in a position where she experienced guilt.
I slipped my pants on while listening to the muffled sound of her conversation, struggling to make out what she was saying over the fan she’d turned on in the bathroom.
I walked over to the window and opened the curtain, letting some of the morning sun into our hotel room. As I looked down at our parking lot view, I thought about the way she’d backed into me last night.
Lala had drifted off to sleep before I had. I’d stayed awake for hours, struggling with my thoughts and the fact that my body was on fire despite my best efforts to remain neutral while lying next to her. And then at one point, her ass had shifted back toward me, positioned directly on my dick. I’d wanted to freaking explode. I didn’t think she knew what she’d done because I’d heard little snores at almost the same moment. But my dick, which had already been struggling, had risen to full staff.
Aching for more, I’d done the opposite of what felt natural—I’d moved the comforter to act as a barrier for my cock before pushing my hips back. Then I’d reached out and wrapped my arms around her instead, because I couldn’t help it. That was a lot more innocent than grinding my cock against her ass, which was what I’d really wanted to do.
It had been physically painful to move back. I’d ended up falling asleep with my arms around her. Not sure what my dick or my body had decided to do while I was sleeping, but I figured I couldn’t be responsible for anything if I was unconscious.
Lala’s face was red when she emerged from the bathroom. She also had what looked like a rash all over her neck.
My eyes widened. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah.” She sighed. “He was just checking in since he hadn’t heard from me.”
“What did you tell him?”
She sighed. “I told him you came to help me, but I lied and told him that we were in separate rooms. And I feel terrible for doing that. I know we didn’t do anything wrong, but—”
“Fuck no, we didn’t, and you shouldn’t feel guilty.” I stepped toward her. “But I can understand why you couldn’t tell him we shared a bed.” I looked down at her neck. “You’re breaking out from stress. Stop beating yourself up about it.”
“I didn’t have the heart to tell him we slept in the same bed, even if it was innocent. It wouldn’t have made sense to him.” She muttered, “It doesn’t even really make sense to me.”
It wasn’t exactly innocent. We both knew it, even if we weren’t saying it. That was the problem.
“I get it. You’re trying to protect him. I can respect that. But we didn’t…” I chose my words carefully. “Cross any lines. So you have nothing to feel guilty about.”
“Yeah, I know. I know.” Her eyes momentarily fell to my chest before she shook her head. “Anyway…let me go change so I can give you back your shirt.”
She returned to the bathroom for a few minutes, then emerged and handed me my shirt. As I slipped it over my head, I breathed in deeply. This shirt was going to mess me up for the rest of the day; I wouldn’t be able to think straight.
We checked out of the hotel and headed to the auto parts store to get what I needed to fix her car.
Once the job was done, Lala hit the road, since she was already missing the first part of her workday. There was no time to talk about any residual awkwardness left over from last night or this morning.
It took me a little while to get the tire on the van replaced, but then I headed back as well. The drive to New York was crappy, to say the least. Not only could I still smell her all over my damn shirt, but now I was smelling her with the memory of what it felt like to hold her, to have her ass pressed against me. I’d actually fallen asleep with a woman in my arms. You know how many times I’d done that in my life? Never. Not intentionally, at least. Sounds crazy, but I’d never had the urge to do that. As many women as I’d slept with, I couldn’t remember a single time I’d specifically wrapped my arms around someone. There might have been some tangled bodies here and there, but nothing as intimate as holding someone.
I’d told Lala we didn’t do anything wrong. And maybe she didn’t do anything wrong, but I’d crossed the line the moment I made the decision to get up off that floor and join her in the bed. I knew it was dangerous—especially after she admitted she was nervous because she was attracted to me. I’d made her believe she could trust me.
But she shouldn’t.
An evil part of me wanted to tempt her. I hated myself for that because I knew a girl like Lala would never forgive herself if she cheated on her fiancé. Why would I put someone I cared about in that position? But my feelings for her were very complicated—and selfish.
The ride went by in a blur because I was so stuck in my head, and it seemed like just a few minutes before I arrived home and parked the van in a lot down the block.
If I thought my day was going to get any better once I got back, I was sorely mistaken. Owen stormed down the hall toward me as I entered the building.
“There you are! Where the fuck have you been all morning, and why aren’t you answering your phone?”
“Sorry, dude. Phone is dead.” I hadn’t brought my charger with me on my unexpected trip.
His ears were red, and a vein looked like it was ready to pop out of his forehead. “I had to miss a fucking important meeting because of a leak you were supposed to be here to fix. The least you can do is charge your damn phone.”
My head was killing me. “What happened?” I asked as I opened the door to my apartment.
He followed me inside. “Sink leak in 410 was causing water to come through the ceiling in the apartment below it.”
“410? That’s where Frick and Frack live. Did you fix it?”
“No! I put a Band-Aid on it, but it’s not fixed. And those two little shits greased the pipes under the sink and the faucet to fuck with me. They’re out of control.”
“I’m sorry, man.”
“You were at some chick’s house, I assume?”
“Actually, no.” I hesitated, dreading having to tell him. “I was helping Lala.”
His eyes narrowed. “Helping Lala with what?”
“Her car crapped out on the way home from Philly, and she called me to help her get back.”
He arched a brow. “Is that all you helped with?”
I wanted to punch him right now. “What kind of a question is that?”
“Your crush on Lala is the worst-kept secret in the world. You’re wondering why I asked you that?”
“She fucking called me!” I spat. “What do you want me to do?”
“How about get one of us to do it because you know you can’t be trusted.”
“Since when do you know how to fix cars, jackass?”
Owen had no answer for that, so he continued his inquisition. “Where did you spend the night last night?”
I blew out a long breath and gave him the details—without mentioning that we’d slept in the same bed. That would have to remain a secret.
“You slept in the same hotel room, and you don’t think you’re playing with fire here?” He shook his head. “You know damn well that she’s with a good guy who’ll take care of her and treat her right. Why would you want to jeopardize that? If she ends up cheating on him with you—because you can’t fucking stop coercing her—it would be one of the biggest mistakes of her life.”
His words felt like a sucker punch. Mainly because I believed them. Lala falling for me would be a huge mistake. Still, I found myself on the defensive. “Thanks for the confidence, asshole. I thought you were supposed to be one of my best friends.”
“Do you seriously think that if she gave in to your goddamn charms she would end up in a better place than if she married him? You need to think about what’s best for her, Holden. I know what you’re up to.”
I raised my voice. “What part of my going out there to fix her fucking car don’t you understand?”
“You could’ve slept in your van like you have before. You didn’t have to spend the night in a hotel room with her.”
If he only knew.I looked down at my shoes.
“I know you, Holden. I feel like I’m the only one keeping tabs on this situation lately. Colby’s so damn busy, and Brayden seems to have his head up his ass per usual. But I see the way you look at her. And this whole situation concerns me. She’s like the last piece of Ryan we have left. You cannot fuck with that girl.” He relaxed his tone. “Ryan would kill you, man. He’d kill you.”
I pulled on my hair. “Look, you don’t need to say it. Okay? I know I’m not right for her. I also know that there’s something between us—it’s always been there. Things you don’t even know about…from when she and I were younger.” I paused. “And I also know I need to do everything in my power to make sure nothing happens. But I do care about her. It’s fucking complicated. As my friend, I wish you would listen to me rather than lecture me.” My lip trembled as anger coursed through my veins.
Maybe he finally saw the torment in my eyes because Owen softened. He nodded. “I’m sorry I was so harsh. It’s been a rough morning, and I was really pissed that you weren’t here. But now that I know you were helping her, I can’t stay pissed.” He scrubbed his hand over his face. “Look, I gotta get to work. I’m already late enough. You should head back over to 410 to fix the shitty job I did patching up the situation. And maybe tie up the Satan siblings to get them under control.”
After he took off, I made a quick stop in my apartment and then went upstairs to get to work on that leak. Owen’s words about me being the biggest mistake Lala would ever make continued to plague me all afternoon, though.
I made a mental vow—yet again—to distance myself for a while, as hard as that might be.
***
A few days had passed, and I’d kept my promise on staying away from Lala. I hadn’t heard from her and hadn’t made contact.
I had a few hours to kill before leaving for a gig tonight and found myself falling into rumination again. Staying away from her was one thing, but thinking about her was another—that I hadn’t been able to stop.
She hadn’t texted me or anything since we got back on Monday, which made me think she was still feeling guilty over the other night and had decided to distance herself. It was just as well and made things easier for me, but it bothered me that she might have been upset about it.
I’d done everything I could to try to move on from thoughts of her. I’d even gone back to a girl named Cara’s apartment after my show last night. She and I had kissed, but when she tried to go down on me, I stopped her. I’d never stopped a blowjob in my life. Eager head from an attractive woman wasn’t something you refused. And it’s not that my body wasn’t ready for it. I’d been so damn horny lately. I just wasn’t in the mood for her.
Ever since the other night, all I’d craved was to be back in that warm bed with Lala, which was beyond fucked up. I ended up leaving Cara’s pissed at myself, while also patting myself on the back for at least moving on far enough to kiss her. Because I really fucking needed to move on. Kissing random women used to be a nightly occurrence, and now I apparently thought I deserved a gold star.
A knock on the door snapped me out of my thoughts. When I opened, Lala was standing there holding two smoothies.
My heart wanted to burst. Her hair was especially unruly and wind-blown. And her scent, which had unfortunately begun to fade from my shirt, was back in full force as it wafted toward me. Despite everything, I’d missed her so damn much.
“Hey!” I smiled.
“Hi.” She lifted one of the cups. “I, uh, know you like that smoothie place. I passed by on the way home from work and figured I’d bring you one.”
“Thanks. That was sweet of you.” I stepped aside. “Come in.”
“Is…everything okay with you?” she asked.
“Yeah.” I swallowed. “Why do you ask?”
“I feel like maybe I made you uncomfortable the other night at the hotel. And that’s why you’ve been quiet.”
Fuck. “No, Lala. You didn’t do anything to make me uncomfortable. Trust me.”
“Okay. Well…I can get out of your hair if you’re busy.”
“Stay,” I insisted. “I don’t have anything going on. Just a gig later tonight.”
“Oh. Is it in the City?”
“Yeah. At a bar. We played there last night, too.”
She sat down on my sofa. “What have I missed in Holden’s world?”
“Not much.” I sat down, took a sip, and kicked my feet up. “The band has been busy, and I fixed not one, but two leaky sinks this week. Other than that, things have been pretty boring. What about you?”
“The research project is going more smoothly. I got a second admin finally.”
“Nice.”
“Hey…” She grinned. “You never told me what happened with the guinea pig. Did you give it to Saylor?”
“Well, after her triumphant recovery from the Hot Cheeto incident, I took her to Colby’s the following morning. Right before you called me about the car, actually.” I laughed. “Colby’s still pissed at me. But, yeah, Saylor was psyched.”
“He’s gonna let her keep it, right?”
“Yep. He and Billie basically had no choice. That’s why he’s pissed.”
Lala laughed. It was good to see her smile.
I ran my finger along the side of my cup. “Any more news on the California situation?”
She shook her head. “He won’t find out anything for a while. It’s been weighing on me, though. I’ve been in kind of a funk about it ever since I got back.”
Don’t ask her to come out tonight to break out of her funk.“You should come to the show tonight. Let loose.”
She didn’t immediately answer.
“I don’t know.” She bit her bottom lip. “It’s a work night.”
Good girl, Lala. Stay away from me.“No pressure.”
Silence filled the room. Then out of nowhere, she seemed to perk up.
“You know what? The days are passing fast. I won’t have endless opportunities to see you play. So, yeah. I’ll go.” She smiled.
Inwardly psyched, I also felt like I’d taken a hundred steps back in my resolve to distance myself. Nice going.
***
There was nothing like looking out into the audience and seeing Lala watching me play. It wasn’t always easy to identify faces, depending on the lighting. But I made sure to take note of where she was going to be standing. Tonight at this smaller venue, I found I had a clearer view than normal. My performance was also on point.
As I stepped off of the platform at the end and looked over at Lala’s smiling face, all seemed right in the world. Well, except for the fact that Lala was still with Warren, and I still seemed incapable of staying away from her.
Wiping sweat off my forehead, I asked, “What did you think?”
“Was it just me or were you particularly amazing tonight?”
“It wasn’t just you. I felt the same. Thank you for noticing.” I lowered my mouth to her ear. “How about a vodka cranberry to celebrate?”
“Just one. I have to be alert tomorrow,” she yelled through the noise.
“You got it.”
I went to the bar and fetched us two vodka cranberries. I only ever drank them when I was with her—or when I was using that particular drink as an excuse to text her.
We chatted and sipped for a while, and then since it was a work night and Lala had to get back at a decent hour, I opted to get us our own car rather than wait to share the SUV with the guys.
As we were exiting the bar, Cara—the girl I’d kissed the night before—stopped me.
“Hey, Holden, you left this at my place last night.”
Shit.When she handed me my beanie, my stomach sank. “Thanks.”
I resumed walking, placing my hand on the small of Lala’s back to guide her forward and away from Cara. I couldn’t even look at Lala because I realized the conclusion she must have drawn. But why did it matter? That was the fucked-up part.
Lala’s face had turned beet red by the time we faced each other on the sidewalk outside. “I guess you lied when you said not much has been going on, huh? Or maybe sleeping over at some rando’s house isn’t all that special? Just par for the course?”
I looked her straight in the eyes and told the truth. “I went back to her apartment last night. We kissed. But I left before anything else could happen. I wasn’t into her.”
Lala stayed silent and shook her head, almost in disbelief. “Jesus. What’s wrong with me?” She blinked. “You don’t owe me an explanation, Holden. I’m sorry I reacted that way.” She blew a breath up into her hair. “This is not a good look on me. I have no right to be jealous right now. I should be minding my own damn business instead of wanting to rip that girl’s head off.”
Damn. That’s kind of hot. “I don’t know what to say, Lala.”
That was the truth. I almost always had an answer for everything, but I didn’t know how to respond. I’d wanted to rip Warren’s head off for calling his own fiancée the other day, for Christ’s sake.
The fact that she’d admitted her jealousy gave me a massive high at first, but I came crashing down pretty fast as we entered our ride and went home in silence.
Because it hit me: It didn’t matter that she was jealous; it didn’t change anything. She still had a fiancé. She still chose to be with him. She was still leaving New York after this contract was up and possibly moving to California. And I was still supposed to be protecting her from me. I was still not right for her.
Lala had a crush on me. That was it. She liked me because I was forbidden—her older brother’s best friend. The second she felt she could truly have me, she wouldn’t want me anymore. Reality would set in fast. She would soon realize I could never be the safety net she needed.