Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

Cal kicked himself for volunteering to take June shopping. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to spend time with her—hell, he wanted to spend all his spare time with her. It was because the more he was around her, the more he wanted to be.

The night before, he’d fled upstairs before he did something that would scare the crap out of her. Like pick her up, throw her on the couch, and make love to her right then and there. Putting his lips on her was both heaven and hell. She had the softest skin, and the little noises she’d made in her throat while he’d been kissing her made his cock stand up and take notice. It had taken all the strength he had to control himself and not go any further.

She’d been isolated, mistreated, and she was finally getting to spread her wings. The last thing Cal wanted to do was stifle her. She could have any man she wanted now. He couldn’t be selfish and not give her a chance to date, fall in love . . . be happy.

But just thinking about her with any other man made him want to snatch her up and lock her away. She was his, damn it.

Except she wasn’t.

His friends had purposely gotten under his skin with their stunt last night. Kissing her right in front of him. Customs be damned—they hadn’t kissed anyone else like that before, ever. And the thing was, their shenanigans worked. He’d hated seeing their lips on her. Chappy was taken, and JJ might as well be, with how he couldn’t look away from April, but it didn’t matter.

Cal had been thrilled when June suggested he cover their kisses with his own. She was shy but not paralyzingly so. And she’d felt so damn perfect in his arms. Just as she had the night in the hotel, when he’d held her as they slept.

But no matter how much he might want her, he couldn’t be with her like a normal man should be with a woman. He couldn’t bear to look at himself in the mirror; how could he expose his ruined flesh to June? He’d rather die than see a look of disgust or pity in her eyes.

So now he was torturing himself by spending the day with her in Rumford. Shopping, of all things. He wasn’t a man who shopped. If he needed something, he went online and ordered it. Other than for groceries, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d walked into an actual store.

“This is fun,” she said from next to him, jolting him out of his thoughts.

Looking over at her, Cal saw June was smiling. Her cheeks were flushed from walking in the chilly air, and her eyes sparkled. It took so little to make her happy. “Yeah?” he asked.

She nodded. There wasn’t a mall in Rumford. No designer shops. Nothing that compared to the stores she could shop at back in DC. But it didn’t seem to matter. June was taking pleasure in just being out in the world, a concept that was mostly foreign to Cal. Outside of the occasional tranquil hike, it had been a very long time since he’d enjoyed simply living.

When June glanced over at him, she suddenly came to a halt and put her hand on his arm to stop him as well. “Cal?” she asked.

He tilted his head in response, even as he clenched his fists to keep from wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her into him.

“Are you all right?”

“Of course.”

“I mean, you probably have more important things you need to be doing other than hanging out with me. We can go back to Newton.”

Cal mentally kicked himself. He didn’t want his unsettled mood to rub off on her, but it apparently had. “No, I have nothing better to do right now,” he reassured her.

Her brows furrowed as she watched him. Finally, she said, “I’ve had a lifetime of studying people. Of figuring out what they want without them needing to say it. I know when someone doesn’t like what I’ve served them for dinner, when they’re in a bad mood . . . or when they’re simply being polite, and deep down they want to be anywhere but where they are. You don’t have to lie to me, Cal. I can tell you’re uncomfortable shopping.”

She inhaled deeply, as if summoning the courage to say her next words. “And I can also tell you’re uncomfortable around me. Take me back, and I’ll stay out of your hair for the rest of the day. I’ll talk to April tonight when I go to Chappy’s and see if she can help me find other living arrangements.”

Cal moved before she’d finished her last sentence. He backed June up two steps, until she was pressed to a brick wall behind her. They were on a fairly busy street—people were walking and driving by—but to Cal, it felt like they were the only two people in the world at that moment.

He’d messed up badly. He hated that she’d lost her excitement of just a moment ago.

“It’s not you,” he said fervently. “I just . . . being with you, watching you get more excited over a damn throw pillow than I’ve been about anything in years . . . it’s making me realize how much of my life I’ve been missing out on. You find joy in everything around you, and I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt even one iota of that emotion.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, looking at him with concern swimming in her eyes.

“No,” he said, immediately shaking his head. “Don’t be.”

“Something changed when we got to Newton,” she said softly. “We were fine in DC, then when we were on the road. But since we’ve been in Maine, you seem to have trouble being around me. I don’t know what I did, but if you tell me, I’ll stop.”

Cal’s heart dropped. It killed him that she felt that way. But she wasn’t wrong either. What changed was the fact that she was in his home—and she felt so damn right there. He’d been home two days and had already started dreaming about the future. About having her there permanently. About sharing her life. But he just couldn’t see it actually happening.

He reached out and cradled her head in his palms. She immediately put her own hands on his waist, gripping his jacket in her fists as she waited for him to say something.

Cal had planned to tell her that maybe it would be best if she talked to April about an apartment. It would be less painful if she left now than if they got any closer.

But what came out of his mouth was something completely different. Thoughts and feelings he’d buried for years.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be around you. I do. More than you could ever know. But from the second you stepped across my threshold, I wanted to bolt the door and never let you leave. You bring light and good energy into my house that haven’t been there since the day I moved in. But I can’t do that to you. Not when you’ve just gotten away from a home that was more of a prison.

“Don’t you see, June? I’m trying to give you the space and freedom you haven’t had before. I’m terrified my screwed-up psyche will damage you. Will hold you back from everything you can be.”

Cal closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Feck, this wasn’t going how he wanted. He’d wanted to reassure her that he liked being with her, that it was his life that was too messed up to deal with. Instead, he’d word vomited things he never meant to say.

She covered one of the hands still resting on her face. He opened his eyes and stared into her beautiful brown gaze.

“Can I be honest?”

“I’d be upset if you weren’t,” he told her.

“I’m scared.”

Cal frowned and immediately tensed. “Of what?”

“Everything,” June admitted. “I have maybe a couple months’ rent to my name. I don’t have a car. I only have two suitcases worth of belongings. I have no friends. I’m completely reliant on you. My stepmother and stepsister hate my guts, and I wouldn’t be surprised if right this moment, they were trying to find me to make me pay for leaving them.

“And I’ve never felt about anyone the way I do about you. Like if I don’t see you, can’t touch you, I’ll break into a million pieces and float away. I know I’m too plain, that people don’t look twice at me. I’m short, overweight, and have no fashion sense whatsoever. But my heart doesn’t care that I’ll never fit into your world. It just . . . wants what it wants.”

Cal’s mouth was so dry, he couldn’t even swallow. “What does it want?” he whispered, holding his breath as he waited for her response.

And June being June, she didn’t try to be coy. Didn’t prevaricate. She had the strength and the bravery to say what was in her heart.

“You. It wants you, Cal.”

A torrent of emotions almost overwhelmed him. Joy. Satisfaction. Possessiveness. The need to take this woman home and drag her to his bed and show her exactly how much he admired, respected, and longed for her.

“But if you don’t enjoy spending time with me—and don’t lie, I can tell you aren’t having fun right now—I’ll be okay. I’m not going to be the type of woman who begs and sobs and goes crazy. Or invents a stalker to try to get you to like me,” she finished dryly.

Cal’s fingers tightened slightly as he leaned in. “I’m going to kiss you now,” he informed her.

Her brows furrowed in confusion, but she didn’t pull away. Didn’t tell him he was being ridiculous or giving her whiplash with his mood swings. No, the hand at his waist clenched as she tried to pull him closer, and her chin lifted a fraction of an inch.

This kiss was nothing like the gentle ones from last night. He didn’t ease into it. There was no tender brushing of lips. He took her with all the desperation he felt in his conflicted soul. He should let her go, but he needed her in his arms, his bed, his life.

He took her mouth as if he was a man starving, and she was the sustenance he needed to survive. And his June gave as good as she got. She wasn’t content to passively accept what he gave her. She tilted her head to deepen the kiss and seemed to be just as desperate as Cal.

Their tongues dueled, their teeth nipped, and little moans of pleasure erupted from them both as they kissed. One of Cal’s hands eased to the back of June’s head, protecting her as he pressed her harder into the bricks with his body. The other slipped under her jacket and shirt to rest on her lower back.

As soon as his cold fingers touched her warm bare skin, she arched sharply and went a little crazy in his arms. Her fingers speared into his hair and pulled on the strands, adding a small element of pain to his passion, ramping up his need even more. Her other hand copied his own, moving to his back and finding its way under his clothes to his flesh.

He didn’t feel her touch exactly, but the sensation of her cold fingers on his shredded skin was like a bucket of freezing water to his libido. His cock, which had been hard as a pike a moment earlier, wilted, and he pulled his mouth from hers with a gasp.

They were both breathing hard, and Cal couldn’t help but notice how his hand had mussed her hair. She looked like what he imagined she might after tossing her head back and forth on his pillow as they made love.

“Cal?” she said tentatively after a moment.

He was very aware that she hadn’t moved her hand from his back, but then again, he hadn’t moved his either. They were wrapped around each other like two vines growing in the wild.

“I . . . Can you please move your hand from my back?” he whispered.

She nodded, and when she was no longer touching his skin, he felt as if he could breathe again. Feeling ashamed and weak, Cal took a deep breath and tilted his head back, looking up at the sky as he tried to control his emotions.

After what seemed like forever, but was probably only a minute or so, he looked back down at June. She hadn’t wrenched herself out of his arms. Hadn’t questioned what was happening or asked why he didn’t want her to touch him. Her knowing gaze was glued on his, and he had a feeling she’d stand there with him for as long as he needed.

“I—” he started, but she shook her head.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve known better than to touch you. Cal, what happened to you was awful. Absolutely horrific. And something I’ll never be able to understand. But as I already told you—and will keep telling you until you believe it—your scars shame them, not you. I’m not going to be so ignorant as to say you should wear them with pride. But they’re a part of you now. Your history. What makes you Cal Redmon.

“And they make absolutely no difference in how I feel about you. Wait—no, that’s not true. Knowing what happened, what they did, and seeing the man standing in front of me today? Those scars make me admire you even more. You were already someone deeply impressive. But knowing what I know about your history, about what you survived? I’m in awe of you.”

Cal shook his head. “You have no idea how bad it is,” he told her.

“You’re right, I don’t. But I still don’t care.”

Cal didn’t believe that. Couldn’t. She would care. If she saw how ravaged his skin was. How utterly disgusting the scars looked. She’d care. How could she not?

“If the roles were reversed, if it was my body covered in scars, would it make a difference?”

Everything within Cal revolted at the thought of the woman in his arms going through even a fraction of the torture he’d endured. Nausea welled up inside him, and all he could do was shake his head violently.

“Then why would you think it makes a difference to me?” she asked quietly.

Cal closed his eyes again and swallowed hard. He wanted to believe their attraction and lust would be the same after she saw him without his long-sleeved shirts and pants, but he was afraid to take that chance. Having her recoil would destroy him.

He felt June go up on her tiptoes, and he braced, making sure she was steady against him. Her lips brushed his cheek before she moved to whisper in his ear.

“I want you, Cal. Even though I know I’ll never live up to your expectations. Even though you’re light-years better than me. I want you on me, over me, inside me. If you need the darkness in order to make that happen, or if you need to be fully clothed, I’m okay with that. I’ll take you however I can get you.”

And just like that, Cal’s cock sprang to life once more. His eyes popped open, and he drew his head back so he could see her face. She was blushing again, which was so fecking precious. But he could see the certainty and lust in her gaze.

“Nothing about you could ever turn me off,” she continued, looking him straight in the eye as she said it. This woman was definitely braver than he’d ever be. “You are the sexiest man I’ve ever met. Period. You’re generous, loyal, hardworking, protective . . . in short, everything I’ve ever dreamt about in a man but never thought existed in one person.”

“You forgot wealthy and a prince,” he said, teasing her.

June was somber as she said, “No, I didn’t. Because I couldn’t give a damn about those things. I’ve seen what money can do to people—my stepmother, for instance—and I’d want you if you were nothing more than a lumberjack. And . . . truth be told, being royalty is the one thing about you that makes me want to turn tail and run. I can’t live up to that. Could never live up to your family’s expectations. And I don’t want to be a princess. I would make a terrible one. I want you, Cal. The man who makes me feel safe and free for the first time in my life.”

How could he resist that?

He couldn’t. He was going to have her.

Thenhe’d let her go. It would be shitty of him and possibly the most difficult thing he’d ever done. Even the torture he’d endured wouldn’t be as painful as letting her go. But he would have to, for June’s sake.

Cal leaned down and kissed her again. A sweet, tender kiss this time. “There’s a cute little gift shop down the road a bit that I think you’ll like,” he told her. “Then we can go to the big-box store and get the other necessities you need. I’d like to make a stop at the home-improvement store too. After that, we can head home, and you can get ready for Carlise’s bachelorette party thing. That sound okay?”

She stared at him for a long moment before nodding. “If you’re sure I’m not being a pain.”

“You aren’t being a pain. Not even in the smallest, remotest sense of the word. I’m not used to this, to shopping with no real goal in mind as to what I need to buy, but spending time with you is . . . everything. I’m enjoying it.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” he agreed.

Then he slowly slid his hand out of her hair and stepped away. But he reached for her hand and tucked it in the crook of his elbow, pressing it against his side as they started walking once more.

She leaned against him, and it was the sweetest feeling in the world to have her so close. How he’d gone from being steadfastly single and resigned to that status quo to wanting a woman so badly it made every bone in his body ache with need, Cal had no clue. But even knowing the pain would crush his soul when it was time to part wouldn’t keep him from accepting everything she offered.

Soon.

He’d prefer to give them time, to let the anticipation build, to enjoy wooing her. But Cal had a feeling neither of them would be able to wait for long. And the fact that she was willing to give him what he needed—namely, the dark—just to have him, made it even more clear that this woman was perfect for him.

Tonight, she was hanging out with her new friends, and he’d be chillin’ with his mates. Tomorrow, they’d be occupied with the wedding. June would soon meet with Meg and likely start working, and he needed to do his fair share of work at Jack’s Lumber. But somehow, someway, they’d figure out a time to connect. Cal had no doubt about that.

Just as he had no doubt that once he touched June, once she let him inside her body, he’d never be the same.