21. Brayden

Something seems off with Carson. I'm not sure what it is. We had fun at dinner. Just laughing and talking, giving each other shit. But something feels... off. I don't know how to explain it.

He's on me as soon as we get back to my place, his lips attacking mine, but it feels almost robotic. The kiss is hot, don't get me wrong, but I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong.

Maybe he's bored with all this.

He's young. Maybe he's ready to move onto the next.

"You okay?" I pull back away from his mouth just enough to ask him.

"Of course." It's clipped with no other explanation, and his voice sounds strange. But his hands go to my shirt, and he pulls it over my head quickly before removing his own.

His lips are back on mine, and it feels so damn good as his tongue strokes over mine, a sweet caress before he's nipping on my bottom lip. But I can't shake this.

"Carson..." I start, putting my hands on his shoulders to push him back a little more so I can look into his eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?" I ask again, hoping for the true answer, even if it's going to suck.

"I'm fine. Let's get naked." He grins, but it's forced. It's not his real smile, not even close. He starts to undo his jeans, but I put my hands on his to stop him. "What?" he asks, looking perplexed and annoyed.

I just stare at him, unsure what to say, and he pushes my hands away to undo his jeans and push them down and off, leaving him in only boxer briefs. "Come on. This'll be good." He reaches for me, pulling me into him and kissing me. "No talking. Just get naked. It's good to keep perspective."

I get lost in the kiss for a moment, of the feel of his skin against mine, but I finally manage to ask, "What does that mean?"

"You don't want to talk," he says, biting at my lips, hungry for the kiss, but my stomach has a sinking feeling deep inside. "We shouldn't talk about our pasts or anything other than what position we should fuck in." He kisses me hard, breathing heavily. "I'm thinking I feel like some wall sex tonight. You think your muscles are up for it?" He nips on my bottom lip. "Hold me up against the wall and fuck me stupid?"

Well shit.My cock is for sure on board, but I can't seem to get past his words before he told me what kind of sex he wants. "Why shouldn't we talk about our pasts?"

He pulls back a little, his brow cocked. "You're kidding, right? This is just pure sex." His hand runs down over my naked stomach, through the ridges of my abs. "We don't need to complicate it with talking."

The way he says talking isn't normal. He's not joking around. He's upset. I upset him when I said I didn't want to talk about Miles, I realize. "Listen... earlier at dinner... Miles. He's just a tough topic for me."

"Right," he says, but his smile is still fake, and it's starting to piss me off. His hands go for the button on my jeans. "So let's just get naked. I get it, okay?"

"You get what?" I ask, my hands on his again to stop him.

He's still trying to smile, but he just looks pissed off now. Well good. So am I. "You want me for sex. You think I'm just a kid and don't respect me, but you can use me for sex. So let's have sex," he grits out.

I swallow hard, watching him. I hurt him. I realize I hurt him, and I feel like shit. "I do respect you."

He scoffs madly at that. "Right. Are we fucking or not? Or should I just go?" He drops his hands from my jeans, but before he can take off, I grab his wrist.

"Don't go."

He remains there but doesn't speak, which for Carson is strange, I have to admit. I don't like it at all. I'm so far out of my element here. I'm used to being the loner. The older guy the other racers may look up to but don't necessarily hang out with. "Miles didn't know about Jeff being gay."

He studies me carefully, his bottom lip poked out in a small pout of confusion.

"Jeff knew his dad wouldn't approve. Wouldn't be okay with it at all and would likely kick him off the team."

"What an asshole," Carson says, just standing there in his boxer briefs, his brow furrowed.

"That he is. But we fought about it that day." My throat is thick with heavy emotions, cracking at the end of my sentence. I hate thinking about that day.

He seems conflicted now, taking one step closer to me. "You sure there wasn't anything real between you two?"

I swear I see a hint of jealousy there, but his concern is real. I grin because I get it. "We were friends. So yes, that was real. I cared about him, but I wasn't in love with him. When we hooked up, sometimes it felt wrong. Like fooling around with a cousin or something." He makes a grossed-out face and same. I chuckle. "Exactly."

"But you cared about him."

I nod, even though it wasn't a question. "We were close friends. I hated that he wouldn't tell his father he was gay. That he let his dad set him up with numerous women. It was almost like the asshole knew and was challenging him, but Jeff wouldn't tell him."

My stomach aches, thinking about our fight that day. I must look pained because he takes my hand and leads me to the couch, pulling me down next to him and into his arms. "I'm sure that was difficult."

"It was, but I fucked up. I shouldn't have pushed him to tell his dad. No one should be told when they should come out. He always wanted Miles's approval. I knew that. I shouldn't have pushed."

He hugs me tight, and I just cling to him. How he could think I still think of him as a child and that I don't respect him, I don't know. Because I respect the hell out of him. I'm quickly realizing he's one of the toughest people I know.

"I always wondered if he was distracted by our fight when he wrecked. If that was what was on his mind." My stomach aches even more, and I hang onto Carson tighter. "Miles saw us arguing. I thought he'd blame me." I stop for a minute and look into Carson's concerned eyes. "I blamed me." Before he can say anything to try to offer comfort, I go on, "I thought he'd kick me off the team, for sure, but he didn't. It's always been strained between us, but he kept me on."

"I think Miles cares more about money than anything else," he says bluntly, and I have to agree. Even if he did blame me for Jeff's death, he wasn't giving up his new top racer.

"I just hate thinking about that time. He always reminds me of it, and it puts me in a bad mood," I say honestly. "I didn't mean to shut you down."

He stares at me quietly for a moment before placing a light kiss on my lips. "I'm sorry."

I offer him a small smile and kiss him softly for a moment before pulling back and looking into his eyes. I don't want to do this anymore. Lying to myself is one thing, but hurting him is another. One I'm not willing to do. "I like talking to you. It's not just sex for me." My heart is pounding so hard and fast, I swear I can feel it in my ears.

"I like you talking to me too. It's not just sex for me either."

I nod my head, letting out a relieved puff of air. "We're in trouble here, aren't we?" I have to ask because I never saw this coming. I never saw any of this coming. Not sleeping together and definitely not...

"Like we might be a couple," he says carefully, his eyes searching mine.

I think that over. Think about all of the nights we've spent together. We haven't spent one apart in a long time. About the meals together, even when Jenny hasn't set up the reservations and told us to go. We went without anyone else on our minds. About hanging out in quiet peace, just watching Netflix together.

About staying awake at night, stroking his hair while he slept.

"Well, damn," I say with a small laugh.

He looked slightly nervous before my laugh, but it looks like he's relieved now, releasing air from his mouth. "Yeah."

"I'm okay with that, but you're ten years younger than me. Are you sure you want to be in a relationship?" Doubt starts spearing through me. I wasn't necessarily looking to settle down, but I'm definitely open to it.

"Yes, I'm sure." His chin lifts a little in defiance. "I'm not an actual kid, you know?"

"Calm down," I say with a laugh and pull him closer to me, wrapping my arms around him now. "You might have some wild oats to sow."

"That's stupid," he says with a laugh, and I laugh too, just holding onto him. Everything feels oddly right.

"But you said if you were in a relationship, you wouldn't hide it. If we're a couple, that's you in a relationship."

I stiffen at his words. At the question he isn't asking out loud but I hear all the same. I don't know if he wants to come out yet or not. He's young, and he's new. It would undoubtedly be dangerous for his career if he did.

"That was before I started dating the rookie," I say.

He looks up at me and scowls. "What does that mean? You're ashamed of me?"

I roll my eyes at him. "You're fucking ridiculous." I place a kiss on the tip of his nose affectionately and pull him back into me. "No. It means I'm not going to force you out. Ever. You decide when you want to come out. It's up to you."

I realize I'm squeezing him a little tighter now, but I can't seem to loosen my hold on him. I fucked up once, and I won't do that again. Not ever.

Now the stakes are even higher. I care about Carson more than I've ever cared for anyone.

"But you don't want to hide. No one should have to hide," he says thoughtfully, but I hear the fear in his voice. He's not ready.

And I'm oddly okay with that. I always thought if I was going to be in a relationship, I wouldn't hide them and wouldn't let them hide me. But I didn't prepare for this.

I'll never do anything to cause him harm. Not ever.

"We should keep it quiet for a bit. You're a rookie."

He huffs, and I don't know if it's because I called him a rookie or if he wanted to tell people about us. But I feel like I need to protect him.

"Trust me?" I ask, lifting his chin with my hand and looking into his eyes.

He thinks about it for a moment, but then he relents with a real smile on his beautiful face. "Yes."

"Good." I kiss him on the mouth. "We're a couple, but we should keep that between us until you and your career are ready."

He nods, resting his forehead against mine. My eyes close as I breathe him in. "Okay. But don't think I like hiding you. I don't want to."

My heart swells with his confession, and I nod my head against his. "I don't either, but we have to be smart."

"Fine. We'll play it your way." He smirks, and I laugh.

We can do this.