16. Carson

"I gotta say, I think I'm getting a little spoiled here." I lean back against Brayden's wide, hard chest, bubbles surrounding us in the large hotel tub. The feeling in the air is heavy.

I probably shouldn't have asked about his friend who died, but I couldn't help feeling curious about it. He had this haunted look on the track. Like he'd seen this before. There was fear there I never thought I'd have seen on his face, and now I know why. He has seen it before.

Only the results were grim.

A sting of jealousy goes through me, thinking about the dead man, which makes me feel like shit. But I can't really help it. He and Brayden were lovers, even if he says there were no feelings. They fooled around like we do.

They raced together like we do.

Brayden is still haunted by his death, but I also believe him. Maybe they never got a chance to be together. But if it's different and there really weren't feelings between them, what does that mean for us?

My head is swimming in thoughts, and I smile when I feel Brayden's strong arms wrap around me, his voice in my ear. "You're thinking too hard."

I grin and relax back into him. I can't believe I actually want to ask him what's going on with us. I'm twenty-one. I'm capable of a hookup with no strings. But then again, the thought of this ending makes me really uncomfortable.

There's no part of me that wants this to end. When I saw his worry today—his fear—something changed. Maybe it had even before that, but today cemented it for me. Though it probably hasn't changed for him.

Brayden is a natural leader, so it makes sense he was worried. Even if he doesn't like to show it, he cares about all his teammates. That's probably what it was, and my stupid mind is making it into something else.

Not to mention his past trauma. Of course he was a little freaked-out. It makes sense. If I'd have made Tony wreck, he probably would have punched me too.

I really need to get it together. It's not like we're in love or anything.

I laugh to myself and then turn around, sitting on my knees in the water as I face Brayden. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," I say and wrap my arms around him. "You think we could get tested this weekend?" I find his cock, standing proud and tall in the soapy suds of the bath, stroking it slowly. "I'd really love to ride you right now, but I don't want to get out and grab a condom."

His forehead rests against mine as he pants softly, clearly enjoying my hand. "We should probably wait until we get back home."

I stroke him slowly, still looking down and watching his thick cock in my hand, precum leaking from the tip. "First thing when we get home."

He grins, and his mouth searches for mine before he pulls me closer to him, our cocks grinding together as I use my hand to stroke us both. It's not long before I'm coming all over him and he's joining me.

"We kind of ruined the bath water," he says, not looking all that bothered.

"Or we made it better." I wink at him, and he smiles, looking calm. That's kind of unusual for him.

"How about a shower?" he asks, and I'm not going to argue with that. We drain the tub and climb into the large shower, kissing and touching, but not going any further than that.

I've never had this before. My hookups in the past have been just that. No cuddling really. No washing each other in the shower without the promise of an orgasm. This is different and kind of strange, but I like it.

And I'm not sure how the hell I'm going to let this go when the time comes.

After we dry off, we head to the bed, climbing under the covers, fully naked, and roll to our sides, facing each other.

We're quiet for a while, each of us lost in thought before Brayden puts his hand on my hip and looks into my eyes. "Were you scared?"

Normally, I'd play it off. Make a joke. Tell him I'm not scared of anything. I'd say anything but the truth, but it's been a long damn day, and orgasms apparently wear me out. "Yeah."

He seems surprised by my answer, probably shocked I didn't try to play it off, even knowing, of course, I was afraid. "The first wreck I had after Jeff died, I barely clipped the wall, but it sent me spinning and into another car. I thought for sure I would die."

"Were you hurt?"

He licks his lips slowly and shakes his head, his voice quiet. "No. Not a scratch. I was barely even bruised." He seems sort of... disappointed? I'm not sure what's going on there, but he looks away from me, over my shoulder toward the window. "My wreck looked worse than the one that killed Jeff, and I was totally fine."

Oh."Survivor's guilt," I say grimly.

His eyes meet mine. "I was pissed. It wasn't fair."

Suddenly, the thought of him dying hits me right in the chest, and I feel like I'm choking, like I can't fucking breathe. The thought is terrifying. I reach out and place my hand over his heart. "Don't die."

A sad smile washes over his face. "You don't die either. You're the reckless little shithead."

I grin and bark out a surprised laugh. He's totally insulting me during a serious moment. "You're an ass."

He laughs and covers my hand that's still over his heart. "I realized that day we don't really have control over anything. But I still think you need to use your head a little more out on the track."

"You know I do, right?" For some reason, it's important to me, more now than ever, that he respects me. "The bravado... it's..."

"An act?" he supplies, and I nod. "It is, and it isn't."

I roll my eyes and sigh. "I mean, I'm damn good. So yeah, some of it's very real. We have to have confidence, or we'd never get out there."

"True. But brains over balls."

I can't help teasing him, letting my hand roam down his chest and stomach. "I mean, I think I'd have to choose balls."

He grabs my hand and brings it up to his mouth, kissing the palm. "Brains are sexy too."

"Fifty-fifty," I compromise, and he just pulls me into him for a fierce kiss. Once again, my heart starts to race, and I want to ask him so many damn questions.

I want to know what all this means. I want to know what we are to each other. If this is real.

But I force myself not to speak.

It's just supposed to be some fun between sort-of friends.

I'm not going to be the idiot who catches feelings. No, thank you.

If I think he doesn't fully respect me now, wait until he finds that out. That I can't even fool around without falling.

I won't do it.

I refuse.