Chapter 32

CHAPTER 32

TRISTAN

"Oh look, Emily just got here, and Nazarene left this morning. What a coincidence," Ronan cracked as I ushered Emily in.

"Shut it," I warned him.

Emily waved. "Nice to see you, too, Ronan."

"Don't pay attention to that asshole, Emily," Atticus shouted from the other side of the kitchen.

The guys and I were having an evening barbecue at the house, so I'd invited her. Atticus had just brought in the meat he'd grilled while Ronan handled the sides, which included corn on the cob, pasta salad, grilled vegetables, and cut-up watermelon. I'd somehow gotten out of cooking, although I'd been tasked with running out to buy everything earlier.

Emily and I hadn't seen each other in a few days, since the cemetery visit and my awkward announcement that I'd given her a million dollars. Things had ended on a tense note after I told her I'd transferred the money to her mother's account.

Emily looked adorable in an aqua-colored, sleeveless top and jean shorts. She wore flip-flops that showed off her blue-painted toes. Her hair was up in a ponytail, which I secretly loved because you could see her cute little ears sticking out.

"Thank you for coming," I said, holding back my natural inclination to hug her.

"Well, you said there'd be ribs. I've never been able to turn those down."

"Actually, I think the magic words might have been ‘ Nazarene left this morning '. Am I right?"

"That definitely helped." She smiled.

She didn't seem mad at the moment, which brightened my outlook considerably.

"What's your guy doing tonight?" I asked. "You could've brought him."

She looked down at her feet. "Ethan and I broke up, actually."

My eyes widened. "Are you serious?"

Ronan snorted from somewhere behind me. I had no idea he was paying attention.

I touched her shoulder. "Let's go out back and talk."

"What happened?" I asked when we reached the yard and I'd closed the door behind us.

"You were right. I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. I'd known that for some time, and it wasn't fair to keep things going, as much as I wanted the stability of a relationship in my life. Something about him reminded me of the years I was happiest, back in high school before everything turned sour in my life. Nostalgic. And while I enjoyed his company and felt safe with him, that's not a reason to be with someone. You have to have a stronger connection. I tried. But I'm done lying to myself."

I tried not to seem overly pleased. "Fair enough."

"I take it you're not surprised."

"Can't say I am. I always felt like maybe you rushed into things with him."

"Sort of like you rushed into things with Nazarene?"

More like ran away from my feelings for you right into something I hoped would distract me. I deflected. "Anyway, I'm glad you didn't stay with him if he doesn't make you happy."

She looked back toward the house. "What's the occasion for this dinner?"

"There is none, really. Although, we did finish the album today, so we probably won't be going back to the studio again."

"That must be a good feeling."

"Yes and no."

"Why no?"

"Because now I have this pressure to head back to L.A., and I don't feel ready to leave Shady Hills. Not in the least."

Atticus opened the sliding door. "Food's ready. But no rush if you don't like it hot."

"Let's eat." I gestured toward the house. "We'll talk more later."

The four of us gathered around the rustic, wooden table in the dining room. My stomach growled as the aroma of barbecue wafted through the air. Stacks of ribs were piled high atop a metal tray. There was another plate of chicken breast and flank steak.

"There's enough food here for ten people." I laughed.

Atticus served himself. "Are you forgetting how much Ronan eats? I'm always paranoid we're gonna run out of food."

I turned to Emily. "What can I get you to drink?"

"We'll have to check your ID first," Ronan teased.

She gave him the finger. I loved that.

The sun setting outside was a nice backdrop to what turned into a peaceful meal. Emily laughed at Ronan's dumb jokes and devoured an impressive amount of ribs.

Atticus looked over at her in delight. "Here I was thinking I needed to make a lot of ribs for Ronan, but it seems Emily's the one throwing down."

She licked her fingers and shrugged.

"So, Emily…" Ronan said. "Do you know someone named Lilianne Case?"

"I do, actually. She owns the boutique in town."

"Yeah. I ran into her in the coffee shop earlier. Didn't seem fazed by me but really sweet. Put in a good word?"

"You like her?"

"I could get used to this small-town life…for the right person." He pointed his beer in my direction. "This guy's getting up there. It's only a matter of time before we all have to find a Plan B, you know?"

I rolled my eyes. "Thanks a lot."

"Just stating a fact, man."

"She's tough. Not the type of girl who'll settle for being a rockstar's wife, nor would she put up with your road antics," Emily warned.

"I wouldn't respect her if she did…" Ronan threw back some beer. "Anyway, at some point we're all gonna have to settle down and get married."

"You were married once, Atticus, right?" Emily asked.

I cringed. Atticus stopped chewing for a moment, then simply nodded.

"We don't mention Nicole around here," Ronan told her.

Emily squinted in confusion.

"Nicole is his ex," I explained. "We don't talk about her. Except Ronan who occasionally likes to risk getting his ass beat."

Atticus wiped his mouth. "Tough subject," he muttered.

Emily nodded sympathetically. "Well, that must mean you still love her?"

I gave her a warning look.

"Next topic…" Atticus said.

Emily's mouth curved into a sympathetic smile, but she stayed quiet. She seemed surprised to see this side of Atticus, who was always the roughest on the surface.

After we ate, Ronan decided we should make s'mores, something I'd not done since childhood. It seemed like a good idea at first, but I should've known that too much time with the guys was probably not the best, given how much they loved to bust balls.

"S'mores always reminds me of playing Truth or Dare with my cousins when we were younger," Ronan said as we sat around the fire.

"Sounds dangerous," I said, turning my stick to toast my marshmallow evenly.

"Let's do it," he said. "Let's play Truth or Dare."

"Not interested," I countered.

"Why? You have something to hide? Pretty sure all your secrets came out already this year."

"Emily definitely doesn't want to play," I said.

But she just shrugged, seeming not to understand how dirty my friends here liked to play.

Ronan took a bite of his graham cracker sandwich. "I'll start," he said with his mouth full of marshmallow. "Atticus, truth or dare."

Atticus rolled his eyes. "Truth."

"What really happened between you and Nicole's boyfriend the night you nearly got arrested?"

"Fuck you." He glared. "Dare."

"Really? Wow. You'd rather me dare you than answer that? You're fucking crazy."

"You're an asshole, Ronan," I shouted across the fire.

Ronan licked some marshmallow off the corner of his mouth. "You have a choice with this dare, actually…"

Atticus rolled his eyes again. "Oh, lucky me."

"You can kiss Emily here on the lips…or French-kiss Tristan."

Are you fucking kidding me?

"I didn't realize we were in high school." I shot daggers at Ronan and then Atticus. If either one of them so much as looked at Emily, I'd go insane. I was ready to rip both their heads off, if needed. There was no fucking way I was going to sit here and watch anyone other than me put his lips on her. Not that Emily would even allow him to kiss her. But what if she tried to be the good sport? Atticus was an attractive man. I was as heterosexual as they came, but I wasn't blind. Maybe she wouldn't mind kissing him.

Burning up, I marched over to Atticus and placed my hands around his face before going in for the kill, practically swallowing him whole, tongue and all.

Ronan roared with laughter as I made out with my best friend. Atticus tasted like cigarettes with a hint of beer, exactly how I might've imagined.

When I came up for air, Atticus blinked in confusion. He didn't seem to know what hit him. Emily's eyes were like saucers. Ronan was the only one who seemed amused and not in shock.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and addressed Atticus. "What did you think?"

"I'm thinking if I ever decide to swing both ways, you'll be a fine contender, sir."

I laughed and sat back down.

Ronan's stupid game continued for about twenty more minutes, with each of us having one turn in the hotseat. Emily was forced to admit which of our songs she disliked the most. I was relieved that Atticus had gone easy on her with that one. He'd done me a favor by not pulling anything stupid.

***

Later that evening, after we put the fire out, Ronan and Atticus decided to go to a local speakeasy just down the road. It was mostly old men there who didn't give a shit who we were.

Grateful for an opportunity to speak with Emily in private, I hoped she didn't want to flee the moment we were alone. After the guys left to walk to the bar, I smiled at her. "I thought they'd never leave."

"You love them, though."

"I am lucky to have them. They're like brothers at this point, even if they drive me nuts. I appreciate them coming to support me down here. We wouldn't have finished the album in time otherwise."

When she shivered, I asked, "Are you cold?"

"A little."

My body yearned to warm her up in several different ways. I tried to ignore that. I stood. "Want to head inside?"

She rubbed her hands along her arms. "Sure."

It had been a while since Emily and I were alone in a private place. The mood shifted now that it was just us. We sat across from each other in the living room.

"That was some kiss between you and Atticus…"

I chuckled. "It was, wasn't it?"

"I was totally prepared to kiss him, you know. You didn't have to do that."

I felt my insides ignite all over again. "You were, were you?"

"Yeah. I always kind of wondered what it would be like…"

My stomach dropped. Is she kidding? She kept a straight face, so I had to be sure. "Seriously?"

"No." Emily burst into laughter. "I just like watching your ears turn red."

"I was not about to let either one of those assholes kiss you." If I can't kiss you, they sure as fuck can't.

"It was strangely hot, though, you and him. Kind of wish I'd recorded it. Could you imagine how many women would die to see that? Pretty sure you'd break the Internet."

"Maybe I can use that if my voice gets worse and I need a distraction down the line."

She kicked her feet up on the couch. "What has been going on with your voice? You haven't really talked about it."

"I know. I've been trying not to think about it while I'm here."

"We don't have to talk about it, then."

"No. I should." I exhaled. "I want to talk about it. With you, anyway. You've always had a way of making me want to talk." I settled myself on the opposite side of the couch, keeping a distance. "Before I came out here, I stopped in to see the specialist in L.A. He told me one of the polyps had actually gotten a lot bigger. I've tried to ignore it, but I found myself struggling a little again in the studio."

Her lips pressed together. "I'm sorry."

"The doctor suggested I do the surgery sooner rather than later. But I'm still really confused about it."

"The risk of permanent damage is small," she said.

"How do you know that?"

"I've been reading up on it ever since you told me."

I sucked in a breath. "You think I should do it?"

"I think you should take some time to think about it once you leave here, and then you should follow your instincts. If you allow yourself enough quiet time, your intuition will tell you what to do. If this is going to continue to plague you, surgery is something you should consider."

"And what if it fucks up my voice, and I can't sing anymore?"

"Don't even think about that. What we focus on becomes more of a reality. Just think positively and believe you're gonna be okay."

"Now you sound like Ronan." I chuckled.

"If you lose your voice, you can always come back to Shady Hills and hide out. There's even a McDonald's you can go to and eat your burger at closing time." She winked.

"Ah, yes." I smiled.

"That's the dream, isn't it?"

"What's your dream, Emily? Besides the bunny-in-a-basket one I botched."

"Bertha's the dream I never knew I had." She laughed. "I don't really have a dream right now."

"Sure, you do. You must. If you could do anything you wanted, without anything holding you back, what would you do?"

"You mean, if I had a million dollars sitting in my mother's bank account that some crazy man left for me? Which I still have no intention of spending."

"Doesn't have to cost money. Just something you dream about doing."

She stared up at the ceiling. "I feel like I'm supposed to have an answer to that question, but I don't. What I want isn't tangible. The only thing I really want is a true sense of peace. Jobs and adventures don't matter as much if you have lingering dread or guilt inside you. I don't feel peace here in Shady Hills. But at the same time, I don't know where to go. I feel lost."

"Peace isn't a place," I said. "It's a state of being. You need to live in the present. We all do. Hanging on to the past is as futile as worrying about an imagined future." I patted the couch. "Like here, right now? I'm exactly where I want to be. Sitting here in this quiet house, talking to you. Not on a surgery table like my imagination would have me go. And not in the past, performing on some stage while my son was being rocked to sleep by someone who wasn't me." I paused. That one's tough to swallow. "But neither of those situations exists right now. The future is fear, and the past is regret. The only peace we have is now."

"I think you're the one turning into Ronan."

"Yeah, maybe he's been rubbing off on me."

"It's true, though. You're right. This right now, here with you…is pretty nice."

"I think that's why I've always liked being around you," I said. "Because my mind never wanders. It doesn't want to."

She rested her chin on her hand and whispered, "I feel the same, Tristan."

"Did your breakup with Ethan have anything to do with me?"

"Cocky, aren't we?" I smiled. "Are you sure you want to know?"

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't. Regardless of the answer, I never felt he was good enough for you. Then again, I probably wouldn't think anyone was good enough for you." I laughed under my breath. "Least of all me."

"Why not you? From everything I can see, you're a pretty damn good person."

"A good person wouldn't covet his dead son's girlfriend."

A tense silence filled the room.

My voice was barely a whisper. "Do you know how hard it is to sit across from you and not touch you?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Don't you have a girlfriend?"

I guess now was the right time to have that conversation. "Yeah, about that…"