Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

EMILY

The following day, Layla confronted me after lunch in the hotel.

"You never came back last night," she said.

Yeah. I'm quite aware of that. "I had a little…too much fun," I told her, determined not to admit where I'd been. I could feel my face getting hot.

She winked. "I figured it was something like that. You said you were hanging out with people downstairs. I assume you met someone interesting?"

"No one you know." My cheeks burned. "But yeah."

I felt guilty about lying to Layla. She had become a good friend, but I couldn't risk anyone finding out about Tristan and me. He pretended it didn't matter to him, but he didn't need the complication of his bandmates giving him shit or people whispering behind our backs.

"Well, next time I'll know not to worry if you don't return to the room." She winked. "Didn't think you had it in ya, kid."

I smiled, but there couldn't be a next time. After last night, I knew I had to do something. Tristan and I had crossed a line of intimacy that would be hard to come back from. I couldn't risk getting any closer to him. My lack of self-control had been eye opening. I'd lost trust in my ability to make the right decisions moving forward.

My phone chimed.

Tristan: Any chance I could convince you to come to my room and have an early dinner with me before sound check?

I was tempted, but I knew what I had to do.

Emily: I'm working.

Tristan: I can pretend to need something from you. Actually, I don't even have to pretend… I do need something from you. A kiss at the very least to get me through tonight. I can't stop thinking about you.

I should've been swooning, but all I felt was sadness. Despair. He deserved more than someone who hadn't been honest with him. My stomach felt unsettled as I typed again.

Emily: I really can't.

The dots moved around for a long time before he responded.

Tristan: Okay.

An hour later, everyone was getting ready for sound check when I arrived to drop off coffee for the crew backstage at the venue.

"Hey, you…" came a deep voice from behind me.

I turned to find Tristan standing there, looking gorgeous in his ripped jeans and a black shirt cut off at the arms. My body came alive at the sight of him.

"What are you doing here, Tristan? Don't you have to get ready for sound check?"

"I needed to see you, or I wasn't gonna be able to focus tonight."

I looked over my shoulder. "We should go somewhere else, then."

"Let's go to my dressing room," he said. "It's empty right now."

I followed him there, and we stood facing each other. He smelled like his cologne, but with a hint of something else.

I sniffed the air and narrowed my eyes. "Have you been smoking?"

He looked down for a moment. "I just had one."

"Why?"

"I was tense after our text exchange earlier. I needed to calm down."

"You were tense because of me?"

"You've got me feeling like a fucking lovesick teenager, Emily. I'm too old for this shit. When you blew me off earlier, I got a sinking feeling in my stomach." Concern filled his eyes. "I mean… Last night was amazing. Am I delusional? I need you to tell me if I'm coming on too strong. Or if I did something wrong. I feel this resistance from you. It's weird because I also feel like you really want to be around me, but something's holding you back. I'm not sure if it's more than your job here. I get that I'm not right for you but…" He exhaled.

He was hurt. I'd hurt him. As I looked into his beautiful, sincere eyes, I knew I couldn't do this anymore.

"You're absolutely right that I want to be around you. There's nowhere else I want to be when we're together. And you're also right that I'm resistant to us getting closer, but it has nothing to do with you or my feelings toward you."

He took a step back. "Oh God, this isn't the it's-not-you-it's-me spiel, is it? I thought you had more respect for me than that." He shook his head. "I'm sorry." He took a deep breath. "Just be honest. That's all I ask. I can handle the truth. If you're not interested in spending time with me anymore, I'll leave you alone. Simple as that."

This was my opportunity to cut the cord. "I can't do what we've been doing anymore, Tristan. I can't get closer to you…as much as I want to."

His phone chimed, and he looked down at it.

His eyes looked sunken when his gaze met mine again. "I'm late for sound check." He stared at me another second, then walked away.

I stood frozen in his dressing room. You've done it now, Emily.

Feeling empty inside, I made my way through the arena to the exit. In the distance, I could hear the echo of his voice. I only hoped I hadn't ruined his chance of having a good performance tonight. Although, staying here under these circumstances would now ruin his chance of having a successful tour.

During the show that night, Tristan's voice was undeniably off again. And while I knew I had no control over the physiological nature of his problem, I still blamed myself. In my heart, I knew I'd contributed to it. Just like I'd driven him to smoke earlier with my wishy-washy behavior. The smoking hadn't been good for his voice, either.

It helped that we were on buses again tonight instead of a hotel. That removed the possibility of Tristan calling me to deliver something to his room and kept the highway as a barrier between us. But it didn't seem like he wanted to speak to me anyway. He hadn't texted, which proved he was upset. Still, the fact that he was keeping his distance brought me immense relief.

It would make what I had to do tomorrow so much easier.