22. You Can Be Rain

22

YOU CAN BE RAIN

LET EM GO, MATT HANSEN

Manny

Stop 10: Nashville, Tennessee

We’re stuck in traffic. We’ve been stuck in traffic for the past two hours. We ate everything we had and now we’re counting the minutes until we get to Nashville. Cara took a nap at some point but now she’s restless in the passenger seat. She’s moving, reading, singing, dancing, and everything in between. She has gotten calls from what feels like all of Baker Oaks. Some on FaceTime, some voice messages, and some calls. She talked to Allie, Roe, and Natalie for what felt like an eternity and they just kept going back and forth calling each other names for not being in Nashville together. It was both amusing and disturbing. As soon as she hung up the phone with them, Cara’s easy smile turned sour as she whispered to me how much she wished they were here with her.

I, on the other hand, turned off my phone. Not having signal on my phone for a day back in Kentucky and completely forgetting about work while I spent time with her on the Bourbon Trail had me itching for more time disconnected from everything. I texted Gus to let him know, and I’m hoping for the best. He said, ‘fucking finally’ and that was it. If Zabana Enterprises is truly well-run, then it can survive a few days without me checking in. Or at least I hope so.

The view entering Tennessee shifted seamlessly from flat land to now a tapestry of green hills and forested areas, giving way to the urban sprawl as we approach the city. The closer we get to Nashville, the more buildings and traffic we encounter. Other than GPS indicating we’re close, the cityscape with the skylines and tall buildings emerge on the horizon. Cara gets another call, and after the loud ringtone, she answers with a perky hello.

“My girl,” the deep voice on the phone says and Cara’s whole face lights up. ?Quién cono le dice my girl?? 1 Tightening my hands on the steering wheel, I wait for her to continue the conversation because the irrational side of my brain is going full Neanderthal with uncalled jealousy right now.

“Alex! Very soon you won’t be able to call me your girl anymore, big guy,” she replies, still smiling at the phone.

“You’ll always be my girl, Carabear. Livie’s fine with that, right baby?”

“One hundred percent! I don’t want that title. Calling me Liv, and soon enough calling me your wife, is enough for me. Cara earned her title dealing with all of you stupid asses,” a girl says in between laughs.

“How’s the wedding coming along? Next week you guys will say forever. I’m pumped for you both,” Cara says softly. You can hear the pride in her voice as she shares those words.

I continue driving, pretending I’m not overly aware of their conversation. Instead I take notice of the contrast between the natural beauty of the countryside and the city as we make an entrance into the heart of Nashville.

“It’s going well, I think. Livie and her parents have done most of it. I was only given a few tasks and that’s why I’m calling, actually,” this guy Alex says. “Two things—I need to confirm if you’ll have a plus one, and…,” he pauses, “Cole and Tasha are coming together for the wedding. I know you and everyone knows they’re together but I wanted to give you a heads up. We already shifted tables so at least you won’t be sitting together. I’m sorry, girl.”

“Don’t be sorry, Alex. You have nothing to apologize for,” Cara insists but her once-cheerful voice now sounds down, almost eerie. I look her way and she forces a smile. It doesn’t reach her eyes but she continues talking. “They’re both your friends, I would feel weird if you didn’t invite them.” She’s reassuring him but her whole demeanor has changed. Her smile is smaller. Her shoulders sag. Her light is dimmer.

“I’m sorry, this whole situation is so shitty. He was so shitty to you and I’m sorry.”

“Again, not your fault. It is shitty but there’s not much we can do. Your friendship means more to me than being uncomfortable around them. ”

“I don’t know what we did to deserve your friendship but thanks for not making this whole thing harder,” he says and her face softens for the first time since he brought up that jerk. “What about the plus one?”

“Just me and my big personality,” Cara replies. I watch her eyes, careful not to crash this bus into another car and when she finds mine, I point at her phone and mouth mute it , hoping she understands.

Her eyebrows frown but she looks back down and says, “Give me a sec, Alex.” She taps her phone and looks at me before asking sharply, “What?!”

“I can go with you to the wedding,” I offer, turning left on the road as the GPS tells me to.

“No, I don’t need a pity date,” she snaps, tilting her phone down so Alex can’t see her face. Pity, there’s that word again. As if I’m not already hot at the thought of her going by herself. Then add the fact that the jerk is going to be there with the new girlfriend, fiancée, or whatever she is; but if I tell her that right now, she’ll fuss and say no so I need to play my cards right.

“I’m going to be there either way and this way I don’t stay in the room like a loser,” I reply, “You’d be doing me a favor.”

Cara shakes her head. I know she doesn’t really want me there, but maybe it’s not that she doesn’t and more that she thinks she’s bothering me. But I know the one thing she can’t refuse is when someone asks for help. I hate using her weakness against her but in this case, I will. “I haven’t asked for anything on this whole trip, Cara. Please, let me come party with you. Plus, I’ll see Jake and we can hang out while you and Allie dance the night away.”

We pull up to a quaint house nestled in a tree-lined neighborhood. The front yard is well-maintained with two small flower beds brimming with colorful blooms of wildflowers. The marked parking spot, framed by shrubs and flowers surrounds us now and after shifting the bus to park I ask, “Please, Carita?”

Her features soften as she lets out a sigh and picks her phone back up, tapping the screen and saying, “Sorry about that. Is it too late to add a plus one?”

I throw my fist in the air like I won a trophy and she shakes her head, shooting daggers my way with her eyes.

“Not at all. Does this person have a name?”

“Manuel Zabana. I gotta go, though. See you next week!” Cara shouts and hangs up the phone.

“I better go shine my dancing shoes,” I add, laughing and pretending to dance Salsa. Funny Manny is the only thing that’s left if I won’t bring the kiss up. She clearly regretted it, or at least that’s the lie she’s telling herself but we both know that’s not the case.

“You have dancing shoes?” she asks and I can tell she’s nervous or sad or anxious. Maybe a combination of the three but definitely not the upbeat Cara I’m used to. The more we’re together on this trip, the more I realize that she may show everyone her funny, sweet, kind, happy side but that’s not what fills her mind. She has these moments when I’ve seen glimpses of her life when she feels other things but she hides them. She hides her true feelings and it breaks my heart. It tears it apart because I know that she’s the first to encourage her friends and family to be honest, to feel, to talk about what they’re going through, yet she hides it all behind the ‘happy’ mask.

If there’s one thing I want her to get out of this trip, of the week we have left together, is that she should trust her people into showing them what she’s feeling. She doesn’t have to show herself as flawlessly composed all the time to be who she is.

“That was a joke. A way to get you to relax and stop overthinking it, okay?” I reach for a strand of her hair that fell out of her bun and twist it around it, tucking it into her hair tie and dropping the back of my fingers to caress her cheek. She closes her eyes, her eyelashes kissing the top of her cheeks, and lets out a breath. I give her time. Time to figure out what she wants to say or if she even wants to say anything at all. I give her time to just be. Be with herself and her feelings. Be in this space, without feeling like she needs to be anywhere else, like she needs to be something else.

“It’s okay to let it all out,” I whisper, granting her the permission she feels like she needs. She lets a breath out with a slight shake and when she opens her beautiful eyes, I can see they’re full of tears.

She blinks rapidly, once, twice, and then the first teardrop falls. She drops her face into her hands and whispers, “God, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” I soothe, squeezing her shoulder gently. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. Let yourself feel it, whatever it is that you’re feeling, Cara.”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to start crying. I just feel so stupid right now,” she mumbles, wiping her eyes with the palm of her hands.

“Cara, bebé, please stop apologizing.” Can’t she see that I would give every single dollar I have and more to be her soft place to land?

She looks up, her eyes swollen and red, and a soft smile appears on her face. “It’s okay, I’ll be fine. Let’s go inside. It’s late and I’m hungry,” she says quickly, her voice still trembling.

I shake my head, offering her a reassuring smile and adding, “You don’t have to apologize for feeling , and you sure as hell don’t have to apologize for letting me see this part of you. You don’t have to hide from me and if you want to talk I’m here. I really mean that.”

“What if I don’t want to talk about it?” she asks.

“Then we don’t have to. But the offer still stands, I’m here if you do want to and sometimes, letting it out is all you need. When was the last time you shared what you were truly feeling?” I squeeze her hand, gently rubbing the top of her soft hand.

Cara lets out a breath, placing her head back onto the pink seat and closing her eyes. There’s no sound other than the soft melody of the background music and Cara’s soft sniffles.

“You’ll think I’m pathetic,” she says softly, still with her eyes closed.

“Never, Cara, never,” I remind her as I squeeze her hand one more time.

“I just hate the whole situation, you know? Our friend group is in such a tough place with Tasha and Cole’s engagement. Everyone’s walking on eggshells around me and Allie. Allie isn’t close with most of them, so it might be easier for her, or at least I hope it is. But these are my people, Manny. I grew up with Nick, Alex, Jake, and Cole. Natalie too. Tasha joined our group later, but the rest of us go way back. They’re like my siblings as much as they are my friends. And yeah, we all thought I’d end up marrying Cole one day, except Cole himself. But now he’s marrying Tasha? Who also used to be with Jake? It’s all just too much. The icing on the cake is that all of this is happening now when we’re all going to be forced to be together. I knew it was coming, but Alex’s call made it all feel so real. I think I got overwhelmed and that’s why I started crying, but I’m okay now. I promise.”

“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize for feeling this way. I can see how heavy all of this is on you. It’s completely normal to be overwhelmed and to cry. It’s a lot to process,” I reply. “But Cara, you don’t have to pretend to be okay with any of it. The situation it’s all fucked up. It’s okay to be pissed or sad or whatever you want to feel,” I add, trying to reassure her with my eyes but my voice is betraying me because my tone is clipped as all I want to do is rip his head off.

Cara looks down at her lap, her voice barely above a whisper. “I just don’t want to be a burden. I’ve already cried over him enough and everyone’s already on edge about this. I’m done bringing everyone else around me down.”

I shake my head and add, “You’re not a burden. And also, I don’t think you even know the light that you are in everyone’s life. You don’t bring people down, you lift them up but sometimes, you need to let others do the same for you. We all need rain sometimes.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“You’re everyone’s sunshine, Cara. Pure, happy, warm. But sometimes we all need rain, and you can be that too. Show others that you are both.” I smile softly again, not dropping her eyes and getting closer to her. In these moments, these little pockets of time, I feel like nothing exists but us. I feel like she’s looking at me with more than just friendship but want or adoration. I feel like maybe she could see me as more, even if just for this trip, even if just for this moment.

“Everyone sees rain as a bad thing, me included sometimes, but rain helps things grow. Rain can cleanse. Rain can restart a cycle. What if we didn’t have rain? We wouldn’t even know we needed the sun. Bask in both, Carita. Be both.”

“Like a bracelet moment,” she whispers. I let the time pass so hopefully she can sense that I’m giving her the time she needs. I want her to share whatever she feels like sharing and I’m letting the sound be as loud as it can be right now. Talk to me, Carita. Trust in me. Then she continues, “I started collecting these because of Ollie, a student who passed away a few years ago. He was pure sunshine, Manny. He cheered everyone on and he collected his hospital bands as bracelets because he said each one reminded him he had another day to live.”

My throat is dry at this confession, at her sharing the reality of the bracelets. She told me they reminded her to slow down, but knowing why is deeper than I thought. My heart aches at the thought of what the kid went through.

“He used to walk around handing out regular bracelets to everyone when they shared a good moment. He gave me this one,” she says, showing me a thin orange bracelet she rarely takes off. “He gave it to me the day he learned how to tie his shoes. Funny how that’s such an everyday task and I didn’t think anything of it when he asked me to teach him. But to him, that was such a win. He passed away in his sleep a few months after that and to be honest, my life has never been the same. It changed my perspective on how I see things, I just need to remind myself that all moments are worth keeping, even the hard ones.”

“We learn from them all,” I agree, thinking about all the moments in this trip I’ve loved and how they’ll stay with me forever. Cara, unknowingly, is carrying on with this kid’s legacy, helping people like me slow down and appreciate it all.

She drops her gaze, and I take advantage of the moment and press a gentle kiss on her forehead. “We love the sun but we need the rain too. You carry everyone else’s highs and lows. You need someone to help you carry yours, but you have to let them see it, Carita.”

Slowly, she lifts her eyes to meet mine. The redness still lingers, but there's a softness there now. “Thanks. I guess I’m just hungry, and that’s not helping.”

I let out a soft laugh, narrowing my eyes playfully. “How about we find something to eat soon? A little food will help for sure. ”

Her lips curl into a tentative smile. “That sounds good. Dinner and drinks?”

“The perfect plan.”

1 ? Who the hell calls her his girl?