15. The Big Spoon

15

THE BIG SPOON

SO HIGH SCHOOL, TAYLOR SWIFT

Cara

I read a couple of chapters and put my book down because I want to savor the end and right now my mind is spiraling thinking about the fact that I tried to kiss Manny. I want to slap myself. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn’t, that’s what it was. I got carried away by his warm skin and the way his eyes flared when he saw my body through my soaked dress. I got completely carried away by how his scent blended with the rain—my favorite smell in the world—and how he seemed to swallow hard every time I laughed. I hate that he has this effect on me. Making me lose all my bearings. And now we’re sleeping in this tiny van and I’m about to lose my shit with him so close and over the fact that I’m lusting over Allie’s little brother.

He’s sitting across from me, his feet crossed in front of him and his laptop on his lap as he types quickly. He looks serious and annoyed, and the only time I’ve seen this side of him is when he’s working. I feel sad. Nobody should get this tense and upset about a job they’ve invested so much of their life into. Nobody should be this upset about what’s supposed to be their dream. His hard work should bring him joy or at the very least fulfillment.

“Manny, why don’t you take a break from your job I still don’t fully understand?” I ask, jokingly and setting my book to the side and patting the empty spot on the bed. “Bring me a sandwich too, pretty please.” The rain has slowed down outside but it’s still enough that there’s a gentle patter dancing on the roof. It’s soothing, and watching it fall outside the dark windows is an awe-inspiring display. I love the rain and I love its sound. I could stay here forever and live happily ever after.

“Sure,” he sighs, closing his laptop and grabbing the leftover food from earlier and setting it on the bed. He sits on the opposite end and looks out the window. His expression softens immediately. “Do you want to understand?”

“It depends—do you love your job, Manny?” I ask, reaching for the sandwich and chips he’s handing me from the brown paper bag.

He takes a slow sip of his water before answering, “I’m good at it.”

“That’s not what I asked,” I say, my curiosity piqued and patiently waiting to see if he’ll dodge my question.

He pauses, looking thoughtful. “I don’t think anyone really loves their job, Cara. It’s something we do, and we make the best of it. I get a rush when I see a client’s portfolio grow, and there’s something deeply satisfying about helping people reach their financial goals. But as for loving the job itself? I’m not so sure about that.”

I shake my head in protest. “I do. I do love my job. There are things about it that I hate—like how severely underpaid we are or how some policies don’t have the best interest of the child, or how some parents struggle to get their kids the support they need because of misinformation. But I love it so much. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. It sure as hell doesn’t make me a grumpy pants every time I think about it,” I add, popping a chip in my mouth and waiting for his reply.

Manny closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Grumpy pants?”

“You’re all fun and games all the time but the minute ‘Manny-the-Business-Owner’ is activated, you turn into a grump. It’s not on brand for you,” I scold.

“It’s not the job itself,” Manny groans, frustration clear in his voice. “It’s this one client who’s been a real pain in my ass. He’s giving me hell over his portfolio, especially since I’m on vacation. But I just checked it again, and everything’s looking great. Now he’s insisting on a face-to-face meeting, but honestly, there’s no need for that.”

“So just tell him to fuck off,” I suggest.

“I wish I could,” Manny replies, shaking his head. “But he’s a major client. I’ve got to handle this carefully.”

“Don’t you have a bunch of those? A bunch of big clients? Nobody who disturbs your peace deserves your attention and heart,” I insist and as soon as the words come out, I realize how much of a hypocrite I am. How messed up I am in the head that I can see it clearly in someone else’s life, but when it was my life that was absolute hell, I never saw it happening.

In the moment, I never saw how bad Cole was to me. How shitty he behaved half the time. As long as I was enthralled by him and I didn’t want anything for myself, he was fine. But the minute I spoke about something I wanted to do or a career I wanted to pursue, I was being selfish or he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I can pretend in front of everyone to be this happy-go-lucky ray of sunshine, but the truth is that with Cole, I always felt like I wasn’t enough. Like I needed to try harder. I needed to look prettier and grow up faster. I always felt that even at my very best, he still saw the worst in me. But of course I didn’t see that until he proposed to someone else and I drove myself sad over it. Beyond sad, I thought I was worthless. In a hole of despair. Over what? A shell of a man whom I loved?

“Yeah, you’re right but it’s also a business. A business I own with Gus and I can’t let him down either. I’ll figure this one out, don't worry your pretty little mind,” he says. Taking his shoes off and climbing on the bed—the tiny bed.

I throw my trash onto the ground and make a mental note to pick it up tomorrow. When I look over, I laugh hysterically at the sight. Manny’s legs are dangling off the bed, and half of his upper body is resting on the side of the van’s wall. This vintage microbus was in a junkyard when I found it. I really really wanted it and I asked around at school about mechanics until Colleen told me she knew someone who could work on it, and he turned it into a dream. It’s fucking iconic and it gives cozy nostalgic Barbie vibes. The bed can fold up into a sofa, and I’ve always dreamed of using it to sleep under the stars in the middle of nowhere. But I never imagined it would end up being used by a gigantic man I’m not sleeping with.

I fit just fine and if I’m being honest, Cole would’ve too. At five-foot-nine, Cole isn’t that much taller than me, and considering that I’m a cuddler, there wouldn’t be a need for space. But Manny? He’s tall and broad and taking up so much space it’s borderline comical. He’s laying back with one arm tucked under his head but half of his body is clearly not going to fit and it can’t be comfortable at all.

“Manny, Jesus, just come here,” I plead, wriggling back on the tiny fold-out mattress. The bed is adorned with a faded orange cover and surrounded by my favorite things I’ve collected, and it seems even smaller with each passing moment. The walls, lined with colorful bead curtains and painted flowers, feel like they’re closing in as I try to make space.

“I’m good, really. Just go to sleep,” Manny says, his voice muffled as he tries to make himself comfortable on the narrow bench that converts into a bed.

“Don’t be stubborn, please,” I insist, my voice tinged with desperation.

He turns to face me, his expression a mix of frustration and concern. “Even if I scoot over, there’s just not enough room. Please, just drop it.”

I take a deep breath, feeling the tension and the emotional distance between us. Then, before doubt can creep in, I blurt out, “I have an idea.”

I roll over, turning my face away from him and going into fetal position—child’s pose if we were in yoga class—and lift my arm, waiting for him to give me his.

“What are you doing?” Manny asks.

“Give me your arm, be a big spoon and we’ll fit.”

“No,” he says sharply. Thunder rumbles in the distance again. I don’t have the patience to deal with this, I just want to go to sleep. I know he’s probably wary after that almost kiss we just experience but I hope this is the olive branch we need for him to see I can be respectful.

“Manuel Zabana, please don’t make me argue with you right now. Come on.”

“Cara, no,” he snaps.

“I will throw a giant fit, Manny. And trust me, I know how to nag until I get my way. I’m a daddy’s girl after all. Come on, just give me your arm.”

So fucking stubborn. He doesn’t move so I turn again, grabbing his arm and trying my best to pull him over my body. He lets me, because there’s no way I’d be able to move him without his help, and when I do, I put my body in the same position as before. “See? You just need to do the same and we’ll fit.”

He huffs but eventually bends his body to mold against mine. And though I knew we would fit on the bed, I just didn’t realize how perfectly we would fit together . My head is right on his chest, letting me hear his steady heartbeat. His chin rests over my head and even though I can’t see if he’s comfortable or not, I can feel his body relaxing against mine so I’ll take it that he is. His usually hard muscles don’t feel as hard when he lets me put his hand around my belly or when his knees fit perfectly behind me. And to top it off he’s wearing the bracelet I gave him, making a perfect contrast with his skin and adding even more to how perfect this moment is. Perfect is the only word I can think about and I don’t know how to feel about it. I close my eyes repeating that word over and over in my head before drifting to sleep.

I open my eyes with light streaming through the window and something hard against my back. I try to move but there’s also something heavy over me. I let out a big yawn and then everything about yesterday comes rushing back. The Wilds, the picnic, the rain, and oh my God, I tried to kiss Manny and then told him to spoon me. What in the actual fuck, Cara?! I suck in my belly and try to slide off the bed when Manny’s body tenses and he turns away from me suddenly. Great.

“Good morning, sugarplum!” I say, hoping to ignore the fact that his giant boner practically woke me up this morning.

“Good morning to you too, sunshine!” he whispers, voice groggy with sleep and ignoring the problem between his legs. Phew, okay, we’re both ignoring it then.

I get up from the bed and search my bag for a pair of shorts because I went to bed without wearing any and then asked him to cuddle me. Good thing I don’t inspire anything in him other than friendship because that would’ve turned out pretty steamy otherwise. I clearly need to let out some tension if I’m going to make it the rest of this trip without asking him to fuck me. Would he even say yes? Probably not. I’m not his type and he already told me no to a kiss, he definitely won’t say yes to more. It’ll be fine, everything will be fine. We’ll go to a bar and I’ll get drunk and into someone’s pants as soon as possible.

“I’m going to go watch the rest of the sunrise.” I grab my blanket, my phone, and a pair of sandals before stepping outside. I walk toward the water, and there’s a giant lake that I couldn’t see last night with the rain and how dark it was. But in the morning light it’s breathtaking. The soft orange light of dawn stretches across it, bathing everything in a beautiful golden hue. I wrap the blanket around me and stand in awe of the sight. Little birds chirp in the distance and the gentle rays of sunshine warm the water’s surface.

I hear some twigs snap and leaves rustle behind me, followed by the intoxicating blend of earthy-spicy scent of Manny. I look to the side and find him standing there, his hair disheveled and his shirt wrinkly but he looks like a walking advertisement. I smile at him and turn back around to watch the rest of the sunrise.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” I ask.

“Stunning,” he replies, his voice just above a whisper. When I look over he’s not looking at the sun rising, or at the water’s changing reflection as the sun gets higher in the sky.

He’s looking at me.

I can feel my cheeks warming, surely shifting to a darker color and my breath catches but I won’t think more into this—I will let it go. I smile at him, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear, and turning around to finish watching the sun and its slow but steady ascent.

“Where to next?” I ask.

“You’re the one with the lists,” Manny replies as he bumps my hip with his, settling my heart and stopping me from spiraling.

“You have a list of your own, hotshot. Where to next?”

“Are you ready for some whiskey?” he asks.

I snap my head back, mimicking his habit, and smile at him before saying, “Lead the way!”