10. My Toesies Need Some Dirt

10

MY TOESIES NEED SOME DIRT

STARGAZING, MYLES SMITH

Cara

Manny’s call seems to have stressed him out so I didn’t want to push when he sent me on my way to the river. The path between the tent and the river is beautiful. Trees, bushes and flowers framing the slight descent to a trail. The tree’s canopies cast shadows on the ground making the area cooler. The scent of damp leaves and flowers is subtle and welcoming. Like I’m Alice walking through the forest on the way to Wonderland.

I’m sitting on the riverbank with my bullet journal, jotting down the adventures from today. I take a quick picture of the journal with the river in the background and post to my Instagram stories with a little text that says ‘adventuring.’ I post on social media often. Some people say I post too much but I like to share my life with people even if we don’t talk every day. I’ve gotten a lot of followers from adults who want to prioritize time outside, too, so this will be perfect for them. After that, I go back to the journal to add doodles to the page and check the itinerary for tomorrow. I hear footsteps behind me and when I look, I see Manny jogging slowly toward me.

“Carita!” he shouts, plopping his body next to me. Carita —the damn nickname he gave me ages ago. I don’t hate it but it makes me feel like a little sister as opposed to a woman—a woman he might be interested in.

“Hi, welcome back!” I add and smile at him.

“Whatcha doin’?”

“Doodling in my journal. How was your serious call, Mr. Business Man?” I add, changing my voice to mock him when I call him a businessman.

“It was as fine as a business call could be,” he adds and his playful tone before now sounds serious.

“Hey, it’s okay if you have to work, Manny. You’re already doing so much and going above and beyond. Really, if you need to, go ahead. I’m sure this is the longest you’ve been away from work in a while, right? That’s what Allie is always complaining about,” I urge, setting my hand on top of his thigh. I used to be like that too.

He takes a deep breath before answering, “I’m not going to lie. I usually don’t take time off but maybe it’s needed now. I will have to work some but not too much. Palabra de honor? 1 .” He kisses two fingers and lifts them up like swearing or taking an oath.

“Goofball,” I tease and we both laugh.

He grabs three rocks from the ground and skips them one at a time on the river. After the last one, he pauses with his knees up and his eyes locked on the water. The river’s gentle flow of clear water creates the best background music anyone could ask for and I take a minute to appreciate how lucky I am that I get to spend so much time in nature today. “You know, if you truly mean it, it could be so good for you,” I murmur after a moment.

“What could?” Manny asks, not stopping skipping the rocks over the otherwise calm river. Growing up, I don’t think he ever sat still for more than a few minutes. There were days in some of the vacations where I would find him sitting by the water, just like this, looking at it, skipping rocks, or even just dipping his toes in. Where did that boy go? When did he grow up into a man who forgot life’s meaning and to slow down to appreciate the idle time? When did he stop noticing the pockets of time in between life’s chaos?

“Taking a pause. Taking time off. Enjoying being outside. Dipping your toes in the water. Feeling the breeze on your face. Thinking about nothing but everything at once. Letting the day tell you what to do and where to go without worrying about people thousands of miles away from you who wouldn’t care at all if tomorrow you never called again. A job is always replaceable, even when you’re the boss,” I urge, locking my eyes on his and swallowing hard before adding, “but your life, your health, and your mental space can’t be. Take care of it.”

I reach over to squeeze his hand and after a second he nods silently, before going back to skip his stones.

“Are you ready to head back and wash up for dinner?” he asks and I nod. Manny gets up, offering me his hands to help me get up from the ground. When I place mine in his, a spark rushes through my fingers but before I can think twice about it, he pulls hard, lifting me in a quick swoop and dropping my hand as soon as I’m standing. I immediately observe how cold my hands feel without Manny touching them. We walk up the trail through the mix of evergreens and tall trees with their leaves whispering softly in the breeze.

Dinner was amazing. The barn had a candlelit dinner set up family-style. Beautiful picnic tables were lined up outside with live music and wine. I danced as much as my feet let me and drank until Manny told me that if I wanted to walk back to the tent, I should stop. I should’ve listened sooner, because we’re on the way back to the tent and I want nothing to do with walking.

“Wait, let me take my shoes off,” I cry, pulling the long strap wrapping my calf and untying my sandals. I hate shoes. I hate wearing them and half the time they’re just a pretty accessory. These sandals are cute and comfortable but after wearing them for hours, I’m done.

“What if something bites your toes?” Manny asks and I laugh because I think he’s joking when I should know he’s being as serious as a heart attack.

“Whatever it is could bite me with my shoes on, too. Look,” I boast, wiggling my toes in my sandals to show him how close they are to the ground.

“Oh, I know, Cara. I wasn’t able to pull my eyes away from those pretty dancing feet all night.”

I know without looking at myself in a mirror that I’m blushing. Manny is such a flirt, always has been, but being on the other side of his sweet little comments always makes my heart do a somersault. In high school, he often made comments like that in front of me but rarely toward me. Maybe it’s because I dated Cole for so long they were never geared at me. But when Manny would flirt with me I got that same feeling I’m getting right now: giddy, excitement, and fun. Nothing has ever happened between us, of course, and nothing ever will. But sometimes I wonder if he can back up all that talk. I wonder if he's a shameless flirt or if he truly means it.

“Then why didn’t you dance with me, hotshot?” I ask while I unwrap the straps of my other gladiator sandal. I opted for a flowy sundress today with these sandals which wrap up all the way to my knee. My dress is really short, so shorts underneath were a must. I was very glad for my choice when I stood up to dance and my dress whirled up with my first twirl. I’m sure my thick legs were all on display.

“I only dance Merengue, Salsa, and Reggaeton. And none of the dancing tonight was any of those. Also, if you wanted me to dance with you, you could’ve asked.”

“I always want to dance. Take that as an open invitation.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yup, for the future.”

He pauses to look at my sandals now in my hands and shakes his head. “Are you really going to walk barefoot in the dark?”

“Sure will!” I shout.

Manny lowers himself in front of me in some sort of squat, making him look like a horse as he offers, “Come on up, sunshine. Hop on.”

“Manny, please. Why? I can just walk,” I whine because what in the actual world does he expect—for me to just hop on his back?

“Come on, I don’t want something to eat your pretty toes,” he urges.

“No, thank you.” Giggles escape me as I shake my head and smile at him.

“Do I need to dare you to do it, Carita?”

I put my hands on my hips and square my shoulders as I groan, “If you dare me, Manny, you have to play too. ”

“I’m already here because of a dare. I’m not afraid to play. I dare you to hop on my back, Cara.”

Oh for fuck’s sake . I hop on his back, and he slides his big hands under my butt. With a quick boost, he pulls me higher on his back and then he sprints toward our tent.

“Manny!” I shout. “What are you doing? AH!” I scream but it’s more of a loud laugh than anything.

“I didn’t go for a run this morning so this will do,” he shouts over the silence of the forest. We’re so going to get kicked out of this place if we’re not quiet, but I can’t help but laugh non-stop until we make it back to the tent.

Manny puts me down, my feet touching the damp grass right outside our fairy-light-illuminated tent, and he lets out a loud laugh before putting his hands on his knees. That laugh . That wasn’t his usual one. His careful and polished laugh. This one came from deep in his tummy. It rumbles through space and bounces deep into my core. I freaking love that laugh, I decide.

“Manny, shh! It’s past ten, it’s quiet time around the tents,” I press, bringing my hand to his mouth because he won’t stop.

He scoops his hands around me and picks me up, cradling me against his chest and walking us toward the black chairs next to our tent. I take my hand off his mouth and stare at it instead. I clear my throat and look away right before he sits me in one of the chairs. Manny walks to the other, sitting and resting his head on the top of the chair and laughing again, this time softer.

“Wow!” He lets out a loud breath and closes his eyes. “I haven’t done that in so long.”

“You’re in the habit of running around with a girl on your back through the grass, Manny?”

“Hahaha, no. I haven’t laughed like that in a while,” he shares, opening his eyes and keeping them locked on the sky. Why not? I think. Because with a laugh like that, I would laugh all the time.

I do the same and lay my head back, looking up at the sky and seeing how clearly I can see the stars. These crisp nights, when the sky transforms into this starry canvas of twinkling lights, give me a sense of awe greater than most things. It’s the perfect reminder that we’re a tiny part of this entire galaxy. It makes my problems and issues seem so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It’s such a good feeling when all I’ve thought about for years is about how much of an inconvenience I was. But how can you be anything but precious when you’re part of this magical world?

“You should do it more often. It suits you,” I add, smiling at no one but the glittering tapestry of shining stars above. The serene silence around us echoes with the burbles of the river in the background and the crickets and other critters serenading us makes this moment perfect as it is.

“Yeah,” he muses softly, letting out a deep breath. “There’s never enough time.”

“There’s never enough time for what?” I ask, my voice breaking as I try to contain my emotions so he doesn’t see how sad it makes me that, at less than thirty years old, Manny has stopped living.

“For stopping to notice the calm. To notice the beauty. To notice it all.”

“But there should be, Manny. We never know when our days will be over, or when our time will pass. We will never know when our last moment will be so why don’t you try to make the best of them? You’ve given your work your all. Don’t you think it’s time for you to give yourself all of you too?”

His gaze is still locked on the sky but a silent tear slips from the corner of his eye, glistening in the dark night.

“I know it’s hard to put yourself first but maybe you just need a reminder,” I continue, pulling a bracelet from my arm. “Here.”

Manny tilts his head to face me and when his eyes meet mine, I lift my hand to him. I reach out to grab his hand and turn it palm up, placing the pink stretchy bracelet on his palm.

“These always remind me to take a breath and slow down. To count the stars, to smell the flowers, to dance to good music, and to sing my favorite songs. They remind me to leave work on time and to put my phone away after a while. Now you can remember, too.”

His eyes glisten with emotion as he slides the bracelet onto his wrist. As much as I’m glad he accepted the band, I hope he doesn’t ask why I started wearing them. It’s not that I don’t want to share, but I fear this moment is already so heavy and I’m not sure I’m ready to unpack it all.

He stares at his wrist before looking back up at me, “Thank you, Carita.” Carita. The nickname again but this time it feels nothing childish. It feels like a code word to let me know he hears me. To let me know he sees me.

“Twelve,” he shares before laying his head back on the chair and looking up at the sky.

“Twelve what? Stars?” I ask, slightly confused.

“It’s like you were kissed by them,” he adds and now I’m even more confused.

“Manuel, you’re going to have to use more words than that or explain a little better.”

Manny chuckles softly. “Your freckles, Carita. You have the same amount of freckles as stars in the sky.” He looks so at peace as he says that, so calm, like he didn’t just say the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me or like he didn’t just speak pure poetry.

I bring my hand to gently touch the bridge of my nose. My freckles are barely noticeable, and for him to have counted them is more than I can handle or acknowledge right now.

I wait for the spell to break, but it doesn’t. Manny just keeps looking up at the sky. He looks so restful that I grab my phone from the small pocket in my dress and snap a picture of him. It’s absolutely perfect. The moonlight illuminates his olive brown features. His dark soft curls and his dark shirt are in contrast with the soft lights behind him and his smile—his beautiful smile—shines as bright as all the lights around him.

“Counting stars, Manny?” I ask, tucking my phone back in the pocket.

He brings his eyes to me this time, smiles, and replies, “Yeah, now there are thirteen that I can see.” His intense stare doesn’t leave my eyes and even though I’m fully clothed, I feel naked under his sight. As if somehow, he can see all of me. Like he can see through me.

“Maybe you should make your own summer bucket list,” I tell him, my voice shaking and my throat dry.

“Maybe I should,” he agrees. He clears his throat and stands up, giving me his hand to help me get up but when he sees my feet again, he shakes his head. “Do you want me to carry you in?”

“Nope, let my toesies get some dirt, please.” He smiles at me and nods and we walk down the path and up the wooden steps.

Manny opens the door for me. The air is cool inside in the dimly lit room and a shiver runs down my spine, making my whole body aware of how chilly it is here. There’s no way I’ll be able to sleep in the pjs I brought so I go through my bag and grab a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt. Even if it’s summer, I always bring a sweatshirt with me for comfort and to keep me warm and toasty, like a marshmallow .

“I’m going to get dressed for bed,” I tell Manny, walking into the bathroom and clicking the door shut behind me.

1 ? Scout’s honor