Chapter 38: Ashtaroth

I find myself regretting this plan before I even implement it fully. This is what happens when I listen to my son's unsolicited advice.

Sariel claimed that I should take Lana on a ‘date'. As if I need to woo my woman with more than my sexual prowess and every luxury she could ever desire. But… what if he is correct? He does have experience with modern humans which I have been sorely lacking these last several millennia. Since Father banished the first Fallen from the radiance of the sun, I have hardly ever allowed myself to be summoned Above. Not that I would have been observing the nuances of human desires even if I could walk their realm freely. No, it was not until I saw a Nephalem with red in her hair and freckles on her face that I wished to le arn more about Father's favored children. Admittedly, I was drawn to her posterior first – I am who I am and even my lamb's incredible prowess of getting under my corporeal skin has not changed that.

At this very moment, there is a picnic basket set atop of a picnic blanket under one of the mightiest trees in my realm – a rather soggy realm, with a soggy ground, hence the tree.

My kitchen master assured me he would not disappoint this time and has prepared the scene with meticulous care. There are red roses, which I was told now symbolize love. Last I knew, red roses denoted sacrifice and bloodshed, but apparently I am ‘living in the Stone Age'. Then there is chocolate and I have to wonder when that primitive currency became known as an aphrodisiac. Lastly, there is champagne. How fermented wine which notoriously exploded bottles has come to represent the pinnacle of beverages among lovers is a mystery greater than the creation of the universe (no, we do not know either, but it is certainly not as far back in history as humans believe).

"Why exactly are we trudging through the fog this early in the morning?"

Lana's question makes me doubt any benefits this excursion might have when it comes to her feelings for me. Surely this is not the way to make her fall in love. Feasting on her cunt for a day straight until she pleads for mercy has to be more effective and also more enjoyable for the both of us.

"We are ‘trudging' because using the ether to travel is detrimental to your wellbeing. It is only a moment longer, sweetness, under the tree up ahead."

"What is? And what tree?"

I grind my teeth together. This is ridiculous. I call up a breeze to sweep the fog away, revealing the designated picnic spot.

"That tree," I say with a measure of smugness. The servants did well. A soft blanket is surrounded by thick burning candles, which cast a warm glow on the closed woven basket.

"Wow," Lana sighs softly. Perhaps this will be good for us after all. I barely start towards the tree again, when I hear an out-of-place thud behind me. Turning, I am met with the scene of Lana on all fours, her gaze both bewildered and embarrassed, having clearly tripped over some critter's den.

"You are grace incarnate." Smirking at her clumsiness, I pick her up and cradle her soft, warm body in my arms. Much better.

"I do seem to have the best balance when I'm in a fight for my life, don't I?" Her mischievous grin allays the spike of fear in my chest by only a fraction. I must ensure she is never in a fight for her life again. Somehow. I walk past the border of the candles and set her down next to the basket.

"Did you do all of this?" I can all but see the hearts in her eyes, remembering a ‘meme' Sariel once showed me on a stolen mortal's portable telephone device.

Being completely honest with your partner is something loudly touted by human relationship experts. I have read about the disruptive power of lies in a marriage. Not that we are married.

"Yes." I dip my chin to relay my (fake) humbleness.

"It's wonderful, Ash." Lana takes my hand into both of hers and caresses it affectionately. This is clearly working! By the day's end, she will be hanging on to every word I say. "It's just not very…" I look at her from under my lashes, not moving my face an inch. What could be missing? "I mean, it's not very archdemoney, you know?"

I chuckle, attempting to disguise the sigh of relief I expel. "I merely wanted to take you on a date."

She narrows her eyes. "Uh-huh." I widen mine. Uh-oh . "Thank Sariel for me." I shut my eyes altogether. She is too perceptive to be easily fooled.

"Very well, it was Sariel's idea, and the kitchen servants set everything up," I admit.

Her smile is as brilliant as I remember the sun to be. Or Heaven. "What matters is that you're the one here with me." I cannot help returning her smile and her expression turns dreamy. She leans forward and brings her face close to mine. "You are so beautiful," she murmurs. I can feel the whisper of her soft lips against mine and the warmth from her breath.

Suddenly she flinches with a sharp inhale, nearly crashing our noses against each other. We both look at the picnic basket which just moved on its own. It shudders again and I place it before me, prepared to protect Lana from whatever threat is held inside. Materializing my sword in one hand, I use the other to open the basket's lid.

Lana yelps as Puck scrambles out, blinking into the only slightly brighter light of day. His belly is hugely distended and I grab him by the scruff of his neck before he can run off. Lana peeks inside the basket and scrunches her nose. "Looks like he ate most of the strawberries. There are a few trampled ones left behind. Oh, and the chocolate looks like Swiss cheese."

I very slowly turn my glare onto the small demon. He tries to extricate himself from my grasp in jerky movements and his round black eyes are full of fear. Dematerializing my weapon, I instead call up a ball of fire. No one has mentioned that barbeque is not an aphrodisiac.

"Wait," Lana laughs at the soon-to-be murder scene in front of her. She is clearly not taking me seriously. "We'll just have some strawberries and chocolate brought down later."

I stare at Lana, attempting to gauge just how upset she would be if I annihilated this imp. Puck, sensing where his deliverance lies, now struggles to reach her, tiny arms straining in her direction. The way my little lamb's eyes soften as her mouth gently opens lets me know that, damn it all, I cannot immolate the pest. Today.

As I release the imp, he flies into Lana's arms, his bat-like wings nearly smacking me in the face.

"There, there," she soothes the two-legged calamity. "The big bad archdemon isn't going to hurt you."

I raise my brows and fix her with a droll look. "Lana, he has lived with me for decades. He knows very well that, were it not for you, his innards would be hanging off the branches above us." Then again, if it were not for her, neither I nor the imp would be here. She scowls at me while still gently patting the imp's back as if it were an infant. How am I supposed to woo her when my first course of action will always be chaos and slaughter?

"Well then." Her smile is a devious thing. "You'll just have to ask yourself WWLD before you give into the impulse and choose violence. What would Lana do?"

I scoff in affront. "That is ridiculous, you are..." The look on her face stops me in my tracks. Her eyes are completely narrowed. "And I am…" Now she is pressing her lips together as if begging for patience. "Would you like some champagne?" I finish.

"Why, I'd love some."

Wonderful, that is… wonderful. It is all going wonderfully.

I take the bottle of chilled sparkling wine out of the basket. When I see the cork, I reach back into the basket in search of the corkscrew. It does not take me long to realize the kitchens did not pack one. Or champagne flutes for that matter. WWLD? Massacring all of them is likely out of the question, but some mutilation is surely called for. I exhale slowly through my nose.

"What's up?"

"No corkscrew. Or glasses. Or plates, not that the latter matters anymore."

Lana places Puck on the blanket before jumping up with much enthusiasm. "Bet I can open it with the ether! I am pretty good with air."

I look at her, then back to the cork before reluctantly handing it over. "Be careful not to –"

But I am too late. Lana attempts to open the bottle right where she stands. I manage to throw a quick shield of ether over her before the top of the bottle explodes from too much pressure. Lana jumps back in surprise, having clearly overestimated her fine motor skills with ether. She trips over one of the fat candles and kicks it atop the woolen blanket. Puck chirps in alarm before darting towards the fortress, just as the blanket catches fire with a whooshing sound. Lana, still protected by my shield, scurries back on her elbows .

Surrounded by the inferno, I observe the wicker basket bursting into flame. I could extinguish the blaze, but I find it a fitting end to this disaster of a picnic. I walk out of the fire, until I am standing above my baffled Nephalem.

I lean down and pull her up by the front of her shirt. As I'm crowding her towards the trunk of the tree, she gazes up at me with a delicious expression – part fear, part lust. My cock is instantly rock hard and she feels it too, judging by the gasp she unleashes as I press her back against the trunk with my front. In a moment she will feel it inside her as well.

I lean down until our faces are level. "Now we're doing this date my way."