Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

WATT

“Oh, God, how does this series just get better with every rewatch?” Chris sighed, sinking back into my couch. “John Ruffian in a pearl-snap shirt and tight jeans as he pretends to be a sheriff? And all the delicious tension between him and the suspicious deputy? Ten out of ten gay stars, no notes. I think that might be my favorite episode.”

Ollie leaned forward to pick at the huge “Fall Charcuterie Experience” that Chris had brought over. “Cutie, you said that two episodes ago, when John pretended to be a teacher. You can’t have two favorite— Oh my God,” he groaned as he popped a bite of food in his mouth. “What is this?”

Chris laughed from his usual nest of pillows and blankets on the floor. “Caramelized onion and fig dip. One of my new fall offerings at Cheese and Charm. Good?”

“Mmpfh. I changed my mind. Keep making this dip and you can have as many favorite episodes as you want.” Ollie looked at me. “Right, Watt?”

I grunted. It probably made me a terrible friend, but I’d barely been paying attention to their conversation because I was too busy replaying my earlier conversation.

“ Let’s just call it off ”? “ Pretend it didn’t happen ”?

What had happened to “ friends ’til the end ” and “ I won’t fuck it up this time ”?

“…next episode. Right, Watt?”

“Hmm?” I glanced at Chris, who was watching me expectantly. “Yes. Sure.” I waved a hand at the television. “Go ahead.”

Jasper had been acting off all week—tense, tired, smiling a little too broadly, and trying a little too hard. I’d thought, at first, that it might have been lingering awkwardness from our kiss at the dock—fuck knew I felt awkward about it—but our banter had flowed, and he’d seemed comfortable around me, so I’d chalked it up to actual fatigue. I’d been skating practically since birth, and even I found it physically demanding to do a full practice after putting in a full day of work, and I wasn’t going to Tam’s most nights for mentoring.

Now, I was wondering what—or who—else had been keeping him up at night.

“…probably aliens, don’t you think, Watt?” Ollie demanded.

“Hmm?” I blinked up at the sound of my name, but I had no idea what he was talking about. Was there a John Ruffian episode about aliens? “Er… yeah. Good call.”

Ollie pointed an accusing finger at me. “I knew it!”

“You haven’t been paying attention at all, have you?” Chris sounded reproachful.

I winced. Busted . “Sorry, guys. Woolgathering. Let’s start the next episode.”

“We coooould,” Chris said. “But would you rather talk about why you’re looking so upset? We’re really good listeners, you know. And we won’t judge.” He elbowed Ollie’s shin. “Will we?”

“Weeeell. Possibly a little judgment?” Ollie held up his thumb and forefinger.

“Oliver!” Chris slapped his leg.

“I’m being honest. And Watt knows I’d only judge him with love.”

I snorted. “Because of the sacred bonds of friendship , as John Ruffian says? No, thanks. I have nothing to discuss.”

“Not a single thing?” Ollie pursed his lips. “Because I heard you were arguing with the hot new hockey coach at Derry’s practice a week ago. That seems discussion-worthy.”

“And very un-Watt-like,” Chris added solemnly.

I rolled my eyes, glad Derry was at Rachel’s for the weekend so he wouldn’t overhear. He’d gotten over the worst of his anger at my “interference,” but I’d rather not remind him of how it had started.

“You need to stop listening to your ladies, Ollie. And you need to stop listening to him ,” I told Chris, hooking a thumb at Ollie.

“And then I heard you were coaching the hockey team, despite it being your busy season at the orchard,” Ollie went on.

“That’s because the new coach doesn’t know hockey. Literally, the man doesn’t understand the rules of the game and can barely stand on a pair of skates, even when dared—” Though he’d looked damn, damn cute trying this week. “—even though he likes to pretend he’s an expert, so I kinda had to help out. For Derry and the kids, you know. It’s bad enough they might lose their chance at camp this summer, and?— ”

“Did you catch that, Chris?” Ollie demanded, pointing at me accusingly. “Did you see?”

“I did,” Chris said. “That little smile. Dead giveaway. He like -likes him.”

“What?” I scowled, all thought of a smile gone. “No. Don’t be ridiculous. Start the episode.”

“Innnnteresting,” Ollie mused, one smoking pipe away from being Sherlock fucking Holmes. “Watt with a guy… I can see it. So, Watt, maybe I was on the wrong path earlier. Maybe instead of Kayla as a potential date, I should have been pushing… Kevin from the barbershop.”

“Can we not? Start. The. Episode.”

“Gender doesn’t matter. You know we don’t give a shit,” he went on. “And I think you’re underestimating how stress-relieving a casual hookup could be?—”

I shook my head. “I think you’re underestimating how stress- inducing this conversation is. Casual isn’t my thing. And if I’m being honest, neither is serious. Can we drop it?”

“But—?”

“Hush, Ollie.” Chris shoved a cracker into Ollie’s mouth. “He said he doesn’t want to discuss it, so we won’t.” To me, he said, “Just to say, lots of people aren’t into casual sex the way Ollie is. I’m not. And some people aren’t into sex, period. We’re not trying to pressure you, Watt. We just want you to know we’re here if you need us. We want you to be happy?—”

“I am happy! Of course I am.” I thought for a minute before ticking off all my blessings on my fingers. “I have an orchard, a great kid, work I love. I’m fucking marinating in my contentment over here, okay? Now can we start the episode?”

Ollie grumbled around a mouthful of cracker, “Fine. ”

“Thank you.” I folded my arms and burrowed deeper into the sofa.

Chris grabbed the remote while Ollie took out his phone and started messaging someone—probably arranging a hookup for later, as usual.

Which made me start thinking of other things.

Like… whether the Hive would be crowded tonight.

And who might be there “celebrating” over drinks.

And how obnoxiously sexy Delaney Monroe’s dark glasses looked against his tan skin.

And the carefree way Jasper had been laughing with him earlier.

As the John Ruffian: Pretender theme song played, I found myself blurting, “What if I was interested in him?”

Chris immediately paused the episode, and Ollie dropped his phone on the couch.

“Knew it. You argued with him in public,” Ollie said, like the logical leap from A to Z was self-explanatory. He grabbed a slice of pita bread off the tray and pointed it at me. “You don’t argue, Watt. Remember how Kayla Milley roped you into running a race in a pilgrim costume because you were too easygoing to say no?”

“You make it sound like I’m a pushover. I’m not . And,” I added confidently, “there’s no pilgrim costume involved.”

At least, I hoped to God there wasn’t.

“You’re definitely not a pushover,” Chris agreed. “But you don’t like to make waves. Reed once said you’re like a tree?—”

“Yes!” Ollie said, shaking Chris’s shoulder enthusiastically. “ Yes. Wasn’t I just talking about this the other day, Watt? You’re steady. You’re calm. You don’t get ruffled because you don’t put yourself in ruffly positions. You’re a tree, and you might bend to every breeze because you’re easy like that, but ultimately, you cannot be moved. Nobody argues with a tree, and the tree sure as heck doesn’t argue back.” He opened his mouth wide, dropped in his overloaded pita square, and shot me a wink. “Except, apparently, with the new coach,” he said around his mouthful. “’Cause he charges your battery like vroooom .”

I rolled my eyes.

“Who is this guy?” Chris asked eagerly. “Was it, like, just instant, undeniable animal chemistry? You took one look at him and wham , spicy thoughts? Because I’ve been there, and it’s a lot to process?—”

“No, nothing like that. We… we knew each other when we were kids…”

I explained our history briefly. About how Jasper had stayed with Mabel and Abe, about our friendship, our teasing, the way we’d challenged each other.

At first, I spoke haltingly because those summer days with Jasper weren’t something I talked about, ever. I’d boxed the memories up and stuffed them in a corner of my brain, I realized. Until the light had come on in the house, I hadn’t let myself think of him, let alone talk about him, because remembering had brought back all the hurt and confusion, all the wasted potential, all the unfinished business.

But by the time I told my friends about how Jasper and I had invented our rules and cemented our friendship, how we’d come up with the signal of the light in the window, and how I’d felt my first stirrings of teenage lust, the words came easier… possibly because Ollie was grinning wildly and Chris’s eyes were a pair of pulsing cartoon hearts.

“Watt and Jasper’s Rules of Engagement. Oh!” Chris pressed a hand to his chest. “That is so hecking cute, Watt. Jasper was your first crush. Wait until I tell Reed this story.”

Considering Chris’s mouthy, bodyguard-turned-security-specialist fiancé was built like a giant brick wall and seemed about as sensitive as one, I could make an educated guess. “Reed’ll say, ‘Why didn’t Watt just cowboy up and tell the guy how he felt?’ Not sure I disagree,” I added dryly.

“Because you’re talking as an adult. Reed was a teenager once, too. Heck, even when Reed and I first got together, he had a hard time processing his feelings. He wasn’t always the sweet, emotionally mature teddy bear he is today.”

Ollie and I exchanged a look. Literally none of those were words I’d use to describe snarky, overprotective Reed, but okay.

“Let’s focus, people.” Ollie waved a hand. “Finish the story, Watt. How’d you guys go from that to… this?”

“I, ah…” I ran my tongue over my teeth. “I kissed him.”

“In violation of the rules?” Chris gasped.

“Rebellious.” Ollie nodded. “I dig it.”

“It wasn’t premeditated. It just… happened. And I immediately wanted to apologize because I’d crossed a line. I figured Jasper would be angry?—”

“Was he?” Chris asked. “Did he say your friendship was over?”

I shook my head. “Abe called his name literally the second we broke apart, and Jasper had to run home. Worst timing in history. And then… he left town and never contacted me again.”

“He left because of the kiss?” Chris whispered. “How tragic, Watt. You poor thing.”

“He was that pissed his best friend kissed him?” Ollie snorted. “Fuck him. ”

“It wasn’t… it wasn’t exactly like that,” I admitted before explaining about him moving away suddenly due to his parents’ divorce. “Can you believe Jasper told me the other night that he thought he’d kissed me ? He thought I’d be the one upset. It was a huge, stupid misunderstanding.” It was still hard to wrap my mind around this. “But the end result is the same. Nearly twenty years, zero contact.”

“That’s rough,” Ollie said, shaking his head.

“Yeah.” I cleared my throat. “It was. I was hurt and angry. I?—”

“No, Watt, I meant rough for him .”

When I glanced at him, Ollie pointed at his own chest. “Child of divorce, remember? Not only did my family split up, but I also had to move away from my friends and support system. It’s not surprising that Jasper didn’t reach out right away. He was probably reeling.”

I frowned. “He was, but…”

“But it still hurt,” Chris finished loyally.

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. He was right. Even though I understood Jasper’s actions better now, they had still left a mark. And getting over it and trusting him again weren’t as easy as I thought they should be.

If I were a mature adult, wouldn’t I be able to forgive and forget?

Ollie frowned. “And you didn’t reach out to him?”

“People didn’t really text back then, I guess,” Chris mused. “But you probably sent him emails. Or letters?”

“I…” I cleared my throat. “I didn’t do any of that. Mabel said… she said Jasper would call me when he was ready because he’d need me, which he clearly didn’t because he didn’t reach out. I thought… I mean, I knew … he was done with our friendship after the kiss. ”

“But Jasper must’ve also thought—” Chris began. He broke off and bit his lip. “Oh.”

There was a beat of silence.

Total, damning silence.

I bent forward, bracing my elbows on my knees, and ran both hands over my face. “Oh, God. I’m the asshole, aren’t I? I waited for him to call. I waited for him to give me an opening to apologize. I didn’t even think about what he was going through.”

The obviousness of it, the selfishness of it, was breathtaking.

“You were hurt,” Chris pointed out, patting my shoulder. “And you were a kid, Watt. You both were.”

“Do better now,” Ollie said practically. “What’s happened since he came back?”

“I was an asshole again,” I muttered into my hands. “I yelled at him at practice a week ago and told him he didn’t know what he was doing. That’s the argument you heard about.”

“Eeesh.” Chris winced. “Really?”

“And then he… he brought me a peace offering. Two peace offerings, really. Sunday, we met on the dock to talk?—”

“Just like old times?” Chris said. “Aw. That’s good.”

“And… we kissed again,” I whispered.

Chris’s eyes bugged. Ollie punched a fist in the air.

“Let’s fucking go! And how was it?” he demanded. “Battery fully charged?” He winked.

“It was… it was…” I spread my hands, trying to put into words that I had no words because I hadn’t been thinking at all from the minute the kissing had started. “Good,” I said simply. “It was really good. ”

“And was it just a kiss?” Ollie’s grin turned sly. “Or did he, you know, polish your apple?”

“Oliver.” Chris pushed his leg hard.

“No.” My face went hot. “There was no apple polishing. I’ve never… I wouldn’t even know…” I broke off with a headshake, feeling like an idiot. “I don’t have any experience with guys.”

Chris shrugged. “Neither did I, until Reed.”

“And I’d argue that you do have experience with guys,” Ollie said. “Being a guy yourself. We’re not that complicated, Watt. A little rub, a little tug, a little checking in to see what your partner’s into, and then providing more of that.” He grinned. “But don’t you worry. Chris and I will be your gay sherpas. Together, we will help you summit Gay Sex Mountain. The climb will be hard …”

“I’m not gay, Ollie.” I ran a hand over my face. “I’m not straight. But bi or pan don’t really fit either.” I hadn’t been attracted to enough people to reliably say what I was.

“Meh. Labels are for cheese,” Chris said matter-of-factly. “You’re attracted to the man?”

“Yes,” I admitted. “But he’s the only man I’ve ever been attracted to. What do you call it when you’ve only ever been attracted to a handful of women and one particular guy?”

“I think you call it being Watt,” Chris said easily. “So. What’s next? What’s the plan?”

“No plan. I’m not going to act on anything. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.” I pushed back into the sofa. “I’m attracted to Jasper, yes. Whatever that means. But he’s going back to LA in a couple of months, and…”

“And you’re a tree,” Chris said. “You can’t be uprooted.”

“I don’t want to be,” I said staunchly. “Acting on the attraction would just complicate things.”

“Or it might make everything come right,” Ollie said cryptically. He waved a hand. “But never mind. What do you want?”

“I… I’d like to be friends. While Jasper’s here. I thought he wanted that, too. After the kiss the other night, he even bet me that we’d be friends again by Christmas…”

“Oh, gosh, I think I like this guy. I think I like him so much,” Chris sighed. “You need to bring him to our next John Ruffian night. Does he like John Ruffian ? Oooh, do you think he’d like a breakfast board? Because I’ve been working on a thing with pumpkin waffles as a centerpiece, and?—”

“Chrissy, focus,” Ollie said, patting Chris’s shoulder. “Watt said thought , as in Jasper no longer wants to be friends.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “What did you do?”

“Why do you assume it was me?” I demanded. “I didn’t do anything.”

It poured out of me in a confusing tumult: the way Jasper had been just a little off this week, smiling a little too hard. How I’d first teased him into real smiles and then into teasing me back. How I’d thought things were going okay… maybe better than okay… until he’d changed his mind after good-looking Delaney asked him out and canceled our bet.

If I’d expected sympathy, though, I was doomed to disappointment.

“Let me understand,” Ollie said in a tone of deep foreboding. “Jasper, the man you kissed and then signed up for a no-commitment friendship trial?—”

I winced. “That’s not how I’d characterize…”

He raised one dark eyebrow. “—was acting off , by your own admission. And instead of sitting him down and lovingly forcing him to chat, perhaps after plying him with charcuterie, in the time-honored tradition—” He gestured at the table. “—you instead made assumptions. First, that he was feeling squirrelly about your kiss”—Ollie ticked off on his fingers—“though you had no reason to believe that, and then that he was tired, and then that he’s too busy giving Tam’s brother a nickel tour of his love factory?—”

I wrinkled my nose. “That might be your worst euphe?—”

“Bupbupbup.” Ollie raised his chin. “Just answer the question, Bartlett.”

“I love when Ollie gets like this,” Chris whispered in an aside. “It’s like in Season 5, Episode 2, where John pretends to be a lawyer so he can punish the corporation poisoning the?—”

“No comments from the jury.” Ollie gave him a pointed look.

Chris startled, then made a show of zipping his lips and throwing away the key.

Ollie’s gaze burned me again. “Your answer, Mr. Bartlett?”

“I… suppose… that might be one way of categorizing what happened.” I found myself squirming a bit. “Factually accurate, but?—”

“A-ha!” Ollie slapped his jeans like a judge with a gavel. “I hereby declare you guilty of Making Emotional Assumptions with Jealous Intent. And this is a Level-Three felony Making Assumptions charge because you’re a repeat offender.”

“Oooh, Level Three sounds serious,” Chris said. He frowned at Ollie. “Wait, I thought I was the jury?”

“I appeal this verdict, Your Honor,” I said dryly. “On the grounds that I’m not jealous. Never have been. I attended my ex-wife’s second wedding, for goodness?—”

“Pfft. Of course you did. Because she wasn’t the one that got away,” Ollie said, lifting an eyebrow .

I blinked. And deliberately chose not to give that idea another thought.

“Did your muscles get all tight when you saw him with the other guy?” Chris wondered. “Did you get all grrrrrr —like low-key embarrassed but also illogically and nonspecifically ragey? Did your fingertips twitch like you wanted to grab Jasper, or whack the other guy, or both, even though you’re usually a very gentle human? Because that’s what happens to Reed when you pretend to flirt with me.”

I instantly regretted every time I’d ever pretended to be interested in Chris for Reed’s benefit because those symptoms sounded familiar…

Not just from when I’d seen Jasper with Delaney but from when I’d heard about his marriage a week ago also.

“Fuck,” I said succinctly.

“Mmhmm.” Ollie sat back on the sofa, satisfied. I could tell he saw right through me. “Appeal denied. Would you like to hear your sentence?”

I gave him an unimpressed look. “Is it being lured into a deep conversation with my friends under the guise of a low-key John Ruffian and charcuterie night? Because if so, I think I should be sentenced to time served.” I blew out a breath. “Look, if I knew how to handle shit with Jasper better, I’d already be doing it. There didn’t use to be all these misunderstandings between us?—”

“Except there was at least one huge misunderstanding, wasn’t there?” Chris pointed out softly. “And both of you got hurt, which is why you’re both messing up now. You’re trying to protect yourselves from being hurt again. I don’t blame you, but it’s also not working.”

I sighed, stretching my neck from side to side. I really fucking hated being seen so clearly. And I hated not knowing what I was doing even more .

“Fine, then.” I waved a hand. “Sentence me. What is it that I need to be doing that I’m not?”

Chris and Ollie exchanged a look. “Talk to him,” they said in unison.

“Find out if you like this Jasper as much as you liked young Jasper,” Chris said. “Betcha you will.”

“And figure out what you really want from him. Because you saaaay it’s friendship…” Ollie pursed his lips. “…but you and I have been friends for years, and you’ve never thrown a fit because I was mixing up love muffins with a hot, new baker?—”

“If you did, you’d be throwing fits all the time,” Chris said seriously.

“—so I think you want to throw a benefit or two into that friendship, if you know what I mean,” Ollie suggested.

The idea made my stomach jump but in a good way. “I’ll… see what he thinks.”

“Tonight,” Ollie warned.

Chris nodded. “Yeah, like, now . Or whenever he gets home from… um…” He winced. “Whatever he might be doing?”

I ground my teeth together, thinking of Jasper with Delaney. “Right.”

“I think you need to bring him a peace offering. Something that shows you know what he likes and what he needs,” Chris said. “Like, once I was really missing my family, so Reed drove all the way to Syracuse to get me these biscotti, and when he came home, we watched The Cutting Edge because it was my nonna’s fave.” He sighed dreamily before focusing on me again. “So what’s Jasper’s favorite hobby, or food, or music? What does he really, truly need?”

I shook my head. “I… don’t know anymore.” I frowned, po ndering what I did know about Jasper. The things I knew he liked. The things I knew he wanted.

“When in doubt,” Chris went on, “I say you can’t go wrong with an emergency charcuterie?—”

Ollie patted Chris’s shoulder. “Chrissy, my angel, not as many people get jazzed about cheese as you do.”

I straightened in my seat. “Actually,” I said, thinking of the giant block of unpronounceable cheese still sitting in my fridge. “A charcuterie might not be a bad start. And as for the rest… I have an idea. But I’m going to need your help.”