Chapter Forty-Two

Steph

Most Likely to End Up Together

Have a safe drive home, lovely! I squeeze Priya tight and give her boyfriend a quick hug goodbye too, then do the same with Thea while Morgan says goodbye to Curtis. When the four of us girls are done with hugs and kisses on the cheek, we end up all facing each other, standing in a close circle, and it suddenly seems every bit as impossible to say goodbye to them as it did when we all met up for a farewell sleepover before we would leave for university.

I don t know how I ve gone ten years without these girls in my life; I don t know how we ever let things fizzle out when it s so clear we re still so very much each other s kind of people. I wriggle, trying to restrain myself, but Priya catches sight of me and laughs, launching herself forward, and the four of us pile into one massive group hug.

I m crying! Morgan exclaims. Why am I crying? We re going to see each other in a few weeks!

You daft thing. Thea tsks, but her voice sounds thick, too.

We all pull apart, a little bit sniffly and watery-eyed.

A taxi beeps its horn and it s Priya and Morgan s signal to go, along with their partners; they re both staying at the same bed and breakfast, so sharing a lift. I wave them off and say one more last goodbye to Thea before she and her boyfriend leave, too, heading back towards their car.

Still waiting for my mum to come to collect us, knowing she ll be stuck in the queue of cars now steadily coming in and out through the school gates, I turn back around to Curtis, whose arm immediately curls around me as he rubs the chill of goosebumps from my bare arms, folding me into him to share his body warmth.

I look up at him, and the doubts I expressed to Shaun feel like they belong to somebody else. They re so far away, so silly to even think about now

Maybe what we had as teenagers was real, but so is this.

I don t quite regret leaving to catch up with Shaun, but I do regret how much I let the nostalgia take over, and how quickly I let myself give in to it. I think, if I d come here tonight and kept my distance, part of me would have always wondered. At least now, I suppose, I know for sure.

Curtis and I agreed we d talk more about it later, and while I m sure we both meant when we were back home - not even simply back at my parents , but home , in our apartment - I suddenly become a ball of anxiety, all frayed nerves and roiling stomach. It s the same feeling I used to get before an exam.

I tug on Curtis s arm to make sure I ve got his attention and he s not distracted by people-watching.

He knows without me having to say a word, because his brow crumples and he sighs heavily, breath washing over my face. He looks so tired, so disappointed, and I realise he was hoping to put this off for as long as possible. I wonder if, if I hadn t initiated this now, he would ever have bothered to bring it up at all. For all he can engage in a hearty debate at work, I know he hates confrontation in his personal and private life.

I feel extra guilty for causing any kind of confrontation.

I have so much to say: apologies I need to make, explanations to help him understand what was going on in my mind - not to excuse my actions, but so that he knows none of this was his fault; reassurances that while I was tempted by a kiss, this wasn t some torrid affair carried out behind his back for years. It s impossible to know where to start, especially when, But I didn t actually kiss him, is no defence at all and, I m sorry, is so paltry.

As I hastily order my thoughts and start to say something, Curtis surprises me by speaking first.

Just tell me this - do you still love him?

I think part of me will always love him, I admit easily. But I m not in love with him. It s more like a memory I know I ll cherish, instead of one I m wishing I could relive.

He nods, slowly, surely, but the gravity in his expression doesn t concern me. If he were to rant and rave or cry and question why, I would scream and grovel and beg his forgiveness, but we are neither of us those people. This discussion is had with all the same steady affection as we do anything else; a time and consideration that we believe the other deserves, no matter the outcome.

I love this man. So much.

It wouldn t be enough, if he were to decide this isn t something he could ever forgive. But it would still mean something, to both of us.

And after a very long moment and the passing of several cars and more calls of goodbyes from old classmates to one another around us, Curtis asks me, Do you still want to marry me?

Yes, I say, and I can t believe it would even be a question - can t believe I have given him cause to think otherwise. Yes , I do. I absolutely, really, truly do.

Curtis nods, and his other arm comes up to hug me close, and I burrow into him, sure my relief is palpable. It doesn t feel like a goodbye sort of embrace or a final clinging to one another before parting for good; this is more of a mooring, anchoring ourselves to one another, a confirmation. I breathe in the smell of him, now a little musty and sweaty compared to when we left the house, and he presses his lips to my temple, his head bowed over mine and neither of us moving for the longest time.

And, when he does, it s to straighten up and take me gently by the elbows.

Then that s all that matters, Steph. All that matters to me, anyway.

My breath shudders out of me and I m so elated that my answering smile is wobbly; I might cry happy tears, at how big a heart he has - how sure he is of me.

Curtis smiles back and then gestures with a nod off somewhere behind me. Somehow, I know exactly who must be over there.

Maybe you should go and say goodbye.

It s not a test, or anything like that. It s a kindness, a closure for both of us, and I nod before I step out of Curtis s arms to make my way across the tarmac. When I look back, he s smiling, hands in his pockets, perfectly patient, and I m so overcome with seeing that smile and his face and this man for the rest of my life that I could skip.

The rest of my life, admittedly, suddenly feels like a very long time, when I consider just how much has changed in the past ten years. But even if we aren t forever , or meant to end up together

We re together now, and it s all I could want and more.