Chapter 32

THIRTY-TWO

Owen

" H ow did you get so many followers in a few days?" I'm not surprised.

"It's been three weeks." Colin possesses a magnetism to him unlike anyone I've ever met.

I count in my head. "No. It can't be past February!"

"It's March."

"What are days even? Time is made up to confuse me." I point my spoon at him.

He opens his phone while leaning in to press his lips to my cheek. "Fuck the man and his time."

I slip a hand around the back of his head, turning into his kiss. "This is why I love you."

Colin smiles, turning off the video and throwing his phone down on the counter to kiss me harder. "Is it?"

"One of the many reasons," I murmur as it dawns on me what I just said.

Did Colin notice? Did he care?

He keeps kissing me, and doesn't seem to.

I control my breathing, pulling him against me. "Wait, did you say it's March?"

"Yes," he laughs. "The second."

I freeze.

"What?" he asks, pulling back to look at me.

"The Pan American Championships are in less than a month as the Olympic qualifying period comes to a close." I've secured a spot on the team, but I'm expected to place top four, and the pressure is eating me from the inside.

"You're going to do great. Your training is off the charts. Everyone sees it." He backs up and hops up to sit on the counter. "I'm going to post this. Okay?"

"Can I see it?" Did the video have me saying I love you in it?

"Sure, let me edit it real fast." He does a few things on his phone, and then he flips it around, hitting play.

The scene replays, and I hear myself say, "This is why I love you."

And Colin say, "Is it?"

Something flickers in his eyes. It's amusement or enjoyment.

"Can I post it?" Colin asks.

"Of course." I force a smile to my lips as my mind reels.

"I have to go to class. Are we still having dinner after practice?" He gathers his hair in his hands, tying it up.

"Yes, I made reservations." I keep it together until he leaves, but the second he's out the door, I'm back under the chaise lounge.

I love him. I'm falling in love with him. I didn't know what I've been feeling until the words came out of my mouth, but the more I examine it, the clearer it becomes.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I skip my training and don't have the stomach to eat the meals in the fridge. And the longer I stay under the chaise, the more I hate myself. I've been doing so well for months. This shouldn't send me over the edge. What the fuck is wrong with me? What kind of moron can't handle falling in love?

But I know why it's bringing my world crashing down.

Colin doesn't love me back, and he won't. I've fallen in love with an act. A friendship.

I can't let him see this. How stupid I've been. Fucking isn't love, and I shouldn't have conflated the two. This is just an arrangement. I have to act normal at practice or the entire world will know. Since Colin created our social media presence and we've been open to a couple of interviews, we've become an internet sensation. Everyone is rooting for me and us, and the national team is eating up the free press. Fencing has never been so popular, and we are swimming in sponsorships. Oliver had to hire a manager for us just to weed through them.

One wrong move and the entire world will know this is a scam, so I can't miss team practice.

I wave at the photogs waiting outside our building before slipping into the car.

Colin is waiting for me in the locker room when I arrive. I give him a quick kiss before turning to my locker.

"We have twenty minutes. We are both early."

"I didn't have a good workout this morning," I lie. "I'm going to use it to stretch out and try to get out of my head."

I feel his gaze boring into my back. "Why not?"

"I don't know. It happens sometimes. I'm in my head about how close the championships are." I shrug, hoping I sound convincing.

"I'm sure it will be better as soon as you forget time exists again."

"Mmmhmm."

He slips in behind me and presses his cock into my ass. "Why don't you let me help you relax?"

Fear creeps up my throat, and I suck in a breath as he reaches around, slipping his hand into my pants, but I grab his wrist before he gets to my dick. "I need to get my head back in the game. I don't think sex will help that."

He pulls back, and I know it's a blow. But I have to protect my heart. I have to remain in control. I can't let myself be in love with someone who doesn't feel that way about me.

I will be left alone again when this is all over, and I have to fucking figure out how to survive alone. I can't let it break me again. Oliver can't keep saving me, and it's not Colin's job either. Any second this could fall apart, we could be found out by the internet, or Colin could decide staying with me isn't worth it anymore since Cassie is going to marry someone else, and then what? I move back in with my brother and his husband? That isn't an option.

I have to do this myself.

I turn around and cup his face, not wanting to hurt Colin. I know he's sensitive, too. "You mean the world to me. I just need to get my head on straight for this tournament. Okay?"

He nods, schooling his face. "Okay."

I rub my thumb over his lips. "I promise it's me, not you."

He drops his gaze. "I get it."

We have a lot of highs and lows in the days that follow. I train as much as I possibly can, throwing all of my anxiety into fencing, and it seems to help our relationship. If we don't spend a ton of time together, then Colin can't notice I'm in love with him and trying not to be. We still do all our public outings, but it's easier in public, because Colin doesn't expect me to be me. Not fully. He knows I put on a mask to deal with strangers.

"Are you coming to bed?" Colin asks when we get home from the gallery opening we were at.

I pull the knot out of my tie, too exhausted from wearing a mask all night to wear it with him. "I'm going to go work on some footwork before I come to bed."

A frown creases his brow. "Don't you think you're over training?"

"We've been out most of the evening. I barely had any time to work on stuff today." That isn't entirely true, but we did just spend a lot of time together.

"You had all day while I was at class."

"Most people at this level train eight to ten hours a day." That isn't a lie.

"It seems excessive." His frown turns into a pout.

"I know, but it will get better after qualifications."

"Is that even true?" Colin asks, and he has a point.

"I'm sorry. But this is important to me." I leave before it turns into a fight. What more is there to say? We'd get used to the space, and it would be better for both of us to keep this at a friendship level so Colin doesn't break me. I need our friendship to last. I can't bear to lose Colin.

I strip off my tie as I push open the door to the spare room, fingers working down the buttons of the dress shirt Colin picked out. I walk over to the rack of my sabres when Colin crashes into the room.

I spin around, finding him holding an expensive bottle of vodka. "Should you be drinking more?"

He'd already had a few drinks at the gala. He looks right into my eyes as he takes a swig directly from the bottle. "If you want to train, you can fight me."

"Is that a good idea with how much you've had to drink?" I ask, taking in his undone tie and half unbuttoned shirt, willing my dick not to respond.

"It's better to train with someone." He takes another long pull, drinking in my state of undress. "I'm trying to spend quality time with you."

"I don't want to hurt you." I don't think I can handle him being in here.

"I can handle my own."

"It's not fair."

Colin stalks over and holds out the bottle. "Then take a drink."

"I can't drink. It's against my diet."

"Fine, then don't let me score." He grabs a sabre from the rack. "But if I do, you drink."

"Why would I agree to that?" I grab a sabre, not fully trusting Colin not to pull something.

"Because you won't talk to me any other way, you won't let your walls down, and you haven't touched me in days, so if this is the only way I can get through to you, I'm going to fucking do it."

I exhale slowly. Is it so easy to see through me? "I told you, I'm struggling."

"Then prove it to me." He puts the bottle down carefully, keeping the tip of his sabre pointed at my chest. "If you need to be in here, I'll spend time with you in here."

I nod, side-stepping toward the middle of the room.

Colin follows, and we face off.

It feels good to spar with him, even if I'm drinking. Even if I'm breaking all my rules. Letting him close again feels so good.

Every touch, every mark, every hit feels like ecstasy.

And for a little while, I forget all the reasons I've built walls around my heart.

Until I wake up, the next morning wrapped around Colin, and reality comes crashing back.