Chapter 7

Asher

He's here.

Almost here. He's just down the road, according to the Uber app where he'd shared the details of his ride with me when he left the airport. He didn't have to, but Reece can be. . . overcompensating like that. He shared his flight details and where he was staying yesterday, too, and assured me a dozen times he won't get in our way. He just wants to get away from his life in the city.

I check on dinner. Steak with mashed potatoes and beans. I could have made chicken teriyaki – Reece's favorite – but I would've fucked it up and, anyway, the only chicken teriyaki Reece ever ate was the one my mother made with her own hands. If you ever tried making it, you would hear him complain all the way into the next town about how no one cooked chicken teriyaki like my mother.

Maybe he'll like the steak. He used to. Sawyer does.

I don't know what he wants to get away from and I don't know what good it'll do him by coming here. I know nothing about his life – a conscious effort on my part. I don't know how much he knows about mine.

We left in a hurry with no time for goodbyes, no promises to see each other again. My parents asked me to leave it alone no matter how much it hurt. I listened to them because I trusted them, and they were right. Everything got better, like they said. I moved on, like they said I would.

I'll never forget my mother's words: Sometimes you have to fight and sometimes you have to walk away. This is one of those times when we have to walk away.

I didn't want to walk away. I wanted to fucking fight. I wanted to destroy Buddy Carter.

I check on the store-bought apple pie, which I'd placed in the oven so the crust can get extra crispy, the way Sawyer likes it. It looks good.

Looking back, it wasn't as complicated as it felt at the time. Buddy Carter was the big, scary boss. My parents, his humble employees with dreams of giving their only child a better future in Arizona. He loved us and took care of us as long as we touched nothing of his.

Reece was his and I shouldn't have touched him. I should've been ashamed of myself, he said. He didn't believe in homosexuality. It's as simple as that.

We were given a week's notice to pack up and leave. Reece's father's golfing buddy was one of the big deals at Notre Dame. Two days after Reece and I were found out, my scholarship was revoked.

My father was a good man, but he was not a man who could stand up to such giants. He brought us back to his hometown – Linksfield, Iowa. I hate Reece's father as much now as I did then, when he used his money and power and influence to humiliate my parents. I guess that's the way the world is, but I'll never forgive him.

My phone buzzes. Stepping away from the kitchen, I slide it out of my pocket.

Sawyer: You okay?

Me: Yes, sweetheart.

Sawyer: I'll be home in about an hour. Is that still enough time? If you need more time, let me know beforehand.

Me: Okay, but I think it'll be enough time.

Enough time for what? To reminisce about my teenage love affair with my ex-best friend? To finally get the apology I deserve for what Buddy Carter did to my family? To test the waters and see if I'm really over the first boy I ever loved?

My husband is far more generous than I deserve. But Sawyer is that kind of soul. The hardships he's endured throughout his life has softened him in ways most of us would never be able to understand. Sawyer is a man who sees the inside before he sees the outside and, sometimes, he misses the outside entirely.

Me: I love you. Thank you for this. I don't know why you agreed.

Sawyer: You never got closure. I know how important it is to you. I love you. See you later.

My chest tightens. Fear is alive inside me. I am not prepared for what I might feel when I look at Reece Carter again.

Another text comes through, this time from my sister-in-law.

Pippin: Ash?

My stomach plummets. If that deadbeat boyfriend of hers . . .

I tap on the call button.

"Ash, nothing's wrong," she says as soon as she picks up.

"Is Ezra okay?" I ask.

"Yeah. He's great. We went and got his two-month shots earlier today."

"You still have enough diapers and such?"

"Yeah. Everything you brought over last week will last the month. And Carlson didn't come back, don't worry. I just wanted to tell you that I wanna take Ezra to go see Faye when Sawyer goes again. He said no, so please can you talk to him?"

"Do they allow babies in for prison visits?" I ask.

"I checked. They do. I want my sister to see Ezra, Ash. Sawyer says it's too soon."

I love Sawyer's sisters like my own. He did his best to take care of them but some things you just can't prevent. Twin girls who just fell in with the wrong people. Pippin, pregnant at twenty by a loser named Carlson I'd like to kill with my bare hands. And sweet Faye. One moment of weakness with someone offering her crystal meth. A year later, she was unrecognizable. Three days after she turned eighteen, she was caught for housebreaking and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. She got thirteen years. Rightfully so, and she was lucky it wasn't a longer sentence. Still, it crushed Sawyer and Pippin.

"I'll talk to him," I tell Pippin.

"Okay, thank you. Love you, Ash. Bye."

"Love you more."

I end the call and check on the Uber ride again. Reece Carter's trip is complete. Slipping my phone back into my pocket, I go to stand by the window – just far enough to not be noticed through the curtain, but close enough to get a first glimpse of Reece when his Uber pulls up. I need this head start.

A Toyota Corolla comes to a stop in front of the bed of kale. I'll help Sawyer prepare the soil next week for the peas and beets.

The back door of the Toyota swings open. I place my hand on my chest, rubbing absently. My palms tingle the way they do when you're on a rollercoaster and it's beginning its ascent.

Calm down.

Why didn't we meet at a public place? Why did I invite him to my and Sawyer's home? Why did Sawyer agree?

The tightness in my chest remains. I invited him here because I needed Reece to see my life exactly as it is now: happy, stable and full. I wanted this visit to happen in the space that belongs to both me and Sawyer. I wanted it to be that when Reece sees me for the first time again, it will be in a place surrounded by Sawyer's presence too.

Because despite the tumult of conflicting feelings – my never-ending love for the boy who was my best friend, my regret over how we ended, and the pride I take in how I survived such a tragedy – I won't give up or jeopardize the life I now have for anything in this world. Not even for Reece.

Still, my heart bangs inside my chest, like it did the first time Reece tipped his chin up to look at me in the barn outside his grandmother's farm. We were grounded because we let the chickens out too early. We forgot that we needed to clean out the chicken coop the day before. Grandma Carter took away Reece's PlayStation and put us on cleaning duty.

We stood in the middle of the barn, dirty and hot from the labor. I watched his lips part. Listened to his short, soft gasps, realizing that everything was changing inside that one second.

I didn't hesitate. I kissed him. I knew he wanted me to kiss him, and I always gave Reece whatever he wanted. Until I couldn't.

He kissed me back. His first kiss, and mine.

We knew it was meant to be because there was no awkwardness afterward. The opposite, in fact. Reece and I were always meant to be together. We fell in love, and we fell into each other, and there was nothing more about it to dissect or understand.

Now, my breath is stuck inside my chest as Reece exits the car. I try to loosen my chest with a sharp exhale.

He looks exactly the same and not at all the way I remember him at the same time. He stands on the edge of our small property, his face turned to the front porch of the house. The Uber driver helps him with his suitcase.

He inhales. I inhale with him. He exhales. I exhale with him. He takes his first step up the walkway. I step toward the front door, hardly able to tear my eyes away from the window.

At the door, I send Sawyer a text: He's here.

Sawyer: I love you.

I put my phone away. Lay my forehead against the cool wood. The ring of the doorbell is shattering. Three deep breaths.

I turn the knob.