Chapter 20

Reece

Doubt crosses Sawyer's face. My heart deflates. He changed his mind? Fuck, he changed his mind. "If it won't trigger you or anything, sure." His voice softens. "Because – because of your loss."

If Sawyer wasn't Asher's husband – anyone's husband – I swear to God, I would've fallen in love with him. "No. It's okay. I want to come. Are you sure it's okay for me to tag along?" My heart is a drum being beaten inside my chest. I want to meet Ezra so desperately.

Sawyer raises an eyebrow curiously. "Of course. We're friends, right?" Then, he adds, "We can be friends, you know. It doesn't have to be weird."

My chest relaxes with a much needed expel of breath. I want nothing more. "Did Asher also tell you how I fucked up our lives?" I ask suddenly. In an instant, I want Sawyer to know all the ugly things before he decides he wants to be my friend.

"He told me how your father fucked up everyone's lives. It's not the same thing."

"Yeah, well. He lost his whole future because of me."

Sawyer grins. "He got another kind of future." He points to himself. "Life doesn't have to be bad just because it didn't turn out the way you thought."

I want to tell Sawyer that in Asher's other future – the one that didn't happen – I was him. I was the love of Asher's life. "It took me almost my whole life to get away from my father. It took the death of my daughter to realize that I wasn't living. I was a dead man with a beating heart and I don't want to live like that anymore."

Now all I want is a quiet life like theirs, but I don't tell Sawyer that.

He comes to stand close to me. Closer than what would be considered polite. I should take a step back but this – this is not bad. It doesn't feel bad standing so close to Sawyer. In fact, it feels like I might drop to my knees and bury my face between his thighs.

"You did the right thing, getting away. You need to live."

"Do you really think so?" Suddenly, his opinion matters the most.

"Yeah, I do."

I clear my throat because I can't stand the way he's staring at me. He looks like he wants to say something else but finally, he turns away without a word. The loss of his body heat is insanely noticeable.

He's Asher's husband. He's Asher's husband.

It's a chant in my head but it doesn't help at all. I tell myself it's impossible for me to not only still be in love with Asher, but also be attracted to his husband.

It's just the fascination with how perfect their life is. And how easily I could imagine my own life like that – simple and filled with love and nothing else. They're who they are and they're happy together, it doesn't matter what happens in the world around them. Their quiet life feels like something I, too, could very easily fall into if I met the right person one day.

"I saw how you worked that mattock today," Sawyer says. "You did a great job."

I almost preen. I thought he ignored me all day but maybe he didn't. "Thank you." But my mouth isn't really working. Only my dick. So much so that I have to turn away to protect my and Sawyer's virtues from my highly intrusive sexual thoughts.

I freshen up as best as I can without actually showering because I don't want to waste time. My mind races over what I have in the fridge that I can take to Sawyer's sister's house as a gift. I have nothing sealed. I'll get something from the convenience store downstairs.

We've been driving for about ten minutes when Sawyer takes his eyes off the road to look at me. Something has shifted. Now it's no longer just Sawyer acting weird. I am, too. I'm so afraid to talk. I might say something like how hot I think he is.

"Why so quiet suddenly?" Sawyer asks lightly.

I shrug. Keep it cool. "Just excited to meet the baby."

The ride to Sawyer's sister's place takes about fifteen minutes. As we leave Linksfield, the disparity becomes more and more pronounced. Sawyer must have seen the confusion on my face, because he looks over at me and says, "This is Monagan. It's where I grew up. My sister still lives in our childhood home. Won't leave it no matter how much Ash and I beg her."

"You have two sisters, right? I remember from the photos at your house."

"Yeah. The one we're visiting today is Pippin. The other one is Faye."

"Pippin? That's a pretty name. Faye, too. Is Faye also going to be at dinner?"

Sawyer turns into a dirt road and we have to wait for an actual herd of cattle to cross onto the other side, where they seem to be making their way to grazing land. I don't think I've ever seen a herd of cattle up close like this.

"No, Faye's . . ."

I turn back to Sawyer. He looks away. He doesn't want to talk about it. I want to ask more questions about Faye and his whole family, but maybe it's not my place.

We turn down into another dirt road, where a small house sits in the middle of some worked agricultural land. Asher's car is parked next to a vegetable patch and a young woman is standing at the door with a baby in her arms.

"Come meet Pippin and Ezra," Sawyer says.

It's all too much, suddenly. Pippin. And Ezra. And I'll be seeing Asher again after more than a month. My palms are sweaty. I wipe them on my jeans. I don't want to dirty up the baby.

My heart pumps harder in my chest and I'm glued to my seat. Sawyer reaches out to touch my arm. I jerk back like I've been burned. "You okay?" he asks.

I nod. "Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Just . . ."

He grins. "Nervous?"

I let out a short laugh. "Yeah. A little."

"C'mon. He'll like you."

I follow after Sawyer. His sister is a waif of a girl with dark hair, like Sawyer's and big brown eyes. Her eyes dance when she sees him and widens even more when she sees me.

"Sawyer's friend. Hi. I'm Pippin."

I take her hand. "Hi. It's nice to meet you. I'm Reece." Then, I hold out the box of cookies I got at the convenience store. "I brought this." I try to get a peek at the baby but he's wrapped in a blanket.

"Cookies. I love them. Thank you, Reece," she says excitedly. "Come on in."

I follow them inside. Asher is in the kitchen which is on the left side of a modestly sized living room. The living room is straight out of the sixties, including a plastic covered rocking chair in the corner by the window.

Sawyer takes the baby from his sister and holds him up. "Hey, buddy," he says, as he walks to the kitchen. Asher's back is to me. He and Sawyer exchange an intimate greeting that lasts about one second. Watching him put his mouth on Sawyer for even one second makes my blood hot, but not in the way I expected. I'm not jealous. I'm . . .

Sawyer catches me watching them. Something passes over his face and I can't figure it out. Asher turns. He too, keeps his eyes on me for a moment longer than he should have. I lift my hand in greeting.

"Hi, Reece," he says.

I clear my throat so I don't croak. "Hi, Asher."

"Come here," Sawyer says. I don't know about the dip in his voice. Gruffer than usual.

I don't move. I'm suddenly rooted to the spot, unable to take my eyes off Asher with his husband and the baby between them.

Pippin gives me a nudge. "Go on. I'll set the table." I like Pippin, I decide. If I ever had a sister, I would've been glad if she was like Pippin.

I step into the small space in the kitchen. I don't know where to look. I don't belong here.

Sawyer turns to me. "This is Ezra," he says.

I don't miss the gentleness in his voice.

"Do you want to hold him?"

I nod, swallowing hard. This is ridiculous. What is there to fucking cry about?

Sawyer handles the baby carefully, transferring him to me and making sure he's snugly in my arms before letting go.

My chest aches. Little Ezra looks up at me with big eyes. They're brown. Brown eyes, like his mom. His skin is soft and pink. Tiny arms jerking as he gazes up at me like the whole world exists on my face.

Sawyer shifts. "I'll go check on Pip's greens outside. See how they're doing." His voice is tender, like he's trying not to disturb the moment. I can't move. The sounds around me are muted. Faraway, there is a clinking of plates as Pippin sets the table. A door creaks open.

The only thing that exists is this baby in my arms. He gurgles, and I laugh, and it's only then that I realize I have tears in my eyes.

My shoulders shake. Stop this. This is embarrassing. So embarrassing.

A warmth engulfs me as Asher steps closer. Instinct has me leaning into the warmth suddenly surrounding me. A hand on my back, rubbing gently. My body freezes, Asher's touch foreign and familiar at the same time, and the familiarity wins out. Even though this is only the second time I'm seeing him, it's like the decade that separated us never existed. How easy it is to fall into his care.

"You're okay." Asher's voice is near my ear.

I hold the baby closer to my chest, breathing as deeply as I can to keep the sobs away. It helps. Though my eyes are filled with tears, I manage to keep myself together. He's right. I'm okay.

"Hey," I coo at Ezra. His tight fists flail in the air and I take one of them in my hand and bring it to my lips. Kissing his tiny knuckles, I whisper, "You're so gorgeous." His face scrunches up, and he gives a big yawn. "You're tired? You're so tired." He stretches his body, and I love the downward turn of his mouth, like he's worked all day and is now displeased for the interruption to his rest.

"If you put him on your shoulder, he'll be out like a light in no time," Pippin says.

I turn Ezra, carefully maneuvering him until his head is resting just below my shoulder. His smell. I inhale deeply. My eyes fill with tears again. Now, I know the smell of a baby. Abby's socks don't smell like this. Maybe Sawyer was just being nice when he told me so.

Sawyer returns and I know what it must look like, Asher standing so close to me. The three of us must look like the three of them did a few minutes ago, but instead of suspicion or disapproval, when Sawyer's eyes meet mine across the room, the intensity of his gaze heats my blood. His eyes move to Asher's, and I know something has changed.