Chapter 11

Asher

Reece leaves at around eight o'clock. He thanks Sawyer and me for our hospitality. Thanks Sawyer a second time for letting him visit. He tries not to look at me too long when he says goodbye, and I do the same.

I try not to think about the things beneath the surface – do you still love me? I missed you. I hate that I lost you. It doesn't matter now.

I turn down the covers on the bed, then reach behind me to remove my t-shirt. The spray of the shower ceases. Sawyer needed a second shower because the quick one he had earlier didn't get rid of all of the dust in his hair.

His body cream is on the bed – I used it after my shower. I take it to the bathroom and leave it on the counter by the sink. Watching him dry off, I admire his beautiful body. Sawyer rolls his eyes when he catches me staring.

"You're such an ogler," he says playfully.

"Come here, I'll get your back."

He pulls on his boxers and comes to me, giving me his back. I wipe off some droplets of water and then apply body cream.

"Pippin called earlier," I say.

Sawyer's shoulders sag, and I rub at a knot a little harder. "It isn't me who doesn't want to take Ezra," he says. "It's Faye. When she called last week she was the one who said not to bring him. To just bring pictures. I know it's because it'll be too much for her, but I don't want Pippin to know Faye is the one who doesn't want us to take Ezra."

"Maybe you should take Ezra anyway. Faye might think she doesn't want to see him, but maybe that's the best thing for her. To see that little baby."

"You think so?"

"I think so."

"Okay, I'll think about it." He reaches back to kiss my lips. "Now, do you wanna talk about it?" he says.

"About what?" But, of course, I know.

Another kiss. "About tonight, sweetheart."

I sigh. "How do you do it?" I ask, instead of answering.

"Do what?"

"Be so selfless. If we told someone that you agreed to let my ex-boyfriend have dinner with us they'd say you're crazy."

Sawyer turns around to face me. I keep my arms around him, still rubbing cream into his back, then bringing my hands over his shoulders to his chest, rubbing gently. "I don't care about what people think, Asher. You know that. Everyone has a story. And everyone deserves a chance. And I always want to do what feels right."

"And this felt right? Letting me see Reece again, knowing how deeply I once loved him?"

He cups my cheek. I feel so unworthy of the love shining in his gaze. "Baby, I don't think you know what a wreck you were when you came into the bar that first time. I know how important this was for you. I know you needed this, and what is my love worth if I ignore the things you need?"

"I love you so much," I tell him, because I don't know how else to tell him that he is the most incredible man I have ever encountered.

He leans in to kiss me softly. "I also know that your love for me is real and true. You loved him – maybe you still do; you didn't choose to walk away from each other – but I also know that you love me. And that's enough."

I deepen the kiss, taking his tongue into my mouth, sucking gently. "You're my angel, Sawyer. I wish I could be half the man that you are."

He rests his forehead against mine. "You're a good man. Don't let what people have said and done in the past convince you otherwise." And then, with one more kiss, he says, "Now, do you want to talk about it?"

I lower my eyes. Sawyer touches his index finger to my chin, lifting my face to his. "There's no decorum between us, Asher. We decided a long time ago, remember? You taught me that word. Decorum . Nothing is too ugly. Nothing is too shameful."

I pull him into my arms, seeking safety in the warmth of his neck. Yes, there are things to be said.

"Let's go to bed," he whispers. He untangles himself from me gently, then with my hand in his, leads me to our bed.

The air is cool enough to require a heavy duvet. Sawyer brings it up to cover us up to our waists.

We lie on our sides, facing each other. He traces the bridge of my nose with his index finger. "There's no decorum between us, Asher," he repeats. "You told me that when you needed to know where and what I come from. You never judged me for the life I had before you. You never judged the poverty I lived in; when I didn't have manners. The squalor I lived in. Do you think I didn't notice you filling my plate up at dinner?"

A knot sits inside my throat. "It hurts me to think about how you didn't have enough food when you were a child. I never want you to feel that way again."

"So, then tell me, Asher. How can I not be sensitive to the things that make you you , when you have been this way with me since the beginning? Just the way it hurts you to think about my past, it hurts me to see you struggle with yours."

The words are in my throat. I'm so scared.

"There's no decorum between us, my love," Sawyer murmurs against my mouth.

"I wanted to hold him," I admit, anguish thickening my voice. My words fall desperately onto his lips, crying out for understanding. For forgiveness for my feelings.

"He was your first love and he was stolen from you. Why wouldn't you want to hold him again?" Sawyer presses his lips to mine.

"Are you angry? Have I hurt you? I can't hurt you, Sawyer."

"I'm not angry, Asher. You didn't hurt me. You would never hurt me."

"His – his daughter died." And just like that, all the feelings I felt for Reece's pain come bursting through the surface. "She lived fifteen minutes. Reece's baby didn't even open her eyes. He doesn't know what color they were."

I wet his chest with my tears when he gathers me close. "I felt so hurt for him. I don't know how he coped. If we were still friends I would've tried to help him."

"Yes, you would have. I'm so sorry that you couldn't," Sawyer whispers against my hair.

For a few moments I am inconsolable over Reece's hurt. How alone he must have felt. His sadness is as unbearable now as it used to be when we were innocent teenage boys.

It's a long time before I'm able to stop shaking in Sawyer's arms. He holds me together with a quietness that speaks volumes about his care for me.

Finally, when words become possible again, I lift my face to his. "You are my angel, Sawyer," I tell him with all the love and admiration I can find inside of me.

"I'm just your husband." He smiles, soft and filled with love.

My lips find his. " Husband isn't enough of a word for what you are to me."

He chuckles. "I love you too, Ash."

"Reece got divorced a few months ago," I say after a moment. "He used to work for his father as an accountant. His father fired him over text earlier today because he chose to come here. He asked me what I thought about him staying in Iowa. Finding some work."

"Well, what do you think about that?"

"I don't know. He was never for the glitzy life his father lived. He always loved small, quiet places."

"I know it's not much but if he decides to stay, and doesn't mind some manual labor, he could come and work at the woodlot. We have space for one more. I could teach him."

I'm shaking my head even before Sawyer has finished his sentence. "Sawyer, we can't let him into our lives like that."

"Why not?"

"Because—because . . ." I'm not sure what to say.

He grins. "Because he might steal you away from me? Because I might start getting jealous and suspicious anytime he's around? Because you might fall in love with him all over again?"

"Yes," I admit after a while. Because, of course, that's what it is.

"Everything that needs to happen will happen, Asher. Don't worry about me. I learned early in life to live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is without the fears of the past or the future. If Reece wants to stay in Iowa and start a new life, and you're okay with that, then I'll help him wherever I can. We'll help him wherever we can. You can do that for your childhood friend, can't you? Help him?"

I nod slowly. "I guess so."

Our conversation drifts off after that. Sawyer shifts, turning so his back is pressed to my chest. We go to sleep like an old married couple.

It's been a long day. We'll fuck tomorrow night.