Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

T he sun was warm, the staff had agreed to take some time off from their work for the day, and the Duke had forgiven her trespasses. Diana could not have been luckier.

She was aware that she had changed her mind about telling the Duke all too quickly, but she needed to do it. She did not want another relationship filled with dishonesty and going behind the back of another, as her father had done to her. She wanted honesty and goodness and kindness, and thus far she had found all of that with her husband.

As she placed a strawberry in her mouth, she realized just how fortunate she was to have had all of it happen to her.

"You must be the new duchess!" a young lady said to her, in an accent that she had never heard before.

"That would be me." She nodded. "It is lovely to meet you."

"And the same to you," the lady said quickly, followed by a curtsey that she seemed to rush into, as though she had forgotten about it completely. "We did not think that the Duke would find a wife so quickly, but we are glad that he did."

"And I could not be happier to be here. It is a lovely village, and everyone seems so content."

"Well, we are. The Duke has been brilliant, just as his father was."

Diana felt her husband bristle beside her, but he did not say anything.

"Will you come to the fayre?" the young lady asked. "We shall have many stalls, and there will be games, and?—"

"Helen!" an older woman snapped nearby. "You mustn't accost the poor lady."

"My apologies, Mother, but it is most exciting, is it not?"

The mother approached them, and the young lady (who appeared to be named Helen) introduced them.

"It is most exciting that we have a duchess, especially one that we do not know anything about."

Diana liked that. It had been so painful in London, having everyone know who she was and not seeing her in a good light at all. Now she had a fresh start, a chance to be known as Diana, the Duchess of Abaddon, rather than Diana, the poor girl who had a deceased mother and a drunkard father.

Whatever these people thought of her would be because of her own actions, and that brought such power but also responsibility. Then again, it was a responsibility that she wanted.

"Please," Diana said kindly, gesturing beside her, "sit with us. I wish to know all about you."

The mother seemed to hesitate, but Helen practically dove beside her.

"We do not mean to intrude, Your Grace," the mother said to Colin, but he was laughing.

"It is perfectly alright. The Duchess wishes to learn all about our county, and far be it from me to prevent that. Take all the time you need, and feel free to help yourself to anything that we have brought. There is plenty to go around."

That seemed to be all of the permission that Helen needed to snatch up a slice of cake.

"My name is Helen Swinton," she said quickly. "I am seven and ten years old, and I live with my mother. I shall not tell you her age, of course."

"Please excuse her… spritely nature," the mother sighed. "She has always been a spirited girl. It is quite remarkable, really. I thought that when her father died, that spark might die out, but here she is."

The Duke seemed to stiffen beside her. At that moment, all three ladies seemed to realize how he might have taken what she had said.

"I understand." Diana nodded. "I lost my own mother when I was six years old."

"Oh!" Helen gasped. "I am so sorry! It was quite difficult when I lost my father. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been to lose your mother. We ladies need our mothers."

"It wasn't all bad. It was difficult at times, of course, but I had my younger sister Samantha for company, and I was so busy caring for her that I tended to forget just how much I missed her."

"Well, she would be very happy for you." Helen nodded. "Did you have a title before?"

"Yes, my father is an earl, not that I ever truly realized just how fortunate that made me."

"I think it would be wonderful to be in a position such as yours. I could attend balls, wear beautiful gowns, and meet gentlemen. It sounds so perfect."

"She has always been a romantic," her mother explained. "Us ladies are supposed to have a terrible time finding a match for their daughters, but my problem shall be that she will come of age and marry the first gentleman who woos her."

"That is untrue! I want a love match and nothing less, just like the Duchess no doubt wanted."

Diana paused for a moment. Was it better to lie and tell her that she had indeed found a love match with the Duke, right in front of him, or was it better to be honest and tell Helen that she did not need to find love to find her way in the world, while revealing that she did not love her husband?

"Of course." She nodded. "And you will find love, I am sure of it."

"More than anything." The mother laughed. "We shall need to find a man who can listen to you talk all day. A man with the patience of a saint, perhaps?"

"And then some, to be safe." Helen laughed. "But if the Duchess believes that I shall succeed, then I will."

Diana was not sure how to take that. Was she truly already being seen as intelligent and kind and in love with her husband? Was that who she truly was? To be sure, she was not dim, and she could be quite fun if she was relaxed, but could she continue to play such a role?

"You have found a wonderful wife, Your Grace?" the mother said gently.

"I truly have." He nodded. "I knew from the moment that I saw her that she was the lady I needed. I am simply fortunate that she agreed to marry me, because she truly would have had her choice of men. Perhaps I ought to remember that whenever she asks me for something."

The two of them laughed, but Diana couldn't help but think. She had lied to Helen, to be sure, but only out of necessity. Colin, however, had crafted some sort of narrative about how they had met, some sort of love at first sight that had of course never happened.

Was this what it meant to keep up appearances? She had never truly done so with her father, as there was no point and it would have been seen through instantly. She had always on some level hated that, but at least she was able to live authentically that way.

A short while later, the two ladies left, and Diana sighed, leaning back and taking another strawberry.

"That was not too difficult, was it?" Colin asked. "I knew that you could do it."

"Yes, it is quite easy to play a part."

He looked at her for a moment but did not respond to what she had said. She was, in all honesty, grateful for that, because they could not have a dispute in such a public place.

"They liked you a lot. I could tell."

"I liked them, too. Helen is a lot like Samantha, I think."

"With the exception that Miss Swinton is looking to find love and romance, and Samantha is looking for anything but that."

"It is not what they want, but how they feel about it. There is an assuredness to them. They both seem to think that, no matter what is against them, they will find what they are looking for and get it. I admire that."

"It is certainly an admirable trait."

"But it is more than that. I feel as though it is something that I have never been able to do."

"Well, what do you want? We can get it for you."

"That is the problem. I have never truly wanted anything. I wanted to find a husband for Samantha and leave that house."

"And Samantha does not want a husband, and so you are quite alright there, and you have left the house. Unless you are forgetting that part."

"No, of course, I am not, but I did not achieve that myself. I simply got lucky and married a duke."

"I shall enjoy the fact that you referred to marrying me as lucky a great deal."

"Well, there are certainly worse gentlemen to marry." She laughed. "Even so, I cannot help but almost mourn for the life that I missed by caring for others. I do not regret it, not at all, but sometimes I wonder what I might have been capable of if I had been selfish rather than doing what was expected of me."

"That will not help you."

"What do you mean?"

"Sitting there and wondering what might have been. It will not help you. You are far better off looking around you and being grateful."

"I am grateful. Do not accuse me of being anything but that."

"No, that is not what I'm saying," he said quickly, then took a deep breath. "Do forgive me, I do not mean it like that. What I mean is that you have suffered. You have had a difficult life, one that I would not wish on anyone else, but your circumstances have changed now. You are a duchess, and there is no longer a man whom you must take care of but one who wishes to take care of you."

"I know that, and I am glad about that."

"Then you must trust that I will be there to take care of you, and instead of concerning yourself with what might have been, you need to look forward. We are going to have an incredible life together as friends, and it is time for you to want that instead of the impossible."

Diana knew that he was not trying to hurt her, but she felt that way regardless. It was painful knowing that he had done nothing to make her not trust him, but she simply could not do it. She had trusted her mother, and she was gone. She had trusted her aunt, but she left. She had trusted her father, and he had done anything but take care of her. It did not matter how much she wanted to believe the Duke's promises, she couldn't do it.

"You need not do it now," he assured her. "I understand, I promise that I do, but I want you to try and do it in time."

She nodded to him. It was not a promise, as far as she was concerned, that she would change, but that she was willing to try. She had so hoped that she would feel differently once they were married, but too many bad things happened to her when she thought she had found happiness for her to believe in any feeling but dread.

The rest of the afternoon was perfect. There were no scathing comments like there would have been in London, and the people were only kind and welcoming towards them. It was new, and for a moment Diana realized just how much she needed it.

As she retired to her bedchamber that night, Colin followed her just as he had done each night since they arrived. He came into the room with her, fell asleep beside her, and was gone by the time she awoke, although she swore that at some points in the night, she could feel his fingers intertwined with hers. She did not dare ask him, and if she were being honest with herself, she did not want to risk him no longer doing it.

It was like a silent affirmation that they liked each other if nothing more. She liked knowing that he was there, that someone was there, because no matter how much she had protested against the thought of it, she knew that she no longer wanted to be alone.

But when she awoke that morning, he was no longer there as usual, and breakfast was soon approaching. As she walked to the dining hall, she noticed for the first time that the house, whilst grand, was quite outdated. Not only that, but it was decorated by someone who no longer lived there, and so it should not have been too difficult to bring Colin around to the idea of redecoration.

"I was wondering," she began as she took a piece of toast, "if we might make some changes to the house?"

"The staff will be more occupied than usual for the next few days," he said thoughtfully, "but we should be able to accommodate it. Was there anything in particular that you want to change?"

"Everything," she said slowly and carefully. "I think part of the reason why I have not felt completely at home here is that I do not belong . I did not have a say in this house, and so it feels more like I am holidaying here than truly living here. Is that foolish?"

"Not at all. I must admit, I have found myself thinking the same thing of late, but you seemed content with it, so I left it."

"There is nothing wrong with it, so to speak," she explained. "I was only thinking that it would be for the best if we made this our home, exactly the way we want it. I understand that you are busy, but I shall have plenty of time to handle the matter. If you tell me what you want, I can see to it that it is done."

"Then the matter is settled." He smiled. "You may do as you wish with it all. Whatever you wish to do, I shall like it."

"Wonderful, because Samantha will so love having a library when she visits."

His face fell.

She felt her blood turn cold. He never looked at her the way he did at that moment, as if he did not know who she was and he was wondering why she was in his home.

"We talked about this," he said quietly.

"You said that I could redecorate the house. All of it."

"With the belief that you are not a fool and know that I am not referring to that room."

"So I am a fool now? Forgive me for thinking that a room in this house is a part of the house."

"You will not touch that room," he thundered. "You have done quite enough, and you know that. Leave it be."

"I thought this was my house too."

"It is ours, and you need to respect me when I tell you no in the same way that I do for you."

"So that is the end of it, is that what you are saying?"

"Yes. That is the end of the discussion, and frankly, I do not care whether you are happy with it or not."

He left as soon as he said that.

She stared at the empty doorway, wondering if he would turn around and return and apologize for how he had spoken to her, but he did not. It did not make any sense. He had always been so kind to her and understood her needs, but at the mere mention of a room, he exploded. She knew that she should leave the matter alone and let it end calmly as she had done before, but she did not want to.

And so she would not.