Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

D iana soon fell asleep, in spite of her apparent issues with doing so, and Colin watched her, terrified.

He had never planned to be a husband. It was not that he was overtly against it, so to speak, but he had never considered it a pathway that he wanted to follow. Not when he was the way he was.

Their entire situation was filled with complexities, but above all, the most peculiar part of it was his innate desire to protect her. It had been there from the moment he had seen her in the drawing room the morning after they had met, whether he wished to admit it or not, and it had only grown from there. She needed him, as much as he wished she didn't, and he did not know what to do with that. He wanted to embrace that and to tell her to trust him and let him do what nobody else had ever done for her, but he knew that it would end terribly.

It always had done for him.

As the carriage finally arrived, he realized just how exhausted he was. He hadn't slept at all, far too preoccupied with how lovely his wife looked while she slept and constantly preparing himself for his terrible luck to rear its ugly head and needing to protect her from whatever was coming. Nothing had happened, however, and now he had to retire to his room.

"We are here," he said gently, and she stirred.

"Did I fall asleep?"

"Rather quickly, yes, which is exactly what I was hoping for. Now, it is quite dark, and so you shall not see the household very well for the moment, but we can do all of that in the morning once we are both rested."

"Alright." She nodded, still clearly in a sort of slumber.

He helped her out of the carriage, and there was no staff to greet the two of them as they entered the household. This had been Diana's request; she had not wanted them to go to such lengths for the two of them when they could just as easily do all of the formalities the following day. He had questioned her at the time, but now that he was in the state that he was in, he was simply grateful for her intuition. He could go to bed far sooner.

Perhaps, when his duchess was well rested, she might be in awe of the estate that she would soon be expected to run, but at that moment, all she seemed to do was follow along behind him with a faint smile on her lips, lips that he had kissed just hours before and ones that he truly wished to kiss once more.

"Are we to have separate rooms, or are we to have an actual honeymoon?" Diana asked him.

He blinked, staring at her. A lady was not supposed to know about such matters.

"Diana, I do not know what you mean."

"Colin," she said softly yet pointedly, "I am not a fool, and you shall not take me for one. I know what is expected of me tonight."

"How?"

"I asked a maid. I know that you know what this night should entail, so I shall ask you again. Is this to be a real honeymoon?"

He bit his lip. He knew what he wanted to say, as any gentleman who had just married would, but he also knew that he respected her far too much to do anything of that nature. His friend. She was his friend and always would be, and they had been quite clear on the matter of children.

"I shall let you decide," he uttered.

"But you are the husband."

"And when has that ever made a difference to us?"

"I know, but the maid told me you might change your mind once you owned me."

"Owned you?" he echoed. "I cannot believe what I am hearing. Are you overtired?"

"Possibly." She laughed softly. "You are right, I am acting out of sorts. I shall stay in my room tonight, and then we shall discuss the matter in the morning, when you and I are in a better position to discuss it."

He simply nodded. He did not know what had happened to her, but he did not like how willing she was to placate him should he ask. It was not her nature, and such a sudden change could only have meant that something had happened to her, something that she was not telling him, and such a prospect made him feel quite unwell.

"Very well then," she replied. "Might you show me to my room?"

"Of course."

Colin soon realized that such a situation would not be ideal. His father had arranged the bedchambers so that they were apart from one another. He was to stay in the east wing, and Diana on the other side of the house, with the nursery in the middle—not that it mattered of course.

"This is your room," he explained, opening the door.

She stepped inside with wonder. "This is… Well, it is far larger than my bedchamber back home."

"This is your home now," he reminded her.

"Oh! Yes, I suppose it is, isn't it?" She laughed softly. "Then I shall call the other place my father's house. In any case, this room is far larger."

"Then I can only hope that you are comfortable here. I would hate for you not to be."

"It is perfect," she assured him. "Now, where is your bedchamber, in case I need you?"

He shifted from one foot to the other. "It is on the first floor, on the other side of the house."

"But this is the third floor, Colin."

"I am aware."

"So you shall be that far away?"

He nodded. He had hoped that she would like such an arrangement, even if he did not, but he immediately he saw how crestfallen she was at the prospect. He hoped that she would call it unfair and tell him that it did not suit her at all so that he did not need to push her, but she simply nodded sadly. He would have suggested otherwise, but she seemed so willing to do whatever he wanted that he did not dare. It had to be her choice, whatever happened.

"Goodnight, then," he said suddenly. "I shall see you in the morning."

"Yes, goodnight," she mumbled, closing the door firmly the moment he stepped outside.

He felt as though he had committed a great grievance against her, but he did not know what to do. He had done it for her, had he not? It was for her own sake, even though he wished to spend the night with her.

And it was not even because he wanted anything from her. It was simply because they had hardly seen each other that day. It had all been about vows and their first dance and the festivities and showing all in attendance that they were the match of the Season, even if Colin was quite aware that the opinions of those in attendance would not be so easily swayed. Regardless, he had barely spoken a word to her in spite of the fact that they had been together all day and he missed her.

And it was quite ridiculous, he thought as he entered his own bedchamber, that he was her husband and she was his wife, and yet due to a decision his father had made years ago, they had to be kept so far apart. It hardly made any sense. That was when he realized that his father was no longer the Duke, he was, and so he could make any decision that he wanted.

He knew, of course, exactly what that was.

All in all, he managed an entire ten minutes before returning to his wife's room.

"Colin!" she gasped, still in her corset. "What are you doing here?"

"I do not wish to be alone tonight," he said quietly.

"But you have been alone every night. What is so different?"

"It was hardly a choice before. Now it is, and I refuse to choose it."

And, though he could not tell whether or not he was surprised by it, she did not argue any further and instead opened the door immediately.

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

"We have hardly spoken. I wanted to know how you are, now that we have arrived and you have had some time to think."

"I am perfectly content," she replied. "Your house, what I have seen of it, at least, is magnificent and I am sure that in time I shall feel quite at home too."

"It is our house now."

"Our house." She nodded. "Yes, our house is lovely."

He sighed, sitting on the edge of her bed, and she gingerly seated herself beside him.

"Something is troubling you, isn't it?"

Yes, he wanted to say. Yes, I was supposed to live and die as a bachelor and now I have a wife who is beautiful and has sacrificed everything throughout her life and now she has to live out her days with a wretched man who cannot offer her anything that she needs no matter how much he wishes to.

"No, of course not."

He did not wish to cause her any more concern than she clearly already had.

"I would prefer it if you told me when there was something amiss," she said gently. "If this is to work, then you and I must at least try to communicate with one another."

"And I will when necessary. For now, I am far more concerned with you and how you are feeling."

"Ah," she said, almost smirking. "Well, I am being quite hypocritical if I am being honest. I will tell you, but not right now. It is not the time."

"It is always the time," he pressed. "There will never be a time where I do not want you to be honest with me. Whatever it is, we can fix it, I promise."

"I know, or at least I believe I do. I only mean that I would rather discuss it when we have slept."

"Very well, then. We shall sleep."

He stood to leave, but she took his wrist in her hand. He looked at her hand, and then looked at her face. She was as white as a sheet, her wide eyes not moving from her own hand.

"Do forgive me," she said quickly, releasing him.

"Do you not wish for me to leave?"

"You can do what pleases you."

"I wish to be the one to please you," he whispered, stepping dangerously close to her, "Tell me what to do, and I shall do just that, but I will only do it if you tell me to."

"I—You are the husband."

"I am your husband," he corrected her. "So until you tell me to go or to stay, I will not do anything."

"Then stay," she pleaded at last.

She could not have said anything more beautiful in such few words.

"Is that what you want?"

"I do not want anything else. I do not know what you have in store for me tonight, but I want it. I want you. It is all that I want."

And perhaps it was because she never truly had expressed what she wanted, but he nodded and lay down in the bed beside her. He told himself that that was the reason, at least. She was a friend, and his friend wanted company, and he could give her that. He ignored the way she looked with a single curl falling over her face as she fell asleep once more, and the fact that there was a delicate smile on her lips, and the way she was still wearing that dreadful corset and was somehow managing to sleep with it on. She was his friend, and a good one too, and he was going to protect her.

Yet, even though he was exhausted, it took a long time before he stopped watching her and closed his eyes.

The following morning was strange. Colin was quite convinced that Diana had moved into his arms during the night, but when he awoke, she was no longer there, so he assumed that it had been a dream. It had felt so real, though.

He had been married but a day and he was already convinced that he was becoming mad.

In fact, were it not for the fact that he was in the Duchess's room, he would have believed that he had dreamt the entire night up. Diana was gone, along with any trace that she had been there at all.

It had not been a dream, of course, and he found her in the drawing room, drinking tea with a lady's maid. He had found one for her, knowing perfectly well that her sister would need the one that they shared far more.

"You are finding your way already, I see," he said brightly.

"Good morning, Your Grace!" she said brightly, immediately going to pour his tea. "Yes, I apologize for disappearing, but I simply had to look around."

"I do not blame you, although I was hoping that the housekeeper would take you for a tour herself."

"She did." Diana laughed softly. "It is the afternoon, you know."

As it turned out, Colin certainly had required sleep.

"Ah, well, in that case, I am glad that you know your way around."

"It shall take some time for me to remember it all, but yes. It was quite thorough, too, and so I shall have no excuses if I am dreadful."

"You will not be dreadful, I assure you."

"The Viscountess Livingston is truly dreadful, you know," the lady's maid said kindly to Diana. "That is where I am from. Believe me, you cannot run a household as terribly as she does. She runs through at least ten servants a week if you can believe it."

"Ten?" Diana echoed. "Very well, I am not sure whether that concerns me even more or if it soothes me. I am quite sure that even I will not be that terrible, at least."

"You will not." The lady's maid smiled.

Colin was quite proud of himself that he had managed to find the perfect lady's maid for his wife. They would be friends, he was sure of it.

"Emma," he said gently, "might you give my wife and me a moment? I require a word with her."

"Certainly, Your Grace." Emma nodded, before giving a quick smile to Diana and leaving.

"She is wonderful." Diana beamed. "Thank you for finding her for me."

"There is no need to thank me. Now, last night, you told me that you needed to tell me something, as it is troubling you. I wish to know."

Suddenly, she seemed completely uneasy around him. He did not like how uncomfortable she was, nor how quickly it came over her.

"If you are still not ready to tell me?—"

"No," she said quickly. "No, it is quite alright. I will tell you now. I simply—Well, I do not know where to start."

"Take all of the time that you need," he said kindly, "I am here."

She took a breath, leaning back into her seat. "It will be of no surprise to you, but it is about my father."