17. Steph

CHAPTER 17

Steph

“You have a package.”

I glanced up at my twin as he marched up the three steps to the wraparound porch where I sat watching the grass grow. Not really, but that’s what it felt like, considering I wasn’t able to get a job until after the baby came along.

“It came to your house?” There was no reason for anything I ordered to show up at my brother’s place, since I’d purchased my own home on the outskirts of town. I only had to live with him for five weeks while all the closing stuff happened with the new house.

Mom had stayed for three weeks, which was long enough for my dad who told her to get her ass back home, even if she had to bring me with her. It was said lovingly, but they both knew that I couldn’t leave. They lived near Gatlinburg, Tennessee and Denmark was here. It was too far to go and I still didn’t have legal rights to take Denmark anywhere. Not that I would take him from his father if that ever happened.

“I’m guessing it’s something from Ollie, since it showed up at my house.”

“Then I don’t want it. You can keep it or send it back.”

“What if it’s something for the baby? Don’t you at least want to take a look?”

I glared hate-filled daggers at my brother. He knew I couldn’t resist if there was a chance it was something for the baby.

“Fine, give it here.” I held my hand out but Steve turned around and went back to his truck. “Where are you going?”

“To get your package.”

For some strange reason, the thought that Ollie was the package, and Steve had brought him here, made me giddy with excitement. It only took a couple seconds for me to tamp that down. The pregnancy hormones had been doing a number on me. I rubbed my burgeoning belly and wished, for about the millionth time, that Ollie hadn’t been a lying cheater. In all my dreams of having a family, I never envisioned having to go through my whole pregnancy without someone there to be excited for all the little milestones. He was supposed to be there to rub my swollen feet, feel the baby kick, hear the heartbeat with me, see our little one waving their hand at us in the ultrasound.

I figured he had done those things with Jia when she had been pregnant with Denmark since he was so gung-ho about the woman. Thinking about him doting on her pregnancy made me angry all over again because he had been there for none of mine so far.

“You know he’d be here, if you’d let him.” I startled, having been so lost in thought that I didn’t hear my brother approach.

“You say that every time you’re here. Why do you have to keep reminding me?”

“Because you’re miserable. He’s miserable. Mostly because you’re missing out on the things you’ve always wanted and dreamed of.”

“He took those dreams from me the day he cheated, Steve.”

“Here,” He offered and held out a tiny little box.

I giggled. “What the hell, Steve? I thought you went back to get some giant thing. You could have brought this up the first time.”

My brother pointed over his shoulder. “That’s just the first one.”

“The first one? I thought you said ‘a package’.”

“A package with lots of parts?” He offered as a question.

“So there’s an order?”

“Yeah, there’s an order to them. That one first.” I glanced back up as my brother answered.

“Thought you didn’t know where the package came from?”

“Did I say that? I don’t remember saying that.”

I sighed. “What’s going on Steve?”

It looked to be about the size of a ring box, but there was no way someone had sent me a ring, considering my stupid fat fingers were too swollen to wear them. I peeled the cream and gold paper away and sure enough, there was a ring box. It was unusual though, as it seemed a tad bigger.

I opened it to see a mint green pacifier with an inscription on it. When I looked closer, the inscription was set in gold and read: I have the best mom!

I held the pacifier in my hand and stared at the inscription so long that Steve had to clear his throat to remind me that he was still there.

“These gifts aren’t from you?” I asked. When my eyes met with my brother’s identical pair, he shook his head. Neither of us willing to say the name of the person who had sent them. It didn’t stop me from knowing.

Steve handed me another, larger rectangular-shaped box. I opened it to find a matching baby bottle and coffee mug.

The bottle said: Mornings with Mommy

The coffee mug said: Mommy’s Prayer: Quiet mornings without poopy diapers.

Despite knowing who sent these things, I couldn’t hold back the laugh. Steve moved closer and took a good look at all three items. He smiled down at me before he ran to his truck for something else. While he was gone, I went to put everything back in their boxes when I noticed there was something taped to the lids.

When I peeled it off the pacifier box lid, I was greeted with a picture of Denmark wearing a Best Big Brother shirt and a matching smile that lit up the photo. The photo attached to the other box had a picture of Ollie and Denmark standing side-by-side wearing nearly identical grins, though Ollie’s didn’t reach his eyes the way his son’s did. They both wore t-shirts that said: Waiting for another member of our family. It had a picture of a boy holding a baby on it.

On second glance, that was only what Denmark’s shirt said. Ollie’s was a little different. His read: Waiting on the rest of my family. Ollie’s shirt had a man standing next to a little boy and an outlined spot for the woman and baby that were missing from his life.

I swiped at the tears I didn’t realize had fallen until one dripped on the second picture. I quickly shook it off and set it to the side as my brother returned with two more boxes.

“Why the tears?” My brother asked as he set the boxes down. I handed him the pictures.

“Damn, he really knows how to go for the heartstrings, huh?”

“Why is it that you don’t seem angry with him anymore?”

Steve shrugged. “Don’t get me wrong, Sis. I still want to punch the asshole in the balls a few times. I think he started out in a shitty place with you, but I also think somewhere along the way you worked your magic on him.”

I huffed out an unflattering noise. “Obviously not, since he chose to have sex with someone else.”

“Once. He regretted it. I think he’s learned a hell of a lesson.”

“So, you think I should just forgive him for everything?” I asked, completely shocked at my twin.

Steve shook his head. “Normally, I’d say hell no. I want to say no. I want to tell you to run far, far away and never look back.”

“But?”

“But you have kids together. You’re going to be in one another’s lives for years to come. How will you handle it when he does start to date someone else? I already know he won’t do well when it’s you dating some other man.”

“I think we’ve already seen how I would handle him with another woman, since it happened during our marriage.”

Steve shook his head. “Nope. That was a tryst at best, blackmail, and a hate fuck to start it all. It wasn’t love. It wasn’t engagements, marriage to someone else, and more children with them. It wasn’t having to watch another woman help raise your kids and you not getting a choice in whether you think she’s fit for the job.”

“So, I should go back to him because it will kill me to see that, to have to make room for another person parenting my child? That doesn’t seem like the right reason to make that decision, Steve.”

“No, but the fact that you still love him does.” He held his hands up before I could make a rebuttal. “Seeing those pictures wouldn’t have brought you to tears if you didn’t.”

“No matter what, I want to get divorced.”

“Even if you got back together with him?” I nodded my head. “That doesn’t really make sense. Why?”

“He married me as a business arrangement. I married him for love. We were not on equal footing going into our marriage. Every day I woke up and looked for him, every time he came home late from work, I’d wonder. Is this the day that he reminds me it was all just an arrangement? Is this the day he breaks my heart and fires me as his wife so that he can get the newer, younger, better version that came out.”

“Damn, Sis. That’s rough, but I guess I see your point.”

“Why are you helping him?”

“I’m not.” Steve pulled in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m helping you make a decision that will change your life forever. You are still able to say no to him. I do think you should cut him a little slack where the baby is concerned though. If I was going to be a father and couldn’t be a part of the pregnancy, I think it would drive me mad. It would also build a huge resentment up for the mother who kept me from those experiences.”

“So, it’s okay if I resent him for cheating and lying, but I should be the bigger person and include him in the moments that are supposed to bring me joy?”

“I’m just telling you how I would feel. I know he did wrong, but is this really how you want to punish him? You’ve been miserable at every appointment you’ve gone to. I’ve seen you looking longingly at the other couples in the doctor’s office. Why not put everything aside, so you can both bond with your baby together before it’s here?” When I sat there quietly processing his words, he added more to his argument. “You can still hate him. You don’t have to get back together with him. But this is something you should both get to experience.”

I had already been miserable doing it on my own and guilty for stooping so low as to exclude Ollie – even if my heart felt like he deserved it. He hurt me. He didn’t intentionally set out to hurt our child. If I kept shutting him out, I would build a rift that would hurt our baby in the future.

“You’re right about the pregnancy. I’ll stop excluding him. I’m still going through with the divorce though. I won’t remain in a marriage where I wasn’t loved from the beginning.”

“I think that’s fair.” Steve pointed to the new boxes. “Are you ready for more or do you want to take a break?”

“Might as well get it all over with at once.”

Each box I opened became less about messages and more about things that would be needed for a new baby. Instead of pictures, the other boxes came with notes. The first nearly ripped my heart out.

Steph,

I don’t know if you already bought anything because I haven’t spoken to you in so long. Not for lack of trying, but everyone told me you needed time, especially after… Well, you know. That close call was all on me. I’m so sorry. I can’t say those words enough because they’re just words, but they’re all I have for now.

If you already have any of this, feel free to donate what you don’t need. I wanted to make sure that the burden didn’t fall on you. We were supposed to be in this together. I understand that you don’t want me there, since I’m the source of your pain, but if this helps alleviate any burden you may be feeling, then I’ll take it as a tiny win.

I miss you.

I love you beyond words and am so damn sorry I was too stupid to see that sooner. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to prove it to you. Until then, I will do what I can and leave you with a promise that wasn’t in my wedding vows. I will never be with another woman unless you choose to take me back. You should have been my only from the moment we got serious and you moved in anyway. I should have never answered that message from her. I should have never gone. She should have remained in my past. I can’t take any of it back, but I can make promises for the future.

I will keep my word, for you.

Loving you from a distance,

Ollie

The box the letter came with was for a car seat I wanted to get, but had been debating on because I didn’t want to splurge too much when I’d still have to find a job after the baby was born.

Steve helped me pull the next box closer to me. It was a pack and play with a bassinet feature in the same cream and mint green color scheme as everything else. I opened the letter that came with it.

Steph,

Mom advised me that the green is a neutral color, since we don’t know what gender the baby is. She also said to tell you that she misses you and she promises not to tell me anything if you will allow her to come visit.

That made me feel awful. Monica had always been good to me and I had shut her out since the hospital incident. It wasn’t really on purpose, but when I got out of the hospital, my mom and brother were there to baby me. Steve would pick up Denmark to bring him to me and he would drop him back off when he needed to go to his grandma’s house or his dad’s.

We had kept up with that tradition, but I hadn’t realized until just now, when it was shoved in my face so politely, that I had essentially cut off Monica, especially since I’d also changed my phone number. I meant to give it to her, but hadn’t really needed to since my brother had been playing the go-between. That was something else I would need to fix. I glanced back down at the letter.

If you don’t like it, you can tell Steve to bring it back and I’ll leave it with Mom.

I keep trying to imagine what you look like now. Has your stomach popped out? Have you felt our baby kick? There are so many things I’m missing out on and I have no one to blame but myself. I need you to know that I don’t blame you.

I went to the house the day you were taken to the hospital. I found your phone, and still have it. What’s worse is that I found everything else. The blood in the spot where you’d been sitting surrounded by our life together that you shredded… Jesus, Steph, it felt as though my heart were ripped out and shredded on the floor with all our pictures.

I don’t blame you.

I hate that I caused you those feelings.

I hate that I could be the man who drove you to that, who put you in the hospital because of my cruel behavior and the words I spoke, even though I didn’t mean them. And I didn’t. I tried to convince myself that they were still true. They weren’t.

Do you know what that video didn’t show? The next seconds that followed how it ended would have shown me throwing up violently and screaming at Jia to never contact me again. If you had to see that fucking video, I wish you had been able to see the aftermath.

I’m not proud of what I did. The guilt and immediate regret swamped me from that moment forward. It has only compounded in the passing months.

I am to blame for everything. I know that.

I respect your decisions, but it is my greatest wish to see you while your belly is swollen with my baby. To hear the heartbeat, see a foot stick out on your belly, to watch the joy in your eyes as you experience all those things. I am missing the best moments in this life because I screwed up so miserably.

I’m rambling because I have so much I want to convey to you, and these letters are the only way to communicate those things. I’ll stop here because it isn’t fair to dump all my thoughts and regrets at your feet.

Please know, and believe, that I love and miss you.

Loving you from a distance (until you’re ready),

Ollie

“Are you okay?” I stopped staring at the letter in my hands to look at my brother. As my head shook left to right I handed him the letters. He read them in order with a tight-lipped expression on his face the whole time, as if he was afraid to give away any reaction at all.

“That is a lot to take in,” Steve finally spoke and all I could do was nod in agreement. It was a lot to take in. There had been so much damage done to not only my trust but the foundation of our entire relationship. It hadn’t been real from the beginning. That was why I couldn’t remain married to the man. Even if he hadn’t cheated, I wouldn’t be able to stay married to him because our wedding had been a lie.

“Do you think he really means it?”

“I know he does. That doesn’t change his actions at all.”

“So, you think he really loves me?” I questioned again.

Steve sighed. “Steph, I think that man has loved you longer than either of you even realize. He was just too hung up on some false future he promised himself to see that things changed, his feelings grew, and you became the future he had been hoping for all along.”

“I don’t know.”

“I do because he wouldn’t have gone to the lengths he has to make sure you’re safe and healthy, he wouldn’t have stayed away when all he wanted was to hunt you down and be by your side.”

“No one will give him the information.”

“You don’t think he could hire a PI and find you in a quick minute? I guarantee the man already knows your address and probably your phone number too. The fact that he hasn’t used them speaks volumes about how he is trying to respect your choices.”

“Was this the last of the presents?”

“There is more, but this is all I brought today. I told him we could start with this and then I’d see what you wanted to do about the rest.”

“Okay.”

I didn’t answer Steve because Ollie and my brother had both given me a great deal to think about. No matter what, I had to stop being selfish with the pregnancy, and I had to be a grown up and come up with a plan to coparent peacefully with my soon-to-be ex-husband, if nothing else.