Chapter 11

Chapter

Eleven

Jacey cried. Cade held her. She appreciated Quaid sharing pieces of the truth with her, even if it made her feel more miserable. She was grateful she'd stood up for her brother when she could but horrified by even the snippets he'd shared. She'd descended from a monster. When her memories returned, she would probably be even more miserable. Cade was incredible to stay with her, hold her, comfort her. What would she do without him?

Swallowing, she eased back enough to wipe at her cheeks and tell him, "Heaven knew exactly where to deposit me this morning. I would be lost without you. Thank you for allowing me to disrupt your life and caring for me with patience and grace."

"My pleasure." He looked her over. "That was a lot to take in from Quaid. Are you all right?"

"It is overwhelming," she admitted. "Do you believe my mind could consciously block my past because of how horrific it was?"

He shrugged. "I'm no doc, but it's possible. With you hitting your head, the terrifying ride down the mountain face first, the bad news of your mother escaping, and all that you've been through, it makes sense that your mind would block the memories to protect you."

She nodded, tempted to cuddle into Cade and spend the rest of the day there.

But she couldn't. Her brother thought she was brave, incredible, and unselfish. That was what she yearned to be.

Removing herself from the safety of Cade's strong arms was grating, but it had to be done. She stood and brushed her hands down her tight Levis as if they were a business suit she was straightening.

Had she ever dressed this way before she escaped? She should ask Cade to search pictures of her and her family online, but she had cried enough. Thinking of her older sister and father made her heartbroken rather than fearful like her mother.

"My brother is inspiring and willing to risk himself. I loathe him doing that, but I will pray for his safety and for his Anna. I am putting away the tears and focusing on this sanctuary you have surrounding us. What work can we do to maintain this pristine haven?"

Cade stood to his full height. He was a large, breathtaking man clad in T-shirt, jeans, and boots, his face that rugged handsome that shouted ‘hot cowboy,' but more than that his green eyes sincerely showed concern for her. His strong muscles would be utilized to strengthen and protect her.

"You don't need to be doing any more chores. "

"I demand we do exactly what you would do if I were not here."

He eased closer, and her pulse quickened. Musk and leather and fresh air. Titillating. Mind-clouding. "You want to do what I do in the afternoon?"

"Yes, sir."

He smiled and for some reason that smile was dangerous. It made her stomach somersault. "I lounge on the couch and watch a James Bond movie every afternoon."

"You do not." At least she knew who James Bond was.

He tilted his eyebrows. "You doubt me, or you don't want to snuggle on the couch?"

Her heart sped out of control. Snuggling on the couch? Had she ever done that with a man? She didn't believe so. Especially a man this enticing. "Not a good idea."

His eyes widened, and she thought he would tease back. Instead, he straightened away from her and nodded. "You're right. Forgive me. I wasn't trying to?—"

An awkward silence fell between them. He hadn't wanted to ‘snuggle on the couch.' He had only been teasing her, giving her a hard time like a brother would do? She didn't think of him as a brother like Quaid, Clint, or Easton.

"Let's do something outside," she suggested. "It's too beautiful out there to waste this day."

Snuggling on the couch wouldn't qualify as a waste. Far from it.

"All right. A horseback ride? A hike? Swim in the lake?"

All of the above, please, she wanted to cry out.

"You don't have work to do?"

"Nothing that can't wait. I'll need to feed tonight. We can check fence line and bait traps if you favor a ride. "

"Horses, please." She couldn't resist clapping her hands together.

"Was there a hat in your suitcase? I don't think mine will fit you."

"I will go look." She sprang toward the stairs, but turned back. "Can you wait for me?"

"Jacey Oliver … you are my top priority."

That slow cowboy smile melted a piece of her that had probably been frozen for years. She wanted to be his top priority always. She wanted to see that smile multiple times a day for the rest of her life. Her mind raced away with dreams of her and Cade. That wasn't a prudent path, but it enticed her. Especially when compared to stewing on the lack of solid memories or what Quaid had shared about their demented mother.

"Thank you." She ran up the stairs, shuffled through the suitcase, and found a pink baseball cap that said Not Your Princess . An odd and sassy saying, to be sure. Was it hers? Maybe someone had gifted her such a hat.

Rushing back down the stairs, she saw that Cade had not budged. His large form and manly bearing appealed to her on every level. Thank you for this man , she prayed. His gaze lifted to her, and she proudly held the hat up, attempting to hide the emotion Cade aroused in her.

"Not your princess?" He gave a grunt. "I wonder who bought you that."

"My wager is on Easton."

He did not smile like she imagined he would. Instead, he crossed the distance to her and put out his hand. "Let me help you get all that hair inside the cap."

"I would appreciate your help." She handed over the hat.

Her anticipation ramped up as he stepped in close and his body overshadowed hers. He held the cap in one hand and ran his fingers through her hair with the other.

Jacey quivered and miraculously did not fall over. The feel of his fingers trailing along her scalp was bliss, especially combined with the depth of feeling in his green eyes. Even without her memories, she knew this was the most romantic moment she had ever experienced.

Cade continued, gently running his fingertips from the edge of her face and back through her hair until he seemed to have covered every inch of her scalp. He hadn't secured her hair, simply made her shiver with longing for more of his touch.

He brought the hat up and secured it on her head. It fit nicely.

"Thank you," she managed. Can we repeat that sequence over and over again?

"My pleasure."

She loved when he said that.

He picked up his cowboy hat off the coffee table and they walked together to the front door. He already had his cowboy boots on, and she had put runners on after her shower. They walked onto the porch and he plunked his hat on his head.

She gazed up at him. His green eyes locked on hers.

"I had no idea that cowboys were the most fascinating and handsome of men," she said. Should she be so transparent? What did she have to lose? She might be relocated or captured by her mother tomorrow.

His slow grin came as a reward for her risky statement. He stepped closer and cupped her waist and hip with his palm. Fire raced through her, as unfamiliar as it was enthralling. "I had no clue famous and wealthy ladies were the most mesmerizing and gorgeous of women. "

Jacey bit her lip to hide her pleasure at him returning the compliment. She had no desire to be a famous and wealthy lady. She wanted to stay right here with this intriguing cowboy.

Cade's gaze darted to her mouth and hunger filled it. Delicious warmth started in her chest. He slid his hand around to her lower back and slowly drew her closer with the perfect amount of pressure from his large palm.

She arched up toward him as he bent down. Her cap bumped into the underside of his cowboy hat, tipping it up a few inches.

They both startled, and she laughed nervously.

He smiled, but then he did the last thing she wanted. He straightened, released his grip on her, fixed his hat, and gestured to the barn. "One ride around the valley coming up."

Deflated. No. Deflated wasn't strong enough. She wilted. Her one chance to kiss a rugged, gorgeous, perfect cowboy, and he had backed away.

She kept a smile on her face and walked toward the barn, jumping in to help as he saddled Jack, his huge black horse. The stallion fit her visions of her strong cowboy on his back. She was comfortable around the large animal and instantly enamored with him. She knew how the harness worked and the proper way to cinch the saddle. Cade thanked her, appraising her.

"American Quarter Horses?" she asked as they opened another stall to retrieve Annie. He had explained the mare did not spook easily, but she was quick and light on her feet.

"How'd you know that?" Cade turned to look at her.

She lifted her hands; she had no idea. They saddled Annie together, and Cade regarded her like a piece of the puzzle was falling into place .

He led both horses out of a large barn door, then slid it shut behind him. "All right. Let's get you on Annie's back."

"Thank you."

He held the stirrup. "Put your left foot in here."

She did, and it felt natural.

Cade straightened and grasped her waist in his hands as if to boost her up. She loved the feel of his hands on her, but he had walked away from the kiss earlier. It was time for her to pull away, not get sucked in every time they touched. She grasped the pommel, pushed off the ground with her right foot, and easily used the strength of her left leg to swing herself into the saddle.

Glancing up at her, Cade handed over the reins. "I was going to lead you for a bit. Something tells me I don't need to."

She smiled. She felt confident, secure, and at home in the saddle. "I think you are correct."

"I need to Google it, but I'm also remembering some pictures of you on a very famous horse."

"Pardon me?" She held the reins against the horn with one hand, placing the other to her heart, and stared down at him.

He nodded. "You haven't asked, but would you like to see some of the pictures of you and your family online?"

Terror raced through her. See the pictures of her demon mother, her puppet father and older sister? The only ones she wanted to see photos of and try to remember were Quaid and Anna. Yet she feared if she did, the floodgates would open and all the evil and pain lurking at the edges of her memory would overwhelm and destroy her.

"No, thank you," she said softly.

"If you're sure…" His green eyes penetrated her defensive wall and sensed her fear .

She held his gaze and willed herself to look confident and brave. She felt neither. The horse underneath her reassured her. Steady and familiar. She loved Annie already.

"Okay," he relented. "Let me know when you're ready for that step."

"Thank you."

He nodded, then strode to Jack and swung into the saddle. His arm and leg muscles flexed from the movement, and he straightened, tall and perfect in the saddle.

Cowboys? Enticing. Her cowboy? Absolutely mesmerizing.

Jacey's breath hitched at the compelling picture Cade made and the loyal, good man she already knew him to be.

He made a clicking sound and nudged Jack's ribs. They trotted out of the yard and toward the mountain opposite of the one she had fallen down.

Jacey made a double-kissing noise that she somehow knew she had done a thousand times. Annie started off at a walk but, with a little coaxing, trotted alongside Cade and Jack.

They rode along a fence line close to the slope of the mountainside to the northwest. The valley stretched on, bigger than she had glimpsed earlier today.

"You're at home on a horse," Cade said.

"I feel that. Thank you." At home? She was at home. She never wanted to go to her previous home. Even if she couldn't remember it, she knew it had been dark and painful.

"Sure. Do you want to canter?"

"Gallop, please."

Cade smiled and spurred Jack forward. They picked up the pace to a gallop. Annie needed little urging to move past a canter; she kept up with the boys. Jacey and the horse were fast friends .

They raced along the fence line toward the mountainside. Jacey felt free and happy, unencumbered by her past, her fears, or her future. It was only her, Annie, Cade, and Jack. She could soar on the back of a horse. Cade had given her this gift, but someone else had given it to her before. Someone who cared for her, though they could not reveal it. Quaid? She didn't think so.

She didn't waste time worrying about it. She let her worries go and enjoyed every moment of the ride. Cade glanced at her often. Every time, he would grin as if this were the most fun he'd had in a while. It was for her. She was certain.

They rode deep into the lush, green valley, verdant mountains arching and sheltering them. The fence was on their right even as they rounded to head toward the other mountainside. The cows they saw seemed happy and content.

Suddenly, Cade slowed Jack and held up a hand. "Something's wrong." He pointed.

She wasn't certain what she was looking for, but the cows, who had been grazing contentedly on the other side of the fence and spread out throughout the field, were in a clump, shifting on their hooves and mooing plaintively.

Jacey pulled back on the reins and said, "Whoa."

Annie stopped next to Jack. Cade slid off his horse and examined the barbed wire fence. She could see tufts of tan fur on it. He opened his saddlebag, tilting his head to the fence. "Something came through there." He eyed the cows in the distance.

She assumed he would pull out a tool to fix the fence, but he slid out a rifle. Oh. The ‘something' that broke through was a danger to his animals.

"What can I do to help?" she asked.

"Can you shoot as well as you ride?"

She laughed. "I seriously doubt it. "

He grinned. "We won't know until we try. I'll give you a shooting lesson when we get back."

"I love that plan." She was happy to try anything, especially if Cade was part of the equation.

"I'll be back soon. Are you all right waiting there?"

Waiting? Without him? She straightened her spine. She was safe on Annie's back and in Cade's perfect valley. He wouldn't be far away, and he would always come for her.

She patted Annie's neck. "Annie and I will be fine."

He nodded, commanded, "Go," and Jack took off. Cade looked majestic riding with one hand holding the reins and the pommel and one holding the rifle aloft. A real old West cowboy. Jack leaped over the fence, horse and man one in purpose—muscular and brave. They flew across the wide pasture.

She clucked to Annie and they trotted parallel to his route, along the outside of the fence, trying to see what he was angling for. The cows bleating in the grouping scattered at Cade's approach. He kept racing toward something.

Her eyes widened as she saw he was bearing down on a mottled brown and bloody shape. A dead animal. One of his cows? Nauseating.

A tan body darted away from the mass, racing for the fence line and the trees beyond.

Cade reined in his horse, aimed his rifle, and fired. The tan body missed a step and tumbled tail over cranium. He fired again and the body didn't so much as twitch.

Jacey reined Annie to a stop and stared in horror. The cow, or baby cow, had been killed, mangled, and eaten by the little tan creature.

Cade rode over to the bloody cow mass and hopped off. He looked it over and shook his head. Glancing back at her, he gave her an okay symbol with his hand, obviously wanting her to return it. She did. Her hand shook, but she didn't want to worry him. Cade had killed the predator to protect his cattle.

He nodded to her, stowed his rifle, and pulled out what she thought was a shovel. She didn't move, only stared. He shoveled a shallow depression, used the tool to push the mass into it, and covered it up with more dirt as cows bleated around him. Mourning one of their own.

Her breath came in quick pants, her chest tight. Death. The rifle shot. Bullet wounds. She could smell it, taste it. She knew death. And not just any death. She knew murder, life taken for selfish reasons, for more power. The tan creature was a predator, but he'd only been obtaining nourishment, not viciously killing for gain or pleasure.

Her forehead broke out in sweat, and then it chilled. She was stewing about ghastly deaths. Quaid had alluded to death and told a little of the torture. Thankfully she could not form a clear picture of the death, but she could almost hear voices begging for mercy, see eyes staring vacantly, smell blood.

She turned her head to the side and vomited. She spit but could not clear the bitterness from her mouth or her soul. Horror overcame her. Annie stirred underneath her but didn't move.

Jacey swung her trembling leg over and slid off the horse, resting her head against Annie's shoulder. She didn't want to see the images. She didn't want to remember. Ever. She was convinced her brain had blocked out her past. Maybe she simply couldn't handle the depravity any longer. Quaid acted like she was strong, telling the story of her leaping in front of his tormenters and clawing one, but she felt weak.

"Thank you, Annie," she murmured, leaning against the horse and sliding her arms around her neck .

Annie nickered to her.

Horses. She loved them. Almost as much as she loved cowboys.

She heard the thundering of hooves and lifted her head to see Cade racing across the wide pasture toward her. Straightening, she kept a hand on Annie to settle herself.

Jack leaped over the fence and landed about twenty feet away. Cade tugged on the reins, dismounted before Jack had stopped, and raced to her.

"Jacey?" His green eyes were full of concern. "You're white as a sheet. What happened?"

She swallowed, and it tasted horrible. "C-Cade …" His name came out on a sob. She ran for him, slamming against his solid chest.

Cade caught her in his arms and held her. "Whoa … there now. It's okay. I'm here."

He was here. Solid and real. She snaked her arms around his muscular back and clung to him.

"Sweetheart." His voice was tender and the term of endearment even more so. "Did something hurt you?"

"N-no," she managed. "I saw you kill the creature, heard the shot. I saw the poor, mangled, tortured cow. I know death and torture. I hate it, Cade. I hate it." She sobbed against him.

"Ah, sweetheart. I'm sorry." He cradled her tenderly yet firmly and let her cry.

He didn't say anything else as she cried freeing tears and breathed in the musk and leather scent of his neck. Sunshine. His bright light inspired her. She held onto his strength as if he could eradicate all the evil and pain in her past. How could she not remember? Yet she could. Her mother. It all stemmed back to her mother. Weren't mothers supposed to be nurturing and loving? Jacey's mother had tortured her own son, murdered people, and struck fear into people's hearts, especially hers and Quaid's. How awful.

What if she was awful too? Part of what Quaid had explained was that Catherine had hidden her evil deeds behind a faultless public persona for years. Nobody but her inner circle, her lackeys, and the people she manipulated, blackmailed, and murdered knew what was in her heart, and only their family and the most trusted guards knew the extent of her depravity. What if … what if her mother had trained Jacey right along with Elizabeth?

"Cade." She lifted her head, brought her hands around to his chest, and grasped his shirt in two fists. "What if I am a murderer?"

"Jacey." His voice was full of shock and denial. "That is not possible."

"What if I am like my mother and have been forced to do her evil work? Maybe I have this amnesia to block it all out because I cannot live with myself any longer."

"Ah, no. No." Cade slid his hands up to her face, cradling her jawline. They were working man's hands. They smelled like metal and dirt and maybe even blood, which made her stomach curdle. But none of that mattered because Cade was sincere and protective, the cowboy that could help her and maybe redeem her.

What if she wasn't redeemable?

"It would be impossible for you to fake the light in your eyes," he said, holding her gaze.

"How do you know?"

"I … have some experience with deception."

She waited for him to elaborate, distracted from her horrifying thoughts by that line. The woman he and Clint had both loved, or was it something else that had happened in his life? Possibly in the military? She wanted to know everything about his life. He'd told her about his parents and sisters this morning. She needed more, craved more of him and his goodness and a life well lived.

"You, sweetheart, are not deceptive."

"I pray you are right." She fought not to cry again. She didn't want to be a crier, but it seemed she had no control over what she wanted in her life. Choosing to stay here with Cade may have been the first time she had a choice. That made sense why Quaid was so insistent that she choose.

"I'm always right." He winked, and she choked out a laugh at that overconfident line. His grin helped alleviate the heaviness inside her. "Jacey, I should not have taken those shots. I reacted like I do every time a predator comes after or kills one of my cattle. It's my fault for killing the coyote and setting you off."

"Oh, no." She relaxed her grip on his shirt, her hands going flat on the muscles of his chest. His defined, rounded muscles were glorious. Touching him distracted her, but she had to reassure him. "You were protecting your cattle. That is who you are. The protective, tough cowboy. It's not your fault that seeing the death of the cow and the coyote triggered that reaction."

He studied her, his heart racing under her palm. "And it's not your fault that you have that reaction or those awful memories. You didn't create them."

She wanted to believe that.

"Wait." He cocked his head to the side. "Do you have memories of death and … other things?"

"Not solid memories, just snippets of impressions, smells, sights… It's like vapor." How could she explain her mind right now when she failed to understand it herself?

"Okay." He smiled softly, but then he released her face and eased back a step. "Let's get you back to the house. I think you've overdone it for today."

"No, please." She caught his hand before he could escape. "Let's ride longer. I feel free and happy on Annie."

"I like that." He rubbed Annie's neck. "She's a beautiful girl, isn't she?"

"And a very well-behaved one. I adore her."

"We train ‘em up right around here."

"You trained these horses?" She was surprised. That was a high-level skill in her mind.

"'Course. My dad and I trained Jack, Annie, and dozens of other horses for our ranches and other people. That's my dad's profession."

"And you didn't think this was pertinent information to share?"

He chuckled. "Forgive me. I'll try to spill all my information for you next time."

"You plan on that." She smiled, but she didn't believe he would. There was some woman in his past she needed to know about.

"All right. We'll keep riding for a bit, then we'll clean up, eat dinner, and either stare at the walls or watch a movie tonight. You need rest."

She would rather stare into his eyes. "A movie. You have a plethora of them, I take it."

"Yes, ma'am. I think we need to go for something light. A chick flick. Definitely."

"Are you telling me that my ultra-tough and impressive cowboy watches chick flicks?" She should not claim him like that, but she couldn't help herself.

"Not without some coercion, but I've seen a few." He gave her his slow grin.

Her stomach tumbled. The woman. He had watched chick flicks for her. Jacey didn't love that. But Clint had said she was gone in the rant she'd overheard. The lady who hurt two good men better never return.

Jacey sensed she would not be able to stay with Cade and protect him emotionally from this woman, even if she wanted to. The one thing she was learning about her life … it was not her own.