Chapter 13

13

T he reason Elizabeth was outside on this rare sunny day that felt far too bright for her mood had nothing to do with trying to elevate her spirits, and everything to do with spending time with her friends.

She had tried to invite the wallflowers to Langston Place where they could have privacy, but they had declined—a collective effort to enjoy one of the few days of sunshine in an otherwise bitterly cold spring.

In truth, Elizabeth had not wanted to go. Even knowing she would have a lovely time, the act of preparing to go out was a most arduous, miserable task. She did not want to don a pretty frock, or have her hair styled just so, or have to put on airs while out among the ton as she confessed to her friends that the fake engagement was soon coming to an end.

The location finally convinced her in the end, which was out of the way of London’s society—rather, they were on the outskirts, in a secluded section of Richmond Park. Really, the remote park was the ideal location to share such poor news, where there would be few ears to listen.

Elizabeth was the last to arrive, likely due to her lack of a desire to leave the house.

Lucy, Jillian, Amy, and even Hannah were there already. Likely this was why they had suggested the distant park, so that Hannah might join them despite her being in a delicate way. They waved in unison when they saw Elizabeth from where they all sat amid a large blanket spread upon the tender new grass, ignoring the chill in the breeze as they poured from a pot tea that would likely be cold before it could be sipped.

“What’s wrong?” Amy asked as Elizabeth approached.

“Nothing,” she lied quickly.

Jillian’s eyes narrowed. “It is clearly not at all ‘nothing.’”

“How do you always know?” Elizabeth asked, exasperated. She hadn’t prepared to launch into her tale of woe so soon after joining her friends.

She had wanted some fun, some laughter, a completed distraction from the misery of her current life.

And yet they all stared at her in expectation.

She sighed. “Jasper and I have started to distance from one another so our broken engagement will look convincing. See? It is nothing.” She could hear the forced brightness in her own voice that fooled absolutely no one.

“Oh, how horrible.” Amy’s gasp that followed seemed hollow somehow. Like a charade.

“It isn’t really,” Elizabeth said with false enthusiasm. “I don’t have to pretend anymore. It’s been dreadful if I’m entirely honest.”

Not all of it. In fact, very little of it had truly been dreadful.

“But were you pretending?” Jillian asked. “You’d seemed so…”

“Happy,” Lucy finished.

Elizabeth stared at her friends, at a total loss of words. They knew this would always be the outcome. With a little laugh, she tried to shrug off the weight of their words. “It was all an act, as you were well aware.”

“Then you are a very good actress,” Hannah said, a hand languidly stroking her large belly.

“That’s my line,” Amy mouthed.

“From what I’ve heard, I mean,” Hannah added quickly.

Elizabeth frowned. “What is this about?”

“Well, you’re clearly a better actor than we are,” Lucy said with a flash of her brilliantly white smile. “Because you had us fooled.”

“Fooled?” Elizabeth lifted a brow.

Amy took Elizabeth’s hand, her palm warm despite the cold day. “That you wanted to actually marry him.”

“I…” Elizabeth shook her head, the denial congealing in her throat refusing to emerge. “It isn’t meant to be.”

“Isn’t it?” Hannah asked, a slow smile spreading on her face.

Fear shot through her, so cold, the breeze felt suddenly balmy by comparison. “What are you talking about?”

The four women shared looks, appearing far more guilty than Elizabeth cared to admit.

“What have you done?” Elizabeth demanded.

“Umm…” Amy cringed and looked over Elizabeth’s shoulder.

She turned just in time to see Jasper walking up the path with his grandmother at his side.

“We may have set something into motion we cannot stop,” Jillian answered quickly. “And we’ve only done it because we love you.”

“And we want you to be happy,” Hannah added.

Jasper and his grandmother walked up the path toward the picnic. They were nearly upon them when Jasper looked up, his gaze going past the spread of confections and tea and finding Elizabeth.

His stare held hers and the entire world seemed to stop. The wind no longer played at her hair, the chill no longer pinched her cheeks, the sun no longer glinted blindingly overhead.

There was only her and Jasper and the world of unspoken longing that pulled at her like an anchor.

“Oh my,” Lady Darington cooed. “Imagine finding you ladies here.”

Jasper broke off his gaze from Elizabeth to cast his grandmother a withering look. “Yes, I imagine the idea of ‘needing some time away from the bustle of London’ to come specifically to this park was entirely coincidental.”

Lady Darington ignored him. “Lady Elizabeth, you do look lovely today.”

Elizabeth had seen herself in the mirror that morning and knew she most assuredly did not look lovely. The shadows under her eyes stood dark against the pallor of her skin, and she’d only barely scraped herself together to appear presentable with as minimal effort as possible.

“Please, the two of you ought to join us,” Amy offered.

“Yes, please do,” Hannah added. “There’s plenty of food.”

“That is kind of you,” Jasper started, just as Lady Darington beamed and spoke over him, “Don’t mind if we do. Jasper, go sit by your fiancée.”

Jasper only hesitated for a fraction of a moment, his jaw tight as he complied with his grandmother’s request. After all, they were supposed to still be engaged.

Elizabeth sat down and he sank down beside her on the blanket. She cleared her throat. “Would you like some tea before it gets cold on this blustery day?”

“You mean a day that is most definitely not suited for a picnic?” he asked with a lift of his brow. “By all means.”

Tension quickened in the air between them.

“Oh goodness, what is that?” Hannah exclaimed. “I believe it’s a rabbit!”

Elizabeth looked toward the bushes nearby, but didn’t see a rabbit.

“Indeed, it is,” Lucy said. “And it’s adorable.”

Lucy never said words like ‘adorable.’

This charade was truly ridiculous.

In fact, this charade was reminiscent of a near replica with a cat, when Lucy lured Hannah out so she might speak to Lord Brightstone when they were at odds with one another during their marriage.

“I should like to take a closer look,” Lady Darington announced. “I do love rabbits.”

“Of course she does,” Jasper said under his breath, but even as he did, a smile pulled at his lips and he shared a look with Elizabeth.

She couldn’t help but laugh and he chuckled, the wall of awkwardness crumbling as Jasper’s grandmother and Elizabeth’s friends hastened away after a nonexistent animal in an effort to force them together.

“Well, it appears we have been set up,” Elizabeth said with a laugh.

Jasper chortled. “They did work hard to get us to this point, did they not?”

The silence fell over them once more like a blanket.

Elizabeth picked at a loose thread on the hem of her dress. “I believe they are distressed at the end of our arrangement. I told my friends, as well as I’m sure you told your grandmother.”

Jasper drew in a quiet breath as if he meant to speak, then closed his mouth.

Elizabeth knew she ought to fill the conversation with something, but did not quite know what to say either.

He looked at her then—really, fully looked at her, the depth of those fathomless eyes searching her own in a way that touched her soul. “I am distressed at the end of our arrangement as well.”

Had he really said that?

“I beg your pardon?” she asked, hating that her voice seemed so small and insignificant that the wind almost carried it away.

Jasper shifted so he sat directly in front of her. “I don’t want our engagement to end.”

Jasper watched Elizabeth for her reaction, his heart pounding.

She drew a sharp intake of breath, her eyes searching his, as if trying to seek out the truth.

With hope?

Perhaps?

There was nothing for it, but to press on.

“While our engagement may have started as a ruse, my enjoyment of our time together has been entirely real,” he said. “I did not realize that until I wasn’t seeing you every day.”

She bit her lip. “I’ve enjoyed my time with you as well. And have also missed you.”

He exhaled a breath, feeling his body beginning to relax.

Several feet away, Bess was huddled with Elizabeth’s friends, searching for a rabbit that didn’t exist.

He chuckled. “They’re rather ridiculous with this pretense, aren’t they?”

“I hope for their sake, they really do find a rabbit.”

“Either way, I’m glad to be here with you.” He looked at Elizabeth once more.

She looked awful.

Rather, she was still beautiful—she would always still be beautiful—with those lovely blue eyes that reminded him of the endless stretch of a late summer sky, and her chestnut-brown hair that gleamed in the sun. And, of course, that full bottom lip that he recalled too often, remembering how soft it felt against his mouth, his tongue.

But it was evident she had not been sleeping well. The delicate skin under her eyes was dark, bruised with exhaustion, and the energy which usually seemed so boundless that it glowed about her now seemed dulled.

His own had dulled as well, without her.

“I know we started our engagement as a facade, a means to spare your reputation and allow your sister to marry Scorbridge, but I should very much like to continue our engagement.” He reached for her hand, hating the gloves they both wore that added cloth barriers to the wonderful intimacy of skin on skin.

“If we continue the engagement, you do know that your grandmother and my mother will be pushing for a springtime wedding.” She looked at their hands and then back up at him. “Which means this fake engagement will lead to a very real marriage.”

“I cannot imagine anyone whom I would rather marry than you.” He touched her face with his free hand, the fingertips of his gloves brushing her jawline as he recalled the silken feel of her.

Her breath came more quickly. “What are you saying, Jasper?”

She was asking him to say the words aloud, to break down the final barriers he’d built around his heart. He couldn’t remember the last time it had been laid so fully bare, so raw and open and vulnerable.

“I want to marry you, Elizabeth. Not as a ruse to mask a mistake on both our parts, innocent though they might have been, but in earnest. With the intention to be your husband and for you to be my wife.”

Elizabeth stared at him wide-eyed, cheeks pink from either emotion or the wind that pulled at the blue ribbons of her bonnet and made them dance in the wind.

Elizabeth’s friends and his grandmother had given up all pretense of finding the nonexistent rabbit and now had turned their unconcealed attention on Elizabeth and Jasper. He threw them a sardonic look and they all quickly turned away.

“Do you love me?” Elizabeth asked abruptly.

Jasper blinked. “I beg your pardon?”

“I know we’ve only known each other a short time and it’s probably a foolish thing to ask, but, well, do you love me?” She shrugged her shoulders up to her sheepish expression, looking suddenly as though she would rather be anywhere but there.

The question took him aback.

Had he not already laid down his pride? Had he not already opened his person and his heart to rejection when he asked her to marry him in earnest?

But love?

Love?

Such an emotion was a complicated maze, a trek he could not endeavor to pursue, not when he was not sure he could ever love again. His heart was too shattered for such a thing, most of the pieces too broken to put back together. Even the few he had managed to repair for Bess were badly cracked.

He could have easily replied with a light jest, but the earnestness of her gaze told him she wanted a genuine answer. And he knew in his soul she would not like what he had to say.

“Many marriages do not begin with love,” he answered finally.

Her face shuttered from him, almost a visible snapping closed of her expression. “So you do not love me.”

It was not a question, but a statement. And one he could not refute.

Because he did not love her. He did not love anybody.

He held her hand more firmly in his, as if by keeping her from physically pulling away, he might do so emotionally as well. “I’m sorry, but I do not.”

Her nod was stiff, but she left her hand tucked in his. “Do you think you ever could? Love me, I mean.”

He gazed into her lovely blue eyes, wanting nothing more than to lose himself in them and ascribe to every notion of love and romance he’d ever known.

But he couldn’t.

Love was poison, an insidious leech upon the body that drained one of reason and logic and opened oneself to exploitation. He had seen it many times in his life, not only with others, but with himself.

His mother had exploited his love to make him guard over his brother. A familiar ache stung at Jasper’s heart. And when he’d failed at that, his father had turned his mother’s love into something horrible, citing it for what had killed her in the end.

And putting the full blame on Jasper’s shoulders.

No, he could not love again. It was far too painful.

He shook his head. “Forgive me, but I don’t know if I can.”

She gasped out an exhale that sounded like a choked sob and wrenched her hand from his, the connection between them severing in a way that was jarringly abrupt and left him immediately bereft.

“Then my answer is no,” she said, her tone almost incredulous. “I deserve better.”

And in those words, she confirmed exactly what he knew and had always known. She did deserve better. Someone who didn’t have a stained past, someone whose heart was not so wounded that he could never open it fully again.

In this way, their soon-to-be broken engagement truly was for the best.