Fullepub 
Chapter 7
7
I knew as soon as you came inside of me. Your warmth filled me and I knew. I couldn’t blame you for thinking I was crazy—we’d been trying for months—but nearly three weeks later we laughed together lying on our bathroom floor like drunken fools. Everything had changed. You skipped work for the day, remember? We watched movies in bed and ordered takeout for each meal. We just wanted to be together. You and me. And her. I knew she was a girl.
I couldn’t write anymore. My head flew away every time I tried. To what she would look like and who she would be.
I began doing prenatal exercise classes. We started each class in a stretching circle where we introduced ourselves and said how many months along we were. I was fascinated to see what was coming, looking at the other women’s bellies in the mirror as we followed an aerobic routine that barely seemed worth doing. My own body was still unchanged and I couldn’t wait to see her make room for herself. In me. In the world.
Walking through the city to go about my day had changed. I had a secret. I half expected people to look at me differently. I wanted to touch my still-flat belly and say, I’m going to be a mother. This is who I am now. I was consumed.
• • •There was a day at the library when I flipped through books for hours in the Pregnancy and Childbirth section. I had just started to show. A woman walked by me, searching the spines for a particular book. The one she slid out from the shelf was a well-used guide to sleep.
“How far along?”
“Six months.” She scanned the table of contents with her finger and then looked at my middle before my face. “You?”
“Twenty-one weeks.” We nodded to each other. She looked like she used to make homemade kombucha and go to 6:00 a.m. spin classes, but now settled for leftover puree and a walk to the store for diapers. “I haven’t even thought about sleep yet.”
“Your first?”
I nodded and smiled.
“This is my second.” The woman lifted the book. “Honestly, just figure out the sleep and you’ll be fine. Nothing else matters. I really fucked that up the first time.”
I laughed, sort of, and thanked her for the tip. A child’s wail broke from across the library and she sighed.
“That’s mine.” She gestured up and over her shoulder, and then pulled out a second copy of the same book she was there for. She held it out to me and I noticed she had pink marker on her hands. “Good luck.”
She looked full and feminine from behind as she walked away, her wide hips, her shoulder-length hair creased from what sleep she had found. She felt, to me, so obviously a mother. Was it the way she looked, or moved? Was it the way she seemed to have more to care about than I did? When would this happen to me, this crossover? How was I about to change?
