2. Hallie

The clock on my nightstand reads 7:01 pm which means I am officially late. I hate being late, it’s something I have never been good at, but after letting my parents collar me into that extra game of Pictionary, I knew it would be inevitable. If it wasn’t for me already having plans with them I probably would have lay paralyzed until it was time for the party.

It’s Thanksgiving, and as always I enjoyed a lovely home-cooked meal prepared by my father, which my mother meticulously supervised until he eventually threw her out of the kitchen. That was swiftly followed by a game of Charades, with more questionable results, and then finally, Pictionary. It’s tradition. One that was cut short this year as I needed to rush back home to get ready for the annual Peters’ Family Charity Gala. Mayor Peters throws it every year, encouraging people to open their checkbooks for the needy, when in reality all he is trying to do is make himself look good, and as usual, I am already running late.

It was made worse when I got caught in traffic on the way home, another pet peeve of mine, but I thought I would still be able to make some of the time up if I just stuck to my usual routine of getting ready. Shower, shave, hair wash, dry hair, do makeup, finish hair, and then finally get dressed, it’s the same order I always do it in, and it helps me remain calm, even if I am running behind. Now I have my makeup done, and my hair half out of its rollers, as I step into my dress and realize it’s going to be a struggle to zip it alone.

Damn it, where is my best friend when I need her?

The only reason I attend these damn parties is for her, and she can’t even be here to help her best friend out in a dress crisis. I thought for sure she would be home by now, even though I know she is spending the holiday at the hospital with her boyfriend Nova. They are visiting his mom during her cancer treatments, but visiting hours will have come and gone by now, so I can only presume that he persuaded her into some alone time before she has to leave him. Maddie is being forced to attend her dad’s party too of course, although her father conveniently forgot to invite her new boyfriend. I scoff at the thought, imagining several ways I could make him suffer for everything he has put her through, none of them entirely legal, yet still it brings a smile to my face.

Scanning my room for my shoes, and trying and failing to fasten up my dress, and getting annoyed at how the fabric feels, I hear the doorbell ringing downstairs and curse. Who the hell could that be? Sighing, I stalk from my room, pulling out the last of my rollers as I go, and clutching my dress to keep it upright. When I am almost at the door, the person on the other side rings again, and I am ready to rip them a new one with the mood I am currently in, but when I swing it open I find the last person I expected to see, well not until the party at least.

Josh Peters.

I have known Josh since I was nine years old, but in recent years I have for some reason, become the absolute bane of his existence. We used to be best friends, inseparable really, and I’m not sure when that changed, I just know it did. Josh was eleven when I moved in next door to him, and I can still remember the very first time I saw him. My mom and dad were shouting orders to the movers and trying to contain the chaos, as all our earthly possessions were transferred from truck to house, and that meant I was left unsupervised to explore the grounds. It was December, yet still it was unusually cold, but when I came across the boy in the snow with a stick and a puck, the freezing air suddenly melted away.

He was a force on the ice even then, and all I could do was stand and stare in complete and utter fascination, as he flew around the makeshift rink he’d crafted out of rocks. I’d never had a crush before, but I was pretty certain that from the moment I laid eyes on him I was changed forever. That something in me was irrevocably altered, and as if moved by magic, I started walking towards him until I was standing in the middle of the fake rink and completely in his way. I expected him to yell, or at least tell me to shove off, but he just stared at me in wonder and confusion until he finally said, “Well, do you want to play or not?”

That was the first time he ever spoke to me, and the first of many games of hockey we played together, and to this day they are still some of my favorite memories from my childhood. It wasn’t long after that, that I was introduced to the rest of his family and met my best friend Madeline. Maddie and I bonded quickly over our shared love for Taylor Swift and our aversion to pickles. I mean, what else do you need at nine years old? Then we quickly became inseparable, sitting together in every class, and spending almost every evening in our rooms gossiping about anything and everything, yet not once did I ever speak of the butterflies in my stomach that occurred anytime I looked at her older brother.

My eyes unwillingly scan him from head to toe as I take in his strong muscular form, completely irresistible in his black tuxedo. His blond hair is tousled perfectly, just like always, and those blue eyes like steel are sharp, focused, and completely annoyed, just as they usually are when looking in my direction. He looks angry, which again is the norm lately, but there is a simmering tension burning beneath the surface, almost as if he is nervous or something, which isn’t like him at all.

I clutch my dress even tighter and take a deep breath to prepare for the battle with him. “To what do I owe this displeasure, Joshua,” I drawl, forcing my eyes to his, and praying he doesn’t notice the blush now burning up my neck. I’ve become an expert at hiding my feelings for him over the years.

Which is a stupid notion because of course he doesn’t notice, he never does. I’ve been in love with my best friend’s brother for almost a decade now and he still looks at me in the same way he did the day that I stepped in the middle of his rink. Yet tonight I can’t help but notice there is something different about him and his stare.

“Can I come in?” he asks, those ocean eyes sparkling with an intensity I have never seen before, and it makes it hard to breathe.

“Maddie isn’t here,” I force out, trying to subtly inhale another deep breath to calm my now racing heart. The only time he looks better than he does right now is when he is burning up a sweat in his hockey uniform, yet still his entire presence is distracting.

He offers me a grim smile. “I know,” he starts, clearing his throat. “I, er, I came to talk to you.” I was right, he does look nervous, which like I said, is a first for him. I haven’t seen him look this unsure since before he learned how to ignore the taunts his father would fire his way when we were young.

Too surprised to say anything, I step aside and let him pass as I try and recall the last time he ever came to me directly for anything. Of course, there is never a time we don’t talk. I see him every couple of days since he checks on Maddie often, and I’ve done my own checking on him in recent weeks given the tension between him and her new boyfriend and everything that happened, but this seems different.

I give him my back, closing the door behind us, and then take a final deep breath before moving towards the stairs. “Can we talk in my room, I am already running late,” I say pointlessly, considering him being here makes him just as late as I am.

Josh follows me without a word, slipping into the uncomfortable silence that has become our norm in recent years. Gone are the shared jokes, and teasing taunts, and left in its wake is a stalemate of twisted barbs I can’t recover from. I don’t think he means for it to be this way, but once he went to college he put this distance between us and now everything from before is lost in the void that is now our common ground.

I move straight to the chair at my dresser and sit down to slip on my heels, clutching the bodice of my dress to my chest to keep it in place as I slip the straps around my ankles. “So what can I do for you on this fine evening, Joshua?” I ask in an attempt to hide my nerves, standing in my heels and checking them out in the mirror while running my fingers through my hair in an attempt to make it look effortlessly styled.

I can feel Josh’s stare on me and it makes me nervous, just like it always has. I know it’s cliche, falling for your best friend’s brother, one who has no interest in me, but when he looks at me, it’s like everyone else in the world ceases to exist. If only it were the same for him.

“Okay, well,” he starts, trailing off, once again looking intense as our eyes collide in the mirror. He takes a step towards me when his stare drops down my back, no doubt taking in my unzipped dress, and without thinking his hands automatically dance up my spine to fasten me up. I’m sure he doesn’t notice the goosebumps his touch leaves behind, and I practically leap away from him as his fingers skirt against my skin, causing him to rapidly retreat his hands. “Sorry, I forgot,” he mumbles, moving back to my doorway, and before I can ask what he means, he adds, “Hallie, I need you to marry me.”

I freeze, momentarily caught in a time where the boy I’ve loved since I was nine has just asked me to marry him. No, that’s stupid, of course that’s not what he said, I’m just letting the fantasies I make up in my head before bed run away with me.

“Sorry what?” I ask with a laugh, knowing I misheard him somehow.

“I need you to marry me,” he repeats, more certainty in his voice this time, and somehow I definitely heard him right, though it doesn’t make me believe him any more.

We stare at one another without a word, just like we did that day on the ice, only this time he doesn’t break the silence. He’s looking at me expectantly, patiently even, waiting for a response to his question, but all I can do is stare back blankly, as I try to work out what this interaction could possibly mean. Maybe it’s some sort of new humor I am not picking on. I am known to be bad at that kind of thing, jokes don’t always land with me, but it’s been a long time since we shared any kind of joke with one another.

“Is this some sort of prank I don’t understand?” I ask nervously, hating the confusion that stains my tone. “Like when I was twelve and you went to kiss me but then you fell off that rock?” I quickly add, before the nerves building up inside of me explode and render me silent.

Josh smirks now, some of his usual bravado returning as he leans his huge body against the frame of my door. “First of all, I wasn’t trying to kiss you, you had something on your face,” he lies boldly, and now I have to smirk at him for still holding onto his version of events for so long. He’s such a big fat liar. “Second of all, you pushed me off that rock,” he recalls, pointing his finger at me in accusation.

“Eh, potato, potato,” I say with a shrug, knowing full well the panic and nerves that burned through me when he tried to kiss me that day. Yeah I pushed him, hard and fast, but I’m never gonna admit that to him. The same way he will never admit to me that he actually was trying to kiss me.

“Hallie,” Josh sighs, his exasperation returning, and this tone is one I am definitely more familiar with in recent times.

“Joshua,” I toss back sarcastically, and his face turns solemn.

“Hals, this isn’t a prank,” he confirms, leaving his spot by the door and closing the distance between us. “I really need you to marry me.” Seven words I have imagined in an entirely different context, yet somehow this one is a lot weirder than my smutty dreams.

“I don’t understand,” I admit in a whisper, knowing that out of everyone, Josh is the last person who would judge me. He knows me better than almost anyone.

I have always known I was different. It was never something that was shied away from in my household growing up, and when I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder at seven years old, it was something we celebrated. There was finally a reason I was different, a reason certain things were so hard for me, and a reason I looked at the world in a way others didn’t. It’s why I don’t feel scared to ask for more context with him, because he understands my need for it, and doesn’t hesitate to grant it.

“Do you think my father just accepted that Brad was out of the picture, and let Maddie be with Nova without consequence?” he starts, fury lacing every word as he steps away from me and takes a seat on the end of my bed. “You know him, you know his aspirations, if it wasn’t Bradley Thorne then it was just going to be someone else, maybe even someone worse. I couldn’t have that, so I stepped in.”

I let his words wash over me, nodding at each and every one of them until I focus on the last three. “You stepped in?” I repeat slowly, trying to make sense of exactly what he is saying. “What does that mean? What did you do?”

Panic sets in because I already know the answers to the questions I just asked. I know Hugo Peters far better than I wish I did, and I know about the marriage deal he tried to blackmail his daughter into these past few months. Which means I also know that it was foiled somehow, and what Josh means when he says he stepped in, but for some reason I need to hear him say it.

“I took Maddie’s place,” he confirms, my worst fear springing to life, and I swear his words feel like little shards plunging into my heart. “My father will leave Maddie alone as long as I marry someone of his choosing.”

Oh my god, this can’t be happening. Josh has to get married. Josh. My Josh. Married. The words tumble through my mind over and over again, clashing together like titans until I can barely focus on anything else. What kind of fucked up bullshit is this? I’m no stranger to coming from a prominent family, but my parents would never do something like this to me, no matter what they could gain in return. And what is the Mayor even gaining? What does he get out of using his children like they are pawns in his games?

It’s only then that another thought enters my mind. Josh just proposed. He stepped in and took Maddie’s place, his father is forcing him to take on the business marriage, and now he’s here proposing to me.

“And he chose me?” I say, completely bewildered, I didn’t even think his father liked me, outside of the fact that my last name is Sanders. I’ve always felt like he thought I was weird and insufferable. Josh opens his mouth to say something, but then quickly snaps it shut and just nods. “Oh god you’re serious aren’t you? You really need me to marry you.”

His face is solemn, nothing like the face I expected from the man proposing marriage to me as he sadly replies, “I wouldn’t joke, not about something like this, or literally anything else for that matter.” He’s right of course, like I said, gone is the boy who participated in something as simple as jokes, and left behind is the man his father molded in his neglect.

I can see his despair as clear as day, something I probably wouldn”t pick up on if he were someone else, and I know he doesn’t want this. Josh has never even had a girlfriend, not one he has made known anyway. Sure, he fucks around a lot, I’ve heard the rumors, but I have never once seen him so much as kiss a girl in front of me, let alone anything more. Now here he is, sitting in my room and proposing marriage, to me of all people.

Fate has a sick and twisted sense of humor doesn’t she, because how many times have I wished for something to happen between us? How many times have I fallen asleep making up scenarios in my head where we end up in bed together? How many times have I wished that my best friend’s brother looked at me the same way I look at him? There have been too many to ever possibly count. Yet now here he is, offering me what sounds like the world, only it’s completely the opposite. This isn’t love, it isn’t even commitment, it’s a doomed deal made to protect the only person he is capable of loving.

As if reading my mind, Josh stands and closes the distance between us, yet he doesn’t touch me this time. “Look, Hals, I know I am asking a lot, especially from you, but this is Maddie we are talking about. If I don’t do this then my father is going to punish her for it, and I don’t know any other way to save her, not yet at least. Please, just help me do this, help me save her,” he pleads, and just for a second, he’s back to being the lonely boy on the ice again, asking me if I’m playing, and just like that very first day, I can’t say no to him. Not to the little boy back then who became my first crush, and not to the grown man now who became my first love… and I guess, my first husband.

“We’re going to need some ground rules,” I start, knowing that if I am agreeing to this then I need to protect myself. “If we do this then we need to have a solid agreement in place.” I push away all the emotions fighting against one another inside of me and focus my mind on logic and reasoning. He needs my help, and I am going to help him, it’s as simple as that.

I move to my bedside table and pull out the green notepad and sparkly pen I keep in there. Of course they are both untouched, I hoard both items for their beauty only, but right now I have nothing else on hand, and this doesn’t feel like a scrap paper or phone notes kind of deal.

“You’re serious?” Josh asks, his eyes fixed on the things in my hands as I move back towards him.

“I am always serious about making lists, Joshua.” I don’t know why I need to remind him of that fact, he knows me well enough by now, he has been witness to plenty of my lists over the years, and the subject of many more, not that he has seen those ones.

I doubt he’d appreciate all the pros and cons lists about him that I have hidden in my phone notes.

I quickly start jotting on the top of the pad and when I move my hand, Josh snorts. “The never forever rules, really, Tink?” The old nickname rolls off his tongue so easily that I have to fight to keep the smile off my face. He really has no idea of the effect he has on me.

“Number one,” I say out loud, ignoring him completely. “No kissing.” My hand shakes as I write and I hope he doesn’t notice, I hope he thinks this rule is because it suits us both. I’m sure he has kissed hundreds of girls, and is as skillful at that as he is on the ice, but there is no universe where I could kiss Josh Peters and then walk away with my heart intact.

“Number two, no lying to one another.” I am gripping the pen so tightly now that my fingers are turning white. I also feel like a total hypocrite right now considering all I do is lie to him about my feelings towards him, but it’s okay because I’m pretty sure I lie to myself a lot more.

“And number three, absolutely no falling love.” I finish that last one with multiple exclamation marks and Josh flashes me with that rare smirk of his that has those butterflies roaring to life inside of me.

“Just had to add the exclamation marks to be sure I understood that one, huh?” he asks, cocking his brow at me and I shrug. “Don’t worry, Hals, you already know I’m not wired to find and appreciate something as simple as love,” he adds with a smile, not realizing his words have just shattered the heart that beats for him.

I’m not stupid, I was present for most of his childhood, for his father’s affairs and shortcomings. The only love he ever experienced was the love he has for his sister, and the love he got from his sister, so of course he doesn’t believe he is capable or even worthy of feeling the joy that love can bring. The pain in my heart intensifies as I think about the love my parents showered me in, so much so that it was both glorious and suffocating, and I can”t help but wonder how Josh would have turned out if he had been offered the same. Would he be different if he had bloomed in the sun instead of wilting in the shade?

“Okay now what?” he interrupts my thoughts, and I have to take a deep breath to keep my emotions in check before I answer.

“Sign here.” I shove the pad towards him, and he holds my stare for a couple of seconds before rolling his eyes and taking the pen from my hand with another side grin.

He signs his name in a neat little scrawl and then hands it back for me to do the same. Then silently I return the pen and pad back to my top drawer for safekeeping, and then steal my spine as I return to him.

“Okay, now ask me to marry you,” I demand, and he blinks back in confusion with a dash of exasperation, and it reminds me so much of the boy who used to be my best friend. The same boy who I forced to propose to me with a ring pop on vacation when I was eleven. That was the first time I agreed to marry him, and he promised he would one day swap the ring for a real one, until I ate it, that is.

“I just did ask you to marry me like three times,” he states with a frown and I have to smirk. This boy. So strong-willed and defiant, yet I still know every access point to get under his skin and annoy him.

“No, you need to ask me properly,” I state, repeating the same line I did when I was eleven, once again straightening my shoulders in preparation for the big question.

“Hallie, will you marry me?” he asks with an air of annoyance, and I roll my eyes, letting my shoulders drop.

“No,” I reply.

“No?” he repeats in question.

“Yes, no, that’s not how you ask properly,” I tell him, and he tips his head back and looks up at the ceiling, no doubt recalling how serious I am when it comes to my hand in marriage.

“I really forgot how annoying you are,” he grumbles, and I try to ignore the veins that spill down his neck into the collar of his shirt. Why does he have to be so hot?

It’s with that in mind that the next command slips right off my tongue without pause. “On your knees, twenty-two,” I say, and his head snaps back down towards me.

“What?” he asks, stumbling over the word and looking at me like I have grown an extra head.

“You heard me, Joshua. You want to marry me then get on your knees and ask me properly.” This might not be real, in fact it’s as far from true love as I could possibly get, but hell if I am not getting a proper proposal, even if it’s a fake one. I wanted it when I was eleven and I still want it now.

“Really?” he asks, looking at me like I have gone crazy. “You’re insane, you know that right?” I want to tell him he is the one who makes me insane, that I have been crazy since the second I stormed into the middle of his own personal self-made hockey game, but as always the words die in the pit between us.

“Yeah, I know I’m crazy,” I admit freely, not adding that I am crazy in love. “I also know I’d get on my knees if you asked me.”

“What?” he asks again, in shock this time, and it’s only then I replay the words I just said back in my head, and my confidence stumbles as his shock turns to a smirk. “So all I have to do is ask, huh?” he says, and the bastard knows exactly how to make me squirm.

“No, wait I mean, that came out wrong,” I trip over the words as I rush to get them out, but thankfully Josh sighs as he takes pity on me.

Then he drops to one knee in front of me, and every single one of my fantasies blur together at once. Josh Peters was a beautiful boy that grew up to be a breathtaking man, but right now, on his knee before me in his perfectly pressed tuxedo, he looks like a god sent to ruin me.

“Hallie Rose Tinkerbell Sanders,” he starts, and my breath catches in my throat as he smirks at his own joke. “I don’t have a ring pop on hand, but will you please do me the honor of becoming my fake wife so I can save my sister and your best friend from a terrible and lonely future?” he asks, and when I raise an amused brow, he finally adds, “Will you marry me, Hallie Bear?”

The words hang in the air between us, just like they did when we were kids, except now there is no childhood innocence lingering there. Something shifts at his words, and I want to make a joke, to refuse him, to tell him I can’t marry him. To keep us in the black and white we have grown comfortable in and not push us back into those shades of gray that I could never understand, but I can’t, because it’s him. The boy I fell in love with when I was a child, now a man I would do anything for, especially when it comes at the price of helping the one person we both love most in the world.

It might hurt me, change me, break me irrevocably, but if there’s one thing I could never do, it’s say no to Josh Peters.

“Yes,” I say, barely above a whisper, as I force back the tears threatening to break free at what I am about to do. “Yes, Joshua, I will marry you.”

And just like that I am once again free falling into his abyss.