38. Ember

38

EMBER

T he excitement of the night tapered off after the initial introductions, and I’m thankful that it’s been quiet and uneventful since then. My father has walked around like he owns the town, which he pretty much does, and my mother acts as if they are happy, loving and doting on him at his every whim. Smiling like the matriarch she is.

I was mortified by the way my dad spoke to me. I mean, it’s nothing out of the norm, but in front of Hudson, who has never seen me at my weakest—for him to witness that was humiliating. As withdrawn as I’ve been with my relationship with my family, he knew to expect some pushback, but full-blown berating… I realize now how unfair it was for me to ask him to come here.

Although we were able to get some quality time with Benson and Cody, who also took time to get to know Hudson a little, which I’m grateful for. Bobby, of course, stayed at a distance—attached at the hip as usual with Elliot—stealing glances our way, in which Hudson would become a walking PDA poster. Eventually, it just became fun to tease from afar. Admittedly, I’ve always liked watching, but being on display for your ex, while your new, sexy, fake husband teases you, well, I’m not against exploring some exhibitionism, apparently.

“I have to use the restroom.” Placing my hand on Hudson’s arm as I stand, he mirrors my movement to follow me.

“No, it’s okay. Stay here and get to know Benson and Cody better. I’ll be super quick.”

“I don’t want you walking around by yourself,” he insists.

“It’s my parents’ house. Seriously, everyone is engrossed in the party. It’s fine.” I stand on my tippy toes to kiss him on the cheek, except he turns toward me, catching his lips to mine. Running one hand behind the nape of my neck and the other holding me upright at my waist, giving zero shits that he’s devouring me in front of my brothers.

“I couldn’t help myself,” he whispers over my lips as I float back down to earth.

“Dude…” Cody whines out as he gives Hudson a smack on the arm as I walk away. I can’t hide my smile. The fact that they are getting along makes my heart soar. My parents may not appreciate or support my decisions, but Benson has always been my biggest cheerleader. And Cody plays Switzerland more often than not, but when he knows something isn’t fair, he does have my back.

I enter the house through the patio doors and walk down the hall of my childhood home. It’s as empty as I remember it feeling when I was little.

Things usually feel bigger and scarier when you are a child. The ocean feels enormous and overwhelming, horror movies are more terrifying. Bugs were bigger, and the unknown was just frightening.

But this home, somehow it feels bigger and more grandiose than ever. It’s like it’s had to expand with the ego of my parents. They have always been a staple in our small town, but over time, it’s grown into something where they feel more powerful and superior to others. It feels as if, the more self-important they feel to the general population, the less love they have to share with their family.

And as I stare at the pictures on the wall, they feel just as vacant. Taken as a boilerplate, and placed strategically on the wall out of duty and obligation to make a home a home.

I know they love us, especially my brothers. God, we know they love them. A majority of the pictures, except a select few, are all of my older brothers. There is a small age gap between me and my brothers, since my parents had me late and I was unexpected. Still, the lack of my presence in the pictures only accentuates how exiled I have felt my entire life.

It’s a far cry from how Hudson has made me feel from the moment he came into mine.

I exit the bathroom and hear the distant noises from the crowd and muffled music throughout the house. The DJ is getting a little rowdier as the night goes on. The music is louder and the songs are a bit more risqué than earlier, which I assume is from the excess amount of alcohol being dispersed like dinner mints.

Before I round the corner back outside, elevated voices catch my attention, preventing me from taking another step.

“You need to get control of this situation.”

“I will, Robert. I promise. Please don’t be upset.”

“Upset? Upset? I’m not upset, I’m fucking embarrassed, Esther. She’s humiliating this family and making us look like low class pathetic losers. I’m announcing my campaign soon. If she continues this shit, it’ll ruin my chances.”

“I will fix this. I’ll… fix it. I will.”

“The only reason I didn’t leave you when she was born was to protect my fucking image. I wasn’t going to be humiliated by your indiscretion then, and I won’t be now, Esther. Get your daughter under control or I will throw you out with nothing, like I should have twenty-four years ago.”

Oh my god. The words are barely registering. There is a heaviness in the middle of my chest, the air is weighing on me like immovable bricks. I can’t catch my breath.

What indiscretion?

They are embarrassed of me.

I am a disgrace to him, to both of them.

My father isn’t really my father.

I don’t hear the footsteps approaching over repeating words in my head, so I freeze at the sight of my parents turning the corner, staring down at me, as I catch my panicked breath.

My mother looks at my father with wide-eyes and a fear within them that I’ve never seen before.

“What did you hear?” my father asks through gritted teeth.

My voice box is broken. The words don’t come out when I try to speak. I have been swimming upstream for years, fighting to be heard, to feel important to this family. And today, I am truly speechless. All the years of feeling insignificant, having my dreams and desires overshadowed by their own, muting me. They’ve finally succeeded.

My father grabs my shoulders and pushes me up against the wall. The impact knocks what little oxygen that is left out of my body.

“You will say nothing of this, Ember. Nothing!”

I stare into his eyes blankly. The only thing that shines clearly through the fogginess is the deranged madness behind them. He cares about nothing except his image. I don’t need to see my mother’s eyes to know they would mirror his own. Except hers would be terrified. Terrified to lose everything she’s worked so hard to portray. The luxury, the life, the opulence of wealth and status.

“Ember!” He shakes me and slams me back against the wall, attempting to snap me out of my mental comatose. “I will not have your whore mother and her bastard child make me look bad in my own goddamn town. Do you understand that?”

I remain silent. My body is unable to respond, lacking any understanding of all that has unfolded. My gaze returns to the floor, as it usually does in the presence of my father.

With one of his hands still pressing me against the wall, he begins to raise the other. I look up just in time for the back of his hand to connect with the side of my face, and the sensation is splintering. A thousand needles explode on my face, and the pressure behind my eyes forces them shut. A metallic taste explodes in my mouth, and I’m instantly stupefied.

Suddenly, the force that was holding me up is gone, and I collapse to the floor. My father is tackled to the ground. Hudson’s size favors him as he hovers over my father, holding him down, swinging his arm, as his fist collides with my father’s face over and over, like a video on a constant loop.

Benson comes to my side, inspecting me. His face is blurred as I can barely see him from behind my soggy eyes. A fog outlines the surroundings behind him, and nothing is clear.

“Ember! Ember, are you okay?” Benson cups my cheeks, turning my face to the side as he cringes at the sight.

“Fuck,” he whispers to himself.

“Hudson!” Cody’s voice screams through the invisible fog in the air. He’s saying more, but sounds like a muffled white noise, or maybe that’s just the ringing in my ears.

Cody bearhugs Hudson, trapping his flailing arms, and yanks him off of my father, who’s curled up with his arms over his face, also screaming inaudible words. My father’s legs kick at Hudson while Cody pulls him away, but Cody turns his body between them and gets struck with the bottom of my father’s pristine Oxfords, right in the middle of his back. He grunts and falls forward, releasing Hudson as they both tumble to the ground.

I blink slowly. My eyelids are filled with lead and the sounds are deafening. Everything is so loud, but somehow dulled .

Cody’s arm wraps behind his back as his face winces in pain.

Hudson crawls to me, cradling me in his arms. My body melts into his like a perfectly fitting comfort blanket.

With my face nuzzled into Hudson’s chest, I hear Bobby before I see him. He’s helping my father, attempting to pull him away, but my father is having none of that and he is challenging everyone now.

His voice is laced with so much hate and anger. He’s usually uninterested, arrogant, and condescending, but always controlled. This is now the voice of a frantic, terrified man that is being exposed, and the lack of control is killing him.

“Get your hands off me,” he shouts. I turn my neck enough to see him circling his arm to snuff off Bobby’s grasp, then press his hands to Bobby’s chest, pushing him away but still egging him on with words.

“You want to fight me, boy?”

“Dad, stop!” Bobby’s hands are up in surrender.

“You fucking pussy.” Disgust drips from his words like a loose faucet as he lunges at Bobby.

“Bobby!” Elliot’s voice cracks as he rounds the corner, then comes to an instant stop. His eyes bounce around the room, landing on mine. A look of sorrow passes over his face before he turns to look at my father and Bobby.

“And you—” My father points at Elliot. “Stay the fuck away from my son. You’re never welcome here again.”

What? What the hell did he just say? A pinched look crosses my face as I look between them.

Bobby and Elliot share a silent look between each other that screams louder than any words could.

“I love him, Dad,” Bobby shares quietly, but loud enough for everyone to hear.

“And I love him, Mr. Riley,” Elliot responds urgently, supporting Bobby in his admission .

“No, you don’t. My son is not gay!” he clamors, saliva misting over the air between them.

How long has that been a secret? I wonder how many others know about them? And how many others know about me . As usual, I feel alienated and completely in the dark.

“That’s why you’ve been bribing me—forcing me on Ember all these years, right? To marry your daughter and forget about your son because Missouri can’t have a governor with a “ gay” son . ” Elliot looks down at me, his shoulders slouch as he passes me a pained look. “I won’t hide it anymore. I’m sorry, Em.”

He faked everything with me.

The truth should shock me and rip me to my core. My father used me to protect his image even further. He thinks if Elliot married me, it would force Elliot and Bobby away from each other. No, instead, they would have had a lifelong affair, hiding themselves from the world and deceiving me, all for the benefit of my father. If I loved Elliot, that would destroy me. But, at this point, it doesn’t matter. They’ve all already done that.

Hudson’s hold squeezes tighter, like he needs to hold me to keep me grounded, to keep me present and lucid.

Bobby’s gaze dips in shame, and I realize for the first time that’s not just my reaction to my father, it’s all of ours. I’ve always seen him as the strongest of us all, the favorite to my father, but it’s a mask. My father has built us to be ashamed of ourselves, and Bobby is no different.

“You are fucking done.” He pushes Elliot out of his way. “And you,” he turns to face my mother, “you fucking whore. When I’m done with you. You’ll be nothing, you’ll have nothing again.” Her arms are wrapped around the front of her frail body, completely frazzled with tear-stained cheeks and labored breaths.

“Robert, you promised,” she begs.

“Years of putting up with her presence, and the entire time, she’s been a toxin bleeding through this family. It disgusts me.” He rubs the back of his hand over his bloody nose, then spits on the ground near my feet.

Closing my eyes, I turn into Hudson. I can’t face them. I can’t face any of them.

I am an “ it ”, the illegitimate child out of an affair my mother had. No wonder he hates me so much and my mother resents me.

I’ve always felt alone. That’s not a new emotion in my world, but never have I felt so distant and estranged because I’ve never truly belonged anywhere. The small amount of worth I held on to has dissipated to non-existent dust.

My throat is dry as sandpaper, and although my words are a breath of a whisper, they blare through to Hudson like a siren.

“Red… big red.”