34. Ember

34

EMBER

I woke up this morning, my phone treating me like I am a scandalous celebrity with news no one but paparazzi cares about.

Mom: You got married?! Your father is furious. WE are furious!

Mom: Stop ignoring my calls.

Cody: Mom and Dad are pissed. I can’t believe you got married, Em. What the hell?

Mom: Ember, I am so disappointed in you. What were you thinking?

Dana: Cat’s out of the bag. I don’t know who said what, but the whole town knows you got drunk married in Vegas. Including your parents…

Mom: Ember, you need to call me so we can figure this out. You can still get this annulled.

Mom: It’s time to come home now.

Dana: Suzy slipped and they know you got a job, too. That went over well. Don’t be mad at her. She was trying to defend you and it just came out.

Mom: Elliot has been waiting. How could you do that to him?

Cody: Have you been brainwashed? This is so not you. What’s going on?

Mom: You call me immediately!

Dana: Okay, for real. Elliot’s been acting weird. And your parents are on another level.

Mom: The whole town’s talking about this, Ember. How could you embarrass us with reckless behavior? This is over now. Call me.

I reread through the plethora of text messages from my mom, brother, and Dana, and as much as I’ve dreaded this moment, I’m relieved it’s out in the open. Timing is bittersweet with the trip back home this weekend. It’ll be like choosing to fly into Hell, but at least they know I won’t be staying.

I can only assume Elliot was the one who finally told them. I didn’t race after him when he was here, and now that he knows where I stand, I just need to make my parents understand how I feel and what I’m doing. I’m permanently moving to Seattle. I’m with Hudson, albeit temporary for us, but they don’t need to know that.

Another text message pops through and I dread looking at it, but like a car crash, I can’t turn away. A smile instantly tugs on my lips when I see it’s Hudson.

Hudson: Are we still going to check out the building before our flight?

Me: Yup! So excited to show you everything!

Hudson: Can’t wait ;) Pick you up at 2?

Me: Perfect.

“So, Hudson has been helping you with your sexual research, huh?” Cruz shocks me with his question as he walks into my office with our morning coffee.

Why have espresso when you can just have a shot of Cruz?

“What makes you say that?” I ask, trying to hide my blush.

“It’s obvious you are totally getting laid, like a lot,” he replies. “You try to hide it, but I’m sort of a professional at smelling sex from a mile away.”

I scrunch up my nose.

“Figuratively, of course, silly girl.” Batting a hand at me.

Sexual research. Well, you can say that. You can say it’s been a lot of that. The only nights in the past month that we haven’t researched were the days he was gone for his away games. And even then, the dirty and flirty text messages leave us both in a major state of need the moment he comes home.

I’ve never enjoyed sex as much as I have with him, and it’s sort of an addiction at this point. I might need an intervention and to check myself in somewhere.

Of course, it’s for research, I tell myself. The logical side of my brain says it’s needing as much information on these products to make an informed decision.

My body, my traitorous body, needs something else.

I keep telling her she’s delusional, but like a damn addict, she can’t keep her hands off Hudson .

The first day I brought home that box was the day something shifted between us.

I have never been given the sort of freedom that he has given to me. No one has made me feel as comfortable as he has, giving me a confidence I’ve never felt before, to be who I feel like I am naturally. He adds something powerful to my life, and a part of me is terrified of what happens if it’s gone.

That reliance scares me, and I’ve felt like ending this thing between us more often than I’d like to admit. But somehow, he still keeps me grounded. Everyone does, actually.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have my own friends that aren’t somehow controlled by my family. As much as Suzy and Dana are friends, their parents are best friends with my parents, so a friendship was just expected of us.

The entire Smashers team hangs out daily; if not at the field for games or practices, at the condo for family game nights. And as domestic as it all is, it doesn’t feel like how Weston felt to me—all-consuming and restrictive. It feels like how happiness should feel.

There are moments I get a bit lost in it all, so I just have to keep reminding myself we are just helping each other out. We’re over halfway through the season now, and next year, I won’t be living in the condo. I’ll have to find a place of my own.

“Fine, you got me. I’m experimenting with my fake husband,” I admit.

“Oh, you dirty whore. Tell me more,” he quips back instantly.

In the past month, we’ve used pretty much every sample product that the vendor gave me, and it’s probably shameful to admit that I liked, well, everything.

So, I’m probably a nymphomaniac now.

Of course, I love when I control Hudson’s orgasms, and the shyness that was there before is now replaced with confidence and courage. It’s easy because he makes it easy .

That’s by far my favorite.

We also experimented with some more BDSM style toys. I didn’t love that as much. I loved the control, yes. I didn’t like the pain aspect that came with it. Hudson was completely relieved by that realization. I did enjoy tying him up, though.

So, what have I realized in the last month?

I like control, but not pain—giving or receiving. I love teasing. I love his orgasms more than my own, but when he reigns over me, possessively, after I’ve edged him for as long as I think he can handle, that’s another favorite.

He’s wild and uncontrollable. A savage side takes over that I also crave.

So, in true libra fashion, I’m indecisive as hell. I love being in control of him, yet also love being controlled.

Strange, I know.

We’re both finding out things about ourselves and each other that we didn’t expect. It’s liberating.

“I’m not giving the details of my sex life, Cruz.”

“Your fake sex life.” I can’t help but roll my eyes at his reply. “Just give me the fake details.”

“Your wit is over the top this morning. Did you have a quad shot in your coffee?” I ask, evading his questioning.

“Nope, this is just me. Stop avoiding it.” He smiles.

Ugh, he’s annoyingly adorable. Both in his persistence and his looks. His dark hair is thick and always styled perfectly. The black-rimmed glasses that he always wears give him a Clark Kent look, especially with that perfectly shaved, sharp jawline. The Latin side of him is starting to show now that it’s summer and we get a tad bit of sun during these months. A rarity for us in the Pacific Northwest.

“Did you get a tan?” I ask.

“Oh, wow, okay, professional dodgeball player today, I see. I’ll be at my desk with all your reports and details for the completion of the construction—that I’m handling while you’re gone this weekend at your parents’ party. Which I wasn’t invited to, by the way. So, when you want to go over those, I’ll hand them over… after I get a spicy story.”

“Cruz,” I yell at him as he saunters out of my office. “That’s blackmail.”

“No, no, it’s more like extortion. But, like, barely. Let me know when you’re ready.”

I need those reports, like, this morning.

“Hudson literally made me pass out from an orgasm,” I spit out and instantly want to retrieve it.

He flips around, a full one-eighty degree U-turn, on the ball of his foot, so eloquently he should have been a ballerina.

“That freaking devil. The quiet ones are always so dirty. How? Details?”

“Oh, god.” I press my palms into my face.

I’ve learned to be comfortable with Hudson, but talking about everything with someone else is entirely new. I need to get used to it, being that I’ll have to do that when the club opens.

“So, he had me wear this remote control vibrator,” I whisper as he slides back into the chair in front of my desk. “Like, all day, around the house, and even when we went out to lunch.” I lean in closer, whispering lower. “He almost made me come when we were at the restaurant.”

His jaw slacks. “You dirty girl, that’s so hot.”

“So, needless to say, by the time we got back home, neither of us could wait any longer. He fucked me for so long and drew out my orgasm to the point that, when I finally came, I just blacked out.” I bite the corner of my lip. A little embarrassed that I’m admitting all this to Cruz, but feeling a little sexual freedom at the same time.

“You need to make your fake husband become your real husband. You know he wants it.”

Panic sears through me instantly with his words. My mother flashes in my mind; the years of service to my father. Like he’s her own personal religion. God, I don’t want that. I don’t want everything to revolve around the man in my life and marriage. Yet, lately, it’s just been Hudson and me living in our own world.

Suddenly, it’s like everything nearby is closing in on me. Even the air feels claustrophobic.

Breathe .

“You okay? You’re sheet white,” Cruz asks as he tilts his head, looking at me.

I inhale, close my eyes, and physically envision a wide open space, then exhale and release the heaviness in my chest.

It takes only a few seconds to reel myself in before I get my bearings again.

“Oh, yeah, good. I just don’t have any desire to be married long term. We’re only helping each other out. It’s a simple arrangement,” I tell him, avoiding his gaze, because I know he’ll see right through me. “So, do you have those reports?”

“Sure,” he replies cautiously, “I’ll bring them in,” he stands slowly then pauses for a moment as I side eye him, still avoiding his gaze, before he turns to exit.

“Em…” I stop mindlessly shifting benign accessories on my desk and peer up to where he is standing. I stare at his shoes and expertly steer clear of his gaze.

“It’s okay to let go of people that don’t bring you peace and allow in those who do. Family is what we create for ourselves sometimes. It might not always be what we envision for ourselves, but if it protects our peace, well, it’s worth… everything.”

His statement forces me to look at him, and the sincerity in his face is blinding. He’s not just giving me advice based on some old Chinese proverb out of a daily desk calendar or a self-help book he has read. This is raw emotion, love and loss, based on life experiences, for him. I open my mouth to reply, but stop at the interruption of knocking.

Tap. Tap.

I tilt my head to look behind Cruz. Christian and Elena step through the doorway, and my spine instantly perks up. I stand as they enter my office, because what the hell do I do? They never come to my office.

“Good morning.” Confusion laces my greeting.

Christian smiles, that gorgeous smile he gives when he’s trying to make you feel comfortable. Elena’s smile is directed straight at me, with some kind of look I can’t quite read.

Her eyes flicker toward the doorway behind her, and another man I’ve never met comes through.

I put my best smile on and round my desk. My spine still ramrod straight and chin held high, exuding the confidence I’ve gained with every meeting, appointment, and conversation I’ve had since I started here. As the unknown man walks through the door, my jaw slacks slightly in recognition of who this man is.

His short black hair and dark skin contrast his bright golden eyes. There is a kindness to them, like he’s always smiling, without actually smiling.

“Morning, Ember. We’re just showing Corbin Maren around while he’s here. He is the?—”

“Director for Ford Enterprises, East Coast operations,” I excitedly interrupt Elena as I hold my hand out toward him. “Yes, I know. It’s great to meet you.”

His eyes light up in surprise at the fact that I know who he is. I know who everyone is. I studied everything about Ford Enterprises when I applied here.

A blinding smile crosses his face when he slips his hand into mine and gives me a kind handshake.

Christian turns to me. “I’m glad you weren’t in a meeting this morning?— ”

“She was, but I guess I’m leaving since I’m invisible here until one of you needs work done.”

Christian grants Cruz a ‘you know what I meant’ look, with a slight smirk and head shake before Corbin interjects.

“Ah, you must be Cruz.” Corbin holds his hand out to him. Another kind smile, but this one with a bit more humor behind it, because, well, Cruz does that to you.

Cruz stalls for a brief moment, sliding his hand into Corbin’s. He’s looking down at their hands, Corbin’s completely engulfing Cruz’s, before glancing back up to his face. Cruz’s usual smile fading into a tight-lipped grin before clearing his throat. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Cruz shy before. “Great to meet you, sir.” His voice a notch over a whisper. Then he peers over to me. “I’ll be at my desk.”

He looks between the three of us, avoiding Corbin, before leaving.

Corbin’s gaze consumes Cruz as he leaves the office before blinking a few times, then finally turns back to me. “Mrs. Byrnes, I’ve heard you are leading the XConnect club project?”

“I am,” I say proudly. “It’s going well, and we should be ready for opening night in about six weeks. We’re going to announce the opening date here in the next,” I bounce my head back and forth and purse my lips, as I peer over at Elena, “week or so?” It’s a question because Elena has been guiding me through that process to make sure I nail down a proper opening night based on the timeline for everything we need to finish.

“Yes, we’re aiming for the last weekend of next month, and we’re planning a soft opening and masquerade ball,” she replies with effortless confidence.

“I’d love to check it out. Will you send me an invite?” Corbin asks.

“Of course, definitely,” I reply, unable to read his expression on whether or not he wants to inspect or support opening night.

Corbin continues to lead the conversation, asking so many different questions about the idea of the club, how the memberships will work, and questions about the city’s approval. His questions are never ending and have me feeling on edge.

The confident woman that I’ve grown into is telling herself he’s asking questions because he’s curious. The girl from Weston, Missouri is trying to make an appearance to remind me I’m nothing special and not capable.

We continue chatting about the project and a few details before he thanks me for my time and they leave.

The tightness in my shoulders releases, and I slouch slightly forward. All the tension in my body visibly diminishes the moment my door closes. I can lead my peers and teams easily, but the moment my bosses walk in the door, I swear I’m a gibbering mess. Like they are going to see through my scam and finally realize they hired someone completely unqualified to complete this project or work for this company. Someone not worthy of learning from someone as amazing as Elena or grow into something similar to her, while finding my own version of myself. To do something special with my life and create something that I can be proud of. Instead, they probably all see a little girl, with more ambition than wit, who will fail at anything she attempts.

Or maybe that’s just my parents’ voices floating around in my head, reminding me I’m good for nothing. Reminding me to stop trying to be something I’m not.

And now, I feel like I’m not only faking my marriage, but lying to myself about everything.