Chapter 26

IT WAS BETTER this way, Laurel insisted to himself the following morning, though he wasn't sure why he bothered with the thought. Whether he changed his mind or not, the damage was done. The way Ash had looked at him when he'd compared him to Malory… There was no way the healer would take him back now, even if he begged for it. But that was what he wanted… Wasn't it?

No, there was no point in lying to himself. It wasn't what he wanted, but it was the best solution for everyone. Even without the fact that he couldn't live with putting Ash in danger of being hurt by Malory, something else had occurred to him as he'd lain awake all night. No matter how much work Ash put into him, he would never be normal. He could never be a good husband, let alone a father, and leading Ash on with the idea that one day he might be cured enough to be so was just cruel.

His chest was already aching, like someone had reached in through his ribcage and snatched a bloody fistful out of him. Was it guilt from what he'd said to Ash, or was it because of the magic bond that had forcibly overtaken them? Would he feel this way forever because he'd rejected the one he was linked to? Or was he feeling Ash's pain too?

When the door to his bedroom door opened, Ingrid gasped at the sight of him. "Oh! Laurel! I didn't realize you were home."

"I came home last night."

Looking slightly guilty for entering without knocking, she went on. "I was just organizing some stuff in my closet and I know you have extra coat hangers, so…"

Though he didn't lift his eyes from his bedspread, he jerked his chin toward the direction of his closet. "Be my guest. Take whatever you'd like."

"Are you alright?" She asked, taking a seat next to him. "Where's Ash?"

Even hearing the name made him want to flinch. "He's probably on his way home."

"Oh, I thought he just went last weekend. You miss him that much already?" She asked, lightly teasing. "He'll be back in a few days."

"He's not coming back." When she only stared at him in confusion, he went on. "I broke up with him."

"Why?" She asked, shocked. "What happened? Did he do something to you?"

Wondering how he could possibly explain Malory's threats, of which he had no proof but only his own instincts, and his nuanced feelings, to her of all people, Laurel pressed his palms into his eyes before letting his body fall onto his side on the bed.

While it was true he'd ultimately decided to end things because he knew for a fact that Malory wouldn't have any qualms about hurting Ash, there were other reasons he could use to justify the break up, too. If he hadn't been such a coward in the beginning, if he'd only reported Malory back then, then he wouldn't be so at his mercy now. And Ash wouldn't be in danger.

"He didn't do anything to me, but I don't really want to talk about it. It's just best if we aren't together." He curled up into himself, in the fetal position, as if it would help quell the ache in his heart.

"Laurel, how could that possibly be true? You're happier with him than I've ever seen you."

"That doesn't matter," he insisted, hating that it was true. "It doesn't matter how happy I am, or how much work he puts into it. There's something wrong with me, and it's not ever going to change. It's not fair to keep him imprisoned to my issues when he could be with someone normal."

"Someone normal?" Her voice sounded strange, but wrapped up in his own self-pity, Laurel hardly noticed.

"I only mean he's ultimately better on his own, or with someone else," he said, although the thought of someone else in Ash's arms practically had him gritting his teeth in anger. "No matter how hard I try to let my past go, it just keeps following me, and I know he's going to end up getting hurt because of it. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than me."

He felt her pull away from him and rise from the bed, but didn't fully register the action. "Can you close the door behind you after you get those coat hangers?" He requested, rolling over to face the wall. "I think I'll sleep a bit more before I leave for my appointment later." Sleep would be his only escape from his thoughts.

"Laurel…" Her voice was raw and hollow. Though his mind had been miles away, the sound of it shocked him. He rolled over to face her, concerned by it.

"Ingrid, what…" He trailed off, unnerved by the expression on her face, and the fat tears rolling down her cheeks, dripping off her chin. The damp trails seemed to glow in the sunlight from his window.

"How could you do that?" She asked, shaking her head in disbelief at him. "How could you do that to Ash? After all he's done for you?"

Each word struck at him like a viper, sinking poisonous little teeth into his already abraded flesh. "Excuse me?"

"You don't think he knows that stuff about you?" Her voice had risen now, in pitch and volume. "He knows you have a bad past! He's the one who helped you! He dropped everything to help you, and it worked! You can use your magic again, and it's because of him! And you just drop him on a whim like that? Because of some stupid self-sacrificing bullshit you're making up in your head? You're an idiot, Laurel."

She'd never spoken to him that way. If she'd been anyone else, he might have reared back and slapped her. But because she was his younger sister, he could only snarl. "I'm not making anything up. You don't know shit about how I feel, so mind your own fucking business. I don't owe him anything just because he helped me."

"You owe yourself," she snapped back. "You owe it to yourself to be happy, not to be some depressed loser who sleeps all day dreaming up excuses to stay away from a guy who would do anythingto be with you. You know he loves you. Despite all the moronic hoops you've made him jump through!"

"If you think he's so great, then why don't you go see if he'll get with you instead?"

"You're acting pathetic," she retorted, incensed. "Why did you even bother leaving Malory if you aren't ever going to let yourself be happy, anyway? If you're still letting the past with him control your future, then it's like you aren't even free of him at all."

"You're going too far," he warned her, between his teeth. "Don't bring him up to me."

"Look me in the face and tell me that whatever spooked you hard enough to make you break up with Ash had absolutely nothing to do with Malory," she ordered him. Rarely was she ever so direct, so her pale gaze seemed to slice through him.

"I…" Snarling, he held out an arm to push her aside so he could rise from the bed and leave. In response, she shoved him back onto the bed, glaring daggers at him.

"Tell me!"

"Yes!" Frustrated beyond belief, the word seemed to burst from his chest. "Yes, I'm fucked up because of Malory. You already know that."

"Ash knows, too. Whatever it is you're so desperate to hide from him, or shield him from, or whatever stupid justification you have for this idiotic decision, he already knows! That's why you're so dumb for letting him go! He already knows all the stuff that's wrong with you and he loves you anyway! He'd do anything for you, Laurel. Do you know how many people would kill for a relationship like that? Do you know what some people would do for a man like Ash to love them like he loves you?"

"You don't think I know that?" Laurel growled, but her words were beginning to slash and tear at him. The pain inside him balled up into a tight knot of tension, bursting in his throat and behind his eyes. "I know he's fucking amazing, okay? I know that, but…" Shuddering, he could feel the tears he hadn't let out begin to escape the corners of his eyes.

"But what?" Taking a step forward, she wrapped her arms around him, pressing his head onto her shoulder. Stroking a gentle hand down his soft locks, she nuzzled her cheek against the crown of his hair. "Just let it out."

"H-he's everything I've ever wanted," Laurel admitted, voice watery. "He's so fucking perfect, everything he does drives me crazy and gives me fucking butterflies and I want to be with him all the time, but…" Trailing off again, he dissolved into sobs against her shoulder.

"You have to say it so I can tell you how stupid it is," she told him softly, squeezing him tightly.

"I don't deserve him."

"See, I knew it would be stupid. That guy that's sofucking perfect? He thinks you deserve him." Shaking her head, she let out a small, sad little chuckle. "Only you would get so freaked out over falling in love that you'd dump someone out of nowhere."

"I can't go back to him, Ingrid." Wrapping his arms around her now too, he let himself rest a little less tensely against her. It seemed that letting out the tears and words had helped clear up some space inside him. The ache of Ash's absence was still there, but letting out his feelings regarding their separation had smoothed a bit of balm on it. It reminded him of how he'd felt the night of her concert. "Even if he takes me back, which I don't think he will, I'm just going to end up doing this again. It doesn't matter what I do, it just takes me over."

"I wish I knew how to help."

"Believe me, you have helped. You've been helping me since you were born."

"That's silly," she said, drawing back a bit from him so he could wipe his arm over his eyes. "The only thing I think could help you now is if Malory just disappeared or something."

Taking a deep breath, Laurel raised his eyes to the ceiling. "I don't even know if that would help, honestly. I should have just filed a report with the police back then, and then maybe I wouldn't be so…" He trailed off, eyes narrowing a bit as a realization hit him. Something so obvious he wondered why he'd never thought of it before. Was it because the idea had merely been unthinkable before he and Ash had worked through so much of his trauma?

"What is it?" Ingrid asked, eyes widening when he suddenly stood.

"I… I thought of something that might help, maybe. But it's so simple, I don't know…" Shaking his head a little, he sniffled. "I'm going to talk to my therapist about it, and see how she feels. But you helped me more than you know. Really."

"If you don't get back with Ash, I'm going to kick your butt. You know that, right?"

"Don't get ahead of yourself," he warned her. "I was really awful to him. He probably hates my guts."

"Then I'm going to kick his butt, too," she promised. "You both need your heads knocked together. He should never have let you leave in the first place."

The mental image of his small-framed sister laying a beating down on the athletically built auburn-haired man made him grin, if only for a moment.

"Let's just hope it doesn't come to that."

FEELING MORE THANa bit like a stalker, squatting down behind a large shrub that lined one of the properties near the Isildor house, Ash watched as Laurel flagged down a carriage, disappearing inside. He was going to his therapy appointment, the healer remembered. So he'd be gone for at least an hour, most likely more. That was plenty of time.

He waited another minute or two after the carriage had gone down the road, the sound of clacking hooves disappearing, before rising and crossing the street to Laurel's pretty home, a duffel bag resting on his hip. It was melodramatic he knew, but the way the flowers in Minael's garden were blooming, so full of life and color and beauty when he was so dead inside, felt like an insult.

As he lifted his hand to knock, he realized he'd done so only once before, when he'd come to dinner to get to know Laurel's family. After that, he'd come here with Laurel every time so they'd just waltzed in. He remembered how nervous he'd been then, though he thought he'd done a good job of not showing his nerves to Helio and Minael. He should have been nervous now too, but he was too tired to feel anxious for what he was about to do. He was distinctly aware he could be making a mistake, something that could cause Laurel to hate him for real, but he didn't feel he had any other options.

"Hello, Ash," Minael greeted him cheerfully after opening the door. He didn't know yet that they'd broken up, Ash realized. He wasn't sure if that would make their talk easier or harder. "Laurel isn't here right now."

"I know," Ash said, forcing a small smile. "I'm actually here to talk to you and Helio, if that's alright. Is he home?"

"He's working in his office." Minael took a step back, waving the healer to come in. "He won't be finished for a few hours."

"I hate to insist," Ash started, knowing from conversations with Laurel how much of a workaholic Helio was. "But I'm afraid this conversation can't wait. It's about Laurel, actually."

"Is he alright?" Minael asked quickly. "Is he hurt?"

"He's not in any danger," Ash answered diplomatically. "But there is something wrong."

"I'll get Helio," he promised, looking worried. "Please, you can sit anywhere."

"Ash! You're here." Ingrid's voice held a note of compassion that alerted him that while Minael had no idea that Laurel had decided to unceremoniously end their relationship, she was definitely aware.

"I'm here," he answered, tilting his head to study her. "I don't know if you'll want to be involved in the conversation I'm planning to have with your parents now, Ingrid."

"What do you want to say to them?"

"It's not what I want to say to them, but I have to do what I feel is best for Laurel. If I'm not going to be around, I have to make sure he has some kind of support system, whether he wants it or not."

"I don't understand what you mean," she said. "And don't give up on him," she added, pleading. "I know he was awful to you, but when I talked to him today, he was so regretful and-"

"Please," he interrupted her, trying to sound as polite as he possibly could. "I'm not ready to talk about any of that. If he has regrets, he knows where to find me. What I'm here to talk about is Malory."

Eyes widening, Ingrid felt her stomach clench in automatic denial. "Ash, you can't."

"I'm sorry, but I have to. I understand what Laurel wants, but this is what I feel is best for everyone. And if he hates me for it, then so be it. He doesn't want to be with me, regardless, so-"

"But that's not true!" She insisted. "He cried for you! He hates what he did, it's just that… He's afraid."

"I know that, but I can't be his emotional punching bag every time he has a negative feeling. I'm sorry, Ingrid, but I have to ask you to stay out of this."

Heartbroken for both of them, she could only nod. "I understand, Ash. I'm sorry. I… I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you're the perfect person for my brother. I really hope the two of you can figure out how to make it work. I don't think he'll ever be happy without you."

"Thank you," Ash responded softly. "I'm sorry for all the pain this will cause your family."

"It isn't your fault," she said. Taking a deep breath, she sat on the sofa across from him. "I'll stay. I don't know what's going to happen, but I have to be here for Laurel, too. And for you," she added.

"I appreciate your support. You've always been a ray of sunshine for me, Ingrid. I'm so grateful Laurel will always have you to lean on."

"Don't say things like that," she chided him. "I know you don't want to talk about it, but you're going to be there for him, too. And there's nothing you can say to change my mind."

"You're as stubborn as he is," Ash noted, but he appreciated the sentiment.

It wasn't long before Minael returned to the room, his husband close behind him.

"I'm sorry for interrupting your work," Ash said.

Holding up a single hand, Helio shook his head. "I believe whole-heartedly that you have my son's best interest in mind, Ash. There's no need to apologize." He'd made mistakes ignoring Laurel's needs before, and he was determined not to make any more.

Steeling himself, Ash wondered how he could look these two men, men that had welcomed him into their home and treated him fairly and generously, in the eye and tell them this horrible thing that had happened under their noses, to one of the two people they were supposed to protect and cherish. He was used to giving families wonderful news, news that would have them crying tears of joy. The thought of shattering their world view made him feel a bit sick, but there was nothing to be done.

Starting from the beginning, Ash explained how he hadn't been entirely truthful about his career as a healer. Pulling out a few case reports from the duffel bag at his side, he passed them to Laurel's parents as he explained his treatment process for victims suffering debilitating symptoms of trauma.

Skimming through one of the reports, Helio gave a nod at Ash's confession, but drew his dark brows together. "This is a very noble cause you've dedicated yourself to, and I can see that you've utilized your gift in a way that is invaluable in helping others, but what does this have to do with Laurel?"

"Laurel is the reason I'm here," Ash explained. "Nero hired me to come and work with Laurel, so I could perform my treatment on him."

"Nero and March and I, we all worked really hard researching different healing processes and different strains of magic," Ingrid spoke up. "And finally, we found out about Ash, and Nero invited him to come stay at the castle while he went through everything with Laurel."

"But why would you do that?" Minael asked. The confusion in his pretty, lilting voice intensified Ash's guilt. "Laurel isn't in a coma or having a phobia, or these other awful things. Why would he need you for this?"

At his question, Ingrid rose from her seat to settle next to Minael, wriggling under his arm to snuggle against his side. Ash wasn't sure if it was meant to comfort him or herself.

He murmured something to her in a language Ash couldn't understand, before stroking a hand down her back and laying a gentle kiss on her temple. Helio stared at them for a moment, before shifting his gaze back to Ash. The healer could see a bitter shadow in his dark eyes now, as if he knew something had been hidden from him.

"Laurel hasn't been able to use his magic correctly for a few years now," Ash explained. "I would assume you're both aware of that, and all the trouble it's caused him."

"He…" Helio shook his head. "He told us he wasn't interested in creating art anymore. I assumed that was because of the depression he seemed to be suffering at the time. He made a lot of strange decisions then that we didn't approve of or understand, but we could hardly force him to use his magic."

"Laurel lied to you," Ash explained, matter-of-factly. "It isn't that he wasn't interested. His mental state made it impossible for him to use his gift in a way that wasn't painful or destructive." Because the shocked look on their faces implied they had more questions, he rushed into the next phase of the explanation. "I've gone through my treatment process with him over the last few months, and he's improved a lot, but it's been gradual. I went with him to the studio he owns in the downtown district and watched him make a small sculpture."

"That's amazing," Minael cut in. "I had no idea that he was becoming involved in making his art again. That's wonderful, isn't it?" He said, turning to Helio, who could only give his naive husband a small nod.

"It's obviously a positive sign that he's interested in art again, but I'm going to need clarification on why his abilities were so compromised in the first place."

Ash glanced at Ingrid, who looked miserable. He felt the same, but there was no turning back now. Taking a deep breath, he once again launched into explaining how he was aware that it wasn't necessarily his place to be talking to them about this, but as someone who was technically Laurel's therapist, he felt that them knowing and having the ability to be a support system to the sorcerer was the only thing that was going to ensure that he continued healing.

When the time came that he couldn't delay it any longer, he could only be as factual as possible, while sparing Laurel's dignity as much as he could. There was no need for graphic details.

"The reason Laurel was so unstable at that time is because he and Malory's relationship was very unhealthy. Malory was verbally abusive to him, as well as physically violent on multiple occasions, almost from the very beginning of their courtship."

"No," Helio argued. He sounded shocked, but stern. "I understand that you're with Laurel now, and that maybe you have some negative feelings toward someone he was with in the past, but you don't know Malory. You didn't see them together."

"Helio, forgive me for being blunt, but I told you how my treatment works. I've seen the things Malory did to him with my own eyes, through Laurel's own memories. Malory von Aurant isn't who you think he is. He's a cruel and sadistic person, who broke down Laurel's self esteem so that he wouldn't have the courage to leave him. The public image he maintains is nothing like how he is behind closed doors. Laurel was a victim of that."

By the time Ash was finished talking, Helio's chest was rising and falling at an increased rate. He slowly turned to where Ingrid was silently crying into Minael's shoulder. Minael looked shell-shocked, like the words hadn't sunk in for him yet.

"Ingrid, do you know something about this?" Helio asked. She raised her head to look at him, guilt shining through the tears in her pale eyes. "You're not in trouble," he assured her. "I just need to understand what's going on."

"It's true," she assured him, through a throat that felt raw and scratchy from crying twice in the same day. "Sometimes when he would come home from seeing him, he would have bruises all over. He… He begged me not to tell anyone, so I didn't. I'm sorry if I didn't do the right thing, I just didn't want Laurel to hate me."

"Why would he not tell us?" Minael asked aloud, to no one in particular. Though Ash could sense the horror was beginning to seep into his understanding, he was surprised by the stability of Laurel's father. As sweet and simple as he seemed, the healer could tell by the courage bubbling up inside him to combat his burgeoning grief, he was used to being a pillar of strength for his family.

"I don't have the answer to that," Ash said honestly. "But I can tell you that I know he felt ashamed for letting himself be a victim to Malory. If I had to give my opinion as a professional, and as someone that knows Laurel's mind fairly well at this point, I would say he didn't want to be viewed as someone who was weak. I imagine he thinks people would look down on him for staying, though he did end up leaving eventually."

Minael had more questions that Ash struggled to answer. He gave as much comfort as he could, while constantly reminding himself that he wasn't a part of their family, so he had to maintain some distance from their grief. While he might love Laurel, they were Laurel's family. It wasn't right of him to intrude on their personal sorrow.

Eventually, Helio stood, surprising Ash. The man had been silent for so long, the healer had nearly forgotten he was there. Except for the waves of bitter anger pumping off him.

"I appreciate you being forthcoming, Ash," he said. "It means a great deal to me that you would be honest with us, for Laurel's sake. But if you'll excuse me, I need to reflect on some of what you've told us."

"I need to be leaving, anyway," Ash answered. An unexpected twinge of pain tugged at him, and he realized he wasn't sure if he would ever see Helio, Minael, or Ingrid again. Shaking his head against the feeling, he bowed his head to the three of them as he stood. "Again, I'm sorry for what you're all going through, but I wish you the best in coming to terms with it. Please just remember that Laurel has been going to therapy for this for a good while now, and he's starting to heal. So the most important thing you can do is just to be there for him."

"Of course we will," Minael answered. Helio gave a final nod before exiting the room. Watching as his husband walked away, he gave Ash a slightly apologetic look. "He deals with his emotions in a way that is different, so please don't take offense to that."

"Not at all," Ash said. "I understand. We all have our own ways of dealing with it. Thank you again, Minael, for everything. You've always been very gracious to me."

"You make my son happy, so you make me very happy."

Remains to be seen, Ash thought, but didn't answer.

"Bye, Ash," Ingrid piped up from her spot on the couch. "I'll see you soon." Her words were so pointed, so unwavering. Her confidence in his future with Laurel reminded him that he should have confidence, too. Even if everything felt hopeless.