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CHAPTER 8

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T he captain was a mess. Everyone was, in fact, a mess, but the captain was the worst by far. The Griknot prince and Foryk were struggling as well, though Ituk and his team seemed to be handling things with a little more ease. There was a clear divide between them all that concerned me, but they seemed to be working together well enough so far that I pushed it from my mind.

The biggest, most prevalent problem right now was the situation with Hastings and Brin. They had been taken by The Program as punishment for their ‘crimes’, and we were unable to access them. Well, they were unable to. I had access to the scientist’s territory as a guard, and I was utilising it as much as possible through my connections.

Artemis still hadn’t shown up yet, and I was starting to worry she never would. The only thing that would stop her from saving the children was if she were being held up, and whatever it was that was big enough to prevent her from coming would not be good.

As it stood, I had been brainstorming alternative escape options. I’d even spoken to Mother and Father to determine our best course of action from this point forward. We had never wanted to join forces with The Program. We had accepted the contracts through our family-owned security firm without some vital information, but by that point it was too late to back out. The contracts were ironclad.

But, we were nearing the end of those contracts and had no intention of renewing them. We suspected they wouldn’t allow us to leave after all we’d witnessed, but now was the time to get out, and we needed to do so well enough that they couldn’t come after us.

Unfortunately, the situation with Hastings and Brin had put a damper on our plans. The captain and Brin were in possession of the true evidence of Hastings’ innocence, but it seemed even Nova Station’s board of officials were now a part of the problem and had condemned both of them to become The Program’s latest subjects.

I wasn’t certain what they were doing to them, but it wouldn’t be good. Nothing they did was ever good.

That was clearer than ever as I watched the captain fall apart right in front of me. It reminded me too much of my own reaction when I’d learned how Artemis and Liberty were being treated all those solars ago. I’d been as helpless, frustrated and panicked then as the captain was now, and that made it even harder to watch.

The woman he loved was being tortured by the enemy, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. At least he wasn’t like me. I’d given the woman I loved right back to them, and there wasn’t anything in this universe or the next that could make me forgive myself. The only thing I could do was try to atone, but I knew it would never amount to anything. I’d come to terms with the loss of her when I’d chosen to stay behind rather than go with her. If she wouldn’t forgive me for that then there was no way she’d forgive me for everything else I’d done. It caused me physical pain to think about, but what was done was done.

I couldn’t take back the past, but I could help her build her future. And these people were in it, even if I wasn’t.

The captain let out another scream of pure emotional agony. His hair was ruffled from the amount of times he’d run his fingers through it, his eyes were red and swollen from crying, the dark pits beneath his eyes evidence of his exhaustion. Even his usually neatly pressed uniform was buttoned wrong, his shirt untucked, the collar flipped, and his pants were even on inside out.

In the singular solar I’d known the man, not once had I ever seen him with even so much as a hair out of place, yet here he was cracking apart from the seams at the loss of his love. She was right there but still so far out of reach.

I knew how that felt better than most and I would never wish it on anyone, even my worst enemy.

Well, maybe them. They could suffer worse than all the pain and suffering they had caused combined. Fuck them.

I checked the surrounding area again for any sign of someone coming. My shift was almost over which meant so was the captain’s meltdown. I couldn’t wait to get away from it all. The reminder of what I’d been through and how much I’d lost was almost too much to bear. I needed some space from it so I could rebuild my walls and chain those emotions back into their corner in the recesses of my mind. I was no good to anyone when I was overly emotional. I’d learned that the hard way, and there was no point dwelling on something that couldn’t be changed.

I couldn’t help myself, but I could help the captain save his woman and their friend. I owed them all that much. Even Foryk, the bastard.

I wasn’t doing this for him. He’d made his bed and he could lay in it on the other side of the Intergalactic Union, far away from me. The fact that he would be with Artemis rubbed salt into an old, reopened wound but the knowledge that he wouldn’t make the same mistake twice helped soothe me.

As long as they remained strictly platonic. If he attempted to make a move on her then all bets were off.

The prince I could tolerate. Foryk, not so much.

I attempted to shake of the despair at the thought of Artemis finding someone else, but it didn’t work. It never did. Instead, all it seemed to do was wind my muscles even tighter and cause my teeth to grind. I felt the muscles in my neck start to spasm with how tense they were and rolled my head to try and relieve the pressure.

My holo-tab vibrated discretely against my leg from where it hung on my belt, letting me know that my shift was up. And so was the captain’s emotional episode. I cleared my throat to get his attention but he must have been too deep inside his own head to hear me. I tried again louder, but still nothing.

I sighed. He was quiet now, rocking back and forth on his knees and tugging at his hair. I was going to have to snap him out of it before my replacement showed up.

I walked over to him, keeping my movements obvious and slow enough not to startle him. I bent down in front of him so that we could be at eye level. I felt like I owed him that much, even if I didn’t actually owe the guy anything. It wasn’t my fault his girlfriend was taken by The Program, nor was it my responsibility to save everyone, though I was doing my best. My best wasn’t great, but at least I was trying.

I knew what he felt because I lived with it every day. It kept me up at night and fuelled both my waking thoughts and my nightmares. I was trying to throw in a little compassion with my understanding, though it was difficult. I didn’t have much room to care anymore. Most of the time I was just going through the motions.

It’s your own fault, a voice whispered in the back of my mind.

I did what I had to do , I reminded myself. Consequences be damned, I did what I thought was best, even if it wasn’t, and I had to live with that.

I physically shook off those thoughts which drew the captain’s attention. His eyes peered through his arms at me. I used that to grab hold of him and pull him back.

‘Captain, my shift is over,’ I informed him, keeping my voice low and kind. ‘Time to get up and make yourself presentable.’

His gulp was audible, the flex of his throat exaggerated as he attempted to swallow his emotions and don his mask once again. He was mostly successful.

He stood back up, straightened his clothing, smoothed down his hair, and wiped at the tears on his face. He couldn’t get rid of the redness or the puffiness and there was still an immense sadness spilling from him if you knew where to look, but to those who didn’t care they wouldn’t see anything other than the same pristine captain he always presented himself as.

‘Thank you,’ he said monotonously, though the slight inflection at the end when his breath hitched let me hear his sincerity.

I responded with a nod and went back to my post.

Just as I settled back into my position my replacement showed up, and I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw she was my mother.

‘All quiet?’ she asked, briefly glancing towards the captain with the real question in her eyes.

‘All quiet,’ I affirmed.

‘Good. Go get some rest. We’ve got another shipment coming in tomorrow and it’ll be all hands on deck.’

I frowned at the news. I hadn’t told the others what was in those shipments, but it was even more concerning that they had so many. If our intel was correct, there were hundreds of children born from The Program’s experiments and they were all being sent here. Nova Station was about to be overrun with toddlers with dangerous abilities, and I could only hope and pray to whatever deity would listen that the scientists would be able to contain them. Especially in a structure like Nova Station where our very survival was dependent upon very delicate machines. If even one broke free and managed to find themselves somewhere they weren’t supposed to be, the entire station and everyone on it could be destroyed.

‘Understood. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ I gave her a quick pat on the shoulder and left.

I stupidly snuck in one last glance at the distraught captain before walking away, and the dead, hopeless look in his eyes gave me chills that haunted me for the rest of the journey to my assigned room.

All of us guards had been provided a place to stay within our assigned area on Nova Station. I had been given a dorm within Nova Academy equipped with a kitchenette and living space that I was lucky enough to share with my parents. Their room was opposite mine, but they were currently both working so I had the place to myself for the time being. That privacy was also what allowed me to finally break as soon as the door closed behind me.

My breath left me in a whoosh as my back slid down the door. Once on the floor I rested my arms on my knees to prop up my head, squeezed my eyes shut and begged my emotions to shut off.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to hurt someone.

No, I wanted to hurt myself. I was here because of my own actions. I’d lost the only woman I had ever truly loved and I was the only one to blame. I’d tried my best, but it wasn’t enough . I wasn’t enough.

I had to be tough. There was no other choice. This mess the entire IU had found itself in was going to take a war to correct. Lines were already being drawn, sides were being taken, and the fighting was about to start. My only option was to put on a brave face and pretend I knew what I was doing.

But it was in moments like these, those rare times when I was completely alone and free to let my mask drop and bare my pain, my very soul, to the universe that I admitted the truth to myself. I was scared. I was lonely. I was pushing ahead without a plan, floundering in the dark with only a feather for an anchor.

And I hated myself for what I did to Artemis. I should have been there for her like I’d promised, but I’d just fucked it all up. Just like I fucked up everything else in my life. My parents thought I was the golden child, but that was beyond far from the truth.

No matter how hard I tried, I only seemed to make things worse.

I let myself feel it for a little bit longer before I tucked it all away again in their neat piles in the back of my mind. Emotions hadn’t gotten me anywhere good so far, I wasn’t about to let them wreak any more havoc. People were depending on me, and I needed to make things right.

I stood back up, wiped the wetness from my face that I hadn’t realised had accumulated in my moment of weakness, and went right back to pretending I was stronger than I actually was.

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