51. Nathan

The farmland was covered in snow when the holiday season rolled around. Like all the years prior, we hosted a big Christmas Eve party in the barn. Holiday music blasted through the speakers, and eggnog was poured at remarkable speeds as the spirit of the season took over in full force.

I wandered off to the horse stables to get a few breaths of air. For the most part, I did okay with Avery’s and my friendship. Over the past few months, we’d become professionals at taking it slow, but I had to admit, a big part of me wanted to pull her under some mistletoe and place my mouth against hers.

I missed her kisses.

I missed holding her.

I missed her.

The version of her when she was mine.

Sure, we had this newfound friendship, but I couldn’t help but wish it was more.

I figured I’d always want more with that woman. She was the only thing I couldn’t get enough of.

“Walking off the eggnog?” a voice said, breaking me from my thoughts.

I turned to see my mother standing in the doorframe of the stables with a smile on her face. Her arms were crossed over her large puffer jacket as she walked toward me. She gently nudged me in the arm. “Or are you overthinking things?”

I gave her a smile. “Me? Overthink? Psh. Never.”

She frowned and shook her head. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

“Sorry? For what?”

“For not seeing how much pressure your father put on you.”

I narrowed my eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“I had a heart-to-heart with your brother Evan. Lord knows how much eggnog it took for him to open up. You know that boy’s stubborn with his feelings. But he told me he was scared about being a father again. Then he told me about a conversation you and he had on Halloween.”

“Oh…that.”

“Yes. That. Sweetheart…” Her eyes were packed with emotion. “Were all the choices you made back then an outcome of what went down between you and your father the night he passed?”

I hesitated to reply because it didn’t matter anymore. “That was a long time ago.”

“Still…it matters.”

“Why would it matter?”

“Because it would mean you gave up your life to save this farm. A farm that wasn’t your dream.”

“This place is home to me, Mom. We would’ve lost everything.”

“And we would’ve found something new.” She placed a comforting hand against my cheek. “You’ve done more than enough for this family, Nathan. You’ve saved enough people. Now it’s time for you to put yourself first. It’s time for your life to take flight. And I am so sorry that I didn’t notice the way your father was with you. I was too lost in the ways he was hurting me that I didn’t even know that he was doing the same to my boys.”

I leaned toward her and kissed the top of her head before pulling her into a hug. “We’re all okay, Mom. We boys turned out all right because we had a strong woman leading us.”

She hugged me back. Once she let go, she wiped away her falling tears. “Well, since it’s the holiday season, I figured I could give you one Christmas gift early before tomorrow. Don’t tell your brothers. Lord knows they’ll give me a hard time and claim I was playing favorites.”

“A gift?” I asked. “What is it?”

“Who,” she corrected. “Who is it, you mean.”

Right then, Avery stepped into the stable with a small smile on her face. I stood confused for a moment before Mom leaned toward me and kissed my cheek. “Merry Christmas, Nate. Momma loves you.”

She walked away, leaving me standing there a bit dazed and confused by Avery’s appearance. Avery took a few steps toward me, her nervousness apparent.

“Hi there,” she said with a small smile.

“Hi there,” I replied, moving closer. “What’s going on?”

“Remember when I lived with you and we had a conversation about happiness versus contentment?”

“Yeah. I recall.”

“You said that when people are in love, being content wasn’t good enough. You said there needed to be a word to express the meaning behind that kind of love. Well, I figured out the word that encompasses what love is and that full feeling. The feeling that fills you up from your head to your toes. That feeling of a nature high, where all hurts stop hurting and joy exists tenfold. I know what the word for that is.”

“What is it?”

“You.” Her eyes glassed over, and she shook her head slowly. Her shoulders shrugged. “It’s you, Nathan.”

I shut my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “Coach, don’t come in here on Christmas Eve and play with my emotions. Because it’s getting a lot harder for me not to wrap my arms around you every fucking day.”

“I know, and I have this whole speech in my head that I want to say to you. I’ve been playing it over and over for weeks now. I get that I’m negative and expect the worst outcome. I hardly let my guard down, and if I do, I build it back up quickly. I jump to conclusions. I’m mean?—”

“Avery—”

“Wait, let me finish,” she urged as a flash of emotions sliced through her eyes. “I’m also moody, and scarred, and scared. Mostly that. Mostly, I’m scared, Nathan. I’m scared of being abandoned. I’m scared of being alone. Which is ironic because I self-sabotage and push everyone away in order to avoid being left behind, which ends up leaving me alone. I’m grumpy and don’t smile enough. I pick fights that don’t need to be picked. I get it. I know I’m hard to love, okay? I know I’m a mess and all over the place, and I’m just learning how not to be all these things, but I can’t let this year go by without telling you how I feel.

“I love you, Nathan. I love everything about you. I love your heart and how gentle it is. I love how you are patient. I love how you laugh. I love how you push my buttons. I love how you listen. I love how you see all our guys on the team as individuals. I love that you take extra time to serve them. And I love how easy you make it to fall for you. I love you, Nathan. I love you so much that it scares me, but I don’t want to waste another day not loving you out loud.”

I narrowed my eyes, baffled by everything she was saying. Yet one comment stood out more than the others. “Who told you that?”

“Who told me what?”

“That you were hard to love.”

Her bottom lip trembled as she shook her head. Tears began to roll down her cheeks, and she didn’t try to stop them. As she let the tears out, she was letting me in. “It doesn’t matter. I just know it’s true.”

“Avery…” I stepped toward her, wanting nothing more than to wrap my arms around her and pull her in closer to me. I wanted to wipe away her tears and fill her with the comfort her soul needed and deserved. “It’s true. You are all those things you mentioned, except for that one. You are not hard to love.”

It was only six words, but I saw how they cracked her. She shut her eyes as her body began to shake from her emotions taking over.

I moved in closer and closer. So close that I was able to wipe away her tears and speak the words once more, hoping they’d land against her heartbeat. “You’re not hard to love. Trust me, I know who you are. I know your ins and outs. And you’re right. You’re grumpy, moody, and you do have walls built up. You also leave a shit ton of hair in bathroom drains,” I joked.

She snickered quietly as I kept going. “But you’re so much more than that. You’re an amazing coach. A great friend. You’re loyal. You’re consistent. You always show up whenever someone needs you. You’re humble, even when your gifts deserve more praise. You’re an amazing sister and daughter. You’re funny and clever and the smartest person I’ve ever met. The hardest-working one, too. You challenge people to think in a way they never have before. You are an amazing person, and I need you to understand one thing and one thing only.”

“What’s that?” she asked as her eyes opened.

“Loving you is easy.”

She bit her bottom lip and tugged on her sleeves. “Really?”

I moved in more, softly kissing away the tears falling down her cheeks. “Really.”

“You still love me? After making you wait all these months?”

“I loved you, I love you, and I will love you, Avery Kingsley. This love will never stop.”

“I’m still working with the therapist. I’m still working on me, and I’m trying so hard to be perfect for you. I want to be everything you deserve because you deserve so much, Nathan.”

“Avery…” I took her hands in mine and kissed each palm before holding them to my chest. “You don’t have to be perfect to be loved by me.”

Her eyes fluttered with surprise. “I don’t?”

“You don’t. All I’m waiting to hear from you is when it’s our time to try again. I’m here. I’ve been here this whole time. I’m waiting in the dugout. Just call me out, Coach, and I’m yours. Give me a sign, and it’s game on.”

The next thing I knew, her lips were pressing against mine. She kissed me as if she was apologizing for every hurt she’d ever caused, and I kissed her with all the forgiveness in the world. I didn’t need Avery to be perfect in order for me to love her. I needed her to be real. And that evening, as she stood in the stables—the same stables where we shared our first-ever kiss—I knew we were ready.

I knew we were finally getting a real shot at us. I also knew I’d spend the rest of my life stepping up to the plate to let her know that I’d always show up to bat for her, no matter if she had good days or bad. Because loving her was, and always would be, easy.