31. Avery

Get up, Avery.

No, no, no.

It wasn’t supposed to go like that. Not after the night I shared with Nathan. I was supposed to wake up and be okay. I was supposed to wake up and crawl out of my bed and be on cloud nine from not only winning the game the day prior but also for having the best sex of my life.

I wasn’t supposed to feel so…defeated.

But what if I’d made a mistake sleeping with Nathan? What if what we’d done changed everything? We were doing so good. There was no reason I should’ve let it get as far as it did the night before, but I wanted it so badly. I wanted him so badly.

Still…

Now my mind was trying to convince me of everything that could’ve gone wrong.

If you don’t work out, the team could suffer, Avery.

Why would you let him back into your life after he left you before?

What happens now? You fall in love? Get real. You don’t do love. People don’t love you. People leave you.

My mind was getting louder and louder as I turned in the bed. I looked to my right, and Nathan was still lying beside me, his eyes closed.

A small smile sat against his lips as he muttered, “You up?”

I held my hands to my chest. “I am,” I whispered. “Have you been awake for a while?”

“Yes, but I wanted to wake up with you.” He opened his eyes and moved the falling pieces of my hair from my face. “Good morning.”

I tried to push out a smile, but it faltered. “Morning.”

He pushed himself up on his elbows and looked down at me. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing. Everything’s fine.”

He frowned. He fell back down to the bed and moved in closer, brushing his nose against mine. “Avery…what’s wrong? Was it last night?” Guilt flashed across his eyes. “Did you not want to?—”

“No.” I shook my head. “Last night was…perfect. It’s not you, it’s me.”

“That’s the last thing anyone wants to hear after a night of sex.”

“No, I mean it. It’s me, Nathan. I’m a little messed up sometimes.”

“How so?”

“I don’t know. I struggle to…” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Sometimes it’s hard.”

“What’s hard?”

I blinked my eyes open, and a few tears trailed down my cheeks. “Everything.”

The guilt that once laced his stare shifted to care and concern. And understanding. Maybe that soothed my troubled soul the most—the understanding of his stare. “Are you sad, Avery?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know why?”

“No.”

“But sometimes, is it hard for you to get out of bed?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

“Okay.” He moved in closer and wrapped his arms around me. “Then we’ll stay in bed today.”

Hours passedof him holding me. He didn’t complain for a second, even when I kept offering him my apologies.

“Don’t worry,” he told me as he pushed himself up to a sitting position. His back leaned against the headboard as he looked down at me. “There was a long period of my life when I couldn’t get out of bed, either.”

I sat up and leaned against the headboard. “You too?”

“Me too.” He brushed his thumb against his nose. “After Mickey passed away, I couldn’t get out of bed, no matter how hard I tried. Then even when I felt as if I should’ve been able to get up, I still couldn’t. It was as if my mind was cementing my body into the bed. No matter how many good things happened, it was just hard to…exist.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “Just like that. How did you get through it?”

“I found my beams.”

“Your beams? What does that mean?”

“My therapist told me that when I was going through my darkest moments. She told me to look for my sunbeams. She said that people who are sad often try to dive headfirst into feeling better. They go to extremes and try hard to climb out of the darkness to feel the sun’s full burst of joy again. They try so hard to get back to a feeling from their past when they felt the happiness.”

“Yeah. I do try to chase the high of past happy moments.”

“Many people do. Then they crash and burn because it was too much, too soon, too hard. That leaves a feeling of even more depression because you’re hard on yourself, and you feel as if you’ve failed, when really, you just went too hard, too soon. And it’s not about chasing the past. It’s about allowing a new future through finding your sunbeams.”

“Break it down.”

“The sunbeams are the small bursts of light that break through one’s window of depression. The little flickers of light that remind you of how life can feel. Those sunbeams can be anything. People, places, activities. Mine was my family. Coming back home and working on the farm. Holding a baseball bat in my hands. Laughing with my brothers. To the outside world, these aren’t big things, but to me…they got me to the next day. Over time, I started finding more beams of light. Things that filled me with joy. Over time, the light grew. It’s not a constant thing. Some days, the beams are more abundant than others. But still, the light always comes in. So I think that’s what you need to do. Find your beams of light.”

“I like that thought,” I whispered. “But what if I don’t even have enough energy to get out of bed to shower?”

“Then your sunbeam is your ability to open your eyes and lay still.”

I shut my eyes and slightly shook my head. “But I want to shower. I need to shower. This is so embarrassing to even admit.”

“In the deepest parts of my depression, I went weeks without a shower and stayed hidden in a motel, Avery.” His hand fell against mine. “Never be embarrassed with me.”

As I opened my eyes, tears rolled down my cheeks. “Thank you, Nathan.”

“Of course. If you’d like, I can carry you.”

“Carry me?”

“To the bath. I can bathe with you and hold you through it.”

I tried to let out a chuckle, but it fell short. “No, Nathan. You don’t have to do that. You’ve already done too much, and I can’t ask you to do that.”

He moved a piece of hair from in front of my face, and a lazy smile fell to his lips. “Like I told you weeks ago, Ave. I’ll take care of you.”

A small sob broke through my lips as I let his words envelop me. I felt weak. Tired. Ashamed. And still, he smiled at me and said he’d take care of me.

His thumb brushed away a few of the tears. “Just say the word, and I’ll draw a bath.”

I closed my eyes and nodded. “Please,” I requested.

His lips fell to my forehead, and he kissed me gently. “Always.”

He climbed out of bed and headed out of my room. I listened to the sound of running water as I stayed exactly where he’d left me. About ten minutes later, he returned to the room and lifted me from the bed in his arms.

I laid my head against his shoulder as he walked me to his bathroom. The room was dark, and I appreciated that. Only a few candles glowed as he placed me down on my feet. He began to undress me slowly, pulling my T-shirt over my head before he took off my sweatpants. He removed my bra and panties without taking his stare away from my eyes. There was nothing sexual about the interaction, but the heavy level of intimacy filled me up. He then removed his own clothing. For a few seconds, we stood completely naked. I should’ve felt exposed, but instead, I felt safe. Protected. Free to be broken within his realm.

Nathan took my hands into his and led me to the tub. He helped me step in first, then he stepped into the tub behind me. His body wrapped around mine, and I fell into him as if he were the safety net I needed. He reached for the bath soap and washcloth as I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. He began to clean my body all over, the warmth of the water feeling like a balm to my soul. He didn’t speak, and I was thankful for the silence as he washed us both from head to toe. After a while, he let the water drain from the tub and turned on the overhead shower. He then washed my hair as we remained sitting in the tub.

Water crystals rolled down my cheeks as I kept my eyes shut the whole time. Nathan’s hands massaged my scalp, getting the conditioner deep into the roots. As he rinsed it out, I wondered if he noticed my falling tears intermixing with the shower water flowing down my face.

If he did, he didn’t say a word. Instead, he just made sure I was clean from head to toe.

When we finished, he shut off the water and climbed out of the tub. He wrapped a towel around his waist and retrieved two more towels from his towel warmer. He helped me stand and wrapped a towel around my body, then took another and wrapped it around my hair.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

He smiled in reply before he lifted me into his arms and carried me back to my bedroom. He set me down on the edge of my bed, went into my drawers, and pulled out clean panties for me to slip into.

He held them beneath my feet and slid them up my body. He then went to my bathroom and grabbed my lotions from the counter. Without thought, he knelt in front of me and began to lotion me up from the tip of my toes all the way up to my neck. Every inch of me was moisturized. As his hands rolled over my breasts, I let out a small breath. The care he took was almost overwhelming.

He then left the room for a few moments. When he came back, he was wearing sweatpants and no shirt. He held a blow dryer and an oversized T-shirt of his. He slipped the T-shirt over my shoulders and then plugged in the blow dryer.

I removed the towel from my hair, and he sat behind me, placing me between his thighs, and dried it. My back brushed against his rock-hard abs as he did so, holding me in place.

Once he finished, he unplugged the blow dryer.

I figured he was done, but he headed back to my bathroom and grabbed my toothbrush along with a glass cup.

“Open,” he said. I parted my lips, and he began to brush my teeth for me. After he finished, he held the glass up to my mouth and said, “Spit.”

I spat out the paste in my mouth. He then headed back to the bathroom, rinsed out the glass, and came back.

He gave me that same lazy grin. “Can I hold you again?”

“Please do.”

He climbed into bed with me and wrapped me in his arms. He didn’t ask me to talk. He didn’t ask me to be okay. He didn’t ask me for anything. All he did was hold me.

And there it was…

My beam of light.

He stayed with me the whole day, feeding me meals, lying with me on the couch, and watching movies that I didn’t pay attention to because I was too invested in looking at him. Whenever I looked at him, he was looking at me.

He asked me if I needed anything every second our eyes locked, and I’d shake my head and whisper a “no.” He’d then give me his lazy smile, and I’d feel that smile vibrate against my heartbeat.

When nightfall came, he carried me to my bedroom. I lay in his arms as he kissed my forehead again before closing his eyes.

“Nathan?”

“Yeah?” he whispered, eyes still closed, halfway asleep.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Being my sunbeam today.”

His tired eyes flickered open and locked with mine. His lips turned up in an exhausted grin, and he brushed them gently against mine, giving me the tiniest kiss that felt so big before he fell asleep.

I fell asleep, too, in his arms.

When I woke up, he was still there, holding me in his arms.