Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

RAFAEL

A sense of impending doom hovers over me and I can't figure out why. My life has been going too well, too much going right that it can't last.

For the past three weeks, things with the clubhouse have been running smoothly; our drug sales are booming and the nightclubs and tattoo parlors are thriving. I'm getting closer to Omari, learning more about him and his body. And I'm getting closer to Little Raf, slowly but surely learning how to care for my nephew. I still feel like I'm not good enough and will end up failing him somehow, but I can feel my heart softening towards him.

But something is telling me it can't last. Something is coming, something that could possibly break me. I wish I knew what.

"Big Raf," I hear from my left and I turn to Omari as he walks out of the kitchen, my nephew in his arms. He turned eight months yesterday, growing before my eyes. I'm trying, I really am, but I still keep him at a distance. I can't let him see more of me, for fear that he'll blame me for what happened to his mother. Not now, but in the future, he'll see who I am. I can't let that happen.

Omari stops in front of me, his brilliant smile lighting up his face. I smile back, something I've been doing a lot lately. "Yeah?"

"I asked if you have everything you need?"

"Yeah. I have my saddle bags packed with the essentials. It's only about an hour and half away, so I'll be good."

"I can't believe you have on jeans," Omari says with a grin. "They look good, but I like the slacks more."

Growling, I pull him close and kiss him hard. "Don't tease me." Omari giggles and pushes against my chest. "I'll be back Sunday night."

"We'll be here. Right, big man?" Omari takes Little Raf's hand and waves it at me.

I want to reach out and touch it, shake it, and laugh and smile at him. But something is holding me back. I'm not sure what, but I can't give him my everything.

The same holds true for Omari. I don't want to play with his feelings, but he doesn't know everything, so I can't give him all of me. If he knew my past, knew what I did to my own father, knew how I failed my mama and my sister, he wouldn't want me. So, I'm keeping that part of me secret. And if I can't give him that piece, we can't have anything more than what we have now.

"Take care of each other," I tell him, meaning it in more ways than he could possibly imagine.

"We will. You do the same. Be careful, yeah?"

Sighing at my hopeless thoughts, I grip Omari's chin and kiss him quickly. "Yeah. I'll see you two in a few days." Without a backwards glance, I head out, itching to get away but eager to get back.

Fucking emotions.

I start my chopper and hit the open road, letting the peace and cool air blow past me. Since we have a long ride, I have on a pair of jeans, long sleeved t-shirt and a leather jacket under my cut. I have my regular clothes in my saddle bag so I can change at the party.

When I pull up to the clubhouse, most of the brothers are milling about, packing up for our weekend away. After I turn off my bike and lower my kickstand, I throw my leg over the side and head over to Jace. He and a few of my other brothers are staying behind to keep an eye on things.

I clap hands with Jace and my brothers, nodding at those that are busy but acknowledge me. "Afternoon, Prez," Jace says. He nods to the others that are around him and gestures to them to give us some privacy. Once they step away, he says, "Zeke and Pete will ride with you to the warehouse to get the drugs packed and ready. The rest of the guys will be waiting for you all at the rest stop off Route 8."

I'm glad he has that organized. Jace was the right choice to take Christian's place as vice president. When I need help, I don't have to ask for it—he's already on the tasks I need him to complete.

The warehouse where we keep our drug and gun supply is deep in the Tennessee woods, only ranking members knowing where it is and are able to access it. With the shit that went down with the prospects that snitched on Rax, I'm glad it's not common knowledge. If non-ranking members knew and let the location slip, we would be slapped with drug charges, maybe even RICO charges if the cops could spin it right.

I pat his shoulder. "Thanks, brother."

Jace smirks at me, poking me in the neck. My hand flies up to smack his away and Jace laughs. Not for the first time, the brothers have been giving me shit for the hickeys on my neck. Omari and I can't seem to stop marking each other, showing everyone that sees them that we belong to each other.

Do we really though? Knowing I haven't told him everything, can I really say I belong to him? Omari is mine—mind, body, and soul. He shares everything with me. He's an open book. There have been plenty of nights that he shared his insecurities about his weight, questioning if I really wanted him because of it. And every night he got down on himself, I was there to show him with my hands and my mouth that he was fucking sexy as sin.

He gave all of himself to me. Will I ever be able to do the same?

Shaking that thought away, I walk inside the clubhouse and clap hands with Zeke and Pete, waiting for Pete to get ready so we can go. He's moving slow, his limp more pronounced. When he stands, I see a cut and a bruise under his eye. I reach out and grip his chin, turning his head so I can really see his face. He snatches out of my grip, his eyes downcast.

"What happened to you?" I ask, feeling anger rise in me. Is someone fucking with my brothers that I don't know about?

"Nothing I can't handle, Prez. Y'all ready?"

Zeke speaks up, shaking his head at me. "Yeah, bro. I'm ready. Shouldn't take long."

I decide to drop it for now, but I'll revisit what the fuck is going on with Pete's face.

The three of us ride over to the warehouse—me and Zeke on our choppers, Pete following behind in the club's F-350.

Quickly, the three of us load up the drugs that will get the new chapter started with their dealings. They already set up connections in the local area and in Atlanta, taking some of the weight of distribution off Joker's club, the Hell's Demons MC. He's been the main supplier for all the Atlanta area's dealers, which puts a strain on him if he doesn't have the product. With the new chapter, he'll have some help and more people to transport the coke, pills and weed across state lines.

We get the truck loaded, hiding the shipments in the removable side panels and removable bed of the truck. Once that's done, we head out, catching up with the rest of the brothers at the rest stop.

The ride to Hunterfield is peaceful, with no traffic and good weather. This is the ride most bikers love to take. The perfect day.

Even with the perfect weather, that sense of doom settles around me like a shroud. I'm not sure if it's because even the weather is nice or because this is the type of weather Christian rode in when he had his heart attack. Is this grim sense because I'll end up like Christian? Is there something after me?

Fuck, Little Raf doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve to have all of the people in his life taken from him. I'm glad I listened to Shane and had paperwork drawn up to add Omari as Little Raf's guardian, not just his medial proxy. If something happens to me, Little Raf needs someone that will be good to him, someone that will take care of him and make sure he has a happy life.

Almost two hours later, we're pulling up to the new chapter clubhouse. Unlike ours that's set deep in the woods, this clubhouse is close to the city. It's a smart position, in case there's trouble, brothers can escape onto the highway quickly.

Cheering greets my ears from the members of the Hunterfield chapter, some brothers I know from Missouri chapters stepping forward. I park my chopper and hop off, clapping hands with them, some asking after Finn. After I assure them all he's happy and living his best life in Cuba, I make my way over to Joker, who is with the other members of the Hell's Demons MC.

"What's up, man?" he asks, looking me up and down. His gaze bores into me, trying to see into my soul. Then he smiles, punching me in the arm. "Holy shit. Who is she?"

"She what?" I grumble, pushing him away from me so I can greet everyone else.

Joker is not letting up and I'm starting to regret inviting him to celebrate with us. "The girl that's got you glowing, brother."

My bigmouthed enforcer ambles up, throwing his arm around Joker's shoulder. "It's his nanny. His name is Omari."

"His?" Joker parrots, raising his eyebrows. "Well, that's a development."

"Drop it," I growl, moving deeper into the clubhouse so I can have a look around. It's set up much the same as ours, minus the stripper poles the old president of my chapter insisted we add. I think when we get back, I'll have ours removed. This space looks miles better without them.

Of course, Joker doesn't drop it. "Omari is a nice name. Really rolls off the tongue." He stops short for a second, then looks at Zeke, who still has his arm around his shoulder. "Wait, nanny? You got a kid?"

I pause in my steps, turning around to look at him. "My kid sister died. I have her son. Is that a problem?"

Joker shakes his head, his eye softening. "Shit, brother. I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Sighing, I run my hands through my hair, tugging at the ends. I'm surprised I even told him about Little Raf. No one outside of my brothers and Maria know about him. "It's fine. Don't worry about it."

"Look, I know I give you shit?—"

"We're cool," I tell Joker, clapping him on the shoulder. "Now let's get this fucking ceremony going. I need a drink. "

After staring me down to make sure I really mean it, Joker howls like a loon, banging on the bar top. Zeke whistles loudly, getting everyone's attention. "Alright listen up, Prez has something to say. We're going to start the ceremony and Devil's Mayhem, Hunterfield chapter will be initiated."

Howls and cheers crop up and everyone turns to look at me. It's not often I speak in front of anyone except the brothers I know, but they need to know who I am and who they'll have to answer to if they fuck up.

I wait until everyone grows quiet then I step more into the room. "Some of you know me, some of you don't. For those that don't, I'm Rafael. You can call me Prez." A few people laugh, though I'm not joking. "Being a part of Devil's Mayhem means you'll always have family. You'll always be a part of something bigger than yourself. All we require is your loyalty. If you're loyal, the rewards will be great. If you fuck me over, there is nothing I won't do to make sure I have the last laugh." Some of the brothers I know personally send me approving smiles. "Now that you're a part of Devil's Mayhem, make sure you rep your cut at all times and if someone fucks you over, you make them pay. Entendido?" More brothers clap and some pat me on the back. A beer is thrust into my hand and the party begins.

Despite what I said to Joker, I don't want to drink. My mind is still firmly in Tennessee, with Omari and Little Raf. I want to be here with my brothers, but I want to be with them even more. Something is wrong . But I don't know what. Mama always told me to listen to my gut. I am, but I don't know what the fuck I'm listening out for.

The noise of the party and the handsy hangarounds that won't leave me the fuck alone have me going outside, sitting by one of the fire pits alone. I never have much fun at parties, always too serious to let loose, but this has to be the least fun I've ever had. Too much going on when all I want to do is sit in silence.

I look into the fire, not really seeing but feeling. I wish I knew what was going on, but all I have is a heavy heart, thumping roughly in my chest.

"Prez!" I hear a frantic cry behind me. I stand and turn, seeing Zeke pushing through the crowd. He rushes over to me, thrusting his phone at me. "It's Omari. Little Raf is hurt."

This is it. This is what this fucked up feeling I've been carrying around all day has been.

I snatch the phone from his hand as I run through the clubhouse, pulling my keys out as I go. "What happened?" I bark into the phone.

Omari's sobs greet me, but they're broken and glitching. "He … bad … ER and … please … here … gotta come … because …" Then the phone beeps in my ear. I pull it away and it says the signal was lost.

"Fuck!" I scream, tossing Zeke his phone back. "I gotta go."

"Yeah, go. Pete can drive you."

"I'm not fucking waiting," I growl, throwing my leg over my chopper and starting it quickly. "I need to get back to my family."

I don't wait for a reply, I just thrust my helmet on my head and pull away from the clubhouse, gunning the throttle and pointing in the direction of home.

My life was going too well, everything was falling into place too easily. I should have known there was something that would bring me low.

What is wrong with him? Why is Little Raf in the emergency room? Will I make it in time?

Oh fuck, what if I don't? What if I miss him just like I did my sister? Just like with my sister, I never told Little Raf I loved him. I never held him without my guard up. I never let him see who I really am. It might not mean anything to him, since he's only eight months old, but it'll be something I'll have to live with for the rest of my days.

I don't want to add Little Raf to my dead. I need him. He and Omari are the only bright spots in my life. For years, I've been going through the motions, taking care of my brothers, but not having anything for myself. But Omari and Little Raf? They're mine. They're what I have for my own. I can't say goodbye to Little Raf. Not before I can be the uncle he deserves.

If I make it, if he's okay, I swear I'll do better. I pray to a god I don't really believe in that he'll be okay. I just need one more chance to prove to him that I can be better. I just need one more chance to show him, to show them both.

It's time I open myself up. It'll hurt, it'll be hard, but I need to. I won't have anything for myself unless I do.

The ride to the hospital takes no time at all. One minute, I'm on the highway in Georgia, the next, I'm parking haphazardly in a space in front of the emergency room, barely putting my kickstand down before I run into the hospital.

When I step inside, I look left and right, trying to find Omari. I don't see anyone. I rush to the desk, a feeling of déjà vu overtaking me as I bang on the counter to get the nurse's attention. She looks up at me, a fearful look in her eyes as her gaze roams over me, landing on my cut.

"Hey!" I shout when she just stares. "Where is Rafael Suarez? He was brought here …" I check my watch and I'm startled to realize I only left an hour and fifteen minutes ago. It took close to two hours to get to Hunterfield. "An hour ago. Where is he?"

She looks around like she's searching for him behind the desk. "What the fuck are you doing?" I growl. "Find my fucking nephew now! "

The nurse squeaks, two fat tears leaking from her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm new, I don't?—"

"I don't give a fuck how long you've been here. Find my fucking nephew before I knock all this shit over. Now!"

"Raf?" a soft voice says behind me and I turn around quickly to find Omari standing just at the end of the hall. I speed walk over to him, taking in his frightened face. "He's here."

"What the fuck happened?" I ask, fuming. "What did you do?"

Omari's face pales and his bottom lip trembles. He bursts into tears, holding his middle as he walks to a room further down the hall. I follow behind him, taking long strides to get to Little Raf.

He pushes the door open and there's my nephew, lying on his stomach, mouth open in his slumber. What's wrong? Why is he here? What?—

As I approach, I see hives marring his face, his arms, and the skin of his back that I can see. His face is red from crying, tears tracking his face.

I pull a chair over, wanting to touch him, but not wanting to hurt him. Fuck, those hives look painful. I grab his hand, the only place that doesn't seem to have any of those angry red bumps.

"What happened, Omari?" My voice is soft with worry now instead of the gruff tone I took with him in the hallway. I shouldn't have shouted.

His sniffling has me lifting my head. He can't meet my eyes, but he looks so fucking down and hurt. "I made breakfast for dinner." He stops as another sob breaks free of his throat. "Grits, eggs, and bacon. I fed him some bacon and he liked it. Not a lot, just a tiny piece for him to gnaw on. Then, I gave him some grits when they cooled down. That was fine too. But the eggs …" He lowers himself to a chair by the door, pu tting his face in his hands as he cries. "It was almost instant. After I fed him the eggs, he started vomiting and those hives popped up. His tongue started swelling and it sounded like his breathing was labored, like it was hard for him to take a deep breath. I got him here as soon as I could. I tried to call you, but you didn't answer." He cries more and my heart breaks.

He didn't know. It wasn't something he did on purpose. Fuck, why did I blame him? Omari is responsible, way more responsible than me. He would never do anything to hurt Little Raf. He stuck around when he was afraid of me, just to make sure Little Raf had someone. Why would it ever enter my mind that Omari was the cause of Little Raf being here?

"I'm so sorry," Omari cries, his sobs loud in the room. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt him. Oh god, what if it was worse? What if—" He doesn't finish, overtaken by his sobs again.

"Come here, precioso." I hold my hand out for Omari, but he just cries harder. "Omari, baby. Come here."

He lifts himself from the chair and walks over to me heavily. I pull him down to my lap and hold him while he cries, his tears drifting down my neck and soaking my shirt. I rub his back gently, shushing him. "It's okay, baby."

"It's not," he whispers. "I told you we'd be fine and we ended up here. I've never been so scared in my life, Raf. I didn't know what to do."

"You did it. You got him here for help. You did good. I'm sorry I blamed you."

"I deserve it," he says morosely.

"No, you don't," I tell him with conviction. Omari looks at me with wide, wet eyes. "You didn't know. I'm not sure about Little Raf's dad, but my family has no allergies. There was no way you could have guessed that he would have one. I just …" I blow out a long breath. "This is the same call I got with his mother. I thought he was …"

"I tried to tell Zeke what was going on, but service here is shitty. All he could make out was I was in the emergency room."

A doctor enters the room before we can talk more. "Are you the guardian of the child?" she asks, meeting my eyes.

"We both are," I say, and meet Omari's surprised eyes before turning back to the doctor. "Will he be alright?"

"Yes, he had a moderate allergic reaction to eggs. Not enough where he went into anaphylactic shock, but it did induce vomiting, hives, reddening of the eyes, and a slightly swollen tongue. We administered Benadryl to see if we could calm the reaction, which we did. But he still has visible hives, so we'll go ahead and give him more."

"What do we do?" Omari asks in a whisper.

"For now, stay away from eggs. His pediatrician can set him up with an allergist and you both can see how severe the reaction is. There will be an allergy test but it will be in a controlled environment, so no need to worry. Monitor him over the next few days. I'll put in a prescription for meds you can feed him with applesauce to help with the hives and if he has an upset tummy."

The doctor walks over to Little Raf and turns him over. He whines when he opens his eyes. They're bloodshot, but I'm not sure if it's from tiredness or because of the allergic reaction. She hums to him as she feeds him some medication from a syringe she had in her hand. Little Raf tries to spit it out, but she's a pro, making sure he takes it all. "There you go. We'll come back and check on him in an hour," she says, walking over to our side of the bed. She places Little Raf in Omari's outstretched hands. "Good job getting him here, Dad. He's going to be just fine." Neither of us correct her.

The door shuts behind her in a soft click. Little Raf looks up at Omari, his eyes blinking slowly in his tiredness. He reaches a hand up to rest on Omari's cheek as he dozes off. Silent tears drip down Omari's face as he looks down at Little Raf.

"I'm sorry, big man. I'm so sorry," he whispers.

We sit at the hospital for a few more hours, making sure the Benadryl works. The hives go away and the redness from Little Raf's eyes disappears. I breathe a sigh of relief when the doctor says we're free to go and a nurse enters our room with discharge papers.

"You have visitors," the nurse tells us, a look of fear on his face.

"Visitors in the emergency room?" Omari asks tiredly as he packs up Omari's diaper bag. I have the baby resting against my shoulder, his soft breaths drifting over me. His deep, even breathing gives me hope that I have the chance to make things better as his guardian.

When we step out of the room, Jace, Reaper, and my other brothers that stayed behind rush over, crowding us.

"Jace. What are you all doing here?" I ask.

"Zeke told us you were here with Baby Rafael. We came to check on him. See if you need anything."

I shake my head and wrap my arm around Omari's shoulder. "We're good. Brothers, this is Omari. My boyfriend."

Omari's head whips over to me. I raise an eyebrow at him. He smiles as a tear leaks from his eye, nodding as he leans into me.

Jace smiles, holding his hand out. "Guess that makes you the first gentleman."

Omari's giggle makes me smile as I look down at him. "Omari is fine. It's nice to meet you all." He shakes all my brothers' hands. "Thank you for coming to check on him. It means a lot."

"We've been here for hours and we're tired," I say. I pull my keys from my pocket. "Someone take my bike home. I'm gonna ride back with Mari and Little Raf."

Jace takes my keys and hand them to another brother. "This is prospect work," he grumbles.

"Not now, Jace," I warn, not in the mood to hear the same argument I've heard when I tell someone to do something they think is beneath them.

"You're right," he says quickly. "Sorry, Prez. Let's go y'all. If you need anything or to take a few days …"

It's on the tip of my tongue to tell him I'll be at the clubhouse tomorrow, but I do need to stay home with Omari and Little Raf. If for no other reason than to support Omari. "Yeah, thanks. Give me a couple days."

He nods and they take their leave. I walk my family out to the car, watching Omari as he buckles Little Raf in, paying close attention so I can do it myself one day.

I hold his hand tight in mine on the way home since Omari looks as if he'll break if he's not tethered to the present.

Once we're home and inside, Omari takes the baby into the nursery, changing him into pajamas. He looks over at me as he scoops the baby back up. "Is it crazy that I want to sleep in here with him to make sure he's okay?"

I shake my head, walking over to them. I wrap my arms around them both and Omari sighs, a soft sob breaking free. "No. But there's no room for me. Let's take him in my room." I tell him to go to my room and I push the crib out of the nursery. Once in my room, I arrange the crib on the side of the bed Omari sleeps on, away from the bedroom door. He lies Little Raf inside, staring at him for a few minutes before he lies down himself.

Gathering Omari in my arms, I hold him while more silent tears leak from his eyes. "I'm sorry for what I said," I apologize again. "You did nothing wrong. "

"Thank you," he whispers. "I'll try not to blame myself."

"You shouldn't." I sigh. "What are we going to do?"

"I'm going to call his doctor tomorrow," he says. "And we'll go from there."

I nod, kissing the top of his head. Hopefully, we can get some answers.

When Omari finally drops off to sleep, I stare at the ceiling, sending my thanks to whatever god allowed me the opportunity to work at being a better man for Little Raf and Omari. Now, I have to put my money where my mouth is and be better.