Chapter 8

Caleb

Faint rays of morning sunlight shone through the window as Caleb tried to orient himself the next morning. Suddenly, the events of the day before ran through his mind. He sat up and scrubbed his hands across his face.

Guilt reared its ugly head within his chest at the thought of having betrayed his wife by even entertaining the thought of marrying another, let alone going through with it. But deep down in his heart, he knew that Jessica would have wanted their children to have a mother, and for him to have someone to care for, and someone to care for him.

But knowing those things sure didn't make it any easier.

Alone, he knelt by his bed and prayed that God could forgive him, and that Jessica could forgive him for making this choice, even though he felt it was the only choice he could make.

But now that the choice was made, he was determined to make the best of it.

After he finished his morning prayers, he poured water into the porcelain basin—white with a blue pattern across it—and slipped on his pants, leaving his chest and his feet bare like he did every morning. The cool morning air felt good against his skin.

He headed past the children where they were still in their beds, sleeping soundly. He stood in the doorway for a moment, watching them sleep, knowing things were just as hard on them as it was on him.

Caleb headed into the living room and placed another log on the fire. Warmth immediately filled the room. The fresh scent of coffee wafted through the house. He was surprised that Mia was up and about so early.

"Good morning," she said, handing him a cup of coffee as he walked into the kitchen.

Even though he knew she would be there, her presence in his house still took him by surprise. "Good morning. What got you up so early?" He leaned against the counter as he took a sip. "Umm… good coffee."

A small smile lit her lips as her eyes went from his face to his bare chest. Then, she quickly looked away, turning her attention back to the bacon that she was frying on the stove. "I'm an early riser. I can get a lot of work done if I get up early. The earlier, the better."

He looked around the kitchen and everything was in place. The dishes were washed and put away, the counters were clean, and the kitchen table had been cleared off and was set with breakfast dishes. "From the look of it, you must have gotten up pretty early."

She glanced over at him and smiled, and then her eyes went to his bare chest again. "Not that early. I've been up for a few hours."

"Looks like it. And I thought that I got up early." He smiled as he set down his coffee. "I'll be right back."

Caleb walked into the bedroom and pulled on a clean shirt, then headed back into the kitchen again where Mia was putting breakfast on the table. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again," he said, referring to him walking around the house without a shirt.

Her eyes met his. "No, it's all right. Don't worry."

"Can I do anything to help?" he asked as he took another sip of his coffee, watching her work. It felt good to watch a woman work in the kitchen again. Then he turned away as guilt filled his chest, unable to believe that his thoughts had betrayed him like that.

Mia shook her head. "No, thanks. I have everything under control. Go ahead and sit down while I put breakfast on the table."

Caleb's thoughts went to the night before. "Listen, Mia. I'm sorry about what I said the other night… about you disciplining the children."

She shook her head as she scrambled the eggs. "It doesn't matter."

Caleb placed his hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look at him. "Yes, it does matter." He thought for a moment as he looked into her bright green eyes. "You were right. If I handle everything with the children, then they won't respect you." He let out a deep breath. "Please, be patient with me. I've been protective of the kids for so long… I'm not used to anyone else taking charge with them…."

"Shh…." Mia pressed her finger gently to his lips, sending shivers over his body. "It's okay. It'll work out." She bit her lower lip and released it. "But there is one thing that I want to speak with you about."

"Oh?" His eyebrows rose. "And what's that?"

She let out a deep breath. "I've been on my own for some time now, and I'm not used to being told what to do. In fact, I never liked it. So, if you don't mind, please ask if you want me to do something, but don't order me. Also, ask me what I want and don't order for me."

Anger filled his chest, but he nodded. Clearly, this woman wasn't Jessica, and he couldn't expect her to be. "Anything else?"

She let out a deep breath, her eyes meeting his. "Shane."

He nodded. "I'll talk to him today. I can't believe he acted that way in Laramie. He never does."

"I'm an outsider, coming in and invading his territory." She shrugged as she set a plate of toast on the table and turned to face him. "He's just being loyal… to his mother."

Guilt caused a lump to form in his throat. Caleb was tired of feeling guilty. Feeling guilty for not being able to handle the children, his congregation, and the farm all on his own. Feeling guilty for not having taken care of Jessica better. Feeling guilty for taking a wife out of survival.

But it was either that or lose everything… including his children, and that was out of the question. He would do anything for them, including giving his own life.

Caleb's eyebrows pulled together in concern as he watched her place the bowl of scrambled eggs on the table. And now, guilt raised up within him for having feelings for another woman. Even if he was legally married to Mia, he was still married to Jessica in his heart.

He pushed the thought aside, remembering his promise to try and make the best of it. "Everything looks great. Thank you, Mia."

She shrugged as she spooned scrambled eggs onto her plate. "It was my pleasure. I'll try and see if I can get the house in order today."

Caleb nodded as he took a bite of his bacon. "Sounds good." He thought for a moment, and then added, "Mia, I hate to leave you alone on your first day here, but I have to visit some parishioners. I'm behind on my visits. Will you be okay with the kids and the house?"

She nodded. "Yes, of course. Also, I was thinking that if we needed extra money, I could take in some sewing… maybe even sew for the dress shop."

Caleb shook his head. "That's not necessary. Let's just take it a day at a time for now."

She nodded, giving him a small smile.

From her reaction, Caleb thought that she might like to work. After all, she was used to working and providing for herself all this time. He suspected that it might be difficult for her to get used to having a man to care for her. But, for now, he just wanted some normalcy to his life again.

"Is there anything else you'd like me to do today? Anything pressing?" she asked casually, bringing him from his reverie as she nibbled on a slice of toast.

Caleb shook his head. "No, I was just going to ask if you could get the house in order and take care of the children, but it looks as if you have everything under control."

She nodded as she took another sip of her coffee.

"By the way, there's plenty of food in the pantry," Caleb continued. "And if you feel up to it, there are plenty of chickens out back in the henhouse."

Mia nearly spit out her coffee. "You want me to… kill a chicken?"

He shrugged, not understanding what the problem was. "Didn't you kill chickens back east?"

She laughed. "No, we went to the meat market."

Caleb frowned as he got up and placed his plate in the sink. That was all he needed, a frail woman who couldn't kill a chicken. After all, it wasn't as if he had just asked her to kill a cow. "Don't worry. The men and I slaughter the pigs and cows in the summer."

Her eyes flew open wide. "How many do you kill?"

He shrugged. "One cow and one pig per family. Then, we cure the meat, smoke it, and it lasts all winter. The rest, we sell."

Mia's body went rigid. "And what part will I play in that?"

Caleb sighed. "Well, usually the women help out in the kitchen and with curing the meat. It's actually a lot of fun. A community affair." Taking in the frown on her face, he added, "Here in the country, we all pull together. We wouldn't be able to survive otherwise."

She nodded as she pushed her plate aside.

Caleb shook his head, knowing that she had lost her appetite. He poured himself another cup of coffee to take with him. It was too good to let go to waste. "Have a good day."

"Shall I expect you home for lunch?" Mia asked, raising her eyebrows.

Caleb hated seeing the hopeful look in her eyes. He didn't want her to show interest in him. To care for him. Just caring for the children would be enough.

"No." He put on his cowboy hat and slipped on his heavy coat. "One of the parishioners usually asks me to stay for lunch."

A disappointed look appeared in her eyes, and then it was gone.

Now, he felt guilty for not allowing himself to care for Mia. But wasn't providing a roof over her head and food in her stomach enough? Many women would love to stay at home and care for the children while the man worked. He gave her a nod, silently telling her goodbye.

"What time shall I expect you home for dinner?" she asked, hopeful.

He placed his hand on the door but didn't look at her. "I won't be back home until later tonight." Then a thought occurred to him as he looked in her direction but didn't look in her eyes. "Will you be okay with the children alone all day?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her nod. "We'll be fine."

He nodded as he walked out, closing the door tightly behind him.

As he hitched up the team, his thoughts went back to Mia. He could tell that she was a loving, caring person, and he knew that, one day, just caring for the children wouldn't be enough. A woman like that needed someone to care for her, too. But he just didn't have it in him. That part of him lay dormant, having died right along with Jessica.

At least he would be able to make his rounds without feeling guilty for leaving the children in the care of a neighbor. For that peace of mind alone, Mia was worth her weight in gold. At least that was something.