36. Cole

The sun was settingas I crossed the Bay Bridge back into the city. I'd worked a twelve-hour day and hadn't slept a wink the night before in the armchair while Lindsay slept on the couch. But for some reason, I wasn't tired. I was wide awake. Buzzing almost.

All day, I'd kept checking my phone to see if Bailey had called or texted. Logically, I knew that was not going to happen. Emotionally, I had hoped that it would. I couldn't explain it. Just like I couldn't explain that this morning when I left for work, I'd had the strangest feeling I was going to see her. When I walked to my truck, I'd half expected her to be standing beside it, but, of course, she hadn't been.

I wish now that I hadn't left without talking to her. Although if she still loved Simon, which I assume she did since I hadn't heard from her, then nothing I could have said or done would have made a difference.

But what if it did?the tiny voice in the back of my head kept telling me.

Lindsay had spent the past three years being miserable and living in regret for her actions. I did not want to do the same. A part of me did feel bad that Lindsay had been so upset. As much as I'd wanted to comfort her, I was glad I hadn't because there was a good chance she would have interpreted it the wrong way.

This morning, when Lindsay kissed me, it was a kiss goodbye. She knew it was over. I could see in her eyes that she had the closure she needed.

Today, I realized that if there was any relationship I needed closure for, it was with Bailey, not Lindsay. Which was ridiculous since we were never together.

After pulling into the garage behind my building, I walked up the street and pulled my phone out, checking again to see if I'd missed a call or text from Bailey. It was becoming a nervous tick. At work, the guys were all concerned something had happened with Sara because the only time I had ever been that stressed about my phone was when she was in the hospital.

My entire body was deflated when I saw there were no missed calls or texts.

"Hey there!"

I lifted my head as I went up the front steps of the building and saw Arthur smiling and waving from his fire escape.

"How was your wine-tasting weekend?"

"It was good."

Too good. So good I was acting like a preteen girl who had a crush. That wasn't a stereotype. I was literally acting like Carly and her friends whenever they were crushing on a boy. Checking their phones every few minutes, obsessing and dissecting every look, and every word they'd spoken to each other. I was doing all that just to myself in my own head. I was close to Jimmy, Finn, and Eric, but, unlike Carly and her friends, we were not The Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants close.

Arthur leaned on the railing and looked down from his sixth-story window. "Your girl came by, ya know?"

Bailey. She'd been here?

"She did?" I pulled out my phone to see if I'd missed a text from her, which was the definition of insanity since I'd just checked it seconds before and yet expected a different result.

"Yep, last night. I let her into the building."

Oh, right. He was talking about Lindsay.

"I think she might have had a few too many to drink." He mimed, tipping a glass back.

"Yeah," I confirmed.

"You two gonna get back together?" He returned to leaning on the railing.

"Nope."

"Good." He nodded. "Never liked her much."

I stood staring up at him in shock. Everyone loved Lindsay, so it surprised me that he hadn't.

"That blonde, though, Bliss's granddaughter, I like her."

Yeah, I liked her, too. A lot, I thought to myself. I fucking loved her.

"She's a keeper." With that sage wisdom, Arthur went back inside his apartment.

Somehow, hearing Arthur tell me how great Bailey was only made me feel worse about the situation. By the time I made it up to my apartment, all I wanted to do was take a shower, lay down on the couch, put a blanket over my head, and not speak to anyone the rest of the night.

When I opened the front door, I saw that my perfect night was not going to be happening. Carly was on the couch with her laptop, which meant the boys must be at their friend Jeremiah's. When the twins were home, she stayed holed up in her room.

"Hey, Carly Poppins," I greeted her as I kicked off my work boots and tried to summon the energy to be in a pleasant mood.

"Are you getting back together with Lindsay?" she asked.

Wow. She did not mess around with small talk; she got right to the point. It reminded me of Bailey's older sister, Billie. I liked Billie. She did not tolerate B.S. It was refreshing to be around.

"Why?" I asked.

She shrugged.

"No." I shook my head. "I'm not."

"You're not?" she double-checked.

"No."

"Because she cheated on you?"

"How do you know?—"

"I was listening last night in the hallway," she stated as if it were obvious.

Fuck. I really needed to get a bigger place.

Even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I lowered down on the couch and figured I might as well face this conversation head-on. I'd found that was the best way to handle situations I wanted to avoid. Putting off things I didn't want to do only made me miserable, knowing they were out in front of me.

"So, is that why you're not getting back together, because of Frankie?"

Damn, she even knew his name. "No. That's not why we're not getting back together. It doesn't help, but it's not the reason."

"What is?"

"Why are you so interested?"

She shook her head slightly as her eyes widened and her hands flew up in the air. It was the universal preteen gesture for, "I don't know, why are you so lame?"

"Lindsay made some mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. But it was how she behaved after those mistakes that was a deal breaker for me. Instead of talking to me and being honest with me about how she was feeling, she just left. I know we were young, but I can't be with someone who I don't trust."

"So communication, honesty, and trust…those are important to you?"

"I think they're important to everyone." Or they should be.

"So, what did you like about Lindsay? I mean, what made you want her to be your girlfriend?"

I thought back to when I met her. "She was sweet. And funny. And she was really good at Halo."

At twelve, that was a big deal. A girl who not only played a first-person shooter game but kicked ass at it had been impressive.

"So you want to be with someone who plays video games," she said as if she were confirming the information I'd just given her.

"Not now. But then I did. We met when we were twelve."

"You and Lindsay got together when you were twelve?" Carly shrieked.

"Yeah."

"How did I not know that?"

"Probably because you weren't born yet."

She shook her head as if me and Lindsay meeting so young was a mindblower, which maybe it was. "So, what are you looking for now?"

I'm not looking for anyone. I found her. Bailey.

"What's with the twenty questions?"

Carly's nose wiggled like Samantha on Bewitched. It was her ‘tell' that whatever was about to come out of her mouth was a lie. She'd done it since she was a toddler. "It's for a school project. I need to interview people."

Sara and I had both agreed not to let my niece in on the fact that we knew when she was lying. We felt it was better for us if she didn't know we were on to her. This way, when she got into her teen years, we'd have an insight into things she was being dishonest about. We weren't there yet, but she was a year away and still none the wiser.

I'd take that as a parenting win.

"Okay, shoot." I played along.

"What are you looking for now?" she repeated impatiently, as if I should have already known that was the question.

"I'm not looking for anyone now."

She closed her eyes as she sighed. "Fine. But if you were, in an alternate universe, looking for a partner, what would you look for?"

"Someone who is hardworking, loves family, is sweet, kind, nurturing, funny, makes me feel safe, and who I know will be there through good and bad times." I heard myself describing Bailey. Except for the good and bad times trait; I didn't have proof of that. But she'd been loyal to Simon for over twenty years, through more bad than good times, so considering her track record, I figured it was a pretty good possibility.

"Okay, good." Carly typed on her computer as she nodded. "What else? Like what color hair, eyes."

"I mean, it doesn't really matter."

"Oh, right. Why do I always forget that you live in a black-and-white movie?"

When Carly was young, that's how I described what I saw to her. I showed her black-and-white movies. I told her that's what my world was like. And it had been, until Bailey. She brought color back into it.

"Okay, what about age?" Carly looked up from her screen.

"Age?"

"Yeah, what age range would you date?"

"This is for a school project?" I questioned.

She bit her lip, and I could see her considering her options. Was she going to come clean or continue this charade? When she rolled her eyes, I knew that she'd resolved herself to tell the truth.

"Fiiiiiine," she drew out the word dramatically. "It's for a dating profile."

"A dating profile?"

"Yes."

"I don't need a dating profile."

"Yes, you do."

"No. I don't, and you can't just fill out a profile for me. What were you going to do if I actually matched with someone?"

"Well, obviously, then I'd tell you so you could go on a date."

I was glad I found out at this stage in the process so I could nip it in the bud. I'd hate it if someone else got dragged into my niece's scheme. "You can't do that."

"Um…" Her brow furrowed, and she tilted her head, her expression clearly communicating that she thought I was an idiot. "Yes, I can. I didn't think I needed a big sister, but mom thought I did, so she filled everything out behind my back, and you told me I should meet her."

Fuck. I hated it when she threw my own words or actions back at me. This was the part of parenting that would be a hell of a lot easier if I could just go with do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do.

"Listen, C Money, I really appreciate you taking the time to try and do something nice for me, but I really don't want to date anyone right now."

"Why not?"

I thought about lying to her, telling her that I just wanted to be single, but she was getting too smart for that. I could tell her the same thing I'd told Bailey: that I wasn't in the right headspace for a relationship. I could say the same thing I'd been telling myself for the past few years: that there was no room in my life to have a girlfriend.

As I sat with my niece, I knew none of those things were true. They might have been at one point, but not anymore.

"Because there is someone that I care about right now. It wouldn't be fair to another person when I have feelings for someone else."

"Who? Who is she?" Her eyes widened, and she gasped. "Is she the wedding planner?!"

"How do you know about the wedding planner?"

"You went away with her for the weekend, duh."

Right. Of course.

I didn't see any reason to deny it. "Yes."

"So you have a girlfriend!"

"No. I don't."

"Why not?"

I shook my head, not sure how to explain it.

"Does she know how you feel about her?" she questioned.

"I don't know." To me, my feelings for Bailey were glaringly obvious. But I couldn't say for sure that she'd picked up on them.

"What do you mean, you don't know? Have you told her?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated."

"Adults always say that, but, no, it's not. If you love her, you should tell her. What is so complicated about that?"

Before I had the chance to respond, Carly's phone rang. When she saw who was calling, she jumped off the couch, ran into her room, and slammed the door before answering it. I sat staring at the place that my niece had just vacated and where Lindsay had been the night before.

Was Carly right?

Was I making this more complicated than it needed to be?

Wasn't that exactly what Lindsay had done? She'd been scared to talk to me when we were together, and then she ended up bottling it up, cheating on me, running away, and spending three years wracked with guilt.

Maybe I should go talk to Bailey.

Thank you. I heard those two words echo in my brain.

No. Carly was wrong. This was complicated. She'd thanked me for her ex showing up, and she hadn't contacted me since. Whatever I felt for Bailey, there was really only one thing to do. Get over it.