Chapter 41

After dessert and coffee, my parents had to get the last train back to Surrey, and Noah's father hailed a taxi to take him to his hotel, inviting me and Noah to have brunch with him there tomorrow, which we agreed to.

Noah took my hand as we walked back to my flat in silence, both of us absorbing the evening.

‘How do you feel?' I asked Noah eventually.

‘Like maybe we have turned a corner?' Noah said hesitantly. ‘I guess I understand my dad more now.' He sighed. ‘After my mum died, I really wondered what had brought my parents together. I couldn't fathom how my mother fell in love with my dad, you know?'

I nodded. I hadn't known Noah's mother but his father did sound very different to the picture he painted of her.

‘They seemed so different and my dad worked so much, I assumed that was because things weren't great between them,' Noah continued. ‘But when I went to New York after she became ill, I sometimes saw these sweet moments between them when they thought I wasn't around.'

‘He seemed to have really loved her,' I agreed after hearing how he had spoken about her at dinner.

‘Dad told me he lost sight of what really mattered and he was furious with himself for doing that and only realising when it was too late. He said he didn't blame me for Mum being ill or for me trying to make my own way; he said he blamed himself for pushing me away and for not remembering that my mum was the love of his life.'

‘I'm glad you're opening up to one another now,' I said. ‘I'm sure your mum knew how much he loved her.'

‘She did but he still thinks he let her down. He said reading my email made him see he'd become someone so different to the man who had married my mum and started the publishing company years ago.'

‘I think your mum would be really proud of you both,' I said.

Noah lifted our hands and kissed the back of mine. ‘I'm so glad I told her about you. She knew before I did, it seems, that we were meant to be. I wish I'd gone to your parents that day and asked them to tell you I wanted to see you.'

I shook my head. ‘I wasn't ready to hear that then. I needed to know what I wanted from life before I was ready. I spent a long time learning about myself after you left, and I'm glad. Being single for so long sometimes made me feel lonely or got me down or made me worry I'd never find someone, but I wouldn't change it now for the world. I didn't love myself when you left me, I didn't know what I wanted apart from you, and I was sometimes ashamed of the things I loved or wanted.'

‘Stevie…'

‘I'm not now,' I assured him. ‘I know who I am. I love what I love. And as you saw with Bitten, I'll fight for them all.'

He chuckled in agreement.

‘But maybe if we'd stayed together, I wouldn't have that. And you… I know I said you're different now and I made you feel like that was a bad thing but you're different in a good way too.'

We reached my building then.

‘Do you want to come in?' I asked as we stopped outside.

He smiled and squeezed my hand. ‘I'd love to. I want to see your home, Stevie.'

I let us in and we walked up to my door. I unlocked it and stood back, letting Noah walk inside before following him and closing the world out.

‘You were so desperate to succeed when we met, so focused on your career,' I said, picking up our outside conversation as he looked around my flat, ‘and – I realised later on – so focused on proving yourself to your father. You were so worried about what people thought of you because you didn't want to be seen as benefitting from nepotism but it meant you did what you thought you should, not what you wanted. And yes, I told you off for being grumpy because I didn't know what you'd been through when we were apart, but I also thought you were trying even harder to protect yourself from what people thought, and to prove yourself worthy of your job. And I didn't like that. But it was all a front.'

‘Yeah?' Noah turned to look at me.

‘Your emails.' I stepped over to him. ‘So open and honest and vulnerable. Something you never were when we were together. You didn't think you deserved love before but now I think you know you do, and you want it and you want to give that love right back. You know life is short and regrets are long. And that's made you want to go after everything you want no matter what people think of you. Am I right?'

‘Fuck, Stevie.' Noah took my hand. ‘You've guessed, haven't you?'

‘I'd love to hear it from you though.'

Noah nodded. ‘Shall we sit?' He kept my hand in his as we sat down on my sofa. ‘And by the way, this place is so you; I love it. Apart from the lack of space for all your books.'

I sighed. ‘I know, right?' I said softly. I leaned back against the sofa and tucked my legs under me. I kept my hands in his as Noah twisted to face me, crossing one leg over the other. ‘Tell me,' I whispered encouragingly.

‘You're right about all of it. I've spent far too long trying to make sure people didn't think I was riding on the coattails of my father, being ashamed of my family's success and money, trying to not be an entitled twat. But that made me push my family away, hiding behind my mother's maiden name in another country. When Mum became ill, I knew I'd focused on the wrong things. I'd hidden who I really was from the woman I loved…' He smiled and I knew he meant me. ‘Because I was ashamed of who I was. These five years without you, I've learnt about who I am and what I want but I've still been too scared to embrace it. Seeing you again has meant everything. I don't want to waste another minute. I want to be who I am, to do what I want to do and be with who I want to be with. When my mum was near the end, she asked me to stay and look after my dad, to keep working for the company and be there for my dad because she knew he wouldn't cope.'

Noah took a breath and I stroked the top of his hand with my fingertips.

‘That's what I've done for a year even though I've been miserable. And so has he. Until I saw you again. And it felt like this fog lifted and I could see again clearly what I wanted for my life. You. And to have my dad as my family only, and not as my boss.'

I'd had a feeling about that. Noah wasn't happy working for his father. I wasn't sure he'd ever been. But he'd felt guilty. He'd done what he thought was his duty, what his mother wanted, what he should do. Not what he wanted to.

‘I could see you weren't happy,' I said softly.

‘I know you could. Calling me a dick was an indicator.'

‘Now I feel really bad!'

‘You never have to feel bad,' he said quickly. ‘It was a wake-up call. You shone a torch on me and I wanted to think you were wrong but I knew you weren't. I think me getting sick with that flu was a turning point. It forced me to rest and start thinking, when for the past year since my mum died, I hadn't let myself think. I thought about what I wanted again. And you. And when you turned up to help me, I knew that I couldn't go back to my old life. I didn't want to. The way you were at work, so passionate, I knew it was your dream but I couldn't say the same for myself. I love books. I always have, always will. But publishing, working for my father, it isn't my future.'

‘Have you told him?'

Noah nodded. ‘I told him what my mum said, what I promised her…' He swallowed hard. I could only imagine how hard it was to talk about his mother. ‘He asked me if I was really sure that was what she had asked of me.'

‘It wasn't?'

‘I suppose I read between the lines too much. What she had said was, "You'll always be there for your father when I'm gone, won't you? You'll be there for each other. Promise me."'

I squeezed his hand. ‘You thought she meant to stay working with him.'

‘I think my brain just went there after feeling guilty for not being in New York before she got sick, for turning my back on the family business, but it never was. It's my father's company. And working together hasn't been good for our relationship. She wanted us to be there for one another but we haven't been. All we've done is talk about work. So, I want that to stop. For us to be father and son again, and not work together.' Noah paused. ‘And I thought about what, apart from seeing you again, has made me happy in recent times. And it was buying the Book Nook.'

I smiled. ‘It's a special place. I love that you bought it.'

‘Georgina handed in her notice last week.'

‘Ah.' I understood then.

‘She's moving to be with her girlfriend in Manchester. I've decided to take over running the bookshop. Maybe even try to have a chain of them one day. What do you think?'

‘I think if that's what you want then that's amazing. You'll be brilliant at whatever you do. But most importantly, I want you to be happy. Will that make you happy?'

‘It'll probably make me less money…' Noah grinned. ‘But yes. I want to get excited about discovering books again. I want to recommended books to people. I want to have authors in the shop. I want to be the first to promote the next great novel. I want to give someone what will be their favourite book. I want to create a must-visit place for anyone coming to London who loves books.'

‘I know you will.'

‘And I want you to stay at Turn the Pages and one day, run the place.'

I laughed. ‘I don't know about that but I'll stay,' I said. ‘I'm starting to really love it. But are you sure this isn't all because you don't want to be my boss any more?' I asked with a smile.

‘I'd be anything you want me to be but I'm hoping instead of your boss, I can be your boyfriend instead?'