Chapter 36

We slipped into a stressed silence. I could hear the London traffic outside. But it all felt very far away. Noah felt very far away.

I forced my feet into action, walking over to Noah and laying a hand on his shoulder as he sank down onto the sofa.

‘Can you talk to him?'

‘What's the point? You saw just now; he doesn't want to listen. He hasn't been the same since Mum…' He swallowed hard. ‘Stevie, how can I get through to him? He never wants to talk about her, about us, about things. And I know that what he just said isn't about Bitten or what we did; it's about him blaming me for what happened to my mother.'

‘I just don't understand how he could possibly blame you for that. As soon as you knew she was ill, you went to New York to be there for them both.' I bit my lip, hating to see Noah so upset and lost. I was used to my easy relationship with my own parents. They were always there if I needed them. I knew I had their support. It must be awful to not have that certainty. Then I had an idea. ‘Your emails!'

Noah looked at me as I sat down beside him. ‘What do you mean?'

‘Your emails were beautiful, the ones you sent to me. You spoke so honestly and poured out your heart in them. Why don't you write to your father?'

‘I couldn't. We don't talk about our feelings like that.'

‘Exactly,' I said, touching his hand. ‘And that's what needs to change. Put work aside for a moment; you need to fix what's broken between you, otherwise you'll lose each other forever. And if it doesn't work then at least you will know you tried. Your mum wouldn't want this rift to get bigger, would she? She would tell you to try to reach your father, right?'

Noah nodded. ‘She would hate for us to be this estranged. Do you really think he would read it?'

‘All you can do is try.'

Noah reached for me and pulled me to meet his lips, giving me the sweetest kiss. ‘You are amazing.'

‘I don't know about that; your father is blaming me for ruining the company. While you write the email, I'll post everywhere that it's publication day for Bitten and I'll get ready for work. Even if I'm banned from the office.'

I shuddered at the thought. Noah gave me one more kiss then opened his laptop and I hurried into his room to have a shower and try to make myself look presentable – not that I hadn't been home all night.

Once I was ready, wearing Noah's shirt tied at the waist with one of his belts to look like a dress, my hair in a sleek ponytail and all the makeup I had in my handbag helping a little bit, I made us both a coffee. Noah was concentrating on his email so I went back to the kitchen, leaned against the counter and jumped on social media to share the publication day news.

Then I checked Amazon. The book was higher in the charts but nowhere near the top 100 yet. The book would be in bookshops today and all those sales would count towards the official bestseller list but Amazon was a good indication of how well it was doing so far, and it wasn't great. I sighed at my phone as if it was the one with the problem.

And then it rang.

I smiled to see it was Liv. Talking to her always made me feel better.

‘Morning!'

‘We have so much to talk about,' she said, sounding like she was walking.

‘Where are you?'

‘Walking to the library but Jamal is coming in later so I can come and see you and celebrate.'

‘Celebrate what?' I asked, wondering if she meant Bitten's release day or me staying at Noah's last night. The high from all of that had been put out swiftly by his father.

‘You haven't seen? I thought you'd be on TikTok as its publication day. Go on there now,' Liv said impatiently.

‘Yes, bossy boots.' I rolled my eyes, put her on speakerphone then opened up the app. ‘What am I looking for? Oh.' I didn't need to search because I'd been tagged in it by Dan, Liv, Deborah and basically anyone who knew me. I opened the video. It was by a huge book influencer. Her account had millions of followers and not only had she shared a video of her holding a copy of Bitten, but she was raving about it.

‘Any author who organises a rally supporting romance books gets a thumbs up from me but then Deborah Day goes and writes the best romance I've read so far this year. Yeah, I said it. Bitten is the book you all need to read. But Marcus is my book boyfriend, okay? Keep your hands off him, guys!'

‘Oh my God,' I said, re-watching it immediately. It had thousands of views, comments, likes and shares. My breath caught in my throat. ‘This is it. This is what we needed.'

‘I told you we had to celebrate,' Liv said. ‘The book will be huge now, I know it! Okay, call me and tell me where to meet you at lunch time. And don't think I haven't forgotten to grill you about what happened with you and Noah last night…'

I grinned. ‘I'd expect nothing less.'

We hung up and, my heart pounding, I shared the video on all the company's accounts. Then I walked through to see Noah.

‘How is it going?' I gestured to his laptop.

‘Will you read it before I send it to him? While I get ready for work?'

‘Of course.' I wished I could fix this for him. As he got up, I looked at the screen and read Noah's email.

Dad,

I have no idea how to reach you any more so I'm trying it in writing. This idea came from Stevie. The woman you were just incredibly rude to in my flat. The woman that I love. I wrote emails to her in New York. She was the woman I left when you told me that Mum was ill. I broke up with her because you told me that my mum being ill was my fault and you blaming me made me feel like I didn't deserve her. I'm not sure I deserve her even now but she's made me realise that you blaming me for my mum was your way of trying to make sense of it.

And maybe it was because you actually blamed yourself, because if I was too focused on work then I learnt it from you. All my life, you wanted me to come out of your shadow and prove myself like you did with your own father and that pushed me to the UK. Pushed me to work in London and try to make my own way with my own name. I didn't want to work for the family business because I didn't think I'd ever feel good enough. I suppose I've never felt good enough. So when you told me that everything was my fault, I accepted it. I believed it. I left Stevie because I thought she should be with someone better.

My mum never blamed me. She hated to see us at loggerheads. She begged me to stay working with you after she was gone. Said you needed me. And I promised her, but what you said just now means I can't keep that promise. You are punishing everyone around you for her death. And that's not fair, and it isn't right. My mum accepted me for who I am and loved me. She was happy I came home but she knew I'd left my heart in London. She told me that she had always loved you and I should try to find someone I loved as much. But when she died, I felt too guilty to do that. And then when you pushed me to take over Turn the Pages, Stevie was suddenly back in my life. And I sent her the emails I'd written in New York so she would know I never stopped loving her. Only now do I feel like I might deserve her. That I want to try to deserve her.

Seeing you disrespect Stevie this morning has made me realise I've kept quiet too long. That I haven't tried to talk to you because I've been too scared to hear what you would say. I didn't want you to tell me it was my fault my mum died because part of me believed it was. But I can see now it wasn't. Cancer sucks. It fucking sucks. She didn't deserve to be taken from us like that. But I sure as hell know she would hate to see us like this. She loved you and she loved me. So why we can't love each other?

If you still blame me then I will walk away because I can't deal with this any more. I can't do any more than I'm doing to earn your approval or love. I'm tired, Dad. I miss Mum so much. It hurts every day and this thing between us is just making it even worse.

I want us to have a relationship but I can't keep banging my head against the wall. I can't keep blaming myself or hating myself. I really hope one day you might be able to stop too.

Noah.

Tears were streaming down my face at Noah's words. At how desperate he was for his dad to forgive him and love him. That he didn't think he deserved to be loved but he wanted to try to be enough.

I got up and found him in his room getting dressed and our eyes met in his mirror.

‘That email… Noah.'

‘You're crying. Shit.' He turned and came over to me, taking my hands in his. ‘Why are you crying?'

‘Of course you deserve love, Noah. I love you.'

His breath hitched as he reached out to wipe a tear from my cheek. ‘You don't need to say that, Stevie. I just wanted to tell my father that you're important. And I'm glad you know it too. That's enough.'

‘I love you, Noah.'

He looked into my eyes and his lips curved into a smile. ‘You do? Really? Even after everything I put you through?'

‘Honestly, I'm not sure I ever really stopped.'

Noah pulled me closer. ‘I never stopped loving you. You were with me every second in New York. You always had my heart. I love you so much and I will never hurt you again.' He kissed me gently. ‘Please stop crying though,' he added, wiping another tear. ‘I hate myself for every tear I made you shed.'

I gazed at him through my tears. ‘Your words are so honest and beautiful. That's why I'm crying. Send that email, Noah. If your father doesn't respond to that then you should walk away from him. You deserve better.'

Noah grabbed his phone from the bed.

‘Done,' he said as he typed. ‘So, now what? I don't want to go in to work and hear him tell the board we need to sack everyone. And I definitely don't want to go anywhere without you.'

‘Let's set up a portable work station in Starbucks. Liv said we should celebrate Bitten and I think she's right. Look.' I held up my phone for him to see, a smile taking over the tears. ‘We finally have good news.'

Noah whistled as he watched the video. ‘So many TikTok viral books have started from that account.'

I checked my phone again. ‘It's already climbing on Amazon. A lot.'

Noah looked. ‘Bloody hell, Stevie, that's amazing.'

‘We could actually do this.'

‘I never doubted it.'

‘Yeah, right,' I said with a laugh.

‘Well, I never doubted you.' He reached for me and gave me a tight hug. ‘Let's get everyone to Starbucks to celebrate. It doesn't matter what my dad does; we need to mark this occasion. Our first book together and it's going to be a hit.'

‘Okay.' I pulled back. ‘I'll message everyone. You're right. No matter what happens next, we pulled it off.'

We grinned stupidly at one another. We should have been terrified at what Mr Matthews was threatening but somehow, it felt like things might be okay because now we had each other. And this time, I really hoped it would be for keeps.