Chapter 23

Stevie,

I don't know why I'm still writing to you. Maybe it's like a diary. It gives me comfort. It's been four years since I saw you and I thought I wouldn't write any more. I decided that I was finally over you and I was going to look to the future without us.

But yesterday, my mum died. It's been a horrible illness. I've watched the light leave her slowly and painfully. And I've fucking hated every minute of it. But being here and being with her, that's a decision I'll never regret. She needed me. And I needed her. We've had so much time together. I'll always be grateful for that. Even if she kept telling me I was working too much. Or that I was crazy to let you go. I know these things are true.

I feel relief that she's at peace now. But I'll miss her. And I feel… adrift. Like I lost my purpose, maybe? And so helpless. My father isn't coping but is pretending it's all business as usual. He feels unreachable. I know you'd tell me to talk to him. But we just don't have that relationship you have with your parents. I wish we did. I wish I could tell him how I feel and for him to tell me how he feels in return.

What I do know is my parents loved each other more than maybe I even realised. I saw it this last week they were together. And it's made me want that more than I ever have before. Stevie, this is my last email because writing to you when you can't read these letters or write back is making it even harder for me to think about finding that with someone else.

I hope you are happy. I hope you found love. I hope you're like a character in one of those romance books you loved, and which by the way I'm now hooked on too, and you got your happy ever after.

Goodbye Stevie.

I'm going to try to find mine.

‘No.' The word flew out of my lips automatically.

I shook my head. No? What was I saying? What was I thinking?

My feet turned towards the office. I had to see Noah. I had to talk to him. That last email. I was gripped by the fear that Noah would find his happy ending with someone else. It was crazy to think that, wasn't it? But I couldn't help it. There had to be a reason that neither of us moved on. There had to be a reason that we'd met again.

A tall, dark-haired man in glasses walked past me, head down, the collar of his dark coat pulled up. I did a double take.

‘Noah!' I called, pushing through people to get to him. He turned towards the river path and I caught up with him there. ‘Wait!'

Breathlessly, I laid a hand on his arm.

‘Stevie?' He looked for a moment pleased to see me but then his eyes turned hard. ‘I was trying to find you but Emily said you were meeting with Ed Thomas. Were you having a job interview?'

‘No, I wanted to tell Ed about my new publicity idea for Bitten.'

‘And not me?' He looked hurt.

‘I thought you'd feel obligated to tell your father. And he'd stop me.'

We stared at one another. Noah shook his head. ‘I'm sorry, Stevie, you were right. I should have said more. You know I don't agree with him about romance books; they are important. They have been important to me. I want Bitten to do well, I really do.' He sighed. ‘Things are really complicated with my father.'

‘I understand. Noah, I read the last email you sent me.'

‘Oh.'

I gestured to the bench nearby. ‘Can we sit for a minute?'

I led the way and Noah trailed after me and we sat down together.

‘I'm so sorry about your mother,' I said, reaching out to squeeze his arm. ‘Why didn't you tell me?'

Noah looked at my hand. ‘I didn't want you to feel sorry for me; you shouldn't after what I did…' He trailed off and looked out at the river.

‘I feel so bad,' I said after a moment. ‘I yelled at you the other day about you and your father…'

Noah turned to me. ‘You were right to. I should have said more when we met with him. I want to say more to him. I disagree with him a lot but he's broken-hearted about my mum. We both are. And I think that he blames me still. For not being at home when she became ill. It's a mess.'

I saw a tear form in his eye. ‘Noah,' I said, reaching for him again. There was a hesitancy on both sides but then I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, his settled on my waist and we were embracing. ‘It must have been such a hard few years.'

‘I wished you were with me so many times but then I felt guilty for even thinking it after the way I ended things,' he whispered into my ear. ‘The only reason I went along with my dad and this takeover was so I'd be back in London again. The place I had been so happy in once.' He pulled back to look at me, his eyes glistening. ‘I'm a mess, Stevie. I was ill all weekend then there was the hellish meeting with my father. I shouldn't be putting more on you. But I don't know. Seeing you again has turned everything upside down.'

‘But you said in that last email that you were ready to move on,' I said quietly.

‘I was trying to convince myself. I thought I needed to let you go. And then you came back into my life.' He reached out and brushed back my hair. ‘I'll do better. I'll be better. I know that I'm not the man you fell in love with any more. I guess I've put up walls, pushed myself into work because of everything that happened with my family. I've been scared to open up to anyone because of how I ruined us. I wish I was like you. Look how I hurt you but you're still this bright spark.' He looked at me in wonder.

We were still wrapped around each other and my heart was thumping in my chest at his closeness. I watched his lips curve up just enough to show me his dimple. I couldn't stop myself. I touched it with my fingertips.

‘I missed that.'

He smiled fully. ‘Yeah?'

‘Yeah.' I pulled away though. It was all too much. I looked down at my hands as I folded them in my lap. ‘I can't believe you wrote me all those emails. I'm sorry I blocked you everywhere. I wish I had read them before now,' I said softly, my heart still pounding. ‘Your words were beautiful.'

‘Almost as soon as I got to New York, I knew I'd made a huge mistake. Everything was shit out there. My mum, work, my father… but nothing compared to the fact you weren't with me. And then as you know, I tried to contact you in every way I could think of, but I couldn't get through.'

‘I didn't want to hurt even more. Being in touch with you seemed just too much to even consider.'

‘I get it.' Noah turned back to me. Our legs were still touching. I wondered if he'd realised or not. ‘You were right to do whatever you needed. I'll never forget the look on your face when I walked away.' He shuddered. ‘It's haunted me for years.'

‘I wished you had told me the truth about why you had to go. I could have helped.'

‘I wished I had,' Noah said. ‘I don't know how to say how sorry I am. When my mum died last year…' His voice caught and I found myself touching his hand again. He looked down at our hands. ‘I was so lost. I am lost, Stevie. I want to be the man you loved again. No, I want to be better.'

‘Noah…'

He took my hand in his and lifted his eyes to meet mine. ‘Do you know how hard it is to be this close to you and not be able to kiss you?'

I looked at his lips and I knew what he meant. There was this cloud of longing enveloping us. But was it just the familiarity of what we'd once had or did it mean that spark had never died? God, I wanted it to be the second one but I was scared of that. So scared that Noah would hurt me again.

‘I want to but…' I whispered.

Noah let go of me. ‘Shit, Stevie. I shouldn't have said anything. I know I shouldn't say things like that to you. It's not fair after what I did.'

‘I did kiss you first,' I said, trying to lighten the mood. ‘A man buys a bookshop, you kiss them.'

‘I can't stop thinking about it,' Noah admitted.

‘You said it was a mistake,' I reminded him.

‘I don't want to hurt you again. God, when you walked into my flat when I was ill, I thought for a crazy, flu-ed up moment you had come home. Isn't that mad?' He put his head in his hands. ‘It's not the same without you there. After we met, it never was.'

How was he saying everything I wanted him to now? Five years too late. Or was it too late? My heart wanted it not to be but my head was telling my heart to shut the hell up.

‘Noah,' I said, and he lifted his head to look at me. ‘You're right. You are a mess. And you have fucked up. So, do something about it.'

‘I will,' he vowed. ‘And I'm going to start by helping you make Deborah Day's book a bestseller no matter what my father says.'

My whole body was attuned to his but I knew I wasn't ready to kiss him again. But maybe I would be soon. And maybe sounded pretty damn good right now.

‘Don't worry, I have a plan. You sure you want in on it?'

‘I've never been as sure of anything before,' Noah replied.