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Chapter 20

Noah finished speaking but I didn't know what to say. He looked at me and I stared back, unsure how to even make sense of what he'd just said. He had just rewritten our last day together in five minutes but that day, he had broken my heart. How was I meant to feel now he was telling me it was all because he thought he didn't deserve to be with me? Part of me longed to believe him, but part of me?—

‘Bullshit.' This time, I jumped up from the sofa before he could stop me. ‘You're really going with "it wasn't you, it was me"? You left me, Noah. You broke my heart. I've spent five years trying hard to get over you! You made me feel like I spent a year living in a dream. That I had been on my own in this. In our relationship. I loved you so much, but I thought you didn't love me. I was devastated when you left. And God, it's awful about your mum, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but you should have told me. If it's true that you left me just to be with her, then you should have told me. It wasn't fair of you to let me feel the way I felt.' My voice cracked. ‘I thought you didn't love me,' I repeated.

I sagged then, my chest heaving. I could feel the tears behind my eyes, and I really didn't want them to come out.

Noah looked up at me from the sofa. Suddenly, he seemed so small. ‘I fucked up. I completely fucked up.'

‘Yes, yes you did,' I said. ‘I think I should go.'

‘Please don't.'

‘I'm sorry but this is too much.'

He nodded once, showing he understood. That was a relief because I was sure that if he begged me, I wouldn't be able to leave.

‘You need to sleep anyway. Your father wants you in tomorrow. I have to be in work too. We need to rest. That's what we need.'

I nodded and hurried over to where my bag and jacket were.

‘Stevie, there's more.'

I flinched as I realised he'd followed me and was right behind me. ‘I don't think I can hear any more.'

‘That's fair.'

Turning around, clutching my things, I looked at Noah. He was completely miserable. I never wanted anyone to feel that way but what was I supposed to do here?

‘I need to think about what you've told me. But, Noah, whatever happened back then, however badly you handled it, it doesn't change the fact that you left me and we are over.' I shrugged. ‘I'm not sure if going over it all helps either of us. I've had to move on from the future I saw with you, and you've moved on too.'

I started to walk to the door, desperate to get away from him and all those feelings I had that were bubbling back up under the thick layer of skin I'd had to grow without him.

‘I get it, Stevie. I can't thank you enough for today. You are the kindest person. I just…' He walked past and held open the door for me. ‘You need to know though – I never moved on.'

‘What?' I stopped short.

‘I never moved on,' he said again, this time in the strongest voice I'd heard him use all day.

Fuck. Me.

‘There are more emails.'

‘More?'

‘I wrote you emails. Lots of them. It made me feel like you were still in my life even though you weren't.'

God, I wanted to see them but I also didn't think I should.

‘If you've moved on then I understand. I'll… accept it. But if not, please read them.' He pulled his phone out of his dressing gown pocket. ‘I'll send them to you. You can choose. I'll go to bed now. I'll see you at work. Thank you again.'

I made my feet pick themselves up and move for the door again.

‘I mean it. Thank you, Stevie.'

I moved past him and stepped into the corridor. I looked back as he smiled and closed the door. I stared at it for a full minute before I put my jacket on, slung my bag across me and got into the lift.

I hadn't caught Noah's flu but my head felt like it was stuffed with straw. I felt like I was mush. Like I could melt into a puddle on the floor and people would just step over me. I felt like I'd lifted up out of my body and was far up in the clouds just watching everything happening from above.

I pulled out my phone and saw Noah had sent what looked like about twenty emails. All sent to me from him in New York. And he said it was up to me whether I read them or not. If I had moved on, he'd understand.

But he hadn't.

He hadn't moved on.

Noah had floored me completely. I had no idea what to think or feel or say or do. All I wanted was to crawl into my bed, pull the covers over me, and sleep. So I went home and that's what I did, deciding that processing what had happened today could wait until the morning.

Until then, I wanted to exist only in my dreams.

I woke up feeling like I'd run a marathon. I rolled over in my bed as my alarm beeped at me and I sighed. What a day yesterday. Everything flooded back as I sat up and stretched. My whole body and head ached but it was from emotional tiredness. I climbed out of bed and put my slippers on and padded into my kitchen. It was still dark out but I didn't turn on the lights, sure they would hurt my eyes. I shuffled to the coffee machine knowing I needed a big cup before I could even think about getting ready.

Leaning against the counter as the coffee machine whirred, I ran through everything Noah had said to me in his flat. Perhaps he had been mildly delirious from his flu or just taking the chance of us being alone together, but he had been more honest than I could ever have expected him to be. What he said changed that whole final encounter we'd had when he'd told me he was moving to New York, and that we were over.

I picked up my coffee cup and sipped from it, enjoying the warmth. It was a chilly morning and I felt discombobulated. How was I meant to feel about what he said? I wasn't sure, but I did believe him. I had seen the truth in his eyes. He really had believed that walking away from me was the right thing to do. I didn't understand, I didn't agree, but that's what he had thought. I didn't know yet if it made me feel better.

There was some relief that maybe it meant he had really loved me once, it hadn't been pretend or some kind of game, but in some ways, it hurt even more. Because of what we could have had if he'd just told me what was going on.

I felt sad for him and his family. His poor mum. And him for having to go through that. And anger towards his father for making Noah blame himself. I had no idea what had happened between them in the past five years but I could tell this wasn't a happy family and I hated that for Noah. There were so many emotions. My head and heart were full.

My phone loomed large in front of my eyes. It contained emails from Noah. Emails from the past five years.

I took a deep breath and picked it up off the counter, leaning against it. I found the next email he'd sent after that first message to me.

This one was sent the following month.

Stevie, it's autumn in New York. And I can't stop thinking about you. When I go out of my apartment and I see the beautiful trees or when I order myself a coffee in Starbucks and I carry it into one of the bookshops I've discovered here… it all reminds me of you. You would love it here.

I bought a book yesterday because I remembered you told me how much you loved it. It's such a sweet love story. It made me feel closer to you when I started reading it. I hope there's a happy ending. I need one right now.

I see you in everything here.

And wish you were here with me.

My eyes blurred again as I read Noah's words. It was everything I had once fantasised about him saying to me, but he hadn't and I'd shut down the hope in my heart that he'd regret leaving me. But he had. He had written everything I would have wanted him to. But I was only reading it now five years later.

And don't get me started on what it's like at night. My apartment has a good view but it doesn't mean anything without you on the balcony to gaze at it with me. I went out there last night to watch the city lights but I thought about that night in London. On my balcony. Do you remember it?

My face heated up. I knew the night he meant. Out on his balcony. It felt like only two of us were in the world that night. We hadn't worried about anyone seeing us from other flats. We had been swept up in that moment together. Kissing frantically, tearing at our clothes even though it was cold outside. Wanting. Needing to be closer. Noah had asked me what I wanted. When I told him, he'd turned me around and bent me over his balcony railing, and it was burned in my memory as the best sex of my life.

I went straight inside. I hate how everything reminds me of you. How cold and lonely this place is without you. I wish I could talk to you. Hold you. Just be with you. But I know this is all my fault. This punishment is only what I deserve. I should feel like shit. I should feel terrible. I should feel only half a person without you. Because I hurt you.

I told my mother about you today. In the hospital. She told me I should tell you I miss you. Life is too short. She knows that better than anyone. I know though it's too late. You don't want to hear from me. My last email bounced back. You've blocked my calls. I can't see your social media. I even called your old flat but they said you'd gone. Don't think for a minute that I blame you. I did this to us. I know that.

I just wish I could undo it.

I just wish you were here.

Noah

The tears spilled down my face. That man could write an email. God. I was a broken mess after reading that. I thought he'd gone and forgotten all about me. But it had been the opposite. I'd been pining for him, and he'd been pining for me.

And now we were in the same city again. What the hell should we do now?

I checked the time. I was running late so I dashed into the shower, turning it up to the hottest setting to help ease the ache in my body and heart.

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