Chapter 13

I spent the day looking into Deborah Day. I stumbled on an old interview from a nineties TV show that had been uploaded to YouTube. Her biting wit was fun to watch. She won everyone over and came across as someone you could have a good bitch and moan and gossip over coffee with. It sparked an idea and I emailed my thoughts to Noah just as the end of office hours rolled in. He'd been shut in his office all day so I wasn't expecting a quick reply.

Gita and Emily were starting to collect their things so I pulled on my blazer and reapplied my lip gloss. I brushed my hair and spritzed myself with perfume.

‘We know a really cute bar nearby,' Emily said when I stood up. ‘It's been the scene of the end of many a bad day here.'

I glanced behind them as we left the office together and saw Noah coming out of his office. He watched us walk out. I guessed he didn't go to many work drinks. A far cry from the sociable guy he'd been when we'd dated. As we got into the lift, I checked my phone. Liv has messaged to thank me for sending a copy of Bitten to her and there was a new email on my work account from Noah.

Thank you for your ideas, Stevie. How about we discuss how to present to Deborah tomorrow? I could do a coffee meeting at 9a.m. Meet me in the Starbucks opposite the office. Noah.

‘Everything okay?' Gita asked as I quickly put my phone into my bag.

‘Sure. I just have an early meeting with Noah,' I said.

A coffee meeting. In Starbucks. For some reason, this made me feel a bit nervous. In the office, there was a strict boundary with him as my boss but outside work was completely different. Saturday had proven the lines could get wobbly. And I did not want to deal with any more wobbly lines when it came to Noah.

‘You're becoming teacher's pet,' Emily teased. She saw me bite my lip. ‘I'm only joking. I know it's an important project you're working on.'

‘Just make sure you tell us anything he might let slip that we can use against him later on,' Gita added with a laugh.

We climbed out of the lifts and set off for the bar nearby. ‘Now he knows I told everyone about his dad, he's not going to tell me any more secrets,' I said, trying not to feel guilty for the weary look on his face when he came into the boardroom this morning. I'd got the feeling years ago that things with his father weren't easy and it seemed like maybe they'd only got harder since then.

The bar wasn't too busy as it was a Monday night and we found a corner table and got a bottle of rosé to share. Emily and Gita said they had worked together for years and had hit it off from day one. They reminded me of me and Liv, who I told them I missed working with already.

‘She's a big romance book fan too and Noah said I could give her a copy of Bitten so it'll be interesting to see if she loves it as much as I did.'

‘You make me feel bad for not reading it,' Emily said. ‘I just assumed her books weren't my sort of thing and with so many books coming out, I mainly just read the brief the editor gives.'

‘I was just relieved I made it through the editorial process with her,' Gita said. ‘Deborah Day is someone who argues about every editorial note she's given.'

‘She certainly doesn't take any prisoners,' I said. ‘But, seriously, her book would sit alongside all the ones going viral on social media right now. I think we can make her popular again.'

‘It's nice to see someone not jaded by the whole industry,' Emily said, giving me a fond look. ‘Although a few months working for The Shark is likely to change all that.'

‘Okay, now we have got you alone and plied with wine,' Gita began, ‘how did you know that he works for his father? How did you know he's really Noah Matthews?'

‘I used to know him when he lived in London before moving to New York,' I said. ‘He was very different in those days.'

Emily whistled. ‘By your blush, I'm guessing he was just as gorgeous back then too. But less intimidating.'

I was relieved they didn't seem to think we'd had any romantic involvement. I guessed we seemed like a very unlikely couple. Maybe we had been then as well but I just hadn't seen it clearly. ‘I keep wondering if the old Noah is underneath still or not,' I admitted.

‘I doubt it,' Gita said. ‘Five years in New York working for his father has probably stamped out any nice qualities. Well, we might only have to put up with him for six months before we're all out on our ears.'

‘Can we not depress ourselves tonight?' Emily pleaded. ‘We need to welcome Stevie to the company and hope that she doesn't get scared easily because she's keeping Noah away from hassling us too much.' She grinned. ‘What a team player!'

They laughed and raised a toast to me and I played along but inside, I was hoping that working with Noah wouldn't last too much longer because we were skirting around our past and it felt like at any moment, we'd fall right bang into the middle of it.

And I wasn't sure if I could handle it.

‘I need an extra shot, please, and extra syrup,' I asked the Starbucks barista the next morning. My head pounded, my eyes stung and my throat scratched with every word I spoke.

‘Rough night?' he asked with sympathy as he made my drink.

‘Never go out on a weeknight,' I advised him, and I turned around, spotting Noah at a table in the back of the coffee shop. He looked up and did a little wave to me. I really hoped he was in a better mood today otherwise my hangover was about to feel even worse.

‘Hope this helps,' the barista said, handing me my drink.

Before I moved, I took a long gulp even though it was hot and prayed for the caffeine to hit me fast. Then I made my way to where Noah was, hoping I didn't look as bad as I felt.

‘Did you get any sleep last night?' he asked in lieu of greeting.

I sank into the chair opposite him. ‘Gee, thanks for the compliment. Good morning to you too. And no, Gita and Emily are animals.' I shook my head. ‘Animals.'

Noah chuckled, stopping when I shot him a glare. ‘Sorry, but I think you're right – they were in the office when I left and they looked pretty chipper.'

‘Fantastic,' I muttered, and I took another gulp of coffee. I hadn't drunk that much on a Monday since university and if that was a typical night for them, I might have to say no to their next invitation. Still, it had been fun and it was nice to make friends at work; I needed all the support I could get for the next six months.

‘So, I read through your email,' Noah said, immediately back to business. ‘And I love the idea of getting Deborah to be more visible on social media and in the press again. You're right, she is dynamic and will be entertaining. I think a QA with her core reader base is a great idea and we can film that. And getting Deborah to do some bookshop events would be good publicity too. I also think sending copies to the big social media bloggers and book accounts on TikTok is a great idea. We can also send to popular authors to see if they will endorse it. And if we move some of the budgets around, I think we could stretch to some Tube and online adverts too.'

‘I'm not sure the team will agree to giving Deborah more of the budget,' I said, thinking about how they had wanted to get this publication over and done with then move on to other books. ‘And Ed said your father's company has been slowing down publishing romance books?'

‘Ed?'

‘Deborah Day's agent,' I said with a frown.

‘I didn't realise you were on such friendly terms, that's all.'

His tone had an edge to it that confused me further. ‘I'm too hungover to understand you. If you can get us some more budget then great. Anything else?'

‘Have you been thinking about his job offer?' Noah asked, as if I hadn't spoken.

Suddenly, I snapped. ‘So what if I have? Joining Turn the Pages hasn't exactly been what I hoped for.'

‘I thought you wanted Bitten to do well like I do.'

‘Yes, but this isn't easy for me,' I said, gesturing between the two of us.

‘Why do you think it's easy for me?'

My eyes widened. Was he completely clueless? I leaned in so the people around us wouldn't hear. Lord knows I'd been humiliated enough by this man for one lifetime.

‘What do you want me to say? You get off on hearing that you broke my heart when you left? That I was gutted you broke up with me? That seeing you again makes me remember not only being with you and how happy I was, but also how upset I was when it was all over? How I still loved you even though you'd turned off your feelings, if you'd had any for me in the first place?'

I was furious. The hangover coupled with lack of sleep and Noah looking at me like I was talking crazy had made me finally see red. I was saying what I'd wanted to say since he left me.

‘You haven't even acknowledged what you did. Or said sorry. But you expect me to be happy that we now have to work together? Jesus, Noah. I know you're called The Shark now but I didn't think you could be so cruel.'

Once the words poured out, I felt annoyed I'd let him get to me and allowed myself to tell him all of that. I stood abruptly and bolted out of the door before he could say anything.

Outside, I walked to the rail that overlooked the river and leaned against it wearily. I breathed in the fresh air, letting it cool my cheeks and the anger inside me.

‘Stevie.' Noah appeared beside me and leaned on the rail too. I went to move but he put his hand over mine. I raised my eyes to meet his. ‘Stevie, don't go,' he said urgently. ‘Please, will you let me say something?'

He gave me a pleading look and gently squeezed my hand underneath his. I moved my hand from the railing, but nodded that I'd stay.

Noah exhaled loudly. ‘Of course I don't get off on hearing that. How could you think that badly of me? I've been trying not to think about the past, about us, because I didn't think I had the right to talk to you about it. I thought that we should just kept things professional. I knew I'd hurt you but… I didn't know it was that much.'

My eyes narrowed. ‘You knew I loved you.'

‘I hoped you had feelings for me, but I wasn't in a good place when I left. I had a lot going on that I kept from you. And it made me feel like maybe you didn't… that you shouldn't. That you couldn't love me.' Noah sighed. ‘When I saw you again, you looked so…' He trailed off and looked frustrated. ‘I thought you were completely over it all. That's why I was so… well, why you thought I was acting like a dick.'

‘I am over it,' I said, not wanting him to think I was still pining for the crumbs of his heart. ‘But it was a shit time for me. Back then. And you're acting like you're confused that I'm angry with you.'

He made a move for my hand again but saw me flinch so dropped his hand to his side. ‘I'm sorry, Stevie, so sorry for hurting you like I did. I know it won't mean much but it has haunted me for years. I know you think I've changed and maybe I have, but that hasn't changed. I really do regret the way I ended things.'

I took that in. He regretted how he broke up with me but not for breaking up with me in general. That was what I'd expected.

I nodded. ‘I don't really recognise you any more but it's kind of a relief. It took a long time to fall out of love with you but now I can see it was for the best. We are clearly not compatible. I'm just kind of sad, you know? That it didn't work out like I once thought it might.'

‘Shit. I really am that different?' Noah asked, hurt crossing his face. He seemed shocked and upset by that.

‘You let all those people go like they just didn't matter.'

‘I had no choice. I didn't enjoy it, but if I showed weakness…'

‘Empathy is not weakness,' I interrupted. ‘And nor is saying sorry. I'm glad you have. Now, we can keep things professional like you want.'

Noah looked frustrated again. ‘That's not what I meant… Do you know how hard it is for me to keep things professional with you?'

I didn't move in time and he touched me again. He brushed his fingertips against mine. I shivered and knew I couldn't blame the autumn breeze swirling around us.

‘That first day, you walked into my office and I thought, Oh God, she's even more beautiful now.'

Sucking in a breath, I stood back, breaking our contact because it felt like he had burnt me. ‘You can't say things like that.'

‘Why not?'

I looked into those dark-brown eyes of his and part of me wanted to surrender. To sink right back into them and into him. Him calling me beautiful was both the last thing and the only thing I wanted to hear.

‘You left me,' I said. ‘It was so hard for me to get over you. It was your decision to break up. You left me,' I repeated, anger returning. He wasn't the one who had been left with a broken heart.

We looked at one another, the air thick with tension. Noah opened his mouth to say something but his phone suddenly started ringing in his pocket, making us both jump. He pulled it out and sighed when he looked at the screen. ‘It's my father. Stevie, I want to talk about this more.'

I was relieved we'd been interrupted. I almost believed he was going to say he made a mistake in breaking up with me. But I knew that wasn't the case. I couldn't let myself feel things for Noah ever again.

I shook my head. ‘No, Noah. I just wanted you to acknowledge that we had been something once, and that you hurt me. Thank you for apologising. That's all we need to say. Let's just move on and focus on work, okay? It wasn't meant to be.'

‘If that's what you think,' Noah said quietly, his phone still ringing.

‘Take the call; I'll see you back at the office.'

I spun around and walked away. My eyes started to burn but I really didn't want to cry. I could stay angry at Noah or stay sad that we didn't work out or I could continue what I'd done for the past five years and focus on me and my dreams and building the life I wanted.

And I was determined to do just that.